tootsieroll24

So today I found $40 withdrawn from my checking account ( I know my husband was getting drugs with it). I definitely feel like I'm at the point where i need to tell him to leave... but pretty much the only place he would have to go is his mom's, and she has NO clue he's using at all. Do I tell her? If so, how and when? I have no clue how to handle this, all I know is I can't take this anymore.

suki44883

The very first thing you should do is open a bank account in your name only so he can't pilfer from it.

You'll have to decide for yourself about whether or not to tell his mom. I have mixed emotions about that.

glitterdeva

AH's mom knows and she is his biggest enabler, well, after me AH gets mad when I tell her, but I do tell her about everyone of his relapses because I don't want her to help him financially. The dynamics in the family is such that as soon as AH starts acting somewhat sober, her and his grandmother start showering him with $. And, of course, this $ goes to the same damn place his addiction. I tell her - yes, he relapsed, PLEASE for the love of God do not give him money, etc. I don't care how he feels about me talking to her about it, it is a family disease and way too much for me to handle.

needingabreak

I would get the bank account in your name only pretty darn quick and watch your credit cards. I think telling the mother is your decision as you know her best and your relationship. If it were me and my MIL, I would tell her only so she could be warned and not have things stolen from her. You have to understand she may not believe you because it is her son and it is very hard to accept that kind of reality. You cannot control whether she believes you or not but at least you have warned her.
Either way, you need to take care of YOU first.

tootsieroll24

The bank account he took from is in my name only... that's how I know he used it for drugs. Because he has his own money that obviously has run out doing the same thing. I didn't even realize he took my card from my purse until I saw the bank account and then checked my purse. My heart wants to tell his mom, but I feel like she may not believe me unless she saw proof for herself.

peacelovesober

I feel for ya. My AH currently has no access to my bank. I had to stop getting checks because he would just wrote them to himself. I have planned to start keeping a spare bit of money at work ect just in case cause they are resourceful. Its not the best philosophy but for now I live with an addict so I have to remember that.

As for telling the family. that's on you. But I do have a clear rule that I do not lie to cover drugs, money spent, missed gatherings and the like. You might just be surprised once his mom finds him suddenly needing a place to stay at how much she might know. In my experience it's rare that people are truly that clueless but just in denial.

Be blessed. Always seek peace

suki44883

In that case, I would report my bank card stolen and get a new one with a new PIN number and hide that card like I would a $500 million winning lottery ticket.

If he ends up going to his Mom's, she'll see the proof for herself soon enough. In the meantime, get yourself and your kids out of there and take some time of no contact so you can get everyone settled and comfortable. You deserve better than this and your kids certainly do. Good luck. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You know we're all here for you. (((HUGS)))

tootsieroll24

Thanks for the support. I know what I have to do, but it's hard to hurt someone you love so much

suki44883

I know it is, but you wouldn't have to if he didn't steal from you and use drugs. Don't take the blame for this. It is NOT your fault. How long did he think about how hurt you would be when you found out he stole money from your account?

This is not the man you fell in love with.

Txhelp

Its so hard to think that you will be hurting someone that you love....

The truth is...if he is using than his pain is numbed. You, on the other hand, get to feel the pain full-forced!

Do what is best for you. You aren't responsible for keeping his secrets. If you think it really won't matter much, telling his mom, then why bother?

hopeful4

Tell her. If she does not believe it...that wont last long, he will prove it to her. Hugs

cynical one

I would want to know in advance before making the decision to allow a thief in my home.

tootsieroll24

That's very true, I wouldn't want the same thing happening to her as it has been to me. Maybe I will tell her something like "I think him and I need to be separated right now, I know you know he has smoked pot, but now he's on to worse drugs, and I've given him chances, and all he does is lie." That way I'm not telling her the whole story, but still warning her.

atalose

YOUR hurting him??????

That's the thinking that keeps us stuck in un-happy places with people who are not very loving back.

He has stolen from you, he has lied to you......not very caring or loving. And in defending yourself and wanting to get yourself to a healthier place it feels un-loving........that's why YOUR recovery is so important so you can learn and understand what healthy thinking and behaviors look like.

Self care!!!!

I think his mother deserves to know the truth, what SHE does with what you tell her is all on her.

KariSue

As a mom of an AS, I would definitely tell his mom if it were me.

She may not believe you but at least you told her. As a mom, I'd be a bit hurt if someone knew my son was going to steal from me and didn't warn me. I'd even tell her if she lets him move in to watch her bank cards and valuables.

So sorry this is happening to you. I wish none of us had to deal with this but we do unfortunately.

Hugs, Kari

gabriel01

I told his mom as soon as the first time I found out my ABF uses. Especially now, I don't want to hide his secret or lie anymore. It doesn't matter the person you told believe or not. But for me, letting or helping As to hide their secrets is worse than let them facing the truth of what they are doing.

Last time, I told his parents, I knew he will get kick out from them. But I still did it. He was mad for about a day, but I didn't care. He knew the consequence, and he knew I will tell his parents if I found out. I felt no obligated to hide his lies and secrets. Especially for the people who love him and try to help him.

hopeful4

I tell my AH's sister when he has an episode. For one, he won't tell them the truth and they deserve to know. She and her husband have helped him both emoationally and financially. I personally would be pi$$ed if I was not told...and hurt.

I have to say, it also helps me. I don't feel like I am hiding something from people I love. I tell everyone who is close to me because I NEED HELP with it all too. I covered up for him for a long long time. No more.

tootsieroll24

Thanks everyone, I have decided to tell my brother-in-law first, since he has no idea either. Then depending on what he says or thinks, I will ask my mother-in-law to meet me for dinner or lunch one day and tell her. I know it'll crush her, but I need help with this... it's too much for me to do alone. Even though my AH is denying everything still, I know my gut... especially after finding drugs in his wallet last night.

jjj111

TR, are you thinking about telling his family that he is using so that they can protect themselves, or because you want help asking him to leave? It might be useful to think about your motives. If you're telling other people because you're afraid to ask him to move out and are hoping that his family will change something if they know...well, I guess you might want to think a little harder about why you're afraid to kick him out? It's really up to him where he goes if you kick him out--not really your problem, you know? No one but him can make the decision to seek recovery. Not you, not his family. And no one can set YOUR boundaries except you...

BoxinRotz

This thread makes me remember the days when my ex husband would steal money out of my acct and 2 days later tell me he did something bad. The arse always told on himself but he'd wait til the acct was bouncing off the bank walls. OMG... I do not miss those days.

Guess who took my place? His Mommy.