emeraldsea

So my AbF is in a residential tramsitional home, has just over 60 days sober, and is now trying to reintegrate me into his life.

An issue of communciation has arisen. This was present in his drinking days, and I've seen him do it with friends and family too.

Last night, he came to our apartment and cooked a lovely dinner. We kissed and talked and cuddled. We discussed the week ahead and when we could see each other. He had an 8pm AA meeting to go to Wednesday/tnight. We talked about how I would also be free in the afternoon and so it would work out well because we we could spend time together before his meeting. Or else we wouldnt see each other until Friday. So it seemed settled.

Until...then 4pm today rolls around. I heard nothing of his plans yet all day. At this point have finished my seminar and activiites for the day. No contact. I called and left a message asking to know if he still wants to meet up. I sent a text with the same question. This was at 3:50pm.

Now I am home, because I realized I wouldnt get a response and just went home. It is now 9:15. I have had no response. It is been over 5 hours!! This is from someone who was so upset because I said that I wasnt sure I would get what I need out of this relationship.

Now I feel like I am waiting by the phone for the inevitable apology call about how he got so tied up in rehab/doctor/meetings that he couldnt even text to let me know that he couldnt make it.

I feel like a fool. I would say I am overreacting except the same thing happened last week when I expected him to follow through and even when we were dating in the beginning. The times, like last night, when he follows through amazingly, keep me thinking that its possible and that's what he wants.

Right now I feel very alone and cheated and foolish. I just want to cry.

marie1960

ok, other than cry, ( which I so understand) what do you want to do now?

I would turn the focus to myself, and work on securing my OWN future. He is not able to be in a relationship at this time. He is an addict. You cannot be carrying around all his excess baggage without damage to your own well being.

Sometimes we just have to let go and let life show itself.
Please know, you are not alone.

Titanic

Give both of yourselves time to recover FIRST, with your respective programs. This is not the time for relationship fixing or counseling. This is very early in recovery.

Peace.

emeraldsea

OK, but as I wrote earlier, what does "giving it time" mean? We should completely break up? I should move out? Just take a mental breather or lower my expectations of him?

I really really don't know.

Tuffgirl

This above, instead of an or...make it an "and". And relax. It isn't about you at all. He is is the midst of some pretty major sh!t. You can relax and roll with it all, or take it all personally and be upset all the time. Your choice.

P.S. Early in my exAH's recovery, he made plans to meet with me after our AA/Al-Anon meetings. His sponsor grabbed him right after and he ended up talking for 45 minutes. Did I wait around? Heck no. I went home. I did text him, got no answer, and proceeded on with my own evening. He called later, very apologetic, explained what happened, and it dawned on me...he doesn't know how to extract himself from situations like these. I can either be mad about it, or let it go and get a good night's sleep. I chose the latter.

emeraldsea

Thanks. So for tonight..its over. He will not see me or even talk to me tonight, at this point, clearly. Don't know if he cares or realizes that he hurt me. Given my straightforward text at 3:45 asking what his plans are and knowing him, I imagine that he does register the slight. So no response thus far. Not impressive.

But...I so want to retaliate for leaving me hanging tonight. We had clear plans to spend the weekend together--on his first weekend pass from the sober residence. But those plans were not any clearer than the plans he made with me last night to see me tonight, which he blew off. As of tonight, he didnt give me any warning of what was happening, that we wouldnt see each other despite our plans to see each other.

So my instinct is get to on the train on Friday and leave for my hometown. I am angry and hurt and not thinking clearly.

I anticipated falling asleep after spending the evening together. Now it is silence and humiliation.

suki44883

If you want to leave on a train to your hometown on Friday, then do it. But, don't just do it for retaliation. Do it because you truly want to go home. Otherwise, you won't enjoy yourself while you're gone.

Don't play the game. You did this, so I'm going to do that. Then, he'll do this because you did that. It is never-ending. If you want to stay in this relationship, you are going to have to accept that he does things like this. If it's something you don't want to live with, then plan accordingly. You aren't going to change him.

emeraldsea

Suki, no you're right. I wont actually play that game. I dont believe in retaliatory gestures either as a matter or principle or practice. I wrote that last night out of hurt and anger and feeling totally alone and helpless. I wont act on the impulse to retaliate.

I realized I was going to a bad place last night, so I just went to bed and read my new Melody Beattie daily meditations until I fell asleep. Couldnt sleep well.

Now its the next morning. Of course, couldnt help but check my phone first thing. No message came overnight. I start to feel sick, but push it away.

Instead, I got dressed and went for a lovely run/walk around the reservoir. One of my healthy new coping mechanisms I am experimenting with. And such a beautiful fall day.

Just a few seconds ago, I just got a text, not a call:

"Hello Emerald, I've been in a big funk since midday yesterday. I'm very sorry for not calling. I'm tied up through the afternoon. I will try you later this evening. ABF"

If I step back from my rage and hurt at being ditched and ignored by him yesterday, this episode reminds me of times when I was extremely catatonically depressed. Friends would call and then get insulted because I didn't call them. I remember trying to explain that it had NOTHING to do with them, that my own pain was just so great inside that I just couldn't reach out at that moment. They usually didn't really understand that, but they would take me back when I was up to returning to social life.

But the current situation is a bit different than with friends. ABF is trying to convince me that he is up to being in a mature relationship, let alone working to rebuild a relationship damaged by alcoholism. You do not disappear for a day when you have plans in a mature relationship.

Disappearing behavior like this erodes my hope that this can be a good situation for me. Especially since we just had a serious talk about the importance of at least being in touch.

So trying to get my day going and push all this aside. But I am supposed to be writing this morning. These are mornings when I wish that I had some mindless tasks that I also urgently need to get done. Instead, I am starting at the computer screen. I may need to abandon the writing and try something that also needs doing like emails or bills. Writing takes too much concentration, that I just dont have right now.

Just have to make it to lunch, when I am meeting a good friend.

I just feel so bone tired of the hope/disappointment cycle.

Titanic

Congratulations on going 'round the reervoir! Exercise outdoors does miracles. I also know the feeling of paralysis, of not having the energy to do bills and such, let alone writing coherently. I often count the minutes until I am to meet a friend or get to an Al-Anon meeting!

A tip I would like to share. Reconsider your thinking anytime you use the word "but."

Many friends told you about your own failure to connect or return calls. What did it take for you to stop apologizing and telling them you would connect and call, and you to ACTUALLY connect and call? You had to go from words to action. That isn't easy!

Apply the same measure to him. He's in VERY EARLY recovery, and SOBRIETY is his priority. Catering to others (including you) is not. In true recovery, his energies and thoughts ARE and MUST BE on recovery and taking care of himself. This is why even MARITAL counseling before or during rehab, or during the first year of sober recovery is contra-indicated. If he were focused on you and rebuilding things right now, that would be a red flag for his recovery. Do you want that?

He has not only the obstacle of turning words into action but the more critical obstacle of recovery to climb.

Easy does it. Give it time. Take care of YOU like you plan to do without COUNTING ON or EXPECTING THINGS of him. Decide what's best for YOU and YOUR recovery (other than getting to Al-Anon meetings asap).

NYCDoglvr

One of my favorite sayings: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Recovery is a life long process and he is in early recovery (under a year). But it comes down to how much disrespect are you willing to put up with? Alanon will help you learn to set boundaries, which we codependents must learn. I recommend it.

emeraldsea

Thanks for your messages. First, yes, I am going to Alanon. It's great. Still, honestly, I sometimes get frustrated with the ubiquity of the advice here to go to Alanon as if that's the end of the story. I come here for something other than advice to go to Alanon. Meetings don't happen all the time and even if they did, this is an alternative place I am reaching out to for support. I see meetings and SR as complementary, not a replacement for each other.

That rant aside, my central confusion after reading the notes and mulling them over today is the following:

On the one hand, his behavior regarding the phone is disrespectful--so I shouldn't tolerate that. I should set boundaries. (How in this case? Boundaries usually take the form of, "If you X, then I Y. I.e., if we make plans and you don't follow through/call me back, then I will....what? repeat that it is disrespectful and hurtful? break up with you? move out? I honestly don't know what to do.)

On the other hand, as Titanic points out, his behavior also a classic feature of early sobriety--this is the time when he needs to be selfish and I should be understanding of that. I can't expect him to think of me first. He has to think of himself first. OK, so then I stop having expectations of him and his treatment of me? I feel like I am missing something.

It seems like as long as we both want to be, and are in a relationship with each other, there are certain basic aspects of respect that need to be followed. Like not disappearing. If that is not possible, because he is too consumed with sobriety, we don't have much of a foundation of a relationship to rebuild. (I say this but of course there are soooo many times when he shows utmost respect and caring for me. I am focusing on the bad because I am hurt now).

OK, so if I frame his disappearing act of yesterday in my mind as an early sobriety issue...how should that change my response when we do talk about it? Do I just listen empathetically when he tells me about whatever it was that happened yesterday to put him into the bad mood? Or do i listen and then say that I am sorry he had a bad day, but nevertheless if we are to be in a relationship he still needs to fill me in on what's going on so I can plan my life? Both?

Basically I am really at a loss about how to communicate with him right now. I don't know the ground rules or what is fair to expect.

I want to balance having boundaries with compassion. Because I truly do respect the enormity of the struggle he is going through, but I also need to respect myself and my time and feelings.

Seren

I suppose if it were me, the next time we spoke, I would simply say: "I'm sorry you were in a funk, and understand that sometimes you may not feel up to doing something together. Next time, please simply call me and let me know that you would like to reschedule for another time. That way, I can make plans to do something else."

I suppose the question to ask yourself is whether or not that would be something you could accept.

Hypatia

OK, here are my thoughts. Perhaps they may be helpful.

He's been sober for ONLY 60 days and you two are already trying to focus on your relationship? Heck, he has just started getting over his "relationship" with alcohol. Consider him as being on the rebound.

Here's another way of looking at the situation. He had an intense love affair with alcohol. It is now ended. Only time will tell whether it is a permanent or temporary breakup. At the moment, however, it is inevitable that he's going through a sort of "grieving" process.

There is a good reason why back in the old days, when a person lost their partner they went into mourning and wore black and were strongly discouraged by society as a whole from starting up new relationships for a whole year. It gave them a chance to get over all the strong emotions, recover, and regain their sense of self as an individual. The black clothes were a warning to others that the people were dealing with an intense emotional period in their lives and weren't ready for any new, more intimate relationships.

Your boyfriend is now learning to live as an individual without alcohol. It will take a lot longer than 60 days for him to rediscover how to live as a sober person and look at reality straight in the eye without the numbing effect of alcohol. He can no longer run away and hide in a bottle, but that instilled habit of running away from real life is still there and will take time and a lot of work to change.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you are joined at the hip. It isn't the disappearing that is the problem, but the lack of warning. Consider that my husband would "disappear" about half of the year for various business trips lasting anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months. Because he always told me ahead of time, I knew when he was disappearing and why, and could adapt.

Sometime a trip would come up at the last minute and we'd have to cancel plans. Although aggravating, I learned to deal with it even if it meant having to go alone to a planned concert or party. I even learned to accept that we couldn't always be together on birthdays or wedding anniversaries or other special days. It wasn't that he loved his work more than me, but that the work he did paid our bills and was important to both of us.

The work your partner is currently doing is just as important and needs to take priority over everything else.

Here's yet another perspective:

There is nothing wrong with a partner saying "Today is a rotten day and I'm feeling lousy and would prefer to just go see a doctor and then spend the rest of the day in bed." We would accept that. Some of us might feel the urge to make a large pot of chicken soup and go over, but that is not always welcomed even by a non-alcoholic partner who just wants to be left alone.

For the recovering alcoholic, a similar statement would sound like: "Today is a rotten day and I'm feeling lousy and would prefer to just go see a counsellor or attend an AA group and then spend the rest of the day alone or talking to another recovering alcoholic who better understands what I'm going through and can give me the support I need right now." We should be able to accept that. But is doesn't quite sound the same as someone suffering from a bad cold or flu to either the partner or the recovering alcoholic. Plus, many people are afraid to be so honest with their friends and partners for fear of how the other person will react. If taken personally then the partner could feel rejected and become hurt and angry.

Fear of confrontation can easily lead to someone just not saying anything and simply disappearing. The only way to combat that is to try and get the person to understand that they are allowed to take a "time out" and disappear but a little warning would be highly appreciated. The key is to make sure that the person understands that it won't be taken personally, and no emotional drama will result.

Don't take it personally. This isn't about you!

There is nothing fair about the situation. And right now he is incapable of being fair. Let's look at it from yet another different perspective. Consider a university student preparing his thesis in anticipation of having to defend it. I've gone through this with a previous boyfriend. For almost a year he was pretty much unavailable to me. He was absolutely consumed with finishing off his degree. I didn't like it, but I understood that for the next year he was rightfully preoccupied with something that I played no part or role and couldn't help him with it. We ended up agreeing to put our relationship on hold for the duration. I didn't feel like dating other guys but I did go out with friends and made most of my plans without him.

Occasionally he would find time to join me. But even then he'd sometimes get caught up in his writing or research and lose track of time and not show up. He'd apologize afterwards but I understood that I wasn't a priority in his life at that time. So I changed how we set up our "dates". For example, I would tell him that I want to see a movie and if he was interested then we'd talk about a day and time that likely suited us both. Then I'd go and see the movie with no expectations that he'd come. If he showed up then great! And if he didn't show up then I still got to see a movie I wanted to see.

I've used the same thinking in dealing with my husband's many business trips. If we were invited to a birthday party or some other celebration, then the hostess would know ahead of time that I might end up coming alone and it wasn't a problem. And if I got tickets in advance to the theatre then I'd end up asking my best friend if she was interested in being on standby in case my husband got called away last minute. She and I ended up doing quite a lot of things together, but sometimes I'd just end up going alone and that was okay since I knew it might happen at the time of ordering the tickets.

Some folks cannot live with such uncertainty. Only you can decide how flexible you wish to be, and whether you want to spend a lot of time being on your own for the six months or year or however long it takes for your partner to get a better handle on his life. Some people I've met cannot understand how I could be in a marriage with a husband who was only around for half the year. Yet many marriages deal successfully with such arrangements.

But you two aren't married and haven't made such a strong moral and legal commitment to each other. As a result, your decision to stay or go is a little less complicated. There are no children, and no legalities of divorce to be considered. Just the simple choice of whether to stay and put up with all the uncertainty, or go.

Think about whether you could be happy spending the next year or so giving him the space he needs to rediscover himself. Also consider that it is a process of reinvention, and he may be quite a different person once he is done and ready for a more normal relationship. But that is a risk we all take whenever we commit to spending our lives with a single individual. All people change over time.

JenT1968

a boundary that might work is: I won't make any plans with you ahead of time for X months.

you therefore go aboput your life filling it with fun stuff that you want to do with your friends and paying no heeed to when/whether you will see him. If you haev a free moment and want to see him you ring up and say "are you free to get together for a couple of hours NOW and do X/Y/Z, he says yes or no. Conversely if he wants to see you he egts to ring up and do the same, and if you are free and want to see him say yes. no leaving messages and waiting for them.

There is no point in making plans with him if you are going to be disappointed when he doesn't follow through, as it seems he doesn't want to/can't follow through. Boundaries are to protect us, not to change other people's behaviour.

This might feel completely tiresome and not what you want out of a relationship, and there are decisions you can make about that - but as a starter?

Hopeworks

Hypatia gave you great advice and an excellent viewpoint on how she handles her life's uncertainties and makes it work for her with minimal stress.

Active alcoholics are emotionally unavailable and notorious for being unreliable and our greatest hope is that once the drinking is interrupted by sobriety all the undesirable behaviors we attributed to alcohol will disappear and our "Prince Charming" fantasy mate will appear instantly.

What I discovered about my XA during his MANY relapse binges, detoxes, rehabs, recoveries that I lived over and over is that with our without alcohol in the picture there were personality traits, bad habits and yes, rudeness and thoughtlessness that had become hardwired from years of it being "automatic pilot" as a drunk.

In the next year of what hopefully becomes the start of a lifetime of authentic recovery and growth for you RA you are going to find out WHO he really is and you will find out because he will SHOW you with his actions.

He just SHOWED you that when HE WANTS to be charming, sweet, snuggly he can whisper all kinds of things that make you feel great about the future one moment and then completely drop the ball by standing you up!

Felt like the old days didn't it?

Recovery is like constantly threading a needle with a small hole for the alcoholic as it is a way of life that is not "comfortable" and requires constant work in changing how they think to a whole new way of trying to view and live life.

What will your RA be in a year, 5 years, 10 years? If he wasn't alcoholic and was a normie you might have a pretty good idea. Statistically he will most likely relapse but even if he does not what kind of person will he be? Will he stick with authentic recovery and really, really change.

You can't know. He doesn't know. So... read what Hypatia wrote again and think about how you can create your own life and continue to be detached with love and have a plan A, B and even C.

If it falls apart and it MIGHT... you could be prepared and stay on track. If it stays on track you could be prepared.

If your man is so rude that he couldn't type out I can't make... (about 10 seconds of his time) then I would no longer make time for him unless he confirms dates by text prior to the event. If he fails to do so I simply would not be there.

We "train" people to treat us badly by accepting their bad behavior. If you wish to see him again and NOT go through the emotional upset of being treated badly you could tell him that he is not trustworthy with your time and your emotions at this early stage and you won't be trusting him until he earns that back.

Be nice... but firm. You are valuable. Your are worthy of respect. I promise you he wouldn't get away with that with his sponsor! Recovery is ABOUT treating others well instead of trashing them and their emotions!

Boundary setting now is an important part of taking care of you.

Keep us posted and please work on doing a LOT of fun things and building a great life for YOU... the person you are looking for is YOU.

Learn2Live

When you have to spend so much time, energy, and emotion trying to figure out what the hell is going on, why your partner is acting the way he is, how you feel about his behavior, why you feel that way, what other people think you should feel, how you're going to react, how other people think you should react, how much peace and serenity do you have in your life?

I have found it to be a near-fatal error several times in my life, to attribute MY feelings, MY attitudes, and MY reasoning, to ANOTHER PERSON's behavior. I've also found it harmful to myself in the long run to accept what a practiced alcoholic or addict says to me at face value. Just look at the inconsistencies between what this man has said and what he has actually done in the past and you will see what I mean.

I honestly can't believe youbhave gotten re-involved with him since coming back to the states Emerald.

emeraldsea

Thanks again all. I am feeling pretty depressed right now, so I will just say thanks and will write more later.

BlueSkies1

This makes me angry. It's not really about recovery. There are alcoholics that still uphold their committments. This is simply a rude inconsiderate move, alcoholic or not.
Giving alcoholics "outs" for bad behavior is not the camp I'm in.
He has shown you that you are not a priority.
For the next year, or however long it takes, while he is working on himself, do the same for you.
Don't make him a priority.
This is like a game of who's important when. Letting people, alcoholic or not, get away with blowing off committments and then making excuses for them "he's an alcoholic" kind of makes me sick. It's a new form of enabling. Poor poor alcoholic...can't return phone calls. Ick.
I would look at him and ask him--So, is your life more important than mine? Yeah, that's assertive! He of course will say no (even though to him his life is more important obviously). Then I would say--Then don't blow me off without letting me know you are cancelling, because that is rude. Simply send a text or call and tell me you are not going to be available afterall, and don't waste my time so that I am sitting around waiting for you. Simply have the consideration next time to call and cancel.
He needs that forceful reminder that life isn't all about him, recovering alcoholic or not.

Tuffgirl

Emeraldsea, you are trying to have a grown-up, rational, and reasonable relationship with someone is not capable of giving it to you. He may be capable later on, but right now, 2 months into sobriety, I imagine he is holding on for dear life most days. Don't hesitate to go to open AA meetings. Read in the alcoholics forum. For most, this is the single most difficult thing they do in their entire lives.

If you want to have a relationship at all, you'll need to drop all expectations right now. Just take what comes when it does, and leave the rest. This isn't about you at all.

Hypatia

Yes, the anger in you is very strong at the moment.

With all that anger, it is understandable that you aren't in the compassion camp, either.

Err... anyone who has done a little reading should know that someone working on a 60-day old recovery from alcoholism has only one priority: recovery.

Naw, I'm not reading any expectations there, am I? Expectations of "normal" behaviour and "normal" manners and "normal" consideration for others?

A recovering alcoholic isn't going to behave "normally, is still working on reacquiring "normal" manners - assuming he had any in the first place, and will be mainly considering how to stay sober - assuming he's honest about working on his recovery.

So why get all confrontational when we already know all this? If it bothers someone that much, then just put the relationship on hold or even just break up and stop getting all upset and stressed up over something you can't control.

Stop trying to control the recovery.