lovingwife

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and have been attending alanon for several months. I have a life pattern of never knowing how to fit in and I feel this in alanon also. I have opened up a few times at meetings and talked to people after the meeting but I can't feel a connection with anyone. They are all busy packing up and talking to other members.

Since I have felt this way my whole life I know it is probably something within me. Does anyone have any thoughts on this for me?

Tuffgirl

Have you tried other meeting locations and groups?

Maybe it is you, or maybe it is the group. I found the third group I tried was the charm. The first two became back up groups, but the third became my home group.

Do you try to talk to others? I know I do my best to welcome new folks at meetings, but sometimes I am busy packing up too. But I will always stop what I am doing to talk with new members if they approach me during that time. Sometimes, I am in a hurry to get out of there and get home to my kids...

Keep in mind what you see may have nothing to do with you at all...

And welcome to SR! Keep reading, and keep coming back!

lovingwife

Thank you Tuffgirl. I have been to other meetilngs and feel the most comfortable at this one so I have made it my home group. I've always been shy so it is hard for me to reach out and when I do I feel rejected too easily. I came from an alcoholic home and have been married to an alcoholic for 34 years so my own self exteem isn't too high. I hope working the steps will help with all this and make me a more confident person.

LifeRecovery

I just want to say that my "process" of being in a group feels pretty similar. I am not shy at all, but I would leave right after the meeting for most of a year after starting Al-Anon. I too think it was about me getting safe (not someone else), and it has gotten better over time.

I love that Al-Anon is able to be what we need even though are needs are all so different. Reading some of The Forum's especially have been really helpful to me about that (I don't connect with all the experiences, but it is nice to see so many represented).

Time, but also service work have helped me to feel more comfortable. Now I am learning to make sure I don't fall back into my co-dependent routines again. When one lesson works itself out, another appears.

WishingWell

I hear you!! Truthfully, I feel the exact same way at Alanon. While I have sat there and felt happy for those that seem to be getting a lot out of it and feel comfort that others understand, it doesn't work beyond that for me or help me grow.

But I know that it does help a lot of people and completely support that. It's incredible to have a place to go to even feel that comfort that we are not alone in this. That in and of itself has wonderful value.

We each have to find the path that works for US, we're all different! I'm happy with what I do to help myself and I so hope you find what can help you, too! There are many ways up that mountain, lovingwife - you just need to find your path!

laurie6781

First, let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are, or are where you are.

Second, I would suggest that you take the 118 into the SF Valley and try some Alanon meetings in Chatsworth.

Then if you still feel no connection, you might want to consider getting some one on one counseling by an addiction Therapist.

There are some really AWESOME meetings of both AA and Alanon in the SF Valley and especially in the Chatsworth area. Yes, I not only found my recovery from Alcoholism in AA meetings in the SF Valley, I found my recovery from my codie side in Alanon meetings in the SF Valley and many of those meetings were and are in the Canoga Park and Chatsworth area, and when I go out there to visit I make sure I go to those 'core' meetings that got me started on my two roads of recovery.

I would also suggest, since you have picked this particular meeting as a home group, that you share that you are 'looking for a sponsor' either a temporary or permanent one and are any of them available. It is a very good way to get some of the members to talk with you on a one to one basis.

Plus, please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream and yes even laugh.

Love and hugs,

Titanic

Easy does it. Ease yourself into a different way of being, a change. Offer to read. Offer to open or close. Ask for guidance on something. At meetings, members may be reticent to press a seemingly shy newcomer. They may not want to seem pushy or prying. They may be trying to attract rather than promote, as one of the Traditions recommends.

Getting a sponsor is an excellent idea.