learningtofly

I was talking to my RAH about my AF and how he treats my mother. He is a very mean drunk always yelling, belittling and just plain out mean. He was like that to me and my sister growing up as well.

My RAH has been clean from pills for 1 year now. So I was telling him about my fathers behavior and he said "I wonder why he's like that?" so I said "Well he's an alcoholic that’s pretty par for the coarse"

I was confused by his question. He has been in NA on a weekly basis for an entire year and he asks "I wonder why he's like that" I don't know how to even take that!

What do you think? I wasn't even sure of what to say. What would you have said?

MamaKit

Learningtofly,
Is your RAH mean when he is using? If not, maybe his question is genuine curiosity. Maybe he can't relate to being mean.
I have always blamed my A's mean streak on the alcohol. I know it can excacerbate it but I've read a lot about how it doesn't really cause it. Also,
I've certainly read posts on here about A spouses who are not mean and cruel.

On the other hand if your RAH was mean when he was using, then I would be pretty baffled by his question.

MamaKit

learningtofly

mamakit

He was mean sometimes when he would get drunk but nothing like my father.

Since I have educated myself with addiction and hearing and reading all of the stories it is really not hard for me to believe any weird, crazy or bizarre behavior coming from an addict in active addiction. I guess that’s why his question surprised me.

I was talking to him a couple weeks ago and he said he didn't like to blame his addiction for his bad behavior. He said he feels like it is a cop out. I'm just not even sure how to respond to this. It seems crazy to me!

Hypatia

Why would being nasty and abusive be pretty par for the course? Do all husbands beat their wives? No, and neither do all alcoholic husbands. Do all husbands cheat on their wives? No, and neither do all alcoholic husbands.

But some husbands beat their wives and cheat on them regardless of whether or not they are drinking. And the flip side is also true. Some husbands never beat their wives and never cheat on them, regardless of whether or not they are drinking.

MamaKit

Just today on another thread it was brought to my attention about my denial of my A's mean behavior. I have always wanted to blame the alcohol, because how could he be so mean to me....he was supposed to love me.?!!
He had long periods of sobriety in our marriage and looking back, he was always mean. Just scarier when drunk.

Titanic

Maybe he's trying to feel you out, test the waters for his own Step 9 amends purposes? For Step 4-8 purposes?

Maybe he's still trying to deny having been mean to you and is bouncing it off the wall to see if denial will stick?

Maybe he lost so many memories or told so many lies that he has little compass bearing about that?

Maybe it's only his way of trying to show empathy?

Maybe he was just wondering what inner demons led to your AF's addiction in the first place?

To RAH: "Why did you ask that, honey?"

laurie6781

Actually that is pretty damn good insight your RAH has there.

It was true for me also, as i worked the steps and started to learn about ME, I could not blame the alcohol and drugs for my behavior. The behavior was there before the alcohol and drugs, just waiting for my inhibitions to be removed. Once they were removed by the alcohol and drugs, I became a mean vicious nasty person that would walk right through you if need be to get to what I wanted at the moment.

I had to peel the onion (me) to find out where those behaviors and bad actions came from.

Being an RA for many years now I immediately understood your RAH's question, he was wondering what the underlying cause was.

J M H O

Love and hugs,