25 Days
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1
25 Days
My name is Jason and I am an Addict.
I am grateful for 25 days clean today! I am grateful to have recovering addicts in my life, I am grateful to have people who care about my well being in my life today!
These last 25 days have been a ride, getting your feelings back is a hell of a feeling. I was so numb for so long and its an interesting and uncomfortable feeling, its something I love to hate. Sometimes I wish I could be numb forever, but after sharing that I was told that I need to work through these feelings so that I can face life, because life is going to come and its going to be difficult sometimes. So I need to learn how to handle certain emotions and feelings, however difficult they may be or how painful I may perceive them to be. I must learn to hold on until they pass! (THEY WILL PASS)
Today:
Today was an interesting day, I felt so uncomfortable and such a mess! Are you familiar with that empty feeling? I AM! That spiritual void or god shaped whole all of addicts experience once we get a little time clean basically as soon as we get clean, that's my experience! Once my drugs were gone I felt empty, although it wasn't until I fully detoxed that I was able to recognize that I was longing for something, that I needed something to make me feel better. So I tried satisfying that craving with attention for the opposite sex. YEAH THAT FELT GREAT, I AM NOT GONNA LIE, no I didn't have sex, I just inflated my ego a bit. Selfish and Self-centerd, I want what I want and I want it now! This isn't going to work for any length of time if I treat my recovery this way. I accept that, its just difficult sometimes. The part I played in this situation was not spiritual in any way, I know this from past experiences in early recover that this was a bad idea, for a few days I tried to excersize will power on the situations, telling my self I would stop... I am sure you can guess, that didn't work. It was starting to become an obsession and was taking a lot of my energy, energy that should've been used towards other things, good things, helpful things. I was at a meeting last night on the West Side of Chicago and a speaker shared about how the "disease" gets us to deny the truth, yet lie to cover it up. It made me lie to the people around me about who I was talking to and it caused me to sneak and be deceptive, dont forget manipulative. All that sounds like stuff I am trying to get the hell away from! I heard my story and my situation in that room last night, it gave me the courage to be HONEST and ADMIT THAT I HAD A PROBLEM AND IT WAS CAUSING ME PAIN, I was looking for relief, how bout that. I asked for help, I believe that I don't know how to use my cell phone correctly so I gave it to my sponsor to hold on to. Call it detox call it crazy call it whatever you want. I know I need to call other people in the program as well as my family. I can still get a hold of people if I need to and my family is aware of the situation, so they know that I am ok. I feel lonely without it but I know that this feeling will also pass. I want this thing today, even if that means doing the things you don't want to do.
I thank you for letting me share, if you have feedback I am open to suggestions.
Love,
Jason F
Chicago, IL
I am grateful for 25 days clean today! I am grateful to have recovering addicts in my life, I am grateful to have people who care about my well being in my life today!
These last 25 days have been a ride, getting your feelings back is a hell of a feeling. I was so numb for so long and its an interesting and uncomfortable feeling, its something I love to hate. Sometimes I wish I could be numb forever, but after sharing that I was told that I need to work through these feelings so that I can face life, because life is going to come and its going to be difficult sometimes. So I need to learn how to handle certain emotions and feelings, however difficult they may be or how painful I may perceive them to be. I must learn to hold on until they pass! (THEY WILL PASS)
Today:
Today was an interesting day, I felt so uncomfortable and such a mess! Are you familiar with that empty feeling? I AM! That spiritual void or god shaped whole all of addicts experience once we get a little time clean basically as soon as we get clean, that's my experience! Once my drugs were gone I felt empty, although it wasn't until I fully detoxed that I was able to recognize that I was longing for something, that I needed something to make me feel better. So I tried satisfying that craving with attention for the opposite sex. YEAH THAT FELT GREAT, I AM NOT GONNA LIE, no I didn't have sex, I just inflated my ego a bit. Selfish and Self-centerd, I want what I want and I want it now! This isn't going to work for any length of time if I treat my recovery this way. I accept that, its just difficult sometimes. The part I played in this situation was not spiritual in any way, I know this from past experiences in early recover that this was a bad idea, for a few days I tried to excersize will power on the situations, telling my self I would stop... I am sure you can guess, that didn't work. It was starting to become an obsession and was taking a lot of my energy, energy that should've been used towards other things, good things, helpful things. I was at a meeting last night on the West Side of Chicago and a speaker shared about how the "disease" gets us to deny the truth, yet lie to cover it up. It made me lie to the people around me about who I was talking to and it caused me to sneak and be deceptive, dont forget manipulative. All that sounds like stuff I am trying to get the hell away from! I heard my story and my situation in that room last night, it gave me the courage to be HONEST and ADMIT THAT I HAD A PROBLEM AND IT WAS CAUSING ME PAIN, I was looking for relief, how bout that. I asked for help, I believe that I don't know how to use my cell phone correctly so I gave it to my sponsor to hold on to. Call it detox call it crazy call it whatever you want. I know I need to call other people in the program as well as my family. I can still get a hold of people if I need to and my family is aware of the situation, so they know that I am ok. I feel lonely without it but I know that this feeling will also pass. I want this thing today, even if that means doing the things you don't want to do.
I thank you for letting me share, if you have feedback I am open to suggestions.
Love,
Jason F
Chicago, IL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 21
I know what you're feeling. We need to feel like crap in order to get better. We cannot get too comfortable too early in sobriety and be on that pink cloud for too long. That happened to me and I relapsed not long ago. We can't take sobriety for granted, it is a daily struggle. Alcoholism/Addiction is chronic and that is what we must realize. Just happy that you're on here and talking about issues and things that are going on in your life. The best thing is to just let it out.
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