Struggling with guilt of enabling son's addiction
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Washington, D.C.
Posts: 9
Struggling with guilt of enabling son's addiction
I am struggling with my son's addiction right now and my part in it. Briefly, he is a multi substance abuser, with no means to support himself, on probation for a felony, going to school and living at home.
Me- i come from an abusive alcoholic home and a codependant mother and was a multi substance user from early in my teens. I am 50 now, he is my only son. in some ways i tried to get what i needed in the way of intimacy and reliving my childhood through him, when i found him smoking weed at 16 i was actually happy that he was being "normal". i did take not return the weed i found - he had dropped it while getting high in the stairwell. I had been off drugs for 16 years at that point, a commitment I made when he was born, - however the temptation ultimately proved too much for me and I smoked his weed eventually - at first just a puff but later my involvement grew to even getting him to score for me. Something that I am truley embarrassed about now looking back. instead of being a father, i reverted to being an addict.
His involvement i thought was just pot and beer, it actually was much more than I ever knew until much later when he was in jail for burglery, breaking into beer stores for alcohol. before getting locked up, the weed got scarce and he turned me onto smoking "spice". By the time he got out - completely unreformed but straight at least for 9 months, i was using spice regularly and drinking. instead of supporting him, when i thought he might be breaking into homes to get alcohol i started supplying him with spice so he didn't have too. this has continued now for about a year and a half, except for both us stopping spice me because it got out of hand financially and he because he ended up in the ER with a panic attack. Then he started drinking instead and fool that i am i started providing that to him, not at first mind you and not intentionally but at first he was getting an allowance, later he was working the only place he could - an underpaying manual labor place that doesn't care about records, later when in school - he couldn't work so we went back to the allowance thing. All along I knew he was just using his money to get high/drunk but I rationalized it away - I even went and bought him beer at times because he didnt want to go to the store (he turned 21 in Aug). Now it is out of hand with him even going so far as to threaten and attack me when he is drunk demanding money for beer. I fear him and am very fearful for him. He has been cut off from his money as a result and I am afraid that he will revert to unlawful means of supporting his drug habit, ruining his chances of ever getting his record cleared, finishing his course and ending up in year for an extended period i.e. violating probation and having to serve the rest of his sentence. Am I right to cut him off? i feel it's my fault he's in this perdictament and don't know what to do. Should i supply him with a small amount of alcohol so he doesn't do something stupid. i can't kick him out - he's unable to support himself, he won't get help, really doesnt' want to quit, says he really wants to finish his course and doesn't want to go back to jail. i realize now, looking back that i have failed him somemany ways and times that I feel it is my fault. I should have done something when he was younger and unable to resist treatment legally but i didn't - something I will carry the rest of my life. What should I do?
Me- i come from an abusive alcoholic home and a codependant mother and was a multi substance user from early in my teens. I am 50 now, he is my only son. in some ways i tried to get what i needed in the way of intimacy and reliving my childhood through him, when i found him smoking weed at 16 i was actually happy that he was being "normal". i did take not return the weed i found - he had dropped it while getting high in the stairwell. I had been off drugs for 16 years at that point, a commitment I made when he was born, - however the temptation ultimately proved too much for me and I smoked his weed eventually - at first just a puff but later my involvement grew to even getting him to score for me. Something that I am truley embarrassed about now looking back. instead of being a father, i reverted to being an addict.
His involvement i thought was just pot and beer, it actually was much more than I ever knew until much later when he was in jail for burglery, breaking into beer stores for alcohol. before getting locked up, the weed got scarce and he turned me onto smoking "spice". By the time he got out - completely unreformed but straight at least for 9 months, i was using spice regularly and drinking. instead of supporting him, when i thought he might be breaking into homes to get alcohol i started supplying him with spice so he didn't have too. this has continued now for about a year and a half, except for both us stopping spice me because it got out of hand financially and he because he ended up in the ER with a panic attack. Then he started drinking instead and fool that i am i started providing that to him, not at first mind you and not intentionally but at first he was getting an allowance, later he was working the only place he could - an underpaying manual labor place that doesn't care about records, later when in school - he couldn't work so we went back to the allowance thing. All along I knew he was just using his money to get high/drunk but I rationalized it away - I even went and bought him beer at times because he didnt want to go to the store (he turned 21 in Aug). Now it is out of hand with him even going so far as to threaten and attack me when he is drunk demanding money for beer. I fear him and am very fearful for him. He has been cut off from his money as a result and I am afraid that he will revert to unlawful means of supporting his drug habit, ruining his chances of ever getting his record cleared, finishing his course and ending up in year for an extended period i.e. violating probation and having to serve the rest of his sentence. Am I right to cut him off? i feel it's my fault he's in this perdictament and don't know what to do. Should i supply him with a small amount of alcohol so he doesn't do something stupid. i can't kick him out - he's unable to support himself, he won't get help, really doesnt' want to quit, says he really wants to finish his course and doesn't want to go back to jail. i realize now, looking back that i have failed him somemany ways and times that I feel it is my fault. I should have done something when he was younger and unable to resist treatment legally but i didn't - something I will carry the rest of my life. What should I do?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Addiction is a family disease
IMO, I would go to Alanon or seek professional advice from someone skilled in addiction. There is a ton of enabling and co-dependent behavior you have to sort through. You may also want to go to an AA meeting to see if you have any issues as well.
IMO, I would go to Alanon or seek professional advice from someone skilled in addiction. There is a ton of enabling and co-dependent behavior you have to sort through. You may also want to go to an AA meeting to see if you have any issues as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Washington, D.C.
Posts: 9
Urgent Situation
Unfortunately, all those things take time and I am really looking for a quick answer of how to deal today - as I am afraid that there is a fast fuse burning and that the damage he'll do to himself will be with him all his life. There's a part of me that almost wants him to get arrested just so I don't have to deal with the situation anymore - but then that's more about me wanting to avoid the pain than helping him. but i dread going home to face his demands for money adn am afraid that I will give to him just to get through one more day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,453
Hi StrugglingDad
I'm very sorry for your situation.
AlAnon talks about the 3Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You seem to be struggling with all 3.
I was around alcoholics all my life...but noone made me an alcoholic, or a drug assict. That was all my doing. I made some bad choices.
The best thing you can do for your son is be a dad, I think.
You can't fix this problem tho...only he can do that.
You can absolutely stop enabling him tho and you can lay down rules for your house that you expect him to stick to. You can build healthy boundaries for yourself.
Detachment is not about punishment and it's not about relegating your responsibilities as a parent - it's about protecting you and the rest of your family - and it's about letting your son sort out his problems.
As an addict yourself you must know thats the only way it really works.
It's tough - I'm not a parent so I can't begin to imagine how tough it is, tho being here for many years now I have some idea.
You'll find a lot of support here - and do check out our Family and Friends forums too
D
I'm very sorry for your situation.
AlAnon talks about the 3Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You seem to be struggling with all 3.
I was around alcoholics all my life...but noone made me an alcoholic, or a drug assict. That was all my doing. I made some bad choices.
The best thing you can do for your son is be a dad, I think.
You can't fix this problem tho...only he can do that.
You can absolutely stop enabling him tho and you can lay down rules for your house that you expect him to stick to. You can build healthy boundaries for yourself.
Detachment is not about punishment and it's not about relegating your responsibilities as a parent - it's about protecting you and the rest of your family - and it's about letting your son sort out his problems.
As an addict yourself you must know thats the only way it really works.
It's tough - I'm not a parent so I can't begin to imagine how tough it is, tho being here for many years now I have some idea.
You'll find a lot of support here - and do check out our Family and Friends forums too
D
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