ThreadsOfLife

I am new here and was already terrified but I am more so now reading the different stories, although some have also inspired me. I've been on and off over 14 years with opiates. The past 2 relapses before this one I used subs just for about a week, worked great and the w/ds were not bad at all However, this time has been different. I got back on them to do the same thing but my back pain I have had for years began flairing up and I noticed it was worse than ever. I had an mri done, my back is worse. I went for injections in my back for 2nd time. I have a back brace, I've tried many things... anyways I stayed on the subs, and it's been 6 months. I am getting them without a script and it's costing me so much but a clinic is even more. My insurance won't pay for the meds. I am on 8mg a day, basically I'm working to just pay for my problem. On weekends I take 2 a day. I'm hooked, hard. My husband gives me my daily dose and hides them. I can manage all day at work but as soon as I get in the car to leave I start thinking about it and need it as soon as I get home to get through the night or I just crash. I have been referred to a pain clinic, which I probably actually need after all other attempts I've tried at other ways only for them to work a short period of time. I haven't went to the clinic because my fear of taking opiates again too and also because I don't know if they will accept me and me on subs, especially without a script. The doctor who reffered me, my back doc knows because I was honest...My husband supports me, my kids know and support me they are 13 and almost 15... i've been honest with them also. I just feel like I don't really want help if I'm not willing to be honest with the people closest to me, ya know? Anyways, I do not know what to do. I can't keep doing this, I can't afford a clinic and afraid of the pain clinic if they would even take me.... can anyone give me their opinions? thanks in advance

Scolova

I'm sorry you are in pain, I used to try to drink my back pain (sciatica) away, didn't work and seemed to make it feel worse. Wish I had some advice for you, but I don't.

Mizzuno

Im sorry for your pain. I know all to well what it is like to have chronic back pain. I have never been to a pain clinic myself. What is it about the pain clinic that scares you?

Dee74

Hi threadsoflife - welcome

I suffer from chronic back pain too so I know what it's like.

The plain truth is tho very few of us can deal with back pain on our own...buying drugs off script is simply not an effective treatment. You already know that.

None of us really know what we're doing...the pain doesn't go away and it take more and more medication, which becomes less and less effective

Sometimes we really need that outside perspective and professional expertise.

I know it's scary - but if you have a referral to a pain clinic why not take it...you don't have anything to lose really - and everything to gain.

I'm willing to bet you won't be the first person in your situation they've ever encountered.

It couldn't be worse than what you're going through now.

Are you doing anything specifically for your recovery - any recovery group or anything?

D

ThreadsOfLife

Thanks for the replies... and honesty. I have been on subs for 6 months or so, nothing else since I started but I know some view it differently by thinking they are clean while using subs or methadone just because they are not using "other drugs" and thats cool, to each their own and everyone is different. However for me I do not think I am clean... I am not really doing much for my recovery right now, definitely not putting it first. I read from my NA and AA books, and the daily meditations but thats basically it. In the area that I live to be honest I don't like the meetings. There are not many close enough and the 1 that is believe it or not there were a few people selling pills in the parking lot to each other. I don't know if maybe they were court ordered and didn't really wanna be there, IDK... not a meeting for me. I need to look and maybe find the time to drive to a further away one. Im about the lowest i've ever been I take 2 steps forward and 10 back. As for the pain clinic.. what I'm scared of is ever taking another pain pill again. Even though my husband will have them and give me my daily doses it has and will lead to cravings for more. Not strong enough for that delima. Not yet. I also am afraid they will turn me away becuase of the subs and not with a script on top of that. Pain and Addiction together suck! I did make small steps yesterday and today. I had my daily sub with me and held it all day until I got off work. Usually I'd end up taking it on way to work! I have been just leaving them with hubby to give me and I tried this and did it 2 days. Just gotta get in a sub clinic .. pain clinic... or just off it all. Trying to do some soul searching.