kewlgurl

My RAH is being released from inpatient residential treatment Saturday. We'll see how well I am doing in my recovery and how I do with my reactions....I'm sure there will be LOTS of DEEP breathing and tongue biting. Will be working hard on trying not to be snarky and it will definitely be a challenge for me. I will continue working on my recovery and try not engage.
Wash...rinse...repeat!
Happy weekend everyone.

JLOBYXMAS

Hi Kewlgurl, my RAH is coming home next Thursday. I'm thrilled and scared all at the same time. Best wishes to you and your hubster.

Hypatia

Oh, please do write about your experiences! I'm hoping to learn from you and others so as to better prepare myself for when my husband comes home.

Sending you lots of strength and much patience!

NYCDoglvr

Good luck! Remember, it's progress not perfection.

kewlgurl

It is definitely a work in progress. RAH drove into town and I was holding my breath waiting for him to get home, I know I can't keep him locked up in the basement (well at least not legally) but hard not to worry about him stopping somewhere along the way. Especially the gas station right as you get into town that has hard alcohol right by the door.....hopefully things go smoothly. More to come.

sesh

In my experience dealing with RAH who just got out of rehab was really hard, but now I can see it was me who was making it hard, as I was always so scared of his next step, and as I was always trying to make sure he has perfect enviroment to stick to his recovery ( which meant I was there for him 24/7, nice as one can possibly be, supportive, oversupportive, informative, little miss fix it all - don't worry about anything - I'll do it all - you just stay away from booze, and I guess I had always in some passive agressive way expected him to do it for me). He relapsed every single time. So every next time I tried even harder.
And the merry go round continued for years, until I got off it.

Last time he got out of rehab ( I had left him months before he even checked in) I was supportive, but I let him stay with his mum. I was supportive, but not ready to bend my boundaries, or my peace of mind. I gave him space to figure it all out on his own. I said all that I mean, but I was never mean. He was left to face the consenquences of our ruined relationship and try to find a way to fix it. He knew how much he had hurt me, I didn't need to remind him of that (constantly or at all). I dind't need a verbal apologies, I needed him to act in a way that can make me think he is someone I wish to learn to trust again.

Turns out he was completely capable of doing all those things on his own. He dind't need me to light the way. They all can do it if they really want to, and if they don't there is nothing you can do to change that.

My point is: you don't need to worry about what you need to do in regard to you RAH, you need to think about what you need to do in regard to yourself. Let him own his recovery. And you should only own yours.

Also, I think what made a huge difference for me was the fact I realized he can not fix the past for me, he can not undo anything he has done before or make it better. realizing that has dismissed my need for him to validate my sufferings, and make his recovery about me.
Your RAH needs time to figure himself out before he can offer anything to you.

I personally believe that is the best to spend at least some time apart when one initially gets out of rehab. I know that is a hard one for many people.

I don't know if any of this helps, I hope it does.

I wish you well

tromboneliness

It's hard. My wife was in treatment for almost 5 months. Came home sober and healthy, but it took me a long time to trust her. She used to drink a lot of water and would leave water bottles all over the house. Here drink of choice had been vodka, so naturally, I had to keep sneaking around and taking a sip from all the water bottles... never found anything but water in them!

I also found that my "auditory breathalyzer," which was so sensitive that I could tell her BAC just from a "Hi!" on the phone, took a long time to turn off. To this day, I occasionally get a flashback when she calls me and is a little tired, so the "Hi!" resembles one from the Bad Old Days.

It's been 16 years, and she's been sober the whole time. It does get better!

Good luck.

T

Titanic

Hysterical, tromboneliness!

Sesh, your post is powerful. Lots to THINK about & CHANGE.

How do my sufferings get validated?

And, do I get free parking with that?

sesh

Yeah, you do.
When you free yourself from those chains you can park pretty much anywhere you like and it is free.

My sufferings were validated by me, and for me that was enough. I don't need my RAH or anyone else to validate it. It won't make it any more real, or less painful. IMHO getting validation from someone else doesn't resolve anything.
To tell you the truth, as strange as it may sound I don't feel much in regard to what I have been through. I don't think about it much either. Because if I did I'd been reliving it over and over again, and why would I want to do that?

It was hell, but it has brough me where I am today. And today is good, I'm much wiser, much deeper, much more centered than I ever was before. It has tought me to love myself and to realize that my life depends solely on me.

I don't want to waste any more of my precious time on feeling hurt by the things that have happened in the past. I think of the past only to learn some more from it.

I guess it comes down to acceptance and forgiving. Accepting that was part of my life, and forgiving myself for not knowing better at the time. But I know better now. I know my choices and I know what I want out of my life.

In the big picture of my life, in order for me to move forward and grow I have to leave past in the past. For me it is as simple as that.

Titanic

Thanks. Inspiring.

kewlgurl

I can understand the waterbottle reference! RAH's drink of choice was whiskey and water. He came in from the garage yesterday with a cup of ice and watered down soda, he handed the cup to me and said "Go ahead and take a drink...I want you to be able to trust me." I did take a taste and was relieved it was indeed watered down soda. I've never made a very good "warden" so I don't plan to become one now!
It's just hard controlling those fears from coming to the surface and they hit me at the weidest times. But I am keeping busy and continuing my routines which do not include babysitting a 53 yr old.

m1k3

Titanic, you don't have to worry, crazytown has free parking 24 / 7.

I don't visit there near as much as I used to but the last time I was there I could stay as long as I wanted to, no charge.

Your friend,

celticgenes

kewlgurl,

My absolute favorite part of your original post was that you referenced YOUR RECOVERY!!!! That's the best part. You can't affect his recovery-only yours. I wonder if you know how healthy you already are?

All the best to you both

BlueSkies1

Most wisdom I have ever seen on this board...I and many others could use to drill this into our heads...if only it were that simple.
Question--How does the bolded above work? How does getting validation from the A not resolve anything?
I think of time spent...can the A in my life apologize for ten years duration non-stop? Because five minutes of heartfelt apology is still only five minutes...I want equality...I need ten years of non-stop apologizing lol !

sesh

Thank you!
For me it is that simple today. But for years it was everything but.
It took a lot of work on myself, changing my perspective on things and re-examining my expectations, and deciding that suffering is not an option in my life any more.

For me validation from an A doesn't resolve anything, as it doesn't really do anything in a practical way - doesn't remove the years of hell, doesn't make it ok, or less painful.
I don't need RAH to validate how I felt. But in order for me to live with him I do need him to applogize, but not with words, but with actions.
Every new day in his recovery that he is trying as hard as he can to be a good father and husband I take as an appology. He doesn't have to say it, we both know what happened in the past, we might have different views on some of those things, but even that doesn't matter for me, as I don't need him to be a better person in the past (he can not do that), I just need him to be a better person today and in the future.

Does that make sense?