Update - long -- mainly venting
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Update - long -- mainly venting
Thanks for listening and letting me vent. I guess I just wanted some honest opinions of what I sound like right now. Some background--I'm a child of addict/alcoholic parents, and so I have codependency issues.
My RABF is in recovery from pain pills. He has been in recovery for over 2 years. He was doing well for awhile, but has had rough days after being tempted by pain pills after dental surgery. He even admitted to unsuccessfully trying to get pain pills from urgent care. He had lapsed a bit from his recovery program, and has a new psych doctor and is back on his recovery plan. His new doc has him back on Suboxone. I don't like the ups and downs that he has in Suboxone therapy. He has upped his psych appointment to try to get a handle on the situation.
As for me? I've been re-reading Cynical One's blog postings and re-reading Codependent No More. I'm meditating, too. Sometimes, I get really obsessed with his Suboxone use or his treatment/recovery. When I get like that, I try to read, meditate, etc., to get my mind off of it.
My priorities are my own mental/physical health and school. I have to remember to take care of myself--sometimes I forget, or get distracted. I'm frustrated that RABF is still struggling, but I guess it was wrong if me to think that things would somehow get easier after he had clean time. It makes me realize even more the impact of drug addiction.
The other night, I was complaining of his behavior, and he asked me if this was really what I wanted. I guess he was kind if saying that I need to lay off of him, and if I can't accept his problems, than I need to move on. We've been together for 15 years, and I still enjoy the relationship--most of the time.
I am most annoyed with his mood changes. He claims he's working with his doc with that. It is hard to be in a house with unpredictable moods. I also think I'm worried that he is going to have problems with his job, get back on pain pills, lose money, etc. I think I am too focused on worrying about what will happen to him. He is the main money earner right now because of my schooling. I will be more financially independent in a year or more.
His children are grown, and out if the house, so there are no kids involved.
My RABF is in recovery from pain pills. He has been in recovery for over 2 years. He was doing well for awhile, but has had rough days after being tempted by pain pills after dental surgery. He even admitted to unsuccessfully trying to get pain pills from urgent care. He had lapsed a bit from his recovery program, and has a new psych doctor and is back on his recovery plan. His new doc has him back on Suboxone. I don't like the ups and downs that he has in Suboxone therapy. He has upped his psych appointment to try to get a handle on the situation.
As for me? I've been re-reading Cynical One's blog postings and re-reading Codependent No More. I'm meditating, too. Sometimes, I get really obsessed with his Suboxone use or his treatment/recovery. When I get like that, I try to read, meditate, etc., to get my mind off of it.
My priorities are my own mental/physical health and school. I have to remember to take care of myself--sometimes I forget, or get distracted. I'm frustrated that RABF is still struggling, but I guess it was wrong if me to think that things would somehow get easier after he had clean time. It makes me realize even more the impact of drug addiction.
The other night, I was complaining of his behavior, and he asked me if this was really what I wanted. I guess he was kind if saying that I need to lay off of him, and if I can't accept his problems, than I need to move on. We've been together for 15 years, and I still enjoy the relationship--most of the time.
I am most annoyed with his mood changes. He claims he's working with his doc with that. It is hard to be in a house with unpredictable moods. I also think I'm worried that he is going to have problems with his job, get back on pain pills, lose money, etc. I think I am too focused on worrying about what will happen to him. He is the main money earner right now because of my schooling. I will be more financially independent in a year or more.
His children are grown, and out if the house, so there are no kids involved.
Last edited by bluebelle; 09-18-2012 at 04:03 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Bluebelle - so sorry you're going through this. It's exhausting. I've been there. I can't tell you how many hours I spent researching suboxone, then researching signs of suboxone when I saw the pinpoint pupils again. In the end, I accomplished nothing other than gaining knowledge of a subject that I didn't know anything about. Even in recovery, there's nothing we can do other than work on ourself. The only good thing I did during this time was continue to go to therapy for myself. I find that the most positive results for me is when I focus on myself and what I can have an impact on - ME. Their behaviors and mood swings are emotionally devastating. We can't change them. But we can change ourselves and our own emotional growth. You'll find your way on your time - remember to keep the focus on you and what keeps you healthy.
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Thank you. It helps to know that someone else has seen the mood swings with Suboxone. I find it to be really annoying. I am trying to not look in his pupils, but I see the other side effects without even trying to look. I'm glad to hear that working on you helps! I have to find a new counselor, but keep putting it off. My old one quit. I have referrals, but haven't made any calls. I guess I want RABF to do the things I'm not doing for myself. I guess I hate having to find someone new.
Originally Posted by supportforme 
Bluebelle - so sorry you're going through this. It's exhausting. I've been there. I can't tell you how many hours I spent researching suboxone, then researching signs of suboxone when I saw the pinpoint pupils again. In the end, I accomplished nothing other than gaining knowledge of a subject that I didn't know anything about. Even in recovery, there's nothing we can do other than work on ourself. The only good thing I did during this time was continue to go to therapy for myself. I find that the most positive results for me is when I focus on myself and what I can have an impact on - ME. Their behaviors and mood swings are emotionally devastating. We can't change them. But we can change ourselves and our own emotional growth. You'll find your way on your time - remember to keep the focus on you and what keeps you healthy.
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15 years is a long time, and I'm sorry the relationship has become so hard for you.
For myself, I would not be able to be with a recovering addict who was not working a daily spiritual program and being of service to other addicts. The disease of addiction creates such self-centeredness and resentment, and without a deep and ongoing spiritual transformation that lasts a lifetime, I believe an addict will either relapse or will become a hard and bitter individual.
I do not know anyone on Suboxone, but my understanding is that it is to be a temporary bridge for the opiate addict and will be tapered down and eventually stopped.
I do strongly feel that medication and therapy are useful but I continue to believe that without a rebuilding of the spiritual life and constant connection to a recovering community, an addict will be prone to the darker moods and the blaming of everyone outside himself for his severe discontent. And generally the person who most suffers is the person he lives with.
I will just add that if someone is in active addiction or in a cycle toward relapse, then addiction will be in complete control of his ego, his choices, his behaviors and his thinking. And if someone wants to keep that addict in her life, she will have to agree never to stand between him and the drug of choice. Otherwise, one way or another, he will be rid of her.
I hope you continue to reach for meaningful activities and studies and people who contribute to you in a way that builds you up, bluebelle. Good luck with your difficult choices ahead.
For myself, I would not be able to be with a recovering addict who was not working a daily spiritual program and being of service to other addicts. The disease of addiction creates such self-centeredness and resentment, and without a deep and ongoing spiritual transformation that lasts a lifetime, I believe an addict will either relapse or will become a hard and bitter individual.
I do not know anyone on Suboxone, but my understanding is that it is to be a temporary bridge for the opiate addict and will be tapered down and eventually stopped.
I do strongly feel that medication and therapy are useful but I continue to believe that without a rebuilding of the spiritual life and constant connection to a recovering community, an addict will be prone to the darker moods and the blaming of everyone outside himself for his severe discontent. And generally the person who most suffers is the person he lives with.
I will just add that if someone is in active addiction or in a cycle toward relapse, then addiction will be in complete control of his ego, his choices, his behaviors and his thinking. And if someone wants to keep that addict in her life, she will have to agree never to stand between him and the drug of choice. Otherwise, one way or another, he will be rid of her.
I hope you continue to reach for meaningful activities and studies and people who contribute to you in a way that builds you up, bluebelle. Good luck with your difficult choices ahead.
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Bluebell…
What is it about his sub use that bugs you, because this seems to be an ongoing issue for you???
You know there is a lot of chatter here about time, how they need a year to just start feeling ok …News flash we need just as much time, we aren’t going to be all well and fine now just because of them. Hell nothing is because of them to begin with…
Maybe it is time to stop focusing on what he is doing and start focusing on what you need in this life. If you do not like the mood swings and the process for him causes a reaction within you … maybe it is time to move on … maybe it is time to find out why for you, not him.
Give yourself your time, you deserve it.
What is it about his sub use that bugs you, because this seems to be an ongoing issue for you???
You know there is a lot of chatter here about time, how they need a year to just start feeling ok …News flash we need just as much time, we aren’t going to be all well and fine now just because of them. Hell nothing is because of them to begin with…
Maybe it is time to stop focusing on what he is doing and start focusing on what you need in this life. If you do not like the mood swings and the process for him causes a reaction within you … maybe it is time to move on … maybe it is time to find out why for you, not him.
Give yourself your time, you deserve it.
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From The Doctor's Opinion in the BB:
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."
The addict must experience an ENTIRE psychic change! And who will that person be, or be with us? Who do YOU want to be with? What do YOU want from life?
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery."
The addict must experience an ENTIRE psychic change! And who will that person be, or be with us? Who do YOU want to be with? What do YOU want from life?
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Originally Posted by bluebelle
The other night, I was complaining of his behavior, and he asked me if this was really what I wanted. I guess he was kind if saying that I need to lay off of him, and if I can't accept his problems, than I need to move on.
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