NotVeryHappy

My wife was recently diagnosed (8 months ago) with Stage 4 Cirrhosis of the liver, end stage liver disease. She will have a greatly reduced life span. When we went into the emergency room because of the horrendous symptoms she was experiencing but was still undiagnosed at the time, I had NO idea she was drinking as much as she did that she essentially killed her liver. Do not misunderstand me, I certainly was an enabler (looking in hindsight) and I thought something was wrong and off in my home but I could never really prove it. There were so many lies, deceptions, poor choices, and awful behavior that I was terribly unhappy. I was angry, upset, mad, stressed, crazy, etc. And then after she was diagnosed, I was even madder. Well she continued to drink and lie on and off for the past 8 months. She went to Rehab and was drinking again a month later. She is not abusive but she can NOT drink if she wants to live.

We have 2 small children under 9 and I do not know what to do or how to do it. I have been to a dozen Al-Anon meetings and I know it is out of my control but I am not sure how to put that theory in practice. I have high blood pressure, stomach is always in knots, and I am mad, angry...VERY VERY angry. If I stay, she lies; if I leave...she may die. I have been with her 18+ years. I am lost, scared and so very mad.

I am so lost in what to do for me, for her, for our kids. Thanks for letting me vent.

ichabod

You need individual counseling, I think. Al-Anon is a great resource, but so is one on one attention with someone who can help give you perspective and the means to cope with what you have to face. I'm sorry that it's reached this point, especially because she must be pretty young to have such young children.

She is going to live or die regardless of whether you stay or go. She knows she's dying but drinks anyway, so there's her choice. Those kids need to be your first priority. They shouldn't have to watch their mother self destruct and their father kill himself trying to hold everything together.

Alcoholism is tragic.

BlueSkies1

I really feel for you and your children.
This really is a disease for your wife. Treat her the same as if she had cancer if you can get your head around the thought that she can control this. Anyone that would drink once they have liver disease and are killing themselves by doing so obviously is not mentally sane about their condition. You can't stop her from committing this slow suicide if she insists upon doing so, unless you can get her commtted. You might consider doing that, get her committed for being insane. It's your last chance at controlling her. I don't even know if this can be done. I would call the family practitioner and find out. She might be a candidate for liver replacement in the future, but probably not when actively drinking. Your doctor will know more about that too.

Now for you--your anger. I understand very well. Can you afford personal counseling to deal with this? I hope so. You really need to let this anger out. It's only fair to you to be able to express this unfairness! Please do this for yourself if you can. Stress is not good for your own body, I know my anger really took a toll on me. Alanon is good for people, but one on one counseling really makes it all about you, and you need that and deserve it. You have been put through too much.

ShootingStar1

NotVeryHappy, I'm so very sorry to hear of your situation with your AW. What a devastating place to be, especially with 2 young children. I think you've been given some very good suggestions -especially to build as large and powerful a support structure for yourself and your children as you can.

I think of the instructions that air line attendants give passengers: first put on your own oxygen mask, THEN put the mask on for those who need your help.

Realizing that your primary accountability now is to the health and safety of your children may help you focus on what is most important to do for the long haul. People here often talk about the three C's of alcoholism:

You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.

That is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is also in its own way very freeing.

Come here often, post as much as you like, we're all here for you, and many many people here have been through what you are going through.

BothSidesNow

Katiekate

Try if you can to turn your attention to yourself first, and then your children.

Your wife has choosen her path, and I know how painful that is, your children need you, so very much.

We are here, we care, it sounds like agony, I'm so sorry.

love to you Katie.

WishingWell

This terrible disease has taken a hold of her and won't let go. At this point her ability to make good decisions is greatly compromised, her brain is damaged.

Is there anyway to get her back into rehab? She will surely die without more help, and at this point, I would make the effort to find her that. There is a good book that you could read. The book is called "No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction" by Debra Jay

Try to let go of the anger and try to understand what a disease this is. She is sick. Sending your family love and hope!

NotVeryHappy

Everyone is so supportive and I am really thankful I am not alone. I am going to individual counseling but regardless, I think I have some tough decisions ahead of me.

Thank you all.

Titanic

We feel for you. So tragic and hard. Glad you came here on SR, Welcome! Is she working (I'm assuming she isn't right now)?

FIRST, FOR YOU: Go to Al-Anon as frequently as you can (go to different groups, you can get more out of diverse experiences) and learn as much as you can about detaching with love (compassion) and living One Day at a Time (focusing on what you are doing right NOW and enjoying the positive things in the moments of your life). Get whatever individual counseling is appropriate for you. Feel the anger, accept it and let it go - you can use those energies for other important things. Get nanny or other child care help. Get closer with family, friends & church/temple if you attend ("round up the posse"). Make preparations a little bit at a time for the possibility of her passing. Get exercise and self-care, including things like massage if you can. Post & get/give support here on SR.

SECOND, FOR YOUR KIDS: Get the kids in with a child psychologist that has credentials and experience with addiction as well as grief/loss/trauma (they'll have a trusted place to land if it happens). Spend as much time as you can with THEM ... having fun, loving, living and laughing. Preserve as much of their childhood as possible. Teach them compassion, especialy for their mom. Also note that Alateen groups take children as young as 8 years of age; the cut-off depends on each group's conscience.

THIRD, FOR YOUR WIFE: Detach with love (compassion). Keep her health insurance in force.