andisa

I'm just five days shy of six years clean. More or less that is. I've had several one-time relapses scattered throughout those years. I'll drink a very occasional small glass of wine (alcohol was never a problem, I'm a drug addict.) A few years ago I admitted to some very infrequent drug use since quitting a 20 year daily use habit. That infuriated my mate! I cannot talk about my use, nor recovery, with family because it's so hurtful to them, so we don't discuss it. My friends are not addicts and cannot relate to where I'm at, what I went through. NA meetings cite "clean time" which of course I cannot participate in the official count because I've used.

All that said, I quit almost six years ago. Alone I celebrate this achievement, which did NOT seem ever possible. Truly it is an individual accomplishment, done in my own best interest, and essentially for myself. And yet, I wish I weren't in this alone. To me, in my mind, I quit six years ago. That is my quit date and I recognize it as such.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Perhaps to say to others, if you relapse, don't think you've failed! Keep on with your new path. And also, be forgiving and understanding of others if they do relapse. Allow others to talk, listen to them, do not judge them nor get angry at them. Be understanding and patient and forgiving. It's a kindness that will surely be well received and much appreciated.

venicequeen

Congrats on your six years! You are not alone, we can all relate to you very much. If you think about it, yes, you might have used infrequently a day every few months or so, but your ADDICTION is still in recession. You didn't take that use and turn it into full blown abuse, which is a miracle in itself. Good job and keep keeping on!

MidnightBlue

Hi, Andisa.

Thank you for your post! Six years is really a great achievement, and you are not alone - we are celebrating this date with you!7

Take my hugs and best wishes!

andisa

That's why I come here, because here I know I'm not alone in this.
SR was a key element in my recovery. I used to write under a different name but I allowed someone to access my account, bad things happened, my account here was closed and I was banned. By my mate. I wasn't allowed to come here anymore. That closed a very critical door to me and then I really felt alone. But remained committed to remain clean, relatively so at least.

I'm not "supposed" to be here writing now. I'm not supposed to ever use any drug ever again. I'm supposed to just behave and never mess up, obey the rules, comply with the wishes of others. How old am I, 12? No, I'm 44. You'd think I would be beyond catering to the demands and control of others. Well that's a whole other story.

Thanks for being here all at SR. I genuinely appreciate your being here, you have no idea how much.

Chrisy

congrads on the 6 years. You are not alone.

Also understand about being an submissive woman to a man who is head of the relationship.. There are old fashion women like us who love, honor, and obey and want an old fashion man who will love, honor and protect.

Don't feel bad for choosing a traditional lifestyle...

Have you tried talking to him, so that he understands how important S\R is to you and helps you in your recovery? I know unless they have been through something themselves they don't understand and so instead of being a support that helps you in your recovery, they become someone who makes it a more lonely experience because you are isolated from your good support system.

Sometimes it is hard to get through the wall, and so you feel even more alone..

Wish you the best.... Am here if you need a friend to talk to.

Chrisy

andisa

Hey Chrissy,
Thank you for your support here. What's funny is I'm about as far from being a follower as can be. I'm actually fiercely independent, such is why I refuse to marry, because of that control factor. I don't want anything more than to be allowed to be myself, make my own decisions, think for myself. Anyone looking at the way I've arranged my life sees an independent, strong woman. And yet, I'm about as cowardly as can be when it comes to the expectations of others. Hence, why I feel so alone. I can't be honest, lest I upset others who have expectations of how I should be.

There have been many tears shed (by me) over the loss of my freedom to write here. Lots of anger expressed (by him). I cannot live in such chaos, so I shut down and do things out of sight. Hence, the drug use. Hence, a nasty cigarette habit I hide from everyone. Hence, writing anonymously.

Seems the only place I can be honest is here, where no-one knows me.

MidnightBlue

Andisa, it is just like you are talking about me. I hate this part of myself, trying to cope with it somehow, but mostly it copes with me.

andisa

So what do we do? I swear the hiding and cowardly fear is why I smoke, why I think of using drugs. To get away from those suppressing things. It's like they're an escape. Which is why I used in the first place, as an escape from reality.

It's been said so many times, to just be yourself. But what to do when yourself isn't good enough for others? Where is the strength to tell others to just deal with it. To say, here's what I think, here's what I'm doing, here's who I am?

Drug use is hiding, avoiding, escaping. Is this way I'm living, even while straight, any different?

It's a lonely way to live.

Rosiepetal

You are not alone.
I am also 6 years without drug abuse.
I have only admitted it to 2 very close "new" friends whom I built up trust with over the years & they were great about it.
I know other people wouldn't understand.
I have a strong belief that everybody deserves a second chance.
Well done on 6 years.

misterritter

I think to truly be able to do this, you have to feel that it is true. That you are good enough for you first, then you will be able to tell other people that.

And it isn't limited to one sex. It may be less common in men, but there are those of us out there. It is probably something that has to be worked out in therapy, which is what I am doing.

Sapling

Can I ask you a question Andisa?...I'm curious if you got anything out of NA.....And the only reason you don't use it is the clean time issue?....The reason I ask is because I use AA for my alcohol recovery program....And I know I couldn't do this without the face to face support and friendship of other people....I was so alone in the last few years of my drinking....That was the first thing I needed to change.

hypochondriac

I can really relate to this Andisa. I am the same, but as someone pointed out to me, how do you know what other people are thinking...? I don't know the solution, I am thinking counselling and AA will help me. But I know that further isolating myself because of these thoughts is not the answer.

Glad you're here x

Notmyrealname

I just want to chip in and celebrate with you, you are hitting really important, fabulous milestones, and you are not ever alone, so yeah . good job, you! Man if I could come and pat you on the back and take you out for a glass of milk, I would.

andisa

A glass of milk to celebrate...that's funny!
I keep saying this, and mean it sincerely, thanks to all for your responses and support here. I so appreciate you all.

Isolation has always been a bit of a pitfall for me, I'm so perfectly happy when I'm alone, but you see I don't really want to be alone in life. There's a difference. I truly do love people and get a lot out of being with people, but am most comfortable alone, where I need not prove anything nor hide anything or otherwise pretend anything.

Misterritter, I hear what you're saying about self-esteem, and have thought on the subject quite a lot. People close to me have some serious insecurities in themselves and they seem to need me to be, believe, and behave a certain way, or they feel threatened. I cannot endure the upset that results when I disagree with them, they get so hurt or angry or....well, I just shut down and comply, overtly anyway.

Which brings me to Saplings question. I appreciate NA and it offered me much for about 1/2 year right after treatment. It fell the same way as SR, that I was banned from going. My mate was afraid I might open up to others, might meet someone, might find someone or something that might pull me away from home and from him. Insecurities! They're strong in him. Rather than fight it and have to prove myself, that I won't leave him for someone or something or some new friends etc, I stopped going. Not worth the anxiety and conflict it causes.

On occasion I have stopped by AA meetings in the city when I go there for work. I once told him I went to one. I also once saw a therapist, three visits actually. Told him about those too. Again, more conflict, more worry, more chaos.

I still on occasion stop in an AA meeting (there aren't any NA meetings midday anywhere in this state which is too bad. And of course I can't go at night lest trouble arise.) I still write here when I can.

No surprise I suppose, I still entertain thoughts of drug use. If they were handed to me, pretty much at any time, I don't know that I could resist, and that's troublesome. So I just stay away from them and try to figure out how to get away from ever wanting them again.

Db1105

For me, clean time means clean time. That means using no drugs, and no alcohol. Being clean has given me the opportunity to overcome my fears and delusions and achieve real happiness with myself and others. For me, the key is honesty.

andisa

You're so right. I so want to be honest about it all. And when I do, I'm met with so much anger and upset and hurt, I just want to get away from it. So rather than deal with it, I hide from it all. I'd change my situation if I could, but we're talking about my parents and mate here (we have a young son we're raising together.) I so fear conflict! Rather hide and deal with it quietly alone. Though admittedly that doesn't work so good either.

Sapling

I don't mean to sound judgemental...But it sounds like the biggest obstacle for quality recovery for you....Is your mate. The one you should be getting the most support from.

andisa

There's truth in what you say. And yet, I'd likely be this way with or without him, the hiding part of me that is.

Today I've had lots of time doing manual labor (moved well over 2 tons of material, by myself, by hand. Mindless work = time to think) and pored over all that's been written here. Honesty is a key element to recovery. Facing one's fears is as well. I've tried both and have succeeded in both, but both end up resulting in so much disruption, I retreat.

I can't live with hostility in my house (it is my house we live in.) Nor will I have my son witness it. He won't have a mother who's high on anything nor will I teach him to hide. Lots to deal with, much to do. I don't know how to start...again. I feel defeated already because I've been around this circle so many times and it always ends up the same. Intolerable turbulence, followed by the fact I wish I'd just kept my thoughts to myself. I suppose I think I can handle it best this way but obviously not.

So you all know, any input is welcome, I'll not shy from the truth as you see it. Outside perspective is very hard for me to come by.

MidnightBlue

Andisa, if I understand correctly you supress and keep to yourself all your feelings, anxienty, and genuine wishes in order to avoid conflict? If I can ask: what are conflicts about? Which part of yourself you are hiding from your parents and mate? Is it your worries about this lonely journey or there is anything else?

Sasha4

Andisa do you have friends you can confide in - maybe drug use and recovery but usual things women talk about?
Our fustrations with men, housework, worries about kids etc etc?

xxxx