I didn't bail him out
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I didn't bail him out
A couple days ago my life changed forever. My AB (maybe ex now I haven't decided) got arrested the other night after bringing someone to the emergency room for an overdose. He was arrested with possession of heroin, having needles, and resisting arrest. Obv I was the one that got the call to bail him out and because of some miracles I was not able to bail him out at 4 am and once I calmed down and talked to family on the phone I decided NOT to bail him out.
I know bailing him right out will not be doing him any good. It will not help him to realize that consequences of his actions and it will show him that no matter what he does I am just right there behind him. I am a law student and I come home from classes to this. I myself am a recovering addict so it is hard for me not to want to help him. All I can think about is all the times I did stupid things along with him I just didn't get caught.
This sight has given me so much strength and has made realize that along with being a recovering addict I am an enabler. I gave him a place to stay for free I paid the bills I bought the food and all I asked was for him to get a job, ANY JOB and instead he spent my money on drugs.
I know I am doing the right thing but it really doesn't feel like it. I feel like I abandoned him and left him in jail. I can't stop crying I want to go there and get him out. I'm so mad and yet so hurt and upset. We moved 10 hours away to get away from temptation and he has sought out new people and things have gone from a fresh beginning to jail time. I know that the people on this site understand even if my post seems back and forth. I'm trying so hard to hold it together when every fiber in my body is screaming and pulling me in different directions.
Any support, advice, anything you have to offer would be so helpful,
* Maylie
I know bailing him right out will not be doing him any good. It will not help him to realize that consequences of his actions and it will show him that no matter what he does I am just right there behind him. I am a law student and I come home from classes to this. I myself am a recovering addict so it is hard for me not to want to help him. All I can think about is all the times I did stupid things along with him I just didn't get caught.
This sight has given me so much strength and has made realize that along with being a recovering addict I am an enabler. I gave him a place to stay for free I paid the bills I bought the food and all I asked was for him to get a job, ANY JOB and instead he spent my money on drugs.
I know I am doing the right thing but it really doesn't feel like it. I feel like I abandoned him and left him in jail. I can't stop crying I want to go there and get him out. I'm so mad and yet so hurt and upset. We moved 10 hours away to get away from temptation and he has sought out new people and things have gone from a fresh beginning to jail time. I know that the people on this site understand even if my post seems back and forth. I'm trying so hard to hold it together when every fiber in my body is screaming and pulling me in different directions.
Any support, advice, anything you have to offer would be so helpful,
* Maylie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You did the right thing, now don't back down. He will never ever get better if you and others keep enabling him and do not allow him to experience the negative consequences of his actions. He is an adult, allow him to emotionally become one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Maylie, I think you are doing the best thing you can for your AB, which is let him feel the consequences. My son is in jail right now facing his consequences for using heroin. There is no lesson I can teach him that will stick except, you must face the penalty for the decisions you made which put you in this situation in the first place.
Your AB will now get a chance to detox while he is in jail and hopefully he realizes what the bottom looks like.
Everyone here will agree that when we try to "help" our addicts, we are really delaying the ability for them to hit the low they should hit in order to have a chance at real recovery.
I hope you can ease your mind, being in jail is not the end of the world.
Your AB will now get a chance to detox while he is in jail and hopefully he realizes what the bottom looks like.
Everyone here will agree that when we try to "help" our addicts, we are really delaying the ability for them to hit the low they should hit in order to have a chance at real recovery.
I hope you can ease your mind, being in jail is not the end of the world.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Thank you both so much. I have read a lot of posts on this sight and I know I am doing the right thing. I am trying to use this time to work on ME and to look at my life and see if I am happy with what has been going on and if not what I want to do about it.
It means alot to me that both of you answered and my mom has told me just as you both have that he is an adult and needs to learn from this and understand there are consequences. It just really helps to be reminded and here from others that are in this situation that I am doing the right thing.
I hope both of you have a great day I thought about for once going out and just doing whatever I felt like doing now that he isn't sitting next to me complaining or pouting that he wants drugs.
hugs
Maylie
It means alot to me that both of you answered and my mom has told me just as you both have that he is an adult and needs to learn from this and understand there are consequences. It just really helps to be reminded and here from others that are in this situation that I am doing the right thing.
I hope both of you have a great day I thought about for once going out and just doing whatever I felt like doing now that he isn't sitting next to me complaining or pouting that he wants drugs.
hugs
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Maylie)) - Like you, I'm also a recovering addict and I was a raging codie (codependent) back in the day. I clung to this forum as a lifeline and the first time I refused to bail XABF#3 (I was a very slow learner), it felt awful but I knew it was the right thing to do.
The only way I found myself in recovery was because people loved me enough to face my consequences, dig a really deep hole and figure how to get out of it. They gave me the dignity to live my life as I chose, and being homeless and going to jail got old. I now give other A's the same dignity to live their life and face consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The only way I found myself in recovery was because people loved me enough to face my consequences, dig a really deep hole and figure how to get out of it. They gave me the dignity to live my life as I chose, and being homeless and going to jail got old. I now give other A's the same dignity to live their life and face consequences.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I agree with the previous posters. I too am recovering, 31 years sober and
clean and 28 years from my codependent issues.
You knows he has to want recovery, and what better way to get an addict to
the point of wanting recovery than to allow the addict to experience and feel
the consequences of his/her actions?
That was what got me to recovery. It is also what got every one I have
worked with over these many years to want recovery. Their family and/or
friends allowed them to hit their individual bottoms.
You are definitely doing the correct thing. There is absolutely NO, NONE,
NADA good reason why you should be spending your hard earned money
food and utilities and drugs for him.
I don't know what you are doing for your recovery, but one of the things
I had and have to do for mine was and is set my boundaries FOR ME.
The biggest one to this day is, I will NOT associate with, live with or be
around anyone who is in active addiction and will be TOXIC for me.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care
very much. I am sending some haling thoughts and prayers that you
can set some boundaries for you for your own recovery.
Love and hugs,
clean and 28 years from my codependent issues.
You knows he has to want recovery, and what better way to get an addict to
the point of wanting recovery than to allow the addict to experience and feel
the consequences of his/her actions?
That was what got me to recovery. It is also what got every one I have
worked with over these many years to want recovery. Their family and/or
friends allowed them to hit their individual bottoms.
You are definitely doing the correct thing. There is absolutely NO, NONE,
NADA good reason why you should be spending your hard earned money
food and utilities and drugs for him.
I don't know what you are doing for your recovery, but one of the things
I had and have to do for mine was and is set my boundaries FOR ME.
The biggest one to this day is, I will NOT associate with, live with or be
around anyone who is in active addiction and will be TOXIC for me.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care
very much. I am sending some haling thoughts and prayers that you
can set some boundaries for you for your own recovery.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Thank you for your response Amy it gives me strength when others share their experience and let me know how after being forced to face their consequences of their actions decided enough was enough. Every time I start to feel the urge to go get him I am going to come on here and read everyone's stories.
It is amazing how strong we can be when we put our minds to it and we come together. I think I might look up a meeting since this is not the type of thing I can turn to someone in school and ask for support about.
It is amazing how strong we can be when we put our minds to it and we come together. I think I might look up a meeting since this is not the type of thing I can turn to someone in school and ask for support about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Laurie reading your post put a smile on my face. The support on here is unbelievable. I need to make boundries I just found it so hard to make them while he was living here. I always made excuses and told myself oh next week he'll get an interview and get a job blah blah and it just never happened.
I am going to take your advice and make a list of things I will refuse to deal/live with. I need boundries and for the first time I need to put myself first instead of always trying to make him happy.
Congrats on your amazing length of time sober! You are amazing! I can't wait to one day to be able to say that. I am 22 years old and every day I wake up clean I thank god that I woke up when I did. I always thought I was just a caring loving girlfriend until I came upon this sight. I never realized that someone could be a codependant. Now that I know I am going to work on my codie issues along with my drug recovery.
It's so weird how I got so used to the rut he had me and and how him going to jail could open my eyes to so much.
Maylie
I am going to take your advice and make a list of things I will refuse to deal/live with. I need boundries and for the first time I need to put myself first instead of always trying to make him happy.
Congrats on your amazing length of time sober! You are amazing! I can't wait to one day to be able to say that. I am 22 years old and every day I wake up clean I thank god that I woke up when I did. I always thought I was just a caring loving girlfriend until I came upon this sight. I never realized that someone could be a codependant. Now that I know I am going to work on my codie issues along with my drug recovery.
It's so weird how I got so used to the rut he had me and and how him going to jail could open my eyes to so much.
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Maylie, just wanted to say that as a mother of an addict who is 22, I am so proud of how you are handling this! You have reclaimed your life from drugs. Don't look back, you have your whole life ahead of you.
I wish you the very best in getting the help YOU need and finding YOUR happiness in life. Addiction hurts everyone in its wake, and you should feel so blessed that you are now in control of your own life.
Hugs,
Teresa
I wish you the very best in getting the help YOU need and finding YOUR happiness in life. Addiction hurts everyone in its wake, and you should feel so blessed that you are now in control of your own life.
Hugs,
Teresa
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Maylie, my son is an addict, missing now for many years, but back when he lived with us, I know he had drugs in my home as well as stolen goods. When I found them he had to leave, but I am sure he had them there on an ongoing basis. If the police had come to my home and found them, I would have been arrested too, and I might have lost my home in the process. I didn't think about any of that at the time.
My point is that you are a law student. Please don't do anything to jeopardize your chance at a great career. If you had been with him, you might have been arrested too.
It is heart breaking to have to let go of our loved ones addiction and even let go of them sometimes too. But to remain wrapped in the chaos of a life of addiction puts us in danger too.
You are young and have a full life ahead of you. It can and should be a life filled with wonderful dreams and hopes for a healthy, exciting future. Active addiction just does not fit into that picture, and although we hate to tell anyone here whether to stay or go, if I was your mama I would tell you to run for the hills, girl, before you get swept up anymore in this awful life.
Whatever you choose, we're walking with you. I hope you find comfort and support here.
Hugs
My point is that you are a law student. Please don't do anything to jeopardize your chance at a great career. If you had been with him, you might have been arrested too.
It is heart breaking to have to let go of our loved ones addiction and even let go of them sometimes too. But to remain wrapped in the chaos of a life of addiction puts us in danger too.
You are young and have a full life ahead of you. It can and should be a life filled with wonderful dreams and hopes for a healthy, exciting future. Active addiction just does not fit into that picture, and although we hate to tell anyone here whether to stay or go, if I was your mama I would tell you to run for the hills, girl, before you get swept up anymore in this awful life.
Whatever you choose, we're walking with you. I hope you find comfort and support here.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Teresa thank you for all your compliments and I have vowed to myself to never move back and to move forward. I never want to lose control over my life again. With that said, my AB has put me in a situation that could have made me lose control of my future regardless of the fact that I am sober.
With that said, Ann I know what you are saying with things being inside the house. I had suspected for awhile but I put up blinders and wanted so bad for things to be how I had imagined them. My mom actually told me exactly what you said when I called her crying at 3 in the morning when this happened. I know in a time like this it is so important to listen to those that aren't emotionally attatched since although I have always considered myself to be an intelligent woman, my heart has allowed me to put up with things and put myself in situations I would never. I am using this time to really take a look at myself and my life and deciding what is best for ME.
Thank you all for all your responses, in a time like this it is easy to feel alone and you have all helped me realize I am not alone in this struggle.
hugs
Maylie
With that said, Ann I know what you are saying with things being inside the house. I had suspected for awhile but I put up blinders and wanted so bad for things to be how I had imagined them. My mom actually told me exactly what you said when I called her crying at 3 in the morning when this happened. I know in a time like this it is so important to listen to those that aren't emotionally attatched since although I have always considered myself to be an intelligent woman, my heart has allowed me to put up with things and put myself in situations I would never. I am using this time to really take a look at myself and my life and deciding what is best for ME.
Thank you all for all your responses, in a time like this it is easy to feel alone and you have all helped me realize I am not alone in this struggle.
hugs
Maylie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Maylie, sometimes I think that if I was my best friend, what would I tell me.
I know that it's one thing to suggest solutions but it's another to apply them to ourselves.
Somewhere your mind and your heart will meet, and when they do you will know you're on a good path.
Hugs
I know that it's one thing to suggest solutions but it's another to apply them to ourselves.
Somewhere your mind and your heart will meet, and when they do you will know you're on a good path.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
I admire your strength ..I wish I would have found this site sooner myself before I bailed my son out ...you did the right thing as hard as it was it was best not only for you but for him ...stay strong
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Ann just yesterday I thought to myself "If my friend or my sister came to me with this situation what would I tell her to do" and it helps in moments of weakness to put things into perspective.
I have been keeping myself busy with school and thank goodness I have a little wonderful puppy that makes me feel better no matter what is going on with her cuddling and kisses! Pets make everything easier
Schabb33 the only reason I was able to not bail him out when I recieved that phone call is because by the grace of god he had my debit card in his wallet so he actually saved me from bailing him out. I have since cancelled the card and now realize that it was so foolish to ever let him use it to "run to a store". By the time I would have been able to go to a bank to get the money I had reached out to my mom and my sister who got me to start thinking about what he almost did to me and talked me into thinking with my heart.
It hasn't even been a week and I am noticing that the tears are becoming less and less. I still love him, but I need to love myself more and to put myself first. I am becoming more and more greatful that his court date isn't until oct since the only way I am going to regain my self identity is to be seperated from him. I keep praying and I keep coming on here and reaching out to my family.
I hope everyone has a great sunday relaxing and doing whatever makes them happy
you all have helped me so so SO much!
hugs
Maylie
I have been keeping myself busy with school and thank goodness I have a little wonderful puppy that makes me feel better no matter what is going on with her cuddling and kisses! Pets make everything easier
Schabb33 the only reason I was able to not bail him out when I recieved that phone call is because by the grace of god he had my debit card in his wallet so he actually saved me from bailing him out. I have since cancelled the card and now realize that it was so foolish to ever let him use it to "run to a store". By the time I would have been able to go to a bank to get the money I had reached out to my mom and my sister who got me to start thinking about what he almost did to me and talked me into thinking with my heart.
It hasn't even been a week and I am noticing that the tears are becoming less and less. I still love him, but I need to love myself more and to put myself first. I am becoming more and more greatful that his court date isn't until oct since the only way I am going to regain my self identity is to be seperated from him. I keep praying and I keep coming on here and reaching out to my family.
I hope everyone has a great sunday relaxing and doing whatever makes them happy
you all have helped me so so SO much!
hugs
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
At least in jail he’ll be forced to detox. And they have to give him medical attention if he needs it. Jail is honestly the best place for him to be. And if he decided not to show up to court cos he was scared, selfish, high or some other reason his addict brain came up with then you’re the one responsible for the rest of his bail. And normally what you pay a Bondman is only about 10 percent of the actual bail. Not a fun situation to put yourself in. And it can take several months to get your money back assuming he does actually show up for every court date.
You are doing the right thing here. I bailed my EXABF out of jail a few months ago. With half of his money and half of money but it was under my name I personally drove him to court and made sure he went to every hearing so I wouldn’t get screwed. That was a waste of my gas and time and even more of my money.
He was out for a few months before finally admitting he had a problem and going to rehab. He walked out of rehab after two days, unless you’ve been court ordered from what I understand you can just walk out of rehab whenever you want to. Which is why jail is a better place than rehab to get clean. Just ask my EXABF. He called me the night he walked out at 2 AM high as a kite/drunk from the middle of the ghetto asking me to pick him up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it knowing full well he’d probably end up in jail if he was lucky, the alternative was probably ending up dead. Lucky for him he got arrested.
He’s all detoxed now. And he gets to spent the next two years in jail. If I’d gone and picked him up he might not be in jail but he’d certainly end up there eventually if he didn’t kill himself using first.
I honestly think a lot of addicts need jail to finally hit rock bottom. To face the consequences of losing the fundamental human right of freedom…and normally with jail time comes the loss of many other things.
I gave my EXABF another chance after he was arrested the first time. And I wish I hadn’t. So much of my time, energy, money and emotional well being was wasted on him. Talking to someone in jail isn’t cheap and it’s painful.
For the record my EXABF somehow managed to get hooked up with jobs, despite his Cocaine use but that didn’t mean the rest of his life wasn’t spiraling out of control. I used a lot of excuses oh he as a good job (which he was fired from) and an apartment (which he got evicted from), a good relationship with his family (turns out not so much he stole drugs from his mother) and he would never risk losing me (another lie we all tell ourselves). I told myself after he was arrested in April he would never risk losing my again but the truth is he never lost me in the first place and he told me that part of how he justified using was that he was "in control" of it enough to keep me. Truth is we can come up with all the excuses in the world but none of them matter. An addict is an addict. And he will continue to use and risk everything until he realizes that he really has lost everything.
It gets easier with time I am still stupidly accepting phone calls from my EXABF despite the expense but it does get easier every day. I know being with him isn't the right thing for us and part of me knows I should stop talking to him entirely but I believe that NC is something that needs to be done at your own pace.
Just think about what you want. I'm sorry to say that I don't think that just one short period of time in jail will keep you ex clean. Recovery is something he needs to commit himself too fully. My ex ALMOST lost me in April but he didn't. And he was right back to using again, and now he's in for two years. It's been like that with him on and off for a very long time and it's always because of the drugs. If someone is using they aren't capable of making decisions or of putting anyone/anything but the drugs first. Just keep that in mind.
I wish I'd left the first time he got arrested. It was have saved me a lot of time, money, heartache and mental anguish. Best of luck to you, stay strong. Good for you for not bailing him out. Sorry for talking quite a bit about my situation but I just wanted you to hear my experience and know you aren't alone. Please PM me if you ever need to talk. I'd love to speak with someone who understand what I'm going through, maybe we can help one one another through this.
You are doing the right thing here. I bailed my EXABF out of jail a few months ago. With half of his money and half of money but it was under my name I personally drove him to court and made sure he went to every hearing so I wouldn’t get screwed. That was a waste of my gas and time and even more of my money.
He was out for a few months before finally admitting he had a problem and going to rehab. He walked out of rehab after two days, unless you’ve been court ordered from what I understand you can just walk out of rehab whenever you want to. Which is why jail is a better place than rehab to get clean. Just ask my EXABF. He called me the night he walked out at 2 AM high as a kite/drunk from the middle of the ghetto asking me to pick him up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it knowing full well he’d probably end up in jail if he was lucky, the alternative was probably ending up dead. Lucky for him he got arrested.
He’s all detoxed now. And he gets to spent the next two years in jail. If I’d gone and picked him up he might not be in jail but he’d certainly end up there eventually if he didn’t kill himself using first.
I honestly think a lot of addicts need jail to finally hit rock bottom. To face the consequences of losing the fundamental human right of freedom…and normally with jail time comes the loss of many other things.
I gave my EXABF another chance after he was arrested the first time. And I wish I hadn’t. So much of my time, energy, money and emotional well being was wasted on him. Talking to someone in jail isn’t cheap and it’s painful.
For the record my EXABF somehow managed to get hooked up with jobs, despite his Cocaine use but that didn’t mean the rest of his life wasn’t spiraling out of control. I used a lot of excuses oh he as a good job (which he was fired from) and an apartment (which he got evicted from), a good relationship with his family (turns out not so much he stole drugs from his mother) and he would never risk losing me (another lie we all tell ourselves). I told myself after he was arrested in April he would never risk losing my again but the truth is he never lost me in the first place and he told me that part of how he justified using was that he was "in control" of it enough to keep me. Truth is we can come up with all the excuses in the world but none of them matter. An addict is an addict. And he will continue to use and risk everything until he realizes that he really has lost everything.
It gets easier with time I am still stupidly accepting phone calls from my EXABF despite the expense but it does get easier every day. I know being with him isn't the right thing for us and part of me knows I should stop talking to him entirely but I believe that NC is something that needs to be done at your own pace.
Just think about what you want. I'm sorry to say that I don't think that just one short period of time in jail will keep you ex clean. Recovery is something he needs to commit himself too fully. My ex ALMOST lost me in April but he didn't. And he was right back to using again, and now he's in for two years. It's been like that with him on and off for a very long time and it's always because of the drugs. If someone is using they aren't capable of making decisions or of putting anyone/anything but the drugs first. Just keep that in mind.
I wish I'd left the first time he got arrested. It was have saved me a lot of time, money, heartache and mental anguish. Best of luck to you, stay strong. Good for you for not bailing him out. Sorry for talking quite a bit about my situation but I just wanted you to hear my experience and know you aren't alone. Please PM me if you ever need to talk. I'd love to speak with someone who understand what I'm going through, maybe we can help one one another through this.
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