Devushka25

So, my last post on this forum was a little intense and I'm feeling a bit calmer and a little more rational right now, so I wanna seize this moment of clarity. I haven't snorted cocaine since Friday night and haven't thought about it really aside from feelings of disgust but not cravings. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to quit this **** for good. All of it-- including the drinking, occasional pot smoking and even the cigarettes and coffee. Obviously, I'll work on these in order of priority though over time.

This is a big step for me because if you read my previous post, I've felt really powerless to my addiction because my circumstances aren't great and I'm quite frankly emotionally unstable. I haven't felt like it was even realistic to think that weak, lazy, depressed me could really do it. But I decided today that I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself to wallow and make excuses. No one is going to fix me except me. I've watched my father slowly kill himself and lose anything and everyone that meant anything to him (including my brother and I) to crack. And I have a choice. Do something or die with little dignity.

So here's my plan:
1) Sit down and lay out the whole ugly truth to my poor, oblivious boyfriend. It's not fair to be hiding a secret life from him out of fear of losing him. If he leaves, I deserve it and I'll have to learn from it. If he stays which I'm cautiously optimistic he will because he loves me an awful lot, it will be a choice he's making with full disclosure from me. But I can't lie anymore to protect myself. It's hideously selfish and I'm ashamed.
-----Having said that ^^^, any advice for how to go about this? I'm really quite frightened and don't want to chicken out. Have any of you had to have one of these confessional type conversations with a loved one? How did it go? What should I expect? Anything I should avoid saying or doing?

2) Seek professional help. I need to talk to my family doctor and and find a counselor. My college has counselors who will see me for up to three sessions for personal problems then refer me to someone else. I'm sure my doctor will refer me as well. So I should be able to find someone suited to my situation. I'm also going to look for NA meetings in my area, but I sort of don't like the whole NA thing and their structure of the 12 steps... it seems a little cult-y to me. Are there alternative programs? Is a counselor good enough? Also, I'm suffering from depression and anxiety that's unrelated to my substance abuse (I've struggled with it since adolescence and before using). [If you need an example, look at the tone of this msg compared to my last one! When I'm feeling low, I'm feeling really low!] How might I treat that with medication without risking trading one addiction for another? Is it advisable to even go the medication route with my addictive personality?

3) Get the hell out of the strip club I'm working in!!!!!!!!!!!! There is no way I can possibly stay clean and sober in that environment! I need to find a new job ASAP! But I have to remain there in the meantime or I can't pay my bills.
----any advice on how to survive in the most tempting, enabling, peer-pressuring environment on earth for the time being? cause that's what I'm dealing with! I have a tendency to forget completely that I even want sobriety when I'm at work or take on a "...I'll quit tomorrow/just one more time" attitude..

4) Start with abstinence from cocaine and hard alcohol. Move on to cutting out alcohol completely once I've made good headway with the former.
---is that fair?

Anything I'm missing guys? Any words of encouragement or pearls of wisdom to offer? I'm scared and doubtful I can do this but at the same time I know rationally, I need an attitude adjustment and I have to start thinking more positively about myself and what I'm capable of (and that that will help achieve the desired outcome too).

Thanks!