Wascally Wabbit

I will try to make this short.
I went to visit my mom recently. (she's been sober 33 years, attends AA still)
But, she's extremely critical of me.
I hate visiting her, but I have to, she's getting old.
Well, she recently inheirited a large sum of money. This has made her even worse. I brought my son and DIL with me so son could put up some blinds for her in her apartment.

DIL was carrying a tote bag my mom gave me a few Christmases ago. I loaned it to her for the day.

My mom gave her the ugliest look you've ever seen. When they went downstairs, mom lit into me claiming, "I'm very ANGRY with you. Why did you give her that bag?" I calmly said, "I loaned it to her today since she needed something large for the trip".
She went on and on about my DIL carrying a bag that she gave me.

She also found several things to criticize: My hair, my makeup, the way I looked in general. (I wish you could all see my hair, it's gorgeous and I am not in any way conceited, but true is true)

I firmly believe that this inheritance has made her even worse than she ever was before. And she is terrible to me with always trying to find something wrong with me.

Next, my boss has always been a sort of friend. I have worked for him for over 12 years. He talks to me about his misery at his home and we carry on good conversation.

We had a visit from his bosses and his bosses were not happy with how things looked in the store. Well, truthfully, it was out of my control. He had me at another store, cut away my help and so on.

He has done a 180. I am now to blame for everything going wrong in the store. He has been threatening to me, sending ugly emails about how I can't do anything right. I simply can't believe it.

It has made me such a nervous wreck that one project he asked me to do, I completely forgot since I was working on yet another project he wanted finished before he had to leave on a company meeting for a few days. I have way too much work to complete in the time I am given.

Lord help me, the assistant manager told me that the boss called him from his meeting and was NOT happy with me, and sent me a nasty email.

I feel like I'm falling apart and I have no control over my life! How did this happen?

I am not young. If I lose my job I will be 6 years before I could collect retirement. Getting another job that would support me would be a nightmare due to my age.

Someone help me. I feel like I am suffocating.

DesertEyes

Hello there Wabbit, and sorry to hear so much ugliness is happening all at once

I know people like that. My father was like that. He quit drinking at one point, but did not quit anything else. Around here we call that being "un-drunk".

You didn't finish that sentence. You didn't say _why_ you have to. One of the best things I learned in my recovery is that there is nothing in the world I _have_ to do. I _choose_ what goals I want to pursue in my life and based on those goals I then _choose_ which actions to take.

Goodness, that is a _nasty_ betrayal. Absolutely horrible thing for him to do. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Well yeah, why would you not feel that way? I've had my share of hardships and that is exactly how I feel. What helps me is to stop, breathe, and remember the lessons of ACA. I _do_ have control over my life, it's _other people_ I cannot control. It goes back to choices. I can choose what I am willing to endure from other people, but I can't choose how they are going to act.

Well, it sounds to me like you are just an innocent bystander. Two people are behaving badly.... well... downright awful ( am trying not to cuss, but what they are doing to you makes me feel angry and I _want_ to cuss ) I think it happened because there are nasty, ugly people in the world and you just happened to be near them. It's not your fault that person happens to be your biological parent, and it's not your fault that other person happens to be your boss.

Oh I understand completely. I am old too, and my health is a mess. I just had to accept a transfer to the other side of the country, and then another transfer back, because work is impossible to find and I'm in no shape to risk being unemployed.

Can you stop for just a second and just breathe slowly? Just for a couple seconds. That helps me a lot, to just stop and breathe slowly... just a few seconds.

Something else I do is get in touch with good people. There's a handful of ACA meetings here in town, and some really good al-anon meets. When I get that suffocating feeling you describe I go to every single meeting. Just to be close to good people.

I call _everybody_ I know from those meetings. Just to ask them how _they_ are doing. Paying attention to them and the hardships in their lives helps me slow down, helps me step back from my own fears and feelings and be able to think a little better.

Another thing I do is write down all the hardships I have survived in my life. That helps me realize that I can survive almost anything life can throw at somebody, because I already have, several times. I think that is one of the "benefits" of being an ACA, lots and lots of practice at surviving.

You are going to survive this, Wabbit. Just like you have survived so many other things before. You are a good person with a kind and compassionate heart. I know that about you even though I have never met you. I know it because I have seen how you reach out to others who are in pain right here on SR. There are two people in your life right now that, in my personal opinion, are not worthy of having you in their lives.

Keep posting, Wabbit, and make it as long as you want. That's why SR is here, so us ACA's have a place to come to at any time and unload all the garbage that life can throw at us.

Mike

Wascally Wabbit

Mike, thank you so much. I did stop and "breathe slowly".
I really fear losing my job the most because I bought a house a few years ago. It would ruin me for the rest of my life. But, I shouldn't be projecting into the future either. We never know what will really happen!
I have been applying for work already, trying to get myself ready for the eventual firing. I know it's coming. I just don't understand why. I guess the boss is a changed man all of a sudden. Surely he has to blame someone to keep his own job.

I want to have a good attitude through it all.

Jody675

life sucks sometimes hey? it sounds like you have had your share of hardship to endure and have survived it. so why are you still playing the victim here? bad stuff happens all the time. your boss is being a typical jerky boss and using you as a scape goat. but is there anything of truth in what he has said that you can improve on. accept the real bits and document the bits that arent yours. if you want to tin plate your butt then you are going to have to act a lot tougher and not take his bullying lying down.

as for your mum, tell her to pull her head in. sounds like you are a mature person, so why do you even care what your mum says about your hair or looks. if you like the way you look then what others think doesnt matter. peoples words only hurt when we accept them as a truth or part truth. my bf tells me i have frizzy hair. he likes my frizzy hair. i dont like him saying that because i prefer that my hair is curly. bottom line...i have frizzy hair and dont like to be told that. although i still like my hair, and he likes my hair, i dont like the words he uses even though they are true. so ask yourself why do your mums words hurt so much. why are you looking for her approval of you, even though you have obviously grown up, left home, had your own family and live your own life.

theres a saying i love, and it has helped me stop feeling sorry for myself and get myself out of situations when people treat me bad. "people only get treated the way they allow themselves to be treated". when you take ownership of your situation and life then you can make changes. you cant change your mum or your boss, but you can change how you react.

i have been in very difficult situations and it was mainly because i wanted to blame others for how i felt and what i did and the situations i found myself in. it wasnt until i took responsibility for my own choices, feelings, and realised i was in the situation i was in from choices i have made, that i discovered the key to getting out or changing those situations was ME.

i hope you find what youre looking for. i found mine to be within myself.

DesertEyes

Uh-huh. Yup. Same here

You are so right. However, when I am in the middle of some nastiness, such as you are going thru now, projecting is _exactly_ what I do. In large amounts. Thank goodness for recovery.

Good for you! That is awesome recovery you have

There are _so_ many unanswered "why" questions in my life. I finally got tired of them all and gave up. Life just is and I will never understand why, I'm just going to focus on getting _me_ through it and let the HP worry about the "why". I guess I hit a "bottom" and finally decided to "let go" of the why's.

hmmm... well.... I think the attitude you are sharing right now is wonderful

Mike