Elimanating toxic and selfish people!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Elimanating toxic and selfish people!
I am finding the need to eliminate selfish toxic people in my life. If it's not a mutually respectful relationship or "friendship" - I don't want or need it in my life.
There are even people here, who ask for advice, ask for prayers, and need support - yet never give back. It's still all about them, their problems, and their addicts! I can accept that but I can also chose who I want to support.
Codependents complain about addicts being selfish, yet they themselves are usually very selfish and it is becoming so clear who I want in my life and who I don't.
My "world" may become a lot smaller but at least it will be healthier!
Have a great day!
There are even people here, who ask for advice, ask for prayers, and need support - yet never give back. It's still all about them, their problems, and their addicts! I can accept that but I can also chose who I want to support.
Codependents complain about addicts being selfish, yet they themselves are usually very selfish and it is becoming so clear who I want in my life and who I don't.
My "world" may become a lot smaller but at least it will be healthier!
Have a great day!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Same page here as well! Once I started taking care of myself I could be clearer seeing the difference between people giving life lip service and those actually living it! Don't know how many times in the past I read past the concept that Actions are what count not words. As soon as I actually heard that and took it on board things changed dramatically in my approach.
I also realized I have no tolerance at all for meanness!
I have cleared out several toxic relationships and steer clear of those unwilling to act. Was telling someone the other day that I hope the clearing out is done....I really like the people I have in my life now and want to keep them!
Thanks for your post.....
I also realized I have no tolerance at all for meanness!
I have cleared out several toxic relationships and steer clear of those unwilling to act. Was telling someone the other day that I hope the clearing out is done....I really like the people I have in my life now and want to keep them!
Thanks for your post.....
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
LoveMeNot,
I've been doing the same thing! It really is a good feeling to be purposeful about our relationships, isn't it? I've always given a whole lot in relationships. Historically, I just wasn't drawn to the ones where I was receiving back.....
I had to become more comfortable being alone to get the courage to do this. It's been a slow process for me but I'm definitely getting there.
Unless it is a reciprocal relationship I'm really not interested. Thanks for bringing up this topic. I really want to stay "on task" with this and it helps to hear what other people are doing too.
Sometimes I'm just shocked at how narcissistic the world is....but then I look around and see how many people do want to live a different sort of life - one where there is give and take.
I've been doing the same thing! It really is a good feeling to be purposeful about our relationships, isn't it? I've always given a whole lot in relationships. Historically, I just wasn't drawn to the ones where I was receiving back.....
I had to become more comfortable being alone to get the courage to do this. It's been a slow process for me but I'm definitely getting there.
Unless it is a reciprocal relationship I'm really not interested. Thanks for bringing up this topic. I really want to stay "on task" with this and it helps to hear what other people are doing too.
Sometimes I'm just shocked at how narcissistic the world is....but then I look around and see how many people do want to live a different sort of life - one where there is give and take.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I keep wondering - I hope this is not black and white thinking! Am I going to end up all alone because I haven't fully accepted others and still have expectations??
But I am just tired of giving unconditionally and being a doormat for some people in my life. I am sorry can be meaningless words!
But I am just tired of giving unconditionally and being a doormat for some people in my life. I am sorry can be meaningless words!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
It isn't easy cutting people out of your life. But, I think you have to trust your gut. This isn't a normal situation. It's kinda like an addict who is in recovery or recovered has no tolerance or cannot be around someone who is using or lies. For me, because this has been so hard, I want to only surround myself with people positive supportive people. My guard is up. My boundries are set.
You can accept people for who they are, and set boundries. I spent 16 years hearing my sister in law go on and on about herself. She never asked about me. When everything exploded in my life, it became about her. She was in denial. She judged. She was insensitive and unsupportive. Goodbye. Don't need it.
Trust your gut.
You can accept people for who they are, and set boundries. I spent 16 years hearing my sister in law go on and on about herself. She never asked about me. When everything exploded in my life, it became about her. She was in denial. She judged. She was insensitive and unsupportive. Goodbye. Don't need it.
Trust your gut.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Lovemenot,
I think that it's hard for me to know where to start with this because it's so different than the way I have been. Alot of time, it depends on who the relationship is with....because I want a relationship with my sons and my family I have a whole lot of give and take. It's never going to be 100% good - sometimes one of us will be the focus due to life circumstances.
In a way, I look at it as water seeks it's own level. If I can sit back and just let a situation ride I can eventually tell the amount of effort that another person is going to put into it.
I know that as I commit to healthier relationships that I still have a whole lot of healing to do. Even just setting my intention (as in....My relationships have an equal amount of give and take) helps me to go in that direction.
I know that we will not end up alone just because we have committed to healtier relationships. It's just going to take some time to populate our lives with people like that. I have to remember to be in situations that promote that....Alanon, a faith community, interest groups. I realize that selfish people are everywhere but those venues are a good place to start.
I think that it's hard for me to know where to start with this because it's so different than the way I have been. Alot of time, it depends on who the relationship is with....because I want a relationship with my sons and my family I have a whole lot of give and take. It's never going to be 100% good - sometimes one of us will be the focus due to life circumstances.
In a way, I look at it as water seeks it's own level. If I can sit back and just let a situation ride I can eventually tell the amount of effort that another person is going to put into it.
I know that as I commit to healthier relationships that I still have a whole lot of healing to do. Even just setting my intention (as in....My relationships have an equal amount of give and take) helps me to go in that direction.
I know that we will not end up alone just because we have committed to healtier relationships. It's just going to take some time to populate our lives with people like that. I have to remember to be in situations that promote that....Alanon, a faith community, interest groups. I realize that selfish people are everywhere but those venues are a good place to start.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I have a slightly different viewpoint. I do not think that one unselfish person exists in this world. Every single one of us are saying and doing things because we want something from others.
I know for many years what I wanted most was to be loved and appreciated. I bent over backwards for other people and it was always reciprocal. I wanted them to love and admire me for being so selfless and was heartbroken when they didn't return my "sacrifices" with equal vigour.
Looking back I saw how selfish all my so-called selfless acts were. As I started to like myself more, my relationships with others became more even. I learnt to say no. I became more outspoken. I saw that whatever I laid onto other people, I was guilty of myself. As I became less negative, I saw less negativity in others.
There is still a long journey ahead, but at least now I understand it is always and inside job and recognize my projections for what they are.
I know for many years what I wanted most was to be loved and appreciated. I bent over backwards for other people and it was always reciprocal. I wanted them to love and admire me for being so selfless and was heartbroken when they didn't return my "sacrifices" with equal vigour.
Looking back I saw how selfish all my so-called selfless acts were. As I started to like myself more, my relationships with others became more even. I learnt to say no. I became more outspoken. I saw that whatever I laid onto other people, I was guilty of myself. As I became less negative, I saw less negativity in others.
There is still a long journey ahead, but at least now I understand it is always and inside job and recognize my projections for what they are.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
I think it is important to have people in your life who bring you joy and happiness most of the time. I guess it would be unrealistic to expect that anyone could do it 100% of the time. I have always found cutting off a relationship to be a difficult thing. I always feel so guilty, but that is an issue that I need to work on. I think it begins with understanding your own self-worth. Good luck with making the choices that you feel are best for you!
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