Giles

I've been scanning through all the posts, stickies, etc. for a few weeks now but it's all very overwhelming...

My wife will be out of rehab in about a week, I've been through the facility's family program, went to 2 Al-Anon meetings (the 1st was before the family program and didn't really jive with me at the time, the 2nd was a bit better since I feel I understand things a little more), and started reading "Codependent No More" yesterday...

Any suggestions on what else I can work with? Thanks!

lillamy

Giles,

Welcome. Make yourself at home. Hate to say it, but you may be here a while.

You'll hear different stories from different people here. There are a few good men around with a lot of wisdom (because I do think this codependence experience is slightly different for men than for women) and I hope they stop by to chat with you.

If I were to focus on the one thing that was most helpful to me, I think it was the concept of detachment. For me, that meant re-learning where the boundaries were that separated me from my husband. I had to re-learn that we were separate people. It might sound strange, because you'd think that when you're married to someone who's an abusive drunk, that line would be pretty darn clear. But it wasn't for me. I took on his feeling and felt responsible for his moods; I let his moods overtake and overshadow mine; I let his needs and wants overtake and overshadow mine; I felt responsible when he was angry at me because I had let his thinking and skewed view on reality blot out my own and I really believed him when he said it was my fault that he was angry. I had made him angry. Just like I made him upset and sad and depressed and a whole lot of other negative feelings.

So for me, learning that each person is separate, and that each person is responsible for not only their own actions but also their own feelings... that was huge for me. Accepting that I could no longer make him stop drinking (or, in your case, "keep her sober") than I could make the hair on his head grow out a different color. (If you ask him, I'm probably responsible for his gray hair, but that's another story... )

Out of that -- but that was the basis for my recovery -- came the realization that because we were separate individuals, staying together was a choice. I had always thought staying together was going on with business as usual, and leaving would be a frightening and gigantic choice. But I came to the thinking that just as leaving is a choice, staying is a choice, every day. That doesn't mean I'm saying "all people married to alcoholics should leave" -- what I mean is that you can make yourself believe that CHANGE is the only thing you choose. Status quo is a choice too. And part of my recovery has been to realize that I am responsible for my choices. If I choose status quo, I choose it. It's not a matter of not choosing change, it's a matter of choosing status quo. And if you do -- you can start asking yourself what you get from making that choice.

I wasn't able to do that while still married to an A. In retrospect, I can see that the marriage filled needs I had -- the need to be needed, the need to feel important, the need to feel uniquely qualified to do something. I think people without experience of alcoholic relationships tend to think of spouses of alcoholics as doormats. I often tell people that most of the spouses of addicts I know are, on the contrary, misinformed about our capacity, proud, and filled with hubris. We tend to think too much of ourselves. Think that our love can heal the alcoholic from the will to drink. Our love heals alcoholics just as much as it heals cancer or strokes, actually. So we act out of a false belief regarding our powers.

That was a very, very long way of saying... I am where I am today -- away from the alcoholic I was married to, and much more well-adjusted and happy -- because of three things: 1) Al-Anon. I went to weekly (during really tough periods, daily) meetings for four and a half years. Now, I go when I need it. 2) This place. I read on the alcoholics board to learn about the disease, but mostly, I read and post here, where there's a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge -- and more straight shooting than at Al-Anon. 3) Friends. Really, truly good friends in the meat world, friends who trust our friendship enough to be able to tell me when I'm being nutty, codependent, weird, or out of my mind.

Pelican

I think you are off to a good start! Welcome to the SR family!

I think for me, I had to learn to stop reacting to my alcoholic husband/and life ~ and I had to learn to respond.

React vs. Respond was a key in my serenity.

I was accustomed to having knee jerk reactions to drama of my alcoholic. I began to react in other areas of my life as well. I became this short fused reaction to life. Not my best times.

Responding to life is a healthier choice!