On the other side
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
On the other side
I've been divorced for a couple of years now.
The children and I are in counseling. It's a two step forward, one step back kind of thing. Sometimes, three steps back.
My children are just now starting to feel comfortable enough and safe enough to express their emotions, in bits and pieces. They still are terrified of expressing their emotions because they expect backlash (screaming, belittling, yelling) from me even though I never did that to them. They expect adults around them to be unpredictable, to lie, to make promises they don't keep, and they have an extremely low self-confidence that affects their grades, even though they are bright kids.
One of them has been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue from the stress of spending the vast majority of life with an alcoholic. You don't want to know what that looks like in a teenager. The same child has also been diagnosed with PTSD. They are all incredibly needy, like big black holes of neediness that can never be filled.
I don't give them everything they need. I can't. I set boundaries. I demand things of them. Some days, they find it unreasonable that I will not go get their schoolbooks from their rooms -- not because they're spoiled, but because that's how tired just being alive makes them.
One has dabbled in alcohol and drugs but become a complete purist. She even downgraded her phone to a text-and-call only phone, because she felt she was developing an addiction to Facebook.
I'm lucky. Blessed. And I've worked hard to get to this point. I have pretty much gone to work, slept and worked with the kids on developing a normal life for us. It's been a full-time job. And I've often despaired and felt like I've failed them. But things are better.
Even so -- I still have at least one night a week, often more, when one child is just crying hysterically about something directly related to their childhood with an alcoholic parent. And this is a step forward, because they're crying and processing. They're expressing their feelings, their fears, their hurt.
We just got through a whopper of a 24-hour period that was absolutely exhausting, but that I think was a huge leap forward for the most closed-up one of my kids, the one who bottles everything until it explodes all over whoever happens to be in the vicinity.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Partly, I think, because when I was married to an A and worrying so much about how he would handle it if I left -- I was letting my children down. I was expecting more of them than I was of the adult I was married to. It used to give me incredible guilt, but it doesn't anymore. We're fighting our way forward, day by day. I just wish I had known then what I know now. If I had let myself really understand how much the children suffered, how much living with an A parent would diminish their opportunities, limit their options, and kill their self-worth, I could not have stayed.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I don't know that it's even close to S and H, but it is E.
The children and I are in counseling. It's a two step forward, one step back kind of thing. Sometimes, three steps back.
My children are just now starting to feel comfortable enough and safe enough to express their emotions, in bits and pieces. They still are terrified of expressing their emotions because they expect backlash (screaming, belittling, yelling) from me even though I never did that to them. They expect adults around them to be unpredictable, to lie, to make promises they don't keep, and they have an extremely low self-confidence that affects their grades, even though they are bright kids.
One of them has been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue from the stress of spending the vast majority of life with an alcoholic. You don't want to know what that looks like in a teenager. The same child has also been diagnosed with PTSD. They are all incredibly needy, like big black holes of neediness that can never be filled.
I don't give them everything they need. I can't. I set boundaries. I demand things of them. Some days, they find it unreasonable that I will not go get their schoolbooks from their rooms -- not because they're spoiled, but because that's how tired just being alive makes them.
One has dabbled in alcohol and drugs but become a complete purist. She even downgraded her phone to a text-and-call only phone, because she felt she was developing an addiction to Facebook.
I'm lucky. Blessed. And I've worked hard to get to this point. I have pretty much gone to work, slept and worked with the kids on developing a normal life for us. It's been a full-time job. And I've often despaired and felt like I've failed them. But things are better.
Even so -- I still have at least one night a week, often more, when one child is just crying hysterically about something directly related to their childhood with an alcoholic parent. And this is a step forward, because they're crying and processing. They're expressing their feelings, their fears, their hurt.
We just got through a whopper of a 24-hour period that was absolutely exhausting, but that I think was a huge leap forward for the most closed-up one of my kids, the one who bottles everything until it explodes all over whoever happens to be in the vicinity.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. Partly, I think, because when I was married to an A and worrying so much about how he would handle it if I left -- I was letting my children down. I was expecting more of them than I was of the adult I was married to. It used to give me incredible guilt, but it doesn't anymore. We're fighting our way forward, day by day. I just wish I had known then what I know now. If I had let myself really understand how much the children suffered, how much living with an A parent would diminish their opportunities, limit their options, and kill their self-worth, I could not have stayed.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. I don't know that it's even close to S and H, but it is E.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I know it's hard, but try not to be so hard on yourself. We do what we know at the time. When we know better, we do better. You are doing the best you can and it's good, not only that you are all in counseling, but that you have boundaries and hold to them. We know kids need structure and it's good that they are beginning to feel safe expressing their feelings.
((((HUGS)))) to you, amy. You're doing a great job and I know that both you and your kids will benefit from all your hard work.
((((HUGS)))) to you, amy. You're doing a great job and I know that both you and your kids will benefit from all your hard work.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Hindsight IS 20/20 when it comes to this disease! Without knowledge about it AT THE TIME, we do what WE do just as the As do what they do. AT THE TIME, the only solution we knew was to try to deal with and focus on the A problem. You are no more responsible than a mother who has a child with MS or something. You didn't cause this and you couldn't control or cure it.
You are among many of us who feel guilt over our past parenting in the face of the A demon. Look here, for example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
Peace be with you!
You are among many of us who feel guilt over our past parenting in the face of the A demon. Look here, for example: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-our-part.html
Peace be with you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Yes yes YES! Thank you so much for this post. Ever since i moved out i've felt guilty about not leaving sooner. And immense guilt that i couldn't FIX my teenager, and that i felt forced to send him back to his father due to his stealing(money and my vehicle keys on occasion) and how i wish the counseling that we were in for six months had done" something".
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
What made me STRUGGLE all through my childhood and my teen years, all the hurt and neglect of growing up with an A dad, made me FIGHT harder than anyone I know to succeed in my adult years. So, don't beat yourself up too much. And don't overanalyze them, looking for the effects of growing up with their dad. Let them be who they are, teach them good values, respect them as the individuals they are, be predictable and consistent, and show them love, kindness, and caring, and they will be okay. And so will you (((hugs))) lillamy. Thank you for being such a conscientious parent.
(((hugs))) lillamy. Thank you for being such a conscientious parent.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Thank you! I sincerely NEEDED to hear this.
My children are small (1,4, and 7). It is heart wrenching not only on me, but on them too. My eldest tells me daily that I need to forgive her dad and let him come home. She is caught up in his lies, and I can't make her see the truth, because of course his lies sound so good to a seven year old (heck, they sound good to me too, the difference is that I know it's all talk, no action). I struggle daily with the pain that this divorce is causing them. I have moments where I waffle and think,maybe it will get better....I needed to hear this so that I know that I am truly protecting them by leaving.
My children are small (1,4, and 7). It is heart wrenching not only on me, but on them too. My eldest tells me daily that I need to forgive her dad and let him come home. She is caught up in his lies, and I can't make her see the truth, because of course his lies sound so good to a seven year old (heck, they sound good to me too, the difference is that I know it's all talk, no action). I struggle daily with the pain that this divorce is causing them. I have moments where I waffle and think,maybe it will get better....I needed to hear this so that I know that I am truly protecting them by leaving.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by Confetti 
Thank you! I sincerely NEEDED to hear this.
My children are small (1,4, and 7). It is heart wrenching not only on me, but on them too. My eldest tells me daily that I need to forgive her dad and let him come home. She is caught up in his lies, and I can't make her see the truth, because of course his lies sound so good to a seven year old (heck, they sound good to me too, the difference is that I know it's all talk, no action). I struggle daily with the pain that this divorce is causing them. I have moments where I waffle and think,maybe it will get better....I needed to hear this so that I know that I am truly protecting them by leaving.
My children are small (1,4, and 7). It is heart wrenching not only on me, but on them too. My eldest tells me daily that I need to forgive her dad and let him come home. She is caught up in his lies, and I can't make her see the truth, because of course his lies sound so good to a seven year old (heck, they sound good to me too, the difference is that I know it's all talk, no action). I struggle daily with the pain that this divorce is causing them. I have moments where I waffle and think,maybe it will get better....I needed to hear this so that I know that I am truly protecting them by leaving.
I also put my kids in counseling and that helped... but what is interesting is that my daughter who was so emeshed with "Disney Dad" has now expressed that she wished I had kept her from their dad more!
Turns out they were way more stressed by having to visit him than I ever knew as they hid it well...
NOw they well know his faults, issues and addictions and recocnize how manipulative he was through their childhood. They maintain a relationship with him but it is distant and they have zero respect for the guy. They came to these decisions without any input from me...
Finding that "balance" that helps your kids find their way through a dysfunctional family of origin and embark on a healthy future is a challenge and it sounds like you are doing a great job... someday... they will fully understand a lot of the dynamics that are beyond them right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Trilogy, it feels so hard not to be able to control what kind of life your kids have, and what happens to them, but we just don't have that power.
What is incredibly important, and I say this as a survivor of a highly dysfunctional childhood with an alcoholic father and psychotic mother, is that YOU are in your children's lives now, wholly and fully. What I never got, and couldn't get as a child, was any knowledge that my life was dysfunctional. I thought that was the way it was for everyone.
What you are giving your children, difficult as it is, is something entirely different. You are honest, you let them feel, you want them to feel, you are real. You tell them - and show them - what the truth is about normal behavior. That, over time, will allow them to sort through what is dysfunctional about their AF and their past time with him, and what is normal.
It may be painful, and noisy, and chaotic as you all go through it, but the light of reason shines in your house, and that is a gift.
Take care, take care of yourself, because you are doing everything possible, and you deserve to be praised and taken care of, too.
BothSidesNow
What is incredibly important, and I say this as a survivor of a highly dysfunctional childhood with an alcoholic father and psychotic mother, is that YOU are in your children's lives now, wholly and fully. What I never got, and couldn't get as a child, was any knowledge that my life was dysfunctional. I thought that was the way it was for everyone.
What you are giving your children, difficult as it is, is something entirely different. You are honest, you let them feel, you want them to feel, you are real. You tell them - and show them - what the truth is about normal behavior. That, over time, will allow them to sort through what is dysfunctional about their AF and their past time with him, and what is normal.
It may be painful, and noisy, and chaotic as you all go through it, but the light of reason shines in your house, and that is a gift.
Take care, take care of yourself, because you are doing everything possible, and you deserve to be praised and taken care of, too.
BothSidesNow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh, I'm not being hard on myself. I've accepted that I made the choices I was able to when I was able to. I think I wanted to share because I spent so much time in my marriage worrying about the A when he was an adult, rather than worrying about my kids, who were innocent bystanders.
And I also spent a lot of time asking myself "what right do I have to remove my children from their other parent?"
The questions made perfect sense then, but I can see now that I basically used those two things as excuses to not leave, even though part of me knew that was the right thing to do.
So I think I wanted to say that. That coming out on this side, I made the right choice to leave. We're living on a shoestring and it's hard work, but there is calm, structure, and a healthy environment. And that's more than I can say for how it used to be.
And I also spent a lot of time asking myself "what right do I have to remove my children from their other parent?"
The questions made perfect sense then, but I can see now that I basically used those two things as excuses to not leave, even though part of me knew that was the right thing to do.
So I think I wanted to say that. That coming out on this side, I made the right choice to leave. We're living on a shoestring and it's hard work, but there is calm, structure, and a healthy environment. And that's more than I can say for how it used to be.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Lillamy,
Thank you so much for this thread. This is my life to a tee. It is so much work staying focused on supporting my kids and me (ie my day job), working my recovery program and then being there for my children.
Alcoholism has caused so much pain and confusion for me and my children. I struggle with maintaining that fine balance between helping them and enabling them. A part of me wants to shield them and protect them from any future pain (seriously, haven't they suffered enough?!?) and then I remember my job as mom isn't to put them in a bubble... It's to give them the tools they need to live life on life's terms.
Man, it's hard work. I'm struggling in a bad way lately with all of it. I'm tired. Reading your post let me know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this thread. This is my life to a tee. It is so much work staying focused on supporting my kids and me (ie my day job), working my recovery program and then being there for my children.
Alcoholism has caused so much pain and confusion for me and my children. I struggle with maintaining that fine balance between helping them and enabling them. A part of me wants to shield them and protect them from any future pain (seriously, haven't they suffered enough?!?) and then I remember my job as mom isn't to put them in a bubble... It's to give them the tools they need to live life on life's terms.
Man, it's hard work. I'm struggling in a bad way lately with all of it. I'm tired. Reading your post let me know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
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