Family Session "Beatdown"

Old 10-11-2012, 08:06 PM
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Family Session "Beatdown"

Long time lurker, first time poster. My husband is currently in rehab. You all know the story. Over the lifetime of the relationship, 6 ER visits, 2 involuntary holds, 1 voluntary hold and now voluntary long term treatment ... and all the drama that goes along with it, most recently an aggressive turn. During family therapy, I've been instructed to write a letter that has questions worded in a way that brings me to a place that I was not intending to go. I've told my husband what this drama has done to me, what it costs the two of us, etc. I'm in a been-there-done-that frame of mind. I am "from this moment forward" right now and am getting anxious about this mandatory letter I am expected to read to him in group therapy.

I have made my plans. My electricity gets turned on next week, long before husband gets out of rehab. He goes to his mother's house. He is welcome to come to mine, but my house is mine, my safe zone, and there will be a breathalizer at the door. I don't want to beat him up. He knows what has occurred, what has been lost, what damage has been done. There's no point in rehashing. I knew when I married him that he was an alcoholic. ****, we were both drunk at our Vegas drive through wedding. I knew then that this would have to be addressed at some point. I don't blame him. I am not angry at him. I am just that the point that it is now past time. It gets addressed or I get gone. I love him fiercely, but it is now or never. I am planning my future and he is welcome to come along IF HE IS SOBER.

I am trying to place what my objection is. Why am I so annoyed at this letter thing. Those in the know say that family group can be a turning point for the addict, so I am answering the questions honestly. I want this to have the best chance possible, because honestly, this is the last chance for our marriage. I really want the marriage to work, but I am fully prepared to walk away and not look back. I am no martyr and have no desire to sacrifice myself for a hopeless cause.

The letter I am instructed to write deals with what his addiction has done to me, my hopes and fears, blah blah. All I want to say is, "We both know what happened. I don't need to spell it out for you. Bygones can be bygones, but from this moment forward, if you want to be beside me, you MUST be a better man." Instead, it is 2 pages of stuff I don't want to say, stuff that has been said before, and stuff to tug at emotional strings. Is this helpful to him? I'm just not there anymore. I can accept either choice he makes. I am making my plans and moving forward. If he joins me, great, but it wont be before 90 days and it will only be if he has been sober every one of those days. If he doesn't join me, I'll be fine ... better than I was living with him drinking.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:22 PM
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i think you should say what you want to say not what you think you should.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:26 PM
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Hey Tresha,

Your post above sounds to me like something you might want to read out loud for the group. It would make a great preamble to the actual letter exercise given to you as homework.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:54 PM
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Here's my thing: HIS recovery is HIS responsibility. For you to force yourself to do something that YOU don't feel is helpful to YOU -- that's just you continuing to be codependent and allowing him to abuse you.

That's my stance on this, as a fellow codie. You've spent X years doing things FOR HIM and giving up yourself in order to help him. Doing something that you're actively resisting emotionally, for him -- that doesn't sound like a healthy thing to me. Of course his counselors and therapists and sponsors, etc., are going to have HIS recovery at the forefront of their minds.

Doesn't mean you have to.

But take that for what it is. I'm an unfeeling coldhearted wench (my ex says).
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Old 10-12-2012, 11:08 AM
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Why put a breathalyzer at the door? If it gets to that point, why even allow him in your house anyway?
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Old 10-12-2012, 11:44 AM
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What lillamy says...

...cold-hearted wenches know some ****. I'm not a cold-hearted wench and I agree with her 100 percent (cold-hearted jerk maybe?). It's funny how setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries are cold-hearted. Hmmm.

Seriously though, lillamy is dead nuts on.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Here's my thing: HIS recovery is HIS responsibility. For you to force yourself to do something that YOU don't feel is helpful to YOU -- that's just you continuing to be codependent and allowing him to abuse you.

That's my stance on this, as a fellow codie. You've spent X years doing things FOR HIM and giving up yourself in order to help him. Doing something that you're actively resisting emotionally, for him -- that doesn't sound like a healthy thing to me. Of course his counselors and therapists and sponsors, etc., are going to have HIS recovery at the forefront of their minds.

Doesn't mean you have to.

But take that for what it is. I'm an unfeeling coldhearted wench (my ex says).
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Old 10-12-2012, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Why put a breathalyzer at the door? If it gets to that point, why even allow him in your house anyway?
I want to spend time with him if he is sober. I am very open to having a relationship with him if he is sober. It is already at the point that I don't trust him not to drink. My boundary is that I do not want to talk to him or be around him if he has had even a single drink. If he comes to visit me, which I would like, I don't know how else to determine if he has had a drink or not. I expect that I will be able to tell soon enough if he is actively working his program (by his actions), but that wont be immediate.

Update. I went. I did not rehash old wrongs, but gave a general, "I have been lied to, diminished, demonized, accused of ridiculous things, badgered, etc." Then I said what it was important for me to say, dealing with my boundaries, my desire to begin a relationship with him sober and present with me.

He is making progress in his thinking. He is a couple of weeks in and still has a lot of foggy thinking. He wants to leave treatment. He stayed. His counselor says he is participating, complaining but doing the assignments they give him. I am guarded but not ready to be optimistic until his thinking becomes more rational.
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Old 10-13-2012, 06:49 PM
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Good for you!
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