Crispywhisper

I originally posted this in the newby section and it was suggested I go here instead. I'm 22 years old and have had addiction apart of my life since I remember my mom is a cocaine/heroin/ alcoholic who while pregnant with me engaged in these activities. Thankfully I was born healthy I am still not sure how or why I was born so healthy but am so glad I was. When I was 4 she left one day while me and my older sister were at school. My dad raised us but he was also an alcoholic and sexually abused us. I left home when I was 13, my sister started doing drugs at this time mostly pot, but eventually became addicted to ecstasy. She found out she was pregnant an sober up the same day. A couple months later (I was 18 by then) I met an amazing man I thought I was done with addiction all the people in my life were drug free and I was happy. Until yesterday I was looking through his phone, which is weird I have never done this and had no plan to I just had a feeling to look, anyways one message surprised me.
Person: u need some
Boyfriend: ya 2
Person: ok it's one twenty and I have no change
Boyfriend: on my way
Person: k are u gonna give me a line
Boyfriend: oh yeah

Immediately I thought it was cocaine, part I me thinks I'm just jumping to conclusions since he has no signs of cocaine use. He eats regularly, the only time he is active is when he goes to the gym an hour a day, he sleeps longer then I do, and usually sits on the couch all night. The only thing that is even close to cocaine use is he had a runny nose, same time I was getting over being sick, he had muscle spasms that the doctor diagnose as a muscle tear and he has vivid dreams on occasion. But at the same time I think I'm being foolish and trying to convince myself he's not because I love him so much. I'm confronting him nex time we talk (he is out of the country till Monday but hopefully will talk on the phone tonight) and I want him to choose but I'm scared because everyone I Have loved has chosen addiction over me and I'm not sure if my heart can take it again. And I love this man I want to marry him have his babies and die together but can't do that if he's on drugs. I have anxiety so this is making me anxious and I can't eat or sleep.

Impurrfect

((Crispy)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has/had loved ones who use.

I think your gut is right. I can tell that, in hindsight, mine always was, though I doubted it for a long time.

I hope you keep reading and posting here. There are "stickies" at the top of this forum that have really good info. You may want to take control of your finances, as his texts indicate he is spending money on something. It may not be cocaine (I'm a recovering crack addict) but could be opiates, which his symptoms sound like withdrawal for...runny nose, muscle aches, etc.

You aren't alone. We are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

laurie6781

I wholeheartedly agree with ^^^^^^^^.

I too am an RA and a recovering codie, lol

Please TRUST YOUR GUT!

I would suggest that you get some private counseling with a therapist that
specializes in addiction to help you with you. I would also suggest that you
try some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings for YOU. I say Alanon because
many times there are whole lot more Alanon meetings that will fit one's
schedule than Naranon.

You can ask him, but he will lie, Addicts lie. What you found sounds like
arrangements for a 'buy' to me.

Please read around the forum, and especially the 'sticky's at the beginning
of this forum.

Please take care of YOU as there is nothing you can do to help the addict.
This I am sure you already realize from your growing up with one.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so
very much.

Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream and yes even laugh. We have been
where you are now.

Looking forward to your posts ...................................

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Welcome...50% of children of addicts either become addicts themselves or have relationships with them.

In your case I would trust my gut, and the red flags that are waving bodly in your face.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and others posts.

Addicts are not good marriage material and terrible parents, their first and only love is feeding their addiction.

EnglishGarden

In recovery for both addicts and codependents we use the "one day at a time" approach to life and that can work for you, too. You are in a state, a high state of anxiety and fear of the future, and this drains us of all our life force when we get into such a state. In recovery we try very much not to react to a future in our mind which has not actually happened.

No one cannot predict the future for your partner and you, and the best you can do is deal with what is in front of you just today.

Yes, it sounds as if your partner is scoring drugs. Maybe opiates. This does not guarantee he is an addict. You do not know for sure and we can't know for sure either. Drug abuse and drug addiction are very different issues. Drug addiction involves an obsession of the mind, a complete overtaking of the mind, which does not happen in drug abuse. You do not yet know which issue your partner has. The fact that he is hiding his use is more indicative of addiction, but you do not know yet.

If he is in active addiction, there is the possibility he can get clean. No one can predict. Opiates are hard to kick because the addict is so emotionally bonded to that particular kind of high. But people do kick opiate addiction. I certainly have known a few recovering opiate addicts in my life. There is no predicting about your partner right now.

What we do know here for sure is how you can take care of yourself, and by doing so, even increase the chances your partner will get clean--if he is an addict.

You will need some kind of support there. If it becomes apparent that you are with an addict, we recommend Nar-Anon meetings (for loved ones of drug addicts) or Al-Anon meetings (which are for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts). It is a fact that when someone's partner is an addict, the best thing she can do for him is to go to meetings for herself. To explain why will take up too much space right now, but do not doubt this, it is hugely important. Recovery for the addict almost always first starts with recovery in the family.

Please try to breathe, please remember there is help and support in the world for both your partner and for you, and try not to react to a future which has not yet happened. If there is an addiction problem, there is a wealth of recovery knowledge to educate you on the right way to deal with it in your relationship. And you can seek that help, through meetings or through counseling. You can embrace that responsibility.

And if your partner is an addict, and if he wants to stop, then there are meetings all over the place where he can take responsibility, too. You do not yet know how this story will unfold. Try not to react to a story which has not happened.

Whatever is to come, there is help everywhere for you both. Try to focus on that for now.

If you need support next week, please let us know. You can google "Nar-Anon" (or "Al-Anon") and your state and you will find yourself some meetings.

And if you have any chance at all to sit with a counselor who can help you with the pain of your childhood, please do take that opportunity. I know women who share a similar history, and counseling was very healing for them. You are worthy of being healed.

Crispywhisper

I think it might be more drug abuse now that you mention it, yes he is hiding it but it could be because in the first month we were dating I voiced my past and how I don't like to be around drugs. I was looking at his bank records and just looked at the withdrawals amounts and in the last 19 months there was 6100 taken out and most of that I am sure went to drugs but probably not all. And when it is taken out its when I'm working an the days I'm off he spends completely with me. He doesn't go out during the week to party we spend our evenings together and he's home when I get home from work and usually has supper cooked or started. He pays for the mortgage (he bought us a house a year ago) and I pay for the bills if I am ever short on money he gives it to me no questions asked he put a down payment on my car and even offered to buy it out but I wouldn't let him. It's just hard to believe he is even doing drugs because he's not an angry man, he doesn't go out on the weekends or at night and he's caring he puts everyone else before himself, so it's hard

EnglishGarden

Whatever his true situation, you will be all right as long you get good support around you. If he's spending that much money behind your back, and you believe it's for drugs, he may have crossed the line into addiction. Opiate users are often very calm, easy-going, because that is how opiates work: they produce a feeling of contentment. Opiates remove pain, both physical and emotional. But as one uses opiates, the body gets used to them (tolerance) and the person has to take more of them to feel all right. So more money is spent.

As long as the opiate user keeps the right amount of drugs in his system, he is content and can be very productive at work and generous to those he loves. It can be difficult to spot someone on opiates as they usually do not seem intoxicated. But the trouble begins if the user runs low on opiates or runs out altogether. If he is addicted to opiates, he will experience withdrawal--sweats, severe body aches, nausea, diarrhea, extreme anxiety, depression--and that is when his loved one will realize he is addicted, not just a recreational pill popper. Opiate abuse does not produce the psychological craving and obsession nor the physical withdrawal that opiate addiction causes.

But for now, keep in mind that there is help for you and for him, and do not today spiral into deep despair about a future that you cannot foresee. In Al-Anon there are the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. The loved ones of addicts can seek help and that can be a turning point for their lives in ways they could never have imagined.

Also in Al-Anon, in the opening of each meeting is the reminder to all loved ones of addicts: "There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened." Loved ones of addicts learn to live one day at a time and to trust in a higher power to care for the addict and for us as well. We learn how not to enable the addict, and we learn to place our problem in the hands of a higher power.

So breathe and try to find some calm and know you are not alone, and that there is always hope. This situation in your life will perhaps have a long unfolding with many peaks and valleys. Find help for your problem, find your own way to recovery, and allow the higher power of your understanding to guide you in each step of the way.

We understand and we are here for you as you walk this path.