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Embracing Change- Bring it On!

Old 09-21-2012, 03:33 AM
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Embracing Change- Bring it On!

When I get scared, lonely, and sad I would always revert to what was familiar. For me the familiar was my ex. So I would run back. The unsafe was safe. For me the familiar was pain, anxiety, chaos, ecstasy, and then more pain so I would go back as if being involuntarily sucked in to a blackhole. It's what I have known love to be- crazy, passionate, insecure, unreliable, unavailable, numb, intense, and abusive. And now I know that my "familiar" place, while it apparently is what I needed to grow, is not okay with me anymore. It is time for me to wake up, evolve, and transform as my new life is waiting for me now. I have had to battle demons a long the way and now am surrounded by angels. All are important parts to the whole. It is like dying and being reborn before actually dying.

I am breaking free, in stages, but I think I am in the phase of moving on now. And now is what matters. I will no longer grieve the future or hope for the past. I have grieved the past and I am living in the present with gratitude for each waking breath. I look forward to whatever is in store for my new life.

I have come to realize that what kept me from letting go of the pain was that the pain was actually what was making me numb. So I had to go through the pain to come out on the other side. The pain is deep and I am asking it to leave now because I have held it for so long and I need freedom to grow.

I am no longer the girl who's mother abandoned her to alcohol in her most formative teenage years when she needed someone to be there to protect her and take care of her. I am not the little traumatized girl who was sexually abused anymore who's mother ignored her when I needed her to believe me. I am not the little girl who cannot remember many parts of her childhood although it was a happy childhood for the most part. I am the woman who is healing and protecting that little girl inside now so she can rest. I have denied her and in turn have been denied. She has now transformed into a whole mature adult woman who can protect herself with the loving kindness of her higher power- that is me. And with that I trust my mother will find her way to her higher power eventually.

I love my family with all of their many challenges, addictions, and pain. I realize what we have is love and I also realize there is deep codependency. I choose to break the wheel of dysfunction and to take responsibility for myself. I feel that will heal our family more than contributing to the insanity. And believe me, so much has changed since I took that leap and disengaged. I offered solutions, love, and respect which I could not offer before because I was angry, hurt, scared, and sad.

I love my ex and I have let him go. I am moving on. I am healing. I am changing. I am FREE! I am home free at last. Right where I am right now I have everything I need. I have come to realize what true love and pure love means. Everything on this earth is temporary and changing. Love is infinite and immortal.

Guilt, grief, ego, attachment, and pride has kept my life on repeat. I will do a ritual to let him go and move on and will stop manipulating him any longer or to allow him to manipulate me. Because when I feel all of this love, I feel like sharing it with him and convincing him that he should join me in the land of the loving. His sobriety is not my responsibility and at the same time he will be able to experience the growing pains needed for true sobriety and recovery beyond just not using his drug of choice. I pray for his serenity as well and I pray for my serenity.

I need emotional sobriety for my heart, for my healing, and for the love to return. So I cannot be with someone who is emotionally unstable. I was acting like a mother to him and I am not his mother. Maybe I gave him what he needed for a little while- some motherly love, attention, and affection while asking for little in return while I replayed my childhood trauma with denial of love, abandonment, and attachment. So once again, I say to him and everyone in my life that is in pain- "I am sorry, I forgive you, Please forgive me, I love you, and Please pray for me and I will pray for you. Thank you."

I have so much love in me I feel I could burst and I have denied it for too long. So I protect myself with light now. I am coming out of the dark unafraid. I don't have to be scared anymore. None of us here in this forum have to be scared anymore. Embrace love, embrace light, embrace the pain then let it go, embrace change. I embrace whatever may come my way. So here comes the change- Bring it on!

Please share...

Many Blessings,
B&B
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Old 09-21-2012, 03:43 AM
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BlackandBlue - what beautiful, inspiring, uplifting post! Thank you!!!
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Old 09-21-2012, 04:16 AM
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The hardest part about change is stepping out of our "comfort zone" because our comfort zone was not a healthy place to be...it was simply comfortable because it was familiar, we knew how to act and what to expect.

Once recovery helped me get to know "that stranger called me" I learned that I had dreams to fulfill, and I was blessed with good health to go ahead living life well, as life should be lived. I let go of what was not mine to control, other people and the past. How freeing that was.

I hear the elation in your post, b&b, you too have broken the chains of codependency that bound you to the past. Be free, follow your dreams and don't look back because you're not going there.

Hugs
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Old 09-21-2012, 07:56 AM
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" Emotional sobriety" !
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:09 AM
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What an awesome manifesto to your recovery! If you haven't already, keep this close and read it often. Very moving and inspiring. Thank you.
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:28 AM
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Thank you B and B, that was an amazing message of hope and the promise we can all redeem when we let it all go! Miracles are real
Love
TT
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Old 09-21-2012, 04:26 PM
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Great post. Thank you for sharing your journey to the other side!

God Bless!! You are FREE!!
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Old 09-22-2012, 05:58 AM
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Breaking Free

Thank you all for your encouraging words. It is bit of a fight to get through the hard times. That fight is a resistance to change. I truly believe we look for what is comfortable as humans because it is easier and understandably feels like the safer option or the right choice. To give in to the demands of our actively addicted loved ones is like holding out bait for a great white shark. Better yet, you are the bait. We are feeding a "monster," which is the addictive cycle, that may very well bite our hand off or our heads off. Notice I did not call him a monster. I was also part of creating that monster. And we do this almost as if it were second nature to sacrifice the better part of our lives for the addiction because at least we feel like we are getting something out of it.

And most certainly, we have something to learn from our situations or we would not all be here on this earth together. Each and everyone one of you on this forum feels like a distant relative to me. The real question is how long will it take to change? Today, another broken heart, maybe ten years, maybe a death, maybe a lifetime, maybe losing our identity, maybe going insane. What will it take to get off the runaway train?

We give into our addictions and patterns because we feel we have the power to change a situation that was partially created by our participation. Change one wheel on the dysfunctional system and the whole dysfunctional system will fall apart. It may go on dysfunctionally without you but that is the only way it will ever change. I had to go back to him ten times- relapsing on the powerful intoxicating chemistry between my ex and me- before I woke up. And it has taken him ten times in two years for him to stay off of heroin. And I may have been a part of something destructive- but at least I was a part of something for a little while and that gave me some comfort. Leaving that world behind means walking on alone for a little while.

So I went back- chased my dragon- and said to myself "this time will be different cause he really loves me and love conquers all and my love will save him and I swear I am not trying to change him or be his mommy he never had." Then he went back- and chased his dragon- and said "oh well its only a beer or its only a bong hit or it's only a pill and at least it's not heroin and at least I can still get high on something and call it something else. Oh and I hope she stays with me because I need a good ego stroking and I need someone to take care of my needs and I need her to validate that what I am doing is okay."

No wonder why we never learn. We convince ourselves that we have made progress and call it by a different name. I know this is part of it and I hope that I have truly escaped the prison of addiction in stages and here is how it goes. First breaking out of the cage (illusion/delusion); running from the guards with big guns (ego, pride, reptilian brain); oh and getting caught and getting sucked back in (all of the second chances); jumping the fence (breaking free, setting boundaries, saying no); and now running for my life (healing, praying, working steps, going no contact); oh and hiding out for a while (not to avoid life but time to grieve, learn how to be alone in your own company, reflect, learn self-love) and finally where are we running to? We are running to put time, distance, and space between us and addiction. Now we can stop running because you made it to the other side of the mountain at last (Recovery).

This is where the real healing begins which is why I laced up my running shoes for the long haul cause I know it's a marathon and I have to pace myself. Welcome to your new life. The one you are meant to have if you get out. All of your reasons to stay are nothing but excuses and they might be good ones but they are all excuses. How can we help someone else "break out of prison" if they don't want to be free or if they refuse to get help. And realistically if they willingly keep going back to that place time and time again based on their actions, why are you trying to bail them out. No one ever learns when someone bails them out. Get out. When they are ready to get help, they will get help and you can be there for them then- maybe. If they don't understand on the other side why you had to run then they are not worth it. For the sake of your life, for your family and friends, for your children, for your future children, for the addicts sake, and for the betterment of the world. Yes, I believe it is that powerful. Today, do something that makes the world a better place and take care of you first. I will not beg my ex to change so I beg you to be the change.

I am in the stage of running for my life and I am half way between him chasing me (and all of my demons) and I am half way to the hills. And I think I am finally safe and out of sight and now am in "hiding." No typical rebound relationships for me this time and no repeating old patterns. If I contact him, let him in again, give him any hope of reuniting at any point within a year of our last contact I know I risk starting again. He may move on. He may not. He may suffer. He may decide that recovery is a good option. He may try to find a way back to me. It is not my business anymore. I forgive him. I forgive me. I will pray with words reaffirming this vow every night until I feel completely free.

The risk of going back to that dark place and losing everything again is just not worth it. I went INSANE and everyone around me knew it. Why would I do that again? I have no delusion that he is all better. I have no delusion that our love will make everything okay. I am keenly aware that the only hope for both of us is to move on. That is love. Nothing in active addiction resembles love. It is only getting high. All you have to do is be an innocent bystander and watch what happens in the cycle. They are the drug. We are the drug. There is no other distinction. Stay with an addict and become an addict and watch the people you love around you get hurt. Leave an addict and watch yourself and maybe the other person heal. Don't worry they will find their way without us as we will find our way. This is how you love an addict and this is how you love yourself. Otherwise it is until death do you part- married to addiction.

Good luck and god speed... Sorry for the rant... But I feel vulnerable and need to stay strong right now... Hope it helps... Many Blessings.. B&B
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Old 09-22-2012, 10:20 AM
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well HELLO sister!!

will write more later...life is full and happy and I am "running" out the door

so so so great to hear from you in such a beautiful way. peace
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Old 09-22-2012, 11:16 AM
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I looooove this!
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Old 09-22-2012, 01:41 PM
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thank you so much, blackandblue. the words you write and what they represent in so many ways are inspiring. they hit home...they're what i need to read again and again. sometimes the truth comes like a slap in the face because we want to believe something so contrary to it. acceptance. i'm working hard on this and ironically can't accept that i'm not working fast enough. thank you again for the words of hope.
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Old 09-22-2012, 03:11 PM
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How inspiring and beautiful thank you...
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Old 09-22-2012, 06:37 PM
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Beautiful.....just what I needed to hear. I'm going to re-read this many times over.
I'm struggling with my past, but this post just thrust me into a quiet and peaceful reality.

thank you so much for sharing...wow! love this
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Old 09-22-2012, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post

The risk of going back to that dark place and losing everything again is just not worth it. I went INSANE and everyone around me knew it. Why would I do that again? I have no delusion that he is all better. I have no delusion that our love will make everything okay. I am keenly aware that the only hope for both of us is to move on. That is love. Nothing in active addiction resembles love. It is only getting high. All you have to do is be an innocent bystander and watch what happens in the cycle. They are the drug. We are the drug. There is no other distinction. Stay with an addict and become an addict and watch the people you love around you get hurt. Leave an addict and watch yourself and maybe the other person heal. Don't worry they will find their way without us as we will find our way. This is how you love an addict and this is how you love yourself. Otherwise it is until death do you part- married to addiction.

Good luck and god speed... Sorry for the rant... But I feel vulnerable and need to stay strong right now... Hope it helps... Many Blessings.. B&B
This is a very powerful paragraph
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Old 09-23-2012, 05:14 AM
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Thanks all for replying. I am happy to hear that my sharing can bring hope to others and I have a lot to share and a lot to write. I have found so much hope through the lovely people here on this forum and not sure that I would have had the strength to let go of my ex and move on otherwise. I am even more in admiration of those who are able to just rip off the bandaid and let the healing begin. Myself, I am slow band-aid peeler. One painful tear at a time. After 2 years and many second chances- the band-aid is off. Open wound now to deal with and it's not so bad after all. I can feel again. I am not numb.

Unresolved grief is compounded when we stuff emotions inward, so I am feeling it all the way back to the horrific and tragic death of my dear friend at age 9 and the death of my grandmother at age 16 and when my mother fell victim to alcohol at age 17. I knew pain and death and illness at a young age and I knew addiction at a young age and I knew abuse at a young age. I am not a victim any longer. I did play that card for a while. I realize now that I was in the school of life.

I also knew success in many ways as a child and I wanted to be liked to a fault. I was too smart for my own good. I guarded myself well in relationships as a young woman. I put up an heir of overconfidence that protected me because I could. I was smart, talented, and pretty and quite frankly way to busy, ambitious, independent, and burnt out at a way too young of age. I purposely and unknowingly intimidated people.

Then when I started dating and having relationships in my 20s, I chose men who were unavailable on many different levels (and somewhat who I felt I could control or that I felt I was "smarter than") and I too became unavailable. Turns out I was smarter in ways and they outsmarted me in other ways. I was afraid to be a burden to others and was so competitive. I was a classic ACoA. I wanted to be special and untouchable and was I ever.

I am not trying to be critical of myself. More so, I am aware of why I behaved the way I did and wanting to understand how this thick shell appeared around my heart. I am no longer focusing on how my ex became they way he did or why he did what he did. I believe this is the real coming of age. When our adolescent worlds get shaken to the core and we realize our true self, the self-less self and stop searching for answers externally. The one that has been all dressed up, masked, and kept in a cage was inside all along.

I have very little self-pity anymore which is relieving although my self-esteem could still use some repair. Love is the only way and I have a lot of that. I mean the "Rumi" kind of love. Not the hollywood kind of love that is so addicting but will say I loved the "Notebook" because it is about following your heart and not what others want for you. I know now that there are really good men out there. I do not need a relationship to be happy. I would like to be open to something healthy in the future and know that right now is not the best time. There is true love and there is pure love. True love can be revealed by a special person or people in your life and pure love comes from the light within- or what we have come to call god or whatever your higher power may be.

My ex may try to come back again and I am prepared to handle that now. He has no more back doors into my heart. I admit that I love him still and may always carry love for him as we shared so much together. Honestly I wish I could give him one last embrace and kiss and reassure him and me that we will be okay and that our love for each other will go on if we give each other the freedom to let go, forgive, grow and move on. Such a hard pill to swallow- maybe for him too.

He is not the enemy. We are our own worst enemy actually. Had I been healthy, I would not have been involved in a relationship with him in the first place. He was a very important catalyst in my life. I truly hope he finds his way to recovery and accept that he may not. Soon, very soon- I will stop telling the story of him and start living my own. Our story is over now. It has been an obsession I am ready to let go of. The loss is difficult and painful and I know that if I could turn around and see that closing that one door just opened up so many more. Be not afraid.

“What you seek is seeking you.”
― Rumi
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Old 09-23-2012, 06:51 AM
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I can really relate, I'm not quite where you are yet but hope to be there soon- you've reached some incredible insight. Go you! Xx
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