thislonelygirl

My ah drinks (we've talked about him not drinking. Slowing down. Aa and rehab)
He's slowed down by switching from liquor which he drank everyday some days more than others.to now drinking beer though I still am cautious as alcoholics lie and hide it.
I couldn't tell yall how many bottles I've dug out from under the bed. In the closet. In the bathroom . Under the couch. In the kitchen. From the car. These mostly being liquor bottles but somevwine bottles. So we've been on the beer kick for a week (mind you I don't drink at all. Not an alcoholic or anything just as long as I'm living under the same roof I choose to not drink. Not playing along)
So the reason for the change from liquor to beer is to slow him down a bit. He gets drunk and its like nasTy just spews out his mouth. I'm talking. About the world. About my family. His family. About me what I do or don't do right . About the past. What he thinks I do. Sometimes about himself.
Its eating me up. Its all twisted information he says. Example the other day he got upset when he got off work that I didn't cook supper. I was in bed by the time he came home but I text him before he got off that supper was in the microwave. He didn't listen. He just went on about not having food(he was drunk)Another example is he came home a few days ago and accused me of cheating on him because he saw a guy walk from where our apartment is (we have neighbors. Come on!) another time he accused me of cheating because two controllers were out for the xbox (I couldn't find the wireless one to watch a movie on it and I used the corded one but later found the wireless and put it with the xbox. I have confided in him about my past and him with me. Being stupid crazy kids . Doing dumb things.etc. He uses my past against me. I was just a stupid kid and I've grown up since then . I don't drink. I dont do drugs. I don't go to clubs or bars. I don't stay out
late not even past 10 that is if and when I do go out. Its with my mom or sister.
I don't do these things because I don't want too. Its not fun to me. I would rather travel the world than travel to a party or bar. Ah is 28 me 25.
He also puts words in my mouth when I never said that and when he talks about the past or a situation he always makes it worse than what actually happened.
By the way though money is tight and his family seems to think Aa is going to just do the trick. I think its time to just say no more and his next vacation to take out a loan if he has to so he can get sober. Sometimes I do feel alone. I walk on egg shells everyday and even though him and his mother say they want him to quit drinking...its like I'm the only one in the reality that its going to take more than just Aa. In my opinion (I believe he does need counseling ) he has "demons" but I think that if he gets sober therapy will work more and though him and his mother (she's just someone who's helped us)
Are terrified rehab will effect his job. I try to explain that they have outpatient and some places will bend to your schedule. Having recovery interupt your job is better than having alcoholism destroy it.
Any experiences similiar ? And has anyone been cheated on by an alcoholic?
I ask because sometimes I wonder if his alcoholism is clouding my judgement and the things he says is his way of picking a fight so I will leave or he can leave.

SparkleKitty

Your husband is in the grip of a progressive disease, and his family can think AA is going to do all the tricks they like, but until your husband and your husband alone decides he is done, no power on earth can stop him from doing what he's going to do. That includes you.

In the meantime, however, there are a lot of resources and tools available to YOU to help you sort out your feelings, develop mechanisms to deal with his behavior, and eventually choose how you want to live your own life regardless of anything he does. Here is a good place to start. Al-Anon is another. Individual counseling might be another option. Your responsibility is not to make your husband change (you can't, anyway, so please don't waste time and energy trying), but to take care of your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

There are a lot of people here who understand you. I'm sorry you are in the position you are in, I know how confusing and hurtful it can be. Please read as much here as you can stand about other people's experiences, strength, and hope, and please do keep letting us know how you are doing.

thislonelygirl

I understand I cant control it and it has to be him. I just needed to get these feelimgs off my chest and my thoughts. I think he wants too on some level but then he keeps looking at everyone else who drinks or do whatever they want . He hates being called sick. That he has a disease. His constant feeling of being different because of it.
It is hard I guess I was just looking for some validation that it is his disease that causes him to say and do what he does and that others have known an alcoholic to do and say the same. For my own sanity I guess because it is hard and it is sad and it does effect the well being of others.

SparkleKitty

Yeah, I hear you. It seems impossible sometimes, but if you can find a way to not take the things he says personally, and believe you are who YOU know you are and not who he TELLS YOU you are, then it's easier to see the disease for what it is. It is incredibly sad, and again, I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Pelican

I'm glad you are reaching out for support. You are not alone.

Your AH's alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse ~ and it does not matter which form of alcohol he is consuming. The dis-ease is progressive and he will continue to spiral downward.

You mention that he TALKS about getting into AA and rehab, but look at his actions. He is saying what you want to hear, but doing what he wants to do: DRINK.

I was amazed at how twisted my thinking became while living with active alcoholism. My alcoholic played on my weaknesses, said the things I wanted to hear, and kept promising that things would get better. I became a hot mess in the process.

Stick around. You will find help, information and support here.

The sticky posts at the top of the forum pages contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

Here is one of my favorites. I followed these steps while living with my alcoholic husband:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry- it sounds like you are living a nightmare. You deserve better. Do you have children? If not, please do not have children with this man until he gets sober and has a good amount of sober time. Work on yourself and figure out if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. He may never change and you will have wasted your life.

Titanic

Yes. They definitely cheat with their first love, the bottle. And they can cheat with other people too. A substitute or additional addiction, or just pure cheating. It sucks.

But you can recover. Try Al-Anon.

thislonelygirl

Thanks everyone. I feel alone which would seem crazy because its no secret he has a problem. his family and mine know but they (his family) are kind of like oh he just needs counseling and mine are well my mother tells me to move out and let him feel alone so he will have more initiative (which i 1000% agree) Today was a wake up call which its funny because with what ive been though with him everyday before now should have been one as well. today my ah went to go pick up pizza for us give you this was at 5 pm by 7 his phone was off and by 2:30 am he finally came in the door drunk as can be with the cold pizza (yea well now ive already eaten but thank you) he says a few hurtful things acts ridiculous and crashes and tells me to not let him over sleep because he has to leave for work at 5 am (Oh thats awesome!! so he stayed out drinking a few hours before he has to go to work. smarrrttt) Not the first time either. hell drink and stay up till he clocks out keeps me up and then gets mad because im tired the next day(makes no sense) so anyway Hes asleep so i dig around in his car find a receipt for a bar and a liqour bottle. so To find out that on top of just the buying liqour and having a drink (which i cant expect much if he doesnt get the help to not drink) and the being gone for NINE HOURS (ugh whattt?) the cold pizza which was dinner but to find out he was out having a good ole time drinking at a bar that ugh yea you guessed it because its october ....was having a halloween party . so yay me . i feel so disrespected guys because god knows what he was doing or acting like at this costume party/bar. wonderful.
And guys yes it is a progressive disease (i know because ive seen how bad its gotten) in the last month hes been arrested twice for drinking . I can see the change even if he cant and it will get worse. to answer your question hopefulmom no this is not how i want to live the rest of my life. i think about this all the time. how can i when he is showing no need to change and to improve his way of thinking. im afraid that hell get sober and relapse go to jail die lose his job. I cant trust him as long as his drinking and he wants to drink.

Right now after tonight im wondering how i or anyone else puts up with this kind of stuff? I mean Ive spent countless nights no phone call hours gone to find out hes at a party a friends or a bar. Heck just two months ago on MY BIRTHDAY he was out called and said he was getting me sonic (my fave) and picking up my surprise. (ok cool) that was noon that day he didnt come home until 2 am carrying in bbq he got at a friends party while the sonic was nasty and cold sitting in the car. Since that was my birthday and i can think of a christmas or two , a thanksgiving, my daughters first birthday (dont even get me on that one because not only was he wasted but he was suppose to be somewhere else when he was actually getting drunk with a female neighbor that we dont even know in her place. yea i caught that scene and it wasnt pretty)
Im pretty sure its part of the alcoholism but instead of being excited for a special event. i dread it because he always finds a way to mess it up. I mean my daughters first birthday and he did all that....I was sooooo sooooo upset, soooo hurt sooo disgusted but i put myself together to celebrate my childs birthday and (that was the first serious issue between us) and im a forgiving person but ive learned that there is a fine line between forgiving a person and being stupid (Just saying) Because You can bend over backwards to make a relationship work but if your bending until you break then its not really working. UGH!!

thanks for listening

SoloMio

I totally relate to this.. I JUST had a conversation with DD27 about her father, my AH. She said she was talking to her brother and one of their best friends, and the best friend (who really has been a friend of the family since he was a little boy) said, "Maybe he goes crazy drinking because if he doesn't for a while it all builds up and he drinks more."

I have to say I was a bit taken aback by her question. Everyone, even those that have lived under the roof with him, are constantly saying, well, he should just cut down, or I feel bad if he stops, or you (meaning me) should control him better.

When DD said that to me, I reminded her that there IS no sober span of time that builds up to a big drunk-fest. The drunk-fest is almost every chance he gets. I also reminded her that he has NEVER in his life had 1-2 drinks and then stopped. He simply can't do that. And I didn't say this, but I was thinking that it's not the actual act of drinking and ruining his health, it's about his behavior when he drinks. So the guy has a few drinks--so what? Does everyone who has just a few drinks from time to time handle money completely irresponsibly? Do they do impulsive crazy things like AH yesterday who tried to burn a huge pile of kindling all at once just a few feet from our house? Do they call people they supposedly love "controlling b*tch" and accuse them of outlandish things?

In other words, the drinking is almost the side issue to the behavior that's attached to it, and that's what many people don't understand. They're not living with it.

I also wanted to ask my daughter, if he was someone who could drink normally, why would she and her brother even be raising these questions and trying to figure out the magic key to his drinking normally?

It does make you feel alone sometimes. I totally get what you're saying. Even the most well-meaning people sometimes don't see what we know.

dandylion

Dear Lonelygirl, the situation which you are describing sounds like the classic chaos that comes from active alcoholism. It also sounds like you are long-suffering, but are reaching the end of your emotional reserves. You probably feel like your world is about to implode--I imagine.

I hear that you feel rather desperate and hopeless. But, you can take action--NOW. As other posters have mentioned---you can do a "crash course" on this disease by reading the stickies at the top of the page---there is so much to learn that will help you understand what is really going on--with the both of you. I suggest getting to an alanon meeting as soon as you can arrange it. There, you will find understanding and guidence from others who have been in your exact shoes. You will learn some immediate tools that you can use to decrease the "fighting" and hurt that you are feeling. You can get some "space" to clear your mind and decide how you want to proceed.

He probably will need some sort of detox at this point as he is likely to have withdrawl symptoms. Rehab is nice if he has the inclination and the money---but, if he does not want it for himself, it can be a waste of money. Basically, rehab gets a person ready to begin recovery. Many people have recovered with working a strong, intensive AA program after detox---but it needs to be intensive and serious--like getting a sponsor and going to 90 meetings in 90 days (or as close as possible)....and actually starting to work the 12 steps.

It sounds like he still has a lot of denial going on. You may need to get out of his way. Like most other partners, you are probably enabling him in many ways---unintentionally, of course.

The sooner you start to act, the sooner you will start to feel better. As you have pointed out---you have a child who is depending on you. She needs a healthy and sane (LOL) mamma. Living like this is harming everyone---that is why they call it a family disease.

You sound like a strong and smart person. You can make it through this. Take every bit of support you can get.

Please hang around and post as often as you want to!!!

very sincerely, dandylion

lovesunandsnow

being tired every morning I can relate to. My ex-a use to come home at 430am after I didn't talk to him since he was out drinking from 9pm on and then go sleep on the sofa with a beer at his feet that when he got up knocked over to leave a mess on the floor then get ready to go to work still half drunk. I don't miss that and what helped me was alanon meetings, I started going because I thought I was going crazy. I was tired all the time, couldn't get a job to save my life, and felt like the walking dead with a broken heart. It's good that your positing on here, I just started and it has helped. Cannot sleep again tonight, I know he is not loosing any sleep over me but for some reason my mind wants me to loose sleep wondering why I put up wih the abuse for so long and now I'm broke. Hard way to learn a lesson. Take care, I feel your pain.

Pelican

I hope you let him sleep.

His demands of YOUR precious time:
waking you at 2:30 a.m. with cold food and an abusive mouth.
Then he expects YOU to wake up before 5 a.m. to begin the process of waking up his drunk arse.

The fact that this happened with your daughter in the midst can't be changed, but you have control of it happening again.

If you aren't ready to kick this King Baby to the curb, please remove yourselves from the fallout the next time he runs an errand and disappears and turns off his phone. You won't be able to stop him or reason with him, but you can take yourself and your child out of the drama. Go have a mini vacation at a local hotel or stay with a friend.

Everytime he does this, and comes home ~ he expects you to behave in a certain manner: cook, clean, organize, fix everything back to normal as well as become an electrical appliance that can wake the dead. I doubt you were put on this planet to chase after a grown man with a dust pan, huggies, and a fire extinguisher.

This is Your one precious life. You have the right to decide how you will spend it.

I finally had enough of my King Baby's behavior. I got tired of accepting unacceptable behavior as my norm.

I finally said to myself:

My life is important.
My life matters.
My happiness matters.
I am important.

I finally started taking better care of the one life that made a difference: MINE.

Graceland

Here are a few things that I have experienced that might help; I'm still early in my recovery but I wish that I started on it much earlier than I did:

1) My AH did the switch from liquor to beer from many years. It was his ploy to prove that he could "control" his drinking. His reasoning was that he was not an alcoholic because he could choose to drink beer over the harder stuff. What kind of reasoning is that??? You drink enough beer, you still get to the same place - drunk. It just takes a little longer. And, eventually, the liquor always came back. This is just a game that he's playing. Don't buy into it.

2) It was a while before I learned that alcoholics could have "walking blackouts." You already may know about this, but he would spew the most vindictive and critical s*** at me when he was drunk. I took it to heart and it HURT. Totally destroyed my self confidence. He would then wake up and act like everything was A-OKAY. Whenever I tried to confront him with stuff that he couldn't remember, he would ask me to come up with proof and examples. He would then try to rationalize it and explain it away. Eventually, it is safe to say, that I came to hate him. Who does that and gets away with it?

I was reading "Co-Dependent No More" and Beattie says that if you cannot detach in love, you can do so in anger. Again, these concepts are new to me. I couldn't detach in my mind, but I could physically remove myself. He would start in with the nonsense and I would leave. I was anxious and felt alone, but I would do it. It was really hard and I thought about him constantly, even in his drunken state, but I would most often be able to stay away.

Protect yourself. Do what you need to do for you.

My thoughts are with you - it is a difficult time!

laurie6781

And you stay because?

What might be VERY BENEFICIAL for you is to do what is called a
PRO/CON list.

Take an 8 1/2 by 11 piece of paper, draw a line down the middle
and then on one side at the top Write PRO and on the other side
write Con.

Now on each side you can write the good about staying and the
bad about staying. This can take you some time to complete, some
have taken up to a month that I know of but others are done in
a few days.

This piece or two or three of paper will be a great help in clearing
the FOG in your brain.

Then I would suggest you do this same list only from your daughters
perspective. This will help you a lot to see exactly what it is doing
to your daughter to live in this very TOXIC atmosphere. Also, please
go over to the Adult Children Of Alcohol and Substance Abusers to see
just how this is going to affect your daughter in her adult life. Children
are little sponges and they absorb all the bad tension and the loud
voices and many times cannot help but think they are the fault.

Then go back and read your posts made to date, and ask yourself what
you would tell the person that wrote them.

I am sorry that you and your daughter are going through this and am
sending healing thoughts and prayers.

Please keep posting and let us know hou you are doing as we do care
so very much.

Love and hugs,

thislonelygirl

All of your stories are to a t how i feel and how he acts. I feel for him Because It is a disease that gets worse and With how it is spiraling out of control i Know that if he cant stop and get help for himself he will lose everything.my fear is he loses everything and then wants to get help. yes it is denial on his part because he makes excuses to drink or when something happens because of his drinking. for his actions or words. he doesnt even remember all of yesterday his blackouts are getting worse and he knows it. I feel guilty on some level because even though i didnt cause it and i cant control it i am enabling by staying under the same roof with him when i should say im gone until you get sober (thats my fault) his mother is guilty because just last week we talked about his alcoholism and i told her that i was looking up affordable rehab solutions and she qoute said she didnt want it to interfere with his job and she found a free counseling service. thats insaine because his drinking is interfering with his job, his relationship, his life AND IT WILL continue to do so. I feel we are both enabling and that it is a problem and we need to be on the same page.
I feel sad All the time because I know that If this doesnt get nipped now the severity of his drinking will only get worse. So bad he wont have a job to go too, a family at home (as i can only put up with so much) or a life to live for (as he could end up incarcerated or Sick because of his drinking)
I pray everyday to god to help him and for him to wake up and see the truth in his problems. to take responsibility for what drinking has done and not what someone else has done.
He cant just drink beer and he cant just drink a little. once he starts drinking he cant stop but it needs to be him to stop it.

solomio- its crazy right how we see whats going on but others think theres a reason behind it other than just alcohol or that they look for solutions other than recovery? (thats my ahs mother too but my mom without knowing everything understrands completely) it seems family in the situation closest to the alcoholic either understand its an addiction or dont understand at all.

Pelican-Yes i let him sleep. I try to be as quiet as a mouse lol because i dont want him to wake up. hes woken up before and acts like he never went to sleep . if hes still drunk . he wakes up and keeps drinking etc. and Yes with his way of thinking and alcohol it would appear he were a king baby. Isnt that how alcoholism works? they harp on everythign. cry about everything. get frustrated with everything. then blame you for their frustrations?

Lovesunandsnow- Yea I find myself not sleeping all the time. 1)I stay up with my daughter when she wont sleep but then 2. he wakes her because hes loud being drunk 3. he keeps me up literally because hes drunk and wants to "hangout" but mind you our schedules are different and I lose sleep being on a small childs schedule 4. because im up worrying if hes going to drink, has he drank, where he is at, is ghe ok 5. Even if everything is ok hes at work or im at my moms im still up thinking about his drinking....its a disease that infects my mind as well. I hope your mind clears and my mind clears and I agree even if i left my mind like yours would still be running.

dandylion-Yea i am enabling unintentionally but i am. I know it. Because i dont want to make it worse. might say or do the wrong things because Im afraid and its very tragic to be afraid of every move you make.

Graceland-Thanks for the book name. I will look for it and walking blackouts!!! I KNOW THEM WELL! and i take it as a sign that its gotten so bad that the mind is breaking down......When he realizes that well thats not for me to say. its for him. i just pray he does

thislonelygirl

laurie 6781- what you just said hit the nail on the head! I have researched online the statistics of children living with an alcoholic parent. You are right and I feel guilty for this too ....i dont know anyway to explain it other than im sick too for thinking on some level i can protect her and that everything one morning will be ok that sooner rather than later he will wake up one morning and say today is the day. thats my denial though.
I think the same thing day to day what i would tell a friend in my situation and i would tell them to leave to get out and to stay gone until he gets sober that they will feel better when they have left and this will hopefully wake them up but staying hasnt worked and its time to try something new. your totally right and if i wrote the pros and cons down. the cons would outweigh the pros. that is the truth and its sad to say. I feel smothered, i feel sad, i feel , lonely, i feel stressed, i feel scared, i feel anger and i feel like im walking on eggshells day after day. i cant communicate to him about my feelings, finances etc because they "stress him" or "he just wants to drink and relax and not talk about it" or he gets mad. I cant rely on him about simple plans because he may get drunk and ruin them. i cant take him to family or friends or have family and friends over because he might get drunk , say/do something crazy or embarrass me.
I cant rely on him financially when it comes to bills or budgeting because aside from not being mentally minded to talk about them he gets drunk goes out and spends money on countless things that he shouldnt have spent money on.
Im never right and im always wrong....im wrong for pointing out his alcoholism, what he did the night before, im wrong for the finances (even though hes the one going out and spending money) its a cycle of utter chaos and im the one on the wheel .
I have alot on my mind and on my plate , my mind is always running with worry. I do worry about my happiness and my daughters future....Im responsible for her upbringing and i feel like im failing to hold my family together and her.
shes only 2 years old but she is a sponge and my ah talks about the way his father was when he was young and in my mind as well as what i have told him....the pain that you felt as a child you are now relaying onto your own child. this too is a cycle. the difference is though that my ah was abused and then abandoned by his father where as my child has not been however the constant bickering and the drunkeness is something she should not see and it isnt fair for anyone.

laurie6781

Please try and remember just as you cannot control or fix your AH you also
cannot control or fix the M-I-L. The only person you can fix is YOU.

Work on being the best YOU that you can be. Work the program you would
like to see them work. As you change your acts and actions, they will literally
have to change their reactions to you.

I hear your frustration and exasperation at the whole situation. It can be and
is aggravating, and very depressing.

I have found when I have been where you are at the moment, that if I can take
my eyes off the A and the A's enablers and focus my eyes back on me and what
I can do for me, that much of the frustration can and does disappear, until I put
my eyes back on the A, rofl No, we are not perfect and we live by progress rather
than perfection, lmao I also found that when I relearned how to LAUGH at myself,
I was really starting to change and my life was starting to feel a bit more peaceful
and serene.

I also need to add that although he has not 'physically' abused you he is mentally
abusing you, and mental abuse is as bad and sometimes worse than
physical abuse.

Please check with your nearest Domestic Violence center and see what
services
they have that you can avail yourself and your daughter of. Services,
like legal,
and budgeting, and even helping you to find new shelter if you feel you
will not
be able to get him out of the home.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

thislonelygirl

I think the walls around him are comind down. Its all due to his drinking and its affecting every part of his life.he didn't drink yesterday because of it and I hope with what is going on now he sees he can't at all. Thanks for the responses.

thislonelygirl

Graceland- my ah doesn't want proof but he would say the next day when I told him what he did that it upset him and he didn't want to talk about it...would either curl up and not talk or get mad. I think its their way of denying the seriousness of their problems. I still remember when my ah acted crazy the night before and when I brought it up the following morning tried to talk to him about how its not life that's the problem its the drinking...that life will be better without it he sayed and I qoute " so you tell me what I should do with the rest of my life then.
His other denial is saying that everyone has their vices by pointing out that I smoke cigarettes and my parents drink on occasions.he also acts in denial by blaming everything or everyone when something happens other than drinking though he hasn't done that as much lately it may be him changing up the game. Denial is an ugly part of alcholism...its crazy too because its like they are aware they have a problem but at times still find ways to deny its severity. My ah says yes I'm an alcholic but turns around and talks about everyone else and refers to their vices. His favorite word to use lol

thislonelygirl

Solomio- I use to be like that when we first got together . I thought he just liked to drink/party and that at that time things weren't going his way either and was just depressed but as things started lookimg up and we lived together and I saw it first hand day to day I realized that yea it can't be controlled with anything other than detox/rehab.
Your family /his family haven't endured or seen it like we have. Its easy to be blind when you don't see. And its easy fir them to think its because of someone or sonething. My ah's mother who should know all too well because she has seen it and once lived it now and I guess because of his good job and stable-ish life she has at a time or two poimted the blame at me not only for his drinking but all problems associated with it and most of what she thinks she knows comes from his drunk mouth when he doesn't even know what's going on. Your family /his family will know when they are on the other end of his chaos