Synfull Vyxun

Well, here goes,
Hi, I am a 27 year old, female, only child. I am from a different country and am only here for my mother at the minute.
We have lived in pubs for many years, with my mother as Licensee, I have always known she drank a fair bit, but its only in the last 3 years that I have actually opened my eyes to see the real mother, (and part of my grandfather).
At the minute, she is in a complete state of denial, I have been looking into it and think I am being co-dependent for her, but I have been told I'm enabling her, but after looking into it, I'm still lost. I found I worry about everything she would normally worry about. I try to do things for her, so she doesn't have to think about it, this all started as she has Fybromyalgia, so the guilt trips made me feel for my mother and now I do the cleaning, ironing, look after the animals, (when she allows me!?!?!?) etc etc. My father lives far away and does come and see me and try to help when he can, but he does not see how she is on a daily basis, so keeps telling me I need to change and I need to talk to a Councillor or someone, only problem there is, like my father we cant sit and pour our hearts out to a stranger, I feel like a box has slammed and locked shut as soon as I even try think about talking to someone. My mind goes blank, they ask how I feel, I am numb, they ask what I am thinking, its blank up in my head.

My mother drinks daily for many many many hours, and then denies it, and talks about personal issues between me and her with customers she barely knows, she tells them and myself, that I make things up in my head, I hear and see things, I put words into her mouth, etc etc.
Sometimes she can admit she does drink too much, other times, I am told to get off her back, stop trying to control her, and to stop judging her!!
I worry and care about her, but every time I try to tell her this, she throws everything back in my face, I have made myself sick with stress, I now have Labrynthitis, so I have not been drinking for 4 weeks today, and I feel good about that, as I don't want to follow in her footsteps, I noticed a couple of years ago that I needed to calm down, and I did with no trouble at all, I like to drink with friends, and yes do drink a lot sometimes, but only for the nite, and then I feel like death the next day, this happens once a week if that. So now I feel our roles have reversed, I am her mother, worried about her drinking, when she is coming home, who she is with, especially when I find her kissing random men, that she would never normally go for, and the fact that her 2nd husband left her as she was having an affair, seems to make her drink more, even though in my eyes I think she brought it on herself.

I do love her and am really struggling with all of this, any help or just someone to talk to who understands and doesn't know us, and that cant start rumors, like the people in this pub and small town, would be so greatly appreciated, I am here to help others as well, I am a very good listener but I do not have a clue how to solve these problems.

I have reverted to trying not to talk to my mother now, we live on different floors of the pub, so its fairly easy, plus she drinks in the bar constantly.
I don't want to live like this, I am thinking of moving back to Australia, as I need to live my own life while I'm still young enough to, but I don't want to leave my mother at this point in time.

Wow, that was quite easy to write all that, now to make it public,the hardest part for me is asking for help, I would rather do it myself, but have finally found that wont work this time.

Mracoa

Hello renegayd and welcome to the forum.

I was very resistant to counseling my whole life. I just started going this year (i'm 42!). Don't wait that long.

A big reason I have gone without professional help for this long is my early experiences with counsellors from my teens were not good. Either I was not ready, or they were poor conselors (very likely as i reflect on it). So, don't be afraid to ask for a different counselor if the first one doesn't connect right. Also, don't go to a generalist. Many counselors have specialties. So, find one with experience with alcholismn, codependancy and or ACOA (yes, there are problems for us adult children of alchololics are so common there are counslers who specialize on us, how awesome is that!).

Read the stickies on the top of this forum. And don't do like I did and try to plow along alone, stuffing my feelings and hoping for life to get better. All I knew was what I didn't want in my life. I couldn't figure out what I wanted. "didn't know what normal was" from the traits was a way of life for me.

And don't worry so much about the problems your mom causes for herself. Don't ask her to stop drinking so much or tell her she drinks too much. She won't stop just by you asking and she probably knows she drinks too much. Just back off, distance yourself emotionally and take care of you. You can tell her you love her. But when she is drunk and makes a mess or creates a problem, let it bit her in the ass. Letting her suffer the natural consquences of her drinking is the best thing you can do for her.

It's a hard thing to do, and moving yourself back to Australia might be the best thing you can do for the both of you. It will be difficult. You may go years or more without talking to her. As long as you can handle that. Don't worry if she can or can't. She is the adult, she should have been protecting you, not the other way around. Protect you first, then if there is any gas left in the tank, do what you think is best for her.

I'm attending a regular ACOA meeting, seeing a counsler I like and starting to work the 12 steps of ACOA. I'm fairly new to it and no expert. I wish I had started earlier.