SoberForMySon

And today is day one- the first day one I've had in a while. And it feels great. Something WAY embarrassing happened yesterday, and it terrifies and horrifies me. Drinking sucks. I wasn't drunk, but I was caught with a beer at a playground, yes a playground, how humiliating, cops came and all. They didn't even ID me, just made me throw it out and throw out my cup too, and lectured me. I left right after. I only had the one, so I could drive fine, but am still paranoid someone might have taken my plates down or something, been freaking out, worried sick hubby will find out, it would be the last straw. But I know that's paranoid thinking, they didn't even ID me like I said. Ugh. Alcohol has once again humiliated me and taken something I love from me (I won't even show my face there again, even though my son and I love going there). Drinking sucks. Here's to my day one. I'm half way through it and I know I won't drink today. For one, I took my son out to lunch and spent my last ten bucks so I couldn't anyway! Much better spent on lunch with the kiddo! Tomorrow is another day. Weekends are easier for me with hubby home, so I think I can do this. Then I have a big trip home for a few weeks soon, and it'll be easier there too, with lots of friends around. I mostly drink out of boredom and from anxiety. Been keeping busy and actually drinking less lately... I know I can do this. Wow, don't even be as stupid as I was- it's really not worth the shame and worry. Even if I quit for good and wait a couple months, I'd still be ashamed to go back to the park. I don't know who reported me so I don't know who knows or if it was a regular or if they'd gossip about me. Wow, it's so not worth it, just for one stupid beer.

MIRecovery

I was not one stupid beer it was the 10,000 beers previous to the one that lead to drinking on a play ground.

What are you going to do differently this time to make sure you stay sober?

SoberForMySon

Come here and post, ask for help when I need it, and yes, I'm going to consider AA. Not much AA here, but it's worth checking into. No way am I telling my husband about what happened, and he's not a lot of support, and I have few friends. But I don't know. Something seems different this time. This has really terrified me. Sure, the fear is making me want to drink in a way, but I KNOW that would just be stupid. I was SO PROUD of myself today for staying sober (I'm already past the time of day I usually like to drink) and it felt SO good to be out and about with my son, and to be sober. We had so much fun, a nice walk, a different playground, and then lunch. It's pretty awesome, I have to admit. And I made a new friend! She seems really nice and we have a lot in common. So maybe this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

ru12

Remember this day and how you felt when the officer made you pour it out. When that little voice begins to whisper to you than one would be fine, pull out this memory.

bloss

There are other support systems to try too...there is AA here and Secular...check out all the forums. If an urge to drink comes, think it through to the end of how you felt last time you drank. Do anything to postpose the urge. Take care of yourself

SoberForMySon

The embarrassment and the fear/paranoia and the reality of how close I could have come to losing everything is really horrible. Wouldn't wish this feeling on an enemy. SO NOT worth it for a stupid drink.

unclebigs

You need to tell your husband. Stop being so deceptive. If you want to change your life start being honest to yourself and others beginning with your husband.

SoberForMySon

I choose not to tell him of this embarrassing incident, but he does know I have a problem. He does too and has also quit. But thanks

Sazzle

Welcome from me too. You can tell your husband in your own time, in my opinion. You've got a lot on to deal with and it could trigger you to drink. Just concentrate on yourself for now and focus on the future

S x

Anna

I sure do relate to the feelings you have of being caught in an embarassing spot. I hope that you figure out what was missing in your past attempt to stop drinking. It's important to make changes in your life, along with stopping drinking.

SSIL75

Can I just share that I have mixed feelings about this kind of thing. I do think that when I looked for the source of my drinking (and identified things like loneliness, stress etc)... it opened up the door for my alcoholic mind to tell myself that a solution to those problems would entitle me to drink. Like "Wow this prozac is really helping my anxiety. NOW I can drink like a normal person!".

When I accepted that I drink b/c I'm an alcoholic.. it was a real turning point.

YMMV, obviously. But I just thought I'd share.

SoberForMySon

I really need help with anxiety. All afternoon since being home, except when on here, I have been pacing, talking it out, and worrying. I have to find ways to make fear something I can live with, or learn to beat it.

Anna

There are tons of fantastic books dealing with anxiety. 'From Panic to Power' by Lucinda Bassett is a very good one. There are workbooks that can take you through a process of learning to deal with the anxiety.

Meditating helps me a lot, as does simply stopping and breathing slowly. When you are anxious, your breathing becomes quick and shallow and causes your body more upset. Taking slow, belly breaths is very calming.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what bought you back , but glad you found your way back here SFMS...

there's a lot of support around, both here and at places like AA and other recovery groups and counsellors and the like.

The more support you have the better your chance of really permanently changing your life is I think
D

SoberForMySon

Thanks guys!

FreeFall

I'm sorry this happened too, but I think it's sad that your son never gets to go back to a place he loves. You might have to at some point face up to your fears of embarrassment for his sake-he's bound to ask why you never go there any more. It doesn't matter what the other people there think-it's none of their business. I can see why you want to stay away, but I also think part of getting sober is being brave and moving forward in positive ways. Running away doesn't solve anything. I also think in many ways, the way people gossip, it's better to be present,healthy, and sober because if you disappear the story tends to grow and get exaggerated. That incident was one small incident, not your normal pattern so don't let them think that's the real you.

Maybe this is the wake up call that will help you quit for good. I'm glad you made a new friend, that is a bonus to a bad situation. Onward to day 2~good luck!

Delilah1

Welcome back to SR,

I am glad you made it through day one. I agree that finding as many sources of support as you can will help. There are many different groups, and I have found posting and reading on SR daily has helped me. I am only on Day 21, but that is the longest stretch I have in five years, so I will take it.

Hang in there, and remember one day at a time.

SoberForMySon

True. Maybe in time I will go back. On with day two!!!