sober1020

How to deal with an drug addict boyfriend??
Where do I even begin??
I recently found out my boyfriend has been using herion. It first started off wit painkillers and soon when that high wasnt enough he began snorting herion than leading to injecting it. I've never been the one to do drugs nor will i ever. He recently went into rehab for 3 weeks and was allowed back home. He relapsed the same day he got out. He wouldn't admit it to me but finally did later on. He say's he is done but i really dont' believe that is true. If he didn't want to use again, he wouldn't have as soon as he got out. I've done everything i can to support him and stick by his side but this is taking over my life. I love him to death and want him to be clean and healthy. I don't know what to do anymore to help him.

What are the right steps to supporting an addict?
Am i doing something wrong???
I need advice asap!

outtolunch

As you have experienced, there is nothing you can say or do, or not, that's going to get and keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Attempts to control him will lead to mutual resentments and will not work. He's living his life as he chooses to do. Are you?

I do not associate with people who are active in addiction or new to recovery. That's my boundary. Do you have any boundaries to protect yourself from chaos?

broken101

There is nothing you can do to help him, only he can change if he wants to. My ex is/was, god he lies so much I don't know what to beleive, but the bext thing is for you to take care of yourself. Don't lose yourself wasting your time to try to change him its going make you into a person that you don't even know when you look into the mirror.

kmangel

This is one battle you can't fight. If your boyfriend was serious about getting clean and sober he would be working on his recovery. From what you have written, he is not doing that.

When my son came out of rehab, it wasn't long before he started wanting to use again. It wasn't the first couple days, but it did resurface in a month or so. The temptation is going to be strong for your boyfriend and if he isn't consciously working on his recovery he will be hard pressed to stay clean and sober for the long term. Heroin is not an easy drug to leave behind. Do you want to be in a relationship with a heroin addict? I'm sure not, but if your boyfriend is not doing anything to help himself, then that is the life you have facing you in the future.

dollydo

"What are the right steps to supporting an addict?"

Let him fall to his knees, until then he will not have a chance to get back up. No enabling, no giving him a place to crash, no nothing.

Have you read Codependent No More? Been to Naranon meetings?

What are you doing wrong? Simply put, not getting healthy yourself there is nothing you can do to make him better, it is all up to him, his problem, his to resolve, not yours.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blog, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

bunkie65

Hi sober1020, I'm sorry your hurting and pain is part of healing. Are you working a recovery program of your own? What about you and your goals and your peace and your support? Who is there for you? Just some things to think about. It's not about him sweetie. He has a choice and even if he chooses recovery 30 times and goes back out, they suggest that people in recovery DO NOT get into relationships for at LEAST a year. There is a reason why they recommend this! So if you really love him let him go to work on him for at least a year. I know easy to say and so freaking hard to do. However, if you really want Gods will for your life and his ask him what it is? It could mean honoring that Na/AA suggestion recommendation of no relationship for one year. Would you be able to do that? Suppose that was what he needed to stay clean? Suppose he asked you to wait for him or told you he needed at least a year for him? Would that be okay with you? I say if you really love someone then yes it should be... Right? Check out a Al anon program if you have not already. You need support to dear. Take care of you and if you don't know how, like I did not and I'm still working to do. Find a place that will help you learn how! Reading about addiction, co-dependency, going to church, meetings. Anything that will give you tools and strengthen your spirit and heal your heart and emotions.

Prayers for a healthier stronger happier you and your loved one too!

ViG516

Hi sober1020. How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

90210

Sober1020 I actually had a really similar situation my now ex-boyfriend went from oxys to morphine to heroin somehow. My best advice to you is really look inside to see what you want from life. You seem really concerned about your boyfriend, remember to be equally as concerned about yourself. My dad gave me some really good advice recently ‘no one is going to look out for you, like you can look out for you so look out for yourself and then look out for others. Hopefully someday you will find someone who cares about you more than you can ever care about yourself’. I don’t have too much advice because I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about my current situation. But I wish you all the best and hope whatever happens you find happiness. Happiness is seriously important in life.

Alexs

I just came across your post. I am dealing with the same situation. My boyfriend of 3 years has an addiction problem but is in complete denial because he is a functioning addict. He started with painkillers then went to sniffing heroin. Im sure he's used coke and wonder if he has started in inject heroin because I've recently found syringes in the garbage. -- He has had a Dr. and used Suboxone in the past to help him get off of it but has stopped.

I wanted to ask If you sorted out your problems? I don't know what to do. we are in our 30's and I thought we'd be married and starting a family at this point. I know I can't change him though he says he wants to stop, says he wants to change though I don't think he's able to and I don't know how much longer I can wait. He's living with me and won't leave me. I feel trapped. I love him so much and before his problem escalated, before I knew about the extent we had such a great relationship and I think I am holding on to that. thinking it could be how it was, but I don't know if he'll ever stop using and i don't think I can be with an addict. I feel ashamed. I am in debt bc of him. Do I just throw away these last 3 yrs. He's never been mean to me, but I can't stand the addictive behavior. The lies and mistrust. --- Can someone tell me if they've had a similar situation and how they worked it out?

Sungrl

I loved my boyfriend very much as well. Saw what a great guy he was when sober and believed with all my heart he would stop the alcohol and drugs. He was (still is) shooting up coke. I also know he takes pills, any kind he can get his hands on. He was clean for thirty days a couple years ago and was in a sober house for 5 months a year after that. He drank the day he was released right before he went to his new place we had picked out together. it was supposed to be a fresh start. He also spent a month in jail prior to the sober house and I got letter after letter of how he was going to change for him, for us, for good. It is now a year and a half later he still uses anytime he can.Drinks to the point of wasted everyday and is about to be homeless and has no job prospects. Sorry for the ramble. You asked what can you do to support him? It took me forever to get this through my head and it took me three years to finally do it for good, but you need to walk away and let him be. That's the advice I would give anybody in your position. It amazed me how spot on all the advice and stickies here at SR actually were. He will get worse if he has intention of taking some kind of action for himself. His using has nothing to do with you, you can't love him into recovery. Give it a rest for awhile and see what happens more will be revealed. You need to focus on you because he will put you through hell and I wouldn't wish loving an addict on my worst enemy. Take care of yourself

KeepinItReal

The less you give the better he will become. Giving to the beast (bc that's what this is) will give him the "idea" that his life isn't really that bad.
We do not know anyone else's bottom. Some people want to live on the street and not have anything nice. We have to accept we can still love these people but not have to be hurt by them. Like, paying for things for him that you should be saving for yourself for whatever GOALS YOU have in your life.
In addiction there is one goal.. and one goal only... to continue to get high.. to lie and manipulate everyone for whatever they can get so they can continue to get high.
If you want to stay with him through it and are hoping he gets clean so '"it could be" great.... you will find out it will not be so great. Usually relapse and binges happen in cycles.
I have been living with the beast for a long time. It's beatable.. but it takes more than wanting it.

Angel1234

My ex went to rehab and relapsed the first time within a few months. The next two years, there was less and less time between the relapses and more and more drugs done. He treated me worse and worse each time. If I could take one decision back, I would have not taken him back after rehab. It sounds harsh. It felt harsh for me at the time so obviously I stuck by him after all, he was trying. Fast forward two years, even a 30 day jail stint didn't stop him from using. I agree with all the above posts.

F50Lurker

My experience has been, if you think it's taken over your life already, you have no idea what you're in for. I think you should get far away from him, as soon as possible.

Lily1918

I'm addicted to opiates in the same way your boyfriend is. I managed to hide behind my husbands addiction for a very long time.

I lied to everyone. Even the people on this forum.

There is nothing you can do. He won't be done until he is done.

I thought I was done this year. I really did. I went to outpatient rehab in August, and I stayed clean. I relapsed as recently as Christmas for two days ( Christmas eve and Christmas day) I had a number of excuses. Lonliness and depression being the biggest ones.

I'm not surprised that your BF relapsed the first day out of rehab because for an addict who doesn't really want to go, completing a program is often times an excuse to use. I heard it all the time from the dealers "homie just got outta treatment so I hooked him up fat."

I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I wish there was a magic way to cure addiction in our loved ones but there isn't and it sucks.

I agree with the post above that says every persons bottom is different. Mine was the threat of losing my children. That is why I seek recovery. My ex friend "B" however lost her daughter, her home, her husband. She lives on the streets and stands by the freeway to get her fix. She will never be sober. She doesn't want to be. When I would ask her though she would say "oh ya, I'll get clean someday" but someday never comes.

Chasing the dragon is no joke. I'm not gunna tell you to run, because I didn't, and I am married to a heroin addict. I will tell you that if you keep a person with a pet dragon in your life then you will be burned by its flames, that much is certain, and you might even get eaten alive. Some people say that having a pet dragon is worth getting burned, others say its too dangerous, no way. It is simply a matter of opinion, and perspective.

Vale

Don't mess with dragons.

They play for keeps.............