Devushka25

So, my last post on this forum was a little intense and I'm feeling a bit calmer and a little more rational right now, so I wanna seize this moment of clarity. I haven't snorted cocaine since Friday night and haven't thought about it really aside from feelings of disgust but not cravings. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to quit this **** for good. All of it-- including the drinking, occasional pot smoking and even the cigarettes and coffee. Obviously, I'll work on these in order of priority though over time.

This is a big step for me because if you read my previous post, I've felt really powerless to my addiction because my circumstances aren't great and I'm quite frankly emotionally unstable. I haven't felt like it was even realistic to think that weak, lazy, depressed me could really do it. But I decided today that I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself to wallow and make excuses. No one is going to fix me except me. I've watched my father slowly kill himself and lose anything and everyone that meant anything to him (including my brother and I) to crack. And I have a choice. Do something or die with little dignity.

So here's my plan:
1) Sit down and lay out the whole ugly truth to my poor, oblivious boyfriend. It's not fair to be hiding a secret life from him out of fear of losing him. If he leaves, I deserve it and I'll have to learn from it. If he stays which I'm cautiously optimistic he will because he loves me an awful lot, it will be a choice he's making with full disclosure from me. But I can't lie anymore to protect myself. It's hideously selfish and I'm ashamed.
-----Having said that ^^^, any advice for how to go about this? I'm really quite frightened and don't want to chicken out. Have any of you had to have one of these confessional type conversations with a loved one? How did it go? What should I expect? Anything I should avoid saying or doing?

2) Seek professional help. I need to talk to my family doctor and and find a counselor. My college has counselors who will see me for up to three sessions for personal problems then refer me to someone else. I'm sure my doctor will refer me as well. So I should be able to find someone suited to my situation. I'm also going to look for NA meetings in my area, but I sort of don't like the whole NA thing and their structure of the 12 steps... it seems a little cult-y to me. Are there alternative programs? Is a counselor good enough? Also, I'm suffering from depression and anxiety that's unrelated to my substance abuse (I've struggled with it since adolescence and before using). [If you need an example, look at the tone of this msg compared to my last one! When I'm feeling low, I'm feeling really low!] How might I treat that with medication without risking trading one addiction for another? Is it advisable to even go the medication route with my addictive personality?

3) Get the hell out of the strip club I'm working in!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no way I can possibly stay clean and sober in that environment! I need to find a new job ASAP! But I have to remain there in the meantime or I can't pay my bills.
----any advice on how to survive in the most tempting, enabling, peer-pressuring environment on earth for the time being? cause that's what I'm dealing with! I have a tendency to forget completely that I even want sobriety when I'm at work or take on a "...I'll quit tomorrow/just one more time" attitude..

4) Start with abstinence from cocaine and hard alcohol. Move on to cutting out alcohol completely once I've made good headway with the former.
---is that fair?

Anything I'm missing guys? Any words of encouragement or pearls of wisdom to offer? I'm scared and doubtful I can do this but at the same time I know rationally, I need an attitude adjustment and I have to start thinking more positively about myself and what I'm capable of (and that that will help achieve the desired outcome too).

Thanks!

finaltime

WOW, sounds amazing!!!! so glad to see you wanting to make changes for the better. As for telling your boyfriend, nor real easy way> How I did it (together 3 years been a pill popper the whole time) I just sat him down on the couch, I was sobbing and told him.....It was not easy but I felt like I had just won the lotto once I told him. It was amazing the guilt that weighed me DOWN, amazing.

I think you want this, and bad enough. Good plan to get away from the strip club. You have college to look forward too, get a job at a subway or something more healthy!!!!!

STAY STRONG IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER!

HydroHell

I found that being completely up front and honest with my husband was the best thing for me to do. Beating around the bush was not going to help me or him at all and I really needed his support in order to get through this! As of today, I am 13 days clean and sober from hydrocodone. I am feeling better and better by the day!

Going cold turkey was the way to go for me, personally. I knew I would not be disaplined enough to try to taper. I had also read others stories and felt that cold turkey was best for me!

My advice to you, honesty, honesty, honesty!!! Also, you really have to WANT this for it to work. I wanted my life back!!! I was tired of chasing a pill, counting pills like a crazy woman, being a habitual liar, and worring if my husband was going to find my stash!

I wish you the best of luck in your quest for recovery!

Marcus

Sounds like a plan. If you are still going to drink just be prepared. For me booze and coke went together. I would have no desire to do coke, but 4 or 5 beers in I just had to have a line. Then another and another. Good luck!

Devushka25

Yeah, I know you're right about that. I often do coke by itself though because I find the booze dulls my high and I like to be up, up, up! But yeah, if I have a few drinks, it definitely gets the cravings going. What I meant more by the still drinking was in the sense of still being able to order a daquiri if out for dinner or having a glass of wine when hanging out with a girlfriend or something. I was just thinking that if I restrict myself so much where I can't even do that, right away, I might get frustrated too fast and give up on the whole plan altogether. I definitely need to stop drinking at work altogether even if it's just one though because in that environment, it's never just one and with all the other stuff around, it's too easy to let your guard down. Applying for new jobs though, hopefully I get something soon! Need to get out of this industry. Survived tonight's shift without incident though!

Devushka25

Also, as much as I want to eventually give up my caffeine habit, as well...for now I'm thinking it might be a good substitute for the stimulating effect I crave from cocaine. Triple shot lattes, here I come!

ChooChooTrain

Save smoking and coffee for later. Then again, perhaps I'm saying that because I'm from eastern Europe...coffee and cigarettes are like a religion over there.