Why does he still make me FURIOUS?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Why does he still make me FURIOUS?
Another vent...
I know to expect NOTHING from an active alcoholic living in lala land (thanks hopeworks) so why I am mad with him? Probably because he lets the kids down and they have to pretend it's OK.
He has been gone nearly two weeks. He hasn't managed to spend any time with the kids. On the phone to them he will say "I'll see you during the week" and then spend his free time during the week with his drunken friends.
He tells me "I'll have them on Friday and Saturday night" He tells them " I'll have you over to my place on Saturday night" then last night he tells them "You can come to my place on Sunday night". I asked the kids why he changed from Saturday night to Sunday and they told me that "Dad has some football thing he needs to do on Saturday" - translation Dad has to go and get smashed with his drunken mates while they pretend to be interested in a football final.
He owes me money to pay for half of the kids' recent Karate belt grading. Promised promised promised I'd get the money on Thursday. Now, he is ignoring my repeated texts asking him for the money. Not getting the money won't kill me, I want it back on PRINCIPLE!
He is such a dick.
I know to expect NOTHING from an active alcoholic living in lala land (thanks hopeworks) so why I am mad with him? Probably because he lets the kids down and they have to pretend it's OK.
He has been gone nearly two weeks. He hasn't managed to spend any time with the kids. On the phone to them he will say "I'll see you during the week" and then spend his free time during the week with his drunken friends.
He tells me "I'll have them on Friday and Saturday night" He tells them " I'll have you over to my place on Saturday night" then last night he tells them "You can come to my place on Sunday night". I asked the kids why he changed from Saturday night to Sunday and they told me that "Dad has some football thing he needs to do on Saturday" - translation Dad has to go and get smashed with his drunken mates while they pretend to be interested in a football final.
He owes me money to pay for half of the kids' recent Karate belt grading. Promised promised promised I'd get the money on Thursday. Now, he is ignoring my repeated texts asking him for the money. Not getting the money won't kill me, I want it back on PRINCIPLE!
He is such a dick.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Just trying to repress the anger could be unhealthy for you.
I'd find some way to get it out. Take some furious walks or furiously mop the entire house or get a giant pad of paper and in the biggest scrawl you can manage, scream at him on it for as many pages as it takes.
You don't need to be a saint. Just find some way to rage without hurting yourself or anybody else. But anger is very healthy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The key is not to unload it onto innocent bystanders or onto the alcoholic who will feed on it.
I'd find some way to get it out. Take some furious walks or furiously mop the entire house or get a giant pad of paper and in the biggest scrawl you can manage, scream at him on it for as many pages as it takes.
You don't need to be a saint. Just find some way to rage without hurting yourself or anybody else. But anger is very healthy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The key is not to unload it onto innocent bystanders or onto the alcoholic who will feed on it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Yes, anger can be healthy. Express it and then release it.
Then move on - look at this scenario - you are worked up into a "rage" of anger, it's affecting your heart, you blood pressure, your happiness, your life and where is he . . . ?
Out with friends partying.
What's really healthy and such a challenge I think is feeling anger, getting it off our chest and then going about creatinging a happy day. A happy hour. Just moving that energy aside and finding our own peace.
We can't change anyone but we certainly don't have to volunteer to give them our own life by allowing ourselves to be consumed with torment. I always think that the greatest spiritual growth is to truly experience our happiness while in the midst of an "unhappy" situation. It is doable . . . not easy, but we can get there.
That is a place that no one can ever take from us!
Then move on - look at this scenario - you are worked up into a "rage" of anger, it's affecting your heart, you blood pressure, your happiness, your life and where is he . . . ?
Out with friends partying.
What's really healthy and such a challenge I think is feeling anger, getting it off our chest and then going about creatinging a happy day. A happy hour. Just moving that energy aside and finding our own peace.
We can't change anyone but we certainly don't have to volunteer to give them our own life by allowing ourselves to be consumed with torment. I always think that the greatest spiritual growth is to truly experience our happiness while in the midst of an "unhappy" situation. It is doable . . . not easy, but we can get there.
That is a place that no one can ever take from us!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Separation and divorce do not magically turn absent, alcoholic partners into normal, responsible parents.
I found it best to limit contact with the active alcoholic. I also do not force an active alcoholic parent to spend time with our children. We need the break from the drama. I also found the more time I get to spend with my children ~ the better I like the unparenting parent.
I agree with the other posters that you should find a healthy way to express your anger over the situation. I would put on walking shoes and headphones with some music and pound out my frustration on power walks. I also scream and throw pillows on the bed.
Next, I check myself to see if my expectations have lead to my frustrations. I usually had expectations of how the other person should/should not behave. In those cases, if the outcome was not what I expected ~ I was consumed with resentments. That wasn't healthy for me or my children.
I found it best to limit contact with the active alcoholic. I also do not force an active alcoholic parent to spend time with our children. We need the break from the drama. I also found the more time I get to spend with my children ~ the better I like the unparenting parent.
I agree with the other posters that you should find a healthy way to express your anger over the situation. I would put on walking shoes and headphones with some music and pound out my frustration on power walks. I also scream and throw pillows on the bed.
Next, I check myself to see if my expectations have lead to my frustrations. I usually had expectations of how the other person should/should not behave. In those cases, if the outcome was not what I expected ~ I was consumed with resentments. That wasn't healthy for me or my children.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 111
My dad did this to me and my mom. He wasn't even an alcoholic, just a dick.
Your kids are lucky to have YOU. Continue being your awesome self. Your kids will never forget that you were there 100% always. I know I haven't with my mom.
Your kids are lucky to have YOU. Continue being your awesome self. Your kids will never forget that you were there 100% always. I know I haven't with my mom.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Addict/alkie's messin' with the kids' lives and psyche takes it to a whole 'nother level. It brings the anger that surpasses all understanding!
Feel for you. Take care like the posts above suggest.
Feel for you. Take care like the posts above suggest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Separation and divorce do not magically turn absent, alcoholic partners into normal, responsible parents. .
When he says stuff it always sounds so believable and reasonable and then BAM. Promise broken. He's done it to me hundreds, thousands of times.
When he calls tonight to speak to the kids I'm going to answer and shout or whisper (I haven't decided) SHOW ME THE F@#KING MONEY! and then find the kids to hand the phone to them.
I've a sneaking suspicion he might actually be in another state with a friend, who is sucker not an addict, actually attending the football final courtesy of sucker friend. If not that, then he has hooked back up with his drunken brother and his enabler (they were estranged from us because I can't stand drunken brother's behavior and drunken brother says I was "mean and rude" to him, poor diddums...) and will be drinking and footballing with them and their drunken mates.
Dicks the lot of them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
This is what I usually post to my FB when he is a dick: (warning contains small child attempting to use foul language)
******* - YouTube
******* - YouTube
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I second everything Pelican said and add: In the past I have found that my anger often comes from my unmet Wants and Needs. You already know what you Expect from this guy and he hasn't met those expectations, hence, you made him leave.
Now please turn to yourself and your wants and needs and think of the situation in those terms. Maybe make a list, write it out, get in touch with YOUR self, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. Don't think of it in terms of HIM. If you think of it as "I want AH to do xyz," you've done it wrong. Reword it. So like if you think, "I want AH to be loving and consistent with his children," change it to be 100% about you and what YOU need. Change it to, "I need to feel confident and secure that my children are experiencing love and consistency in their daily lives." Don't examine the kids, don't examine AH, examine ONLY you. What do you need LuLu?
Jeez, thank you so much for posting about your anger. This is exactly what I needed today. You will find me doing his very exercise myself today. Because this morning I woke up hungry, thinking "What is wrong with me that I will go to great lengths to cook for those I love to take care of them but I literally starve myself day after day?" I think your post has given me some answers.
Thanks LuLu (((hugs)))
Now please turn to yourself and your wants and needs and think of the situation in those terms. Maybe make a list, write it out, get in touch with YOUR self, YOUR wants, YOUR needs. Don't think of it in terms of HIM. If you think of it as "I want AH to do xyz," you've done it wrong. Reword it. So like if you think, "I want AH to be loving and consistent with his children," change it to be 100% about you and what YOU need. Change it to, "I need to feel confident and secure that my children are experiencing love and consistency in their daily lives." Don't examine the kids, don't examine AH, examine ONLY you. What do you need LuLu?
Jeez, thank you so much for posting about your anger. This is exactly what I needed today. You will find me doing his very exercise myself today. Because this morning I woke up hungry, thinking "What is wrong with me that I will go to great lengths to cook for those I love to take care of them but I literally starve myself day after day?" I think your post has given me some answers.
Thanks LuLu (((hugs)))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Lulu39
When he says stuff it always sounds so believable and reasonable and then BAM. Promise broken. He's done it to me hundreds, thousands of times.
He has shown you who he is.......believe him.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I so understand your anger--Remember lucy and charlie brown with the football, and Lucy would always pull the football away, and Charlie brown would always believe that this time she was going to let him kick it?
Everytime you put your belief back in him that he will do as he initially said--whether giving you money or picking up the kids on a set date, you are being Charlie Brown, and he is being Lucy pulling that football away from you.
Take back your control by stopping yourself from trusting him. As soon as he says he is going to do something--start thinking to believe it only with a grain of salt. It may or may not ever happen.
You are angry because you continue to put your trust and belief in someone who continues to show you that he will break it.
You set yourself up.
Everytime you put your belief back in him that he will do as he initially said--whether giving you money or picking up the kids on a set date, you are being Charlie Brown, and he is being Lucy pulling that football away from you.
Take back your control by stopping yourself from trusting him. As soon as he says he is going to do something--start thinking to believe it only with a grain of salt. It may or may not ever happen.
You are angry because you continue to put your trust and belief in someone who continues to show you that he will break it.
You set yourself up.
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