My story - I think I've seen the light
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 3
My story - I think I've seen the light
Hello All. I'm new to the forum, but have appreciated all the stories that are shared on here. I'm going to share my story...
I've known him 9+ years and started as friends. The past 2 1/2 years we had been dating on and off...his alcoholism always drew us apart. BUT I always took him back because in my heart I know he's my soulmate when he's sober.
He is 41 and I'm 29. He's very charismatic ,intelligent, handsome, and hilarious. I love his humor the most. Anyway, he's been drinking since he was 15. He went through 2 marriages which ultimately ended up in divorce.
We moved into a rental house last spring. That's when I discovered the severity of his addiction to alcohol. He is a closet drinker....meaning, I never once saw him take a drink. HIs drink of choice is Jim Beam. He lies about his drinking and tries to hide it, which is ridiculous because I'd come home from work and he wouldn't be able to walk at all and he'd still lie and say he wasn't drunk. I recall several times he fell out of bed in the middle of the night and he'd always have bruises all over his body. So, basically I felt like I was taking care of an old man and I wanted out. I couldn't take any more because he always said he was going to stop, but never did. So, we only ended up living in that rental house 4 months because I had decided enough was enough, even though I loved him dearly.
I didn't contact him for 5 months, but missed him terribly. I found out he got his 3rd DUI in that time and was going through a treatment program. We got into contact again while he was in treatment and it sounded like rehab was the best thing that ever happened to him. We ended up getting back together after he graduated the treatment program, he got a really good job, and was living at his parents house until he got back on his feet financially again. Things were AMAZING.
Then not even 2 months later I get a call that he violated his probation and they arrested him. He's now in the county jail and has been for over a week.
This last time around I fell for him even harder. I was trusting him again and believing he was completely sober and doing the right thing. We had just gone on a trip to MN together to see his 13 year old son. Then this happens. When I talked to him on the phone, he didn't sound remorseful at all. I'm so hurt and angry now that he lied to me about his drinking again. Makes me wonder what else he's lied about. I think alcoholics are liars...they make it a lifestyle because they are so ashamed of how they are.
Anyways, I haven't told him that I'm done for good this time and I don't know how to tell him without making him feel worse than he already does about this latest screw-up. I just have absolutely no trust in him anymore and feel betrayed. Honestly, I have lost hope that he can ever truly get sober. He's been doing this for too long. Breaks my heart - he's such a wonderful man underneath it all, but allows the disease to control him. I don't think he ever got past step 1 of the AA program, honestly.
How should I tell him that my heart can't take any more? He's very sensitive...
It's time for me to take care of myself!!!
I've known him 9+ years and started as friends. The past 2 1/2 years we had been dating on and off...his alcoholism always drew us apart. BUT I always took him back because in my heart I know he's my soulmate when he's sober.
He is 41 and I'm 29. He's very charismatic ,intelligent, handsome, and hilarious. I love his humor the most. Anyway, he's been drinking since he was 15. He went through 2 marriages which ultimately ended up in divorce.
We moved into a rental house last spring. That's when I discovered the severity of his addiction to alcohol. He is a closet drinker....meaning, I never once saw him take a drink. HIs drink of choice is Jim Beam. He lies about his drinking and tries to hide it, which is ridiculous because I'd come home from work and he wouldn't be able to walk at all and he'd still lie and say he wasn't drunk. I recall several times he fell out of bed in the middle of the night and he'd always have bruises all over his body. So, basically I felt like I was taking care of an old man and I wanted out. I couldn't take any more because he always said he was going to stop, but never did. So, we only ended up living in that rental house 4 months because I had decided enough was enough, even though I loved him dearly.
I didn't contact him for 5 months, but missed him terribly. I found out he got his 3rd DUI in that time and was going through a treatment program. We got into contact again while he was in treatment and it sounded like rehab was the best thing that ever happened to him. We ended up getting back together after he graduated the treatment program, he got a really good job, and was living at his parents house until he got back on his feet financially again. Things were AMAZING.
Then not even 2 months later I get a call that he violated his probation and they arrested him. He's now in the county jail and has been for over a week.
This last time around I fell for him even harder. I was trusting him again and believing he was completely sober and doing the right thing. We had just gone on a trip to MN together to see his 13 year old son. Then this happens. When I talked to him on the phone, he didn't sound remorseful at all. I'm so hurt and angry now that he lied to me about his drinking again. Makes me wonder what else he's lied about. I think alcoholics are liars...they make it a lifestyle because they are so ashamed of how they are.
Anyways, I haven't told him that I'm done for good this time and I don't know how to tell him without making him feel worse than he already does about this latest screw-up. I just have absolutely no trust in him anymore and feel betrayed. Honestly, I have lost hope that he can ever truly get sober. He's been doing this for too long. Breaks my heart - he's such a wonderful man underneath it all, but allows the disease to control him. I don't think he ever got past step 1 of the AA program, honestly.
How should I tell him that my heart can't take any more? He's very sensitive...
It's time for me to take care of myself!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
When I talked to him on the phone, he didn't sound remorseful at all.
I haven't told him that I'm done for good this time and I don't know how to tell him without making him feel worse than he already does about this latest screw-up.
These two statements are contradictory. In any case, however badly he feels, or doesn't feel, about his latest screw-up is not your problem. He is going to be and do whatever he wants whether you are involved in his life or not. That's what addicts do. And yes, addicts lie. They will lie when telling the truth would be easier.
You have been through this with him twice now. So, are you done? If you are, which I agree you should be, then be done. Just tell him straight out that you can't take anymore and you are going to move on. Wish him well and then be done. Go completely no contact with him. That is the very best thing you can do for yourself.
I haven't told him that I'm done for good this time and I don't know how to tell him without making him feel worse than he already does about this latest screw-up.
These two statements are contradictory. In any case, however badly he feels, or doesn't feel, about his latest screw-up is not your problem. He is going to be and do whatever he wants whether you are involved in his life or not. That's what addicts do. And yes, addicts lie. They will lie when telling the truth would be easier.
You have been through this with him twice now. So, are you done? If you are, which I agree you should be, then be done. Just tell him straight out that you can't take anymore and you are going to move on. Wish him well and then be done. Go completely no contact with him. That is the very best thing you can do for yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I'm sorry...
I know how difficult this is because I had similar feelings about my ex, when he wasn't drinking like a lunatic he was the most wonderful guy.
We broke up with a huge fight and then I ended up sending him an email saying I couldn't take the drinking and his volatile behavior. Yes, alcoholics lie because they are ashamed and don't want anyone else to know how bad the problem is, mine did this all the time. You may be surprised at what happens, my ex ended up turning the tables on me and blaming me for demise of the relationship, certainly that was a defense mechanism.
Anyway you have worried about him long enough, help is available if he wanted it and it doesn't seem like he does. You need to move on with your life. Just tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much and be done with it.
I know how difficult this is because I had similar feelings about my ex, when he wasn't drinking like a lunatic he was the most wonderful guy.
We broke up with a huge fight and then I ended up sending him an email saying I couldn't take the drinking and his volatile behavior. Yes, alcoholics lie because they are ashamed and don't want anyone else to know how bad the problem is, mine did this all the time. You may be surprised at what happens, my ex ended up turning the tables on me and blaming me for demise of the relationship, certainly that was a defense mechanism.
Anyway you have worried about him long enough, help is available if he wanted it and it doesn't seem like he does. You need to move on with your life. Just tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much and be done with it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The best predictor of future behavior, past behavior.
He is twice divorced, and I bet I can guess why.
And I can safely assure you, he is not sensitive. Active alkies are extremly selfish. The main priority of their life is booze, they do not/ cannot value anyone else's feelings.
He is an addict, he is emotional and physically unavailable.
Moving on, and letting go of this toxic situation is the absolute best gift you will ever give yourself.
He is twice divorced, and I bet I can guess why.
And I can safely assure you, he is not sensitive. Active alkies are extremly selfish. The main priority of their life is booze, they do not/ cannot value anyone else's feelings.
He is an addict, he is emotional and physically unavailable.
Moving on, and letting go of this toxic situation is the absolute best gift you will ever give yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much. After making my decision the other day, I feel a sense of euphoria that I can be done with this, but I will always love him and feel sad for him that he can't get his life straightened out. He can't even take care of his 13 year old son, so what made me think he could take care of me in the way I wanted him to?
Another sad tidbit about him - this disease definitely runs in his family. His dad was an alcoholic and was able to quit cold turkey at age 48. His grandpa, however, died at age 46 from alcoholism. His grandma worried about his grandpa nonstop and died from a stroke from all that worry under age 50, shortly after her husband's death. My bf (well, now ex bf) is moreso similar to his grandpa and is headed down that same path. This is what his own father told me. His parents even told me to move on as they don't want me to go through any more pain over this. His parents have been awesome and very supportive of me in this mess.
It will be hard to move on. The hardest part for me to accept is that I gave him everything and no amount of love will ever make him change. He hates himself and therefore can never give me the love I want him to give me. Just a horrible, heartbreaking thing. I was stupid to think I could save him...stupid for wasting my time going to AA meetings with him and thinking a stint in rehab was going to change him.
I just got a letter from him today he wrote in jail saying to please take him back, give him another chance. You have no idea how many times I've heard those words. CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. We talked about marriage in the future, but thank God I didn't marry him!
I'm sticking to what I say, even though he will try to keep manipulating me back into the relationship. My heart can't take it anymore...
Thank you everyone!
Another sad tidbit about him - this disease definitely runs in his family. His dad was an alcoholic and was able to quit cold turkey at age 48. His grandpa, however, died at age 46 from alcoholism. His grandma worried about his grandpa nonstop and died from a stroke from all that worry under age 50, shortly after her husband's death. My bf (well, now ex bf) is moreso similar to his grandpa and is headed down that same path. This is what his own father told me. His parents even told me to move on as they don't want me to go through any more pain over this. His parents have been awesome and very supportive of me in this mess.
It will be hard to move on. The hardest part for me to accept is that I gave him everything and no amount of love will ever make him change. He hates himself and therefore can never give me the love I want him to give me. Just a horrible, heartbreaking thing. I was stupid to think I could save him...stupid for wasting my time going to AA meetings with him and thinking a stint in rehab was going to change him.
I just got a letter from him today he wrote in jail saying to please take him back, give him another chance. You have no idea how many times I've heard those words. CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. We talked about marriage in the future, but thank God I didn't marry him!
I'm sticking to what I say, even though he will try to keep manipulating me back into the relationship. My heart can't take it anymore...
Thank you everyone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by ZiggyB 
I'm sorry...
I know how difficult this is because I had similar feelings about my ex, when he wasn't drinking like a lunatic he was the most wonderful guy.
We broke up with a huge fight and then I ended up sending him an email saying I couldn't take the drinking and his volatile behavior. Yes, alcoholics lie because they are ashamed and don't want anyone else to know how bad the problem is, mine did this all the time. You may be surprised at what happens, my ex ended up turning the tables on me and blaming me for demise of the relationship, certainly that was a defense mechanism.
Anyway you have worried about him long enough, help is available if he wanted it and it doesn't seem like he does. You need to move on with your life. Just tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much and be done with it.
I know how difficult this is because I had similar feelings about my ex, when he wasn't drinking like a lunatic he was the most wonderful guy.
We broke up with a huge fight and then I ended up sending him an email saying I couldn't take the drinking and his volatile behavior. Yes, alcoholics lie because they are ashamed and don't want anyone else to know how bad the problem is, mine did this all the time. You may be surprised at what happens, my ex ended up turning the tables on me and blaming me for demise of the relationship, certainly that was a defense mechanism.
Anyway you have worried about him long enough, help is available if he wanted it and it doesn't seem like he does. You need to move on with your life. Just tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much and be done with it.
He tried to find little things to pin on me to make me feel bad...things that weren't even related to the breakup. Anything to take the attention off his drinking....So pathetic.
He's been drinking since he was 15...I think he stopped maturing at 15. Awful affliction...
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