How to deal with a sister who has abandonment issues?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 67
How to deal with a sister who has abandonment issues?
I suspect that one of my sisters has abandonment issues. I don't get along with her and only keep in touch because I'm codependent (I'm working on that). She mentioned several times that we should stick together, that sisters should be close, etc. I'd love to have a friend-sister, however with her personality and addiction issues I don't see it happen. She often points out how awful people must be feeling if their mothers/fathers/sisters/brother abandon them. She is overly sensitive to the subject. I don't think it's manipulation. I can see that she really thinks so. I'm on the contrary - the less I see my family the better I feel.
My question is how to deal with her? What to say?
My question is how to deal with her? What to say?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I don't think there is a playbook for this type of thing. You can find a good therapist. They can help you try different things, then you can report back with how it worked (or didn't) and make adjustments.
If she is addicted, you can't hope to make much progress toward a happy and healthy relationship. You'll just need to decide if it's worth working on, and setting boundries. Maybe start with only talking to her when she is not under the influence. If she gets angry about it, just point out how distressed you are when she is 'that way' and that you want to spend more time with her, but you just can't handle it when she is not sober. Hard to say how she will react to that. If your family pattern has been to deny that addiction is a problem, she may put it all back on you and pull away from you. You need to be preapred for that.
If she is addicted, you can't hope to make much progress toward a happy and healthy relationship. You'll just need to decide if it's worth working on, and setting boundries. Maybe start with only talking to her when she is not under the influence. If she gets angry about it, just point out how distressed you are when she is 'that way' and that you want to spend more time with her, but you just can't handle it when she is not sober. Hard to say how she will react to that. If your family pattern has been to deny that addiction is a problem, she may put it all back on you and pull away from you. You need to be preapred for that.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Both my sister and I had abandonment issues. We grew up with an alcoholic father who was often not around and would constantly break promises so it's not surprising.
We would often play the "abandonment card" with each other when we got into fights. We would say things like - "Great, you're going to abandon me too just like everyone else in my life!" or one of our biggest threats was "If you keep pushing people away you're going to end up alone!"
Our relationship was co-dependent and dysfunctional.
What changed it for us was that I started therapy and began looking at my own ACA issues. I did go through a period where I had to have very limited contact with members of my family of origin because I felt vulnerable and easily pulled back into the crazy dynamics. At that time, I think I actually told her that I didn't think our relationship was healthy for either of us but she didn't understand. She basically blamed my therapist for putting ideas into my head.
One advantage of keeping dysfunctional family members in your life is that you get plenty of opportunities to practice your recovery skills :-)
We did work through it and now I only see my sister a couple times a year. Our relationship is so much healthier. I find it easier to stay out of her business and if she asks why can't we spend more time together I just honestly tell her that I'm busy with other things in my life.
I too would love to have a sister-friend relationship with her but it's just not possible for us. At least at this time.
Thank you for letting me share.
Good Luck!
db
We would often play the "abandonment card" with each other when we got into fights. We would say things like - "Great, you're going to abandon me too just like everyone else in my life!" or one of our biggest threats was "If you keep pushing people away you're going to end up alone!"
Our relationship was co-dependent and dysfunctional.
What changed it for us was that I started therapy and began looking at my own ACA issues. I did go through a period where I had to have very limited contact with members of my family of origin because I felt vulnerable and easily pulled back into the crazy dynamics. At that time, I think I actually told her that I didn't think our relationship was healthy for either of us but she didn't understand. She basically blamed my therapist for putting ideas into my head.
One advantage of keeping dysfunctional family members in your life is that you get plenty of opportunities to practice your recovery skills :-)
We did work through it and now I only see my sister a couple times a year. Our relationship is so much healthier. I find it easier to stay out of her business and if she asks why can't we spend more time together I just honestly tell her that I'm busy with other things in my life.
I too would love to have a sister-friend relationship with her but it's just not possible for us. At least at this time.
Thank you for letting me share.
Good Luck!
db
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