Jakkolantern

It's funny... to look at it, my life is pretty blessed. I'm 42, I've been working for a good company for 15 years, and despite not having a university degree, I make a very good living indeed. I lead a team of 25 people at this time, which will grow to 30 shortly. I have a lovely condo, my most recent vehicle is nearly paid off, and I have no debt to speak of beyond my mortgage. My life is mostly drama free.

My sister has a much more difficult life than I. My niece has chromosomal challenges so significant she'll never walk or talk, and my nephew is autistic. My sister is a single mom in these circumstances. Each year I send her on a trip somewhere. It's the least I can do.

And yet it's me that is the alcoholic.

Half a bottle of scotch a night at minimum, and lately a bit more than that... I make too much money. I don't even notice the expenditure, which is about $35/day.

This isn't my first trip down addiction lane. I've been addicted to cocaine and a few other things in the past 15 years... but this trip has legs. It's been a few years now of me trying and failing. I'm in counselling now through a local institute, and thanks to a wonderful plan my employer picks up the first series of sessions.

Last session had a stark moment of realization that I'm playing over in my head. I have two modes - progress or failure. I'm always concentrating on the me that I'll be "some day" - after I lose some weight, or finish some goal. And if that progress isn't happening, I fail badly. I don't just "not succeed".

I'm never just okay with me. And I think that's key to my problems.

I should be okay with me. I'm a decent person. I'm generous, caring, I play guitar like a madman along with 6 other instruments, I'm a great conversationalist, I'm well-read, I'm terrific at what I do for a living... I host a mean poker game where attendees include my boss, his boss, his boss again, and a director from another part of the business.

But I'm losing my talents to the abyss that is alcoholism. I haven't read a book in months.

The odd thing is how much I've accomplished in the last three years of full-on alcoholism. I've finished 8 night courses (280 hours) at University to complete a management certification, finished 60 hours of culinary training for core kitchen skills, and completed another 32 hours of ethnic cooking courses. I built a piece of software that is by far the best thing I've produced in my career, solving a major business problem in a critical timeline. It got me promoted. And my yearly evaluations for all three years have been stellar.

But it's really starting to come to a head. It can't go on like this or it'll kill me. In order to be sober in the morning to go to work I have to start drinking earlier, because my tolerance is so large. That's a terrible sign - one that means a reckoning is coming.

I'm at a crossroads.

least

You certainly are at a crossroads. One road leads straight to disaster and misery. The other road is a happy journey. Keep drinking and you'll end up on the disaster trail.

I hope you can find or make whatever will help you quit drinking. I used counseling and this site and I'm coming up on three years.

Welcome to the family!

sugarbear1

Glad you found SR!

Sapling

Welcome to SR...One thing I know about alcoholism is that it is progressive...And it will get worse....I use the program of AA and it works quite nice for me....I also use this site for online support....What are you willing to do to get sober?

Jitterbugg

Wow jakko...where do you find the time to be an alcoholic! I was very low functioning when i drank. I was lucky to shave properly and not be 20 mins late everyday. I worked in finance for a major brokerage firm for 6 years. My drinking progressed from a few pints after work to guzzling vodka anytime I wasnt at the office during this period. I resigned, mainly because I was terrified of being fired. I spent the next 3 years drinking full-time in my apartment until I exhausted my savings and was broke.

I see some similarities with the path your on. I hope you get help and don't end up at rock-bottom like me.

Jakkolantern

You know, that's a very good question.

One thing that has been made clear to me in my sessions is that the alcoholism is not the root of the problem. It's clearly a symptom. And the problem extends throughout my life. I don't do moderation - I only do excess. I'm pursuing therapy to figure out what that's all about.

Tonight will be an alcohol-free night. Self-discovery cannot happen through the fog of booze.

There's been additional complications in my family that mean I can't just check out every evening anymore. My mother has begun chemotherapy for stage III breast cancer, and my niece has been diagnosed with left ventricular failure.

Historically I've had some serious reservations about the AA program. I just disagree with some of the basic philosophy involved. But at this point I'm not ruling anything out.

Thanks all for the warm welcome.

Sapling

So did I...It was actually the last place I thought I'd ever end up....I'm glad I made it. It will be there if you need it....I hope you find something that works for you.

zanzibar

Welcome Jakko, just goes to show alcoholism is not predjudice. Good or bad upbringing, Rich, poor, in a good position, bad position, black, white, hispaninic, oriental, middle eastern, gay, straight, king, or street dweller doesn't matter. You gotta hand it to alcoholism it definatly provides equal opportunaty for all and no one's immune.

Just remember that IMO truth matters, especially in a position such as yours. Once the word gets out I bet you're surprised at who you find is in the same position. And who develops new respect for you for bettering your life.

I really hope you resolve yourself before it brings your world down.

Jakkolantern

It's clear I need some help. I'm not going to suddenly solve this on my own. But I have to do some thinking on whom to engage.

Oh, me too.

Auvers

Welcome, Jakko. You said "self discovery cannot happen thru the fog of booze". You are exactly correct. And it takes more than a night or several to get through the fog. It takes different amounts of time for different people, but the issues of post acute withdrawal fog will continue to some degree for 3 months or longer. So if you want to work on self discovery, the first step would be to quit drinking, get through early recovery months, then tackle the things you want to work on in your life. I have just gotten through a bit over 3 months and for me, adjusting to the differences in my life without alcohol was pretty consuming, mentally and physically. Hope you get started. Your world will look very different after subtracting alcohol.

blueshades

Welcome to SR, Jakk. I, too, have reservations about AA. I have found logging into this site daily and pursuing independent reads to be very helpful. It's good that you have an open mind. "There's a lot of ways to get to New York," as the old saying goes.

AVRT/Rational Recovery is an approach that has worked for some here. Still other paths are to be found in the Secular Recovery threads here on SR.

You seem like a pretty neat person with a lot going for you. I wish you the best in the journey ahead.

Jakkolantern

I had never heard of AVRT before today, and I've been reading up on it like crazy. Very appealing to me. In fact, I just ordered a copy of the 1996 Rational Recovery book.

Funny thing... I'm looking at the cost to get priority shipping, and it's bugging me that it costs nearly as much as the book itself. Here I am concerned about $12 that will speed up delivery of something that might help me. At the same time I don't bat an eye when I get overcharged $15 for my Laphroaig because it's too late in the evening to buy at the cheap places.

Thanks very much for the reply.

blueshades

Ha! I hear you. I've had a lot of those "Huh, isn't that funny" moments these last six weeks.

MrsKing

Welcome to SR.

I really understand this. I am exactly the same, and it's quite a common trait among alcoholics.

With everything I do, I am either the 'best' at it, or the 'worst' at it (in my opinion) and this TOTALLY dictates how I behave doing what I'm doing. Like you... I either fail or I succeed, there's never an in between... I can't seem to get myself to be OK with just doing OK, and that's with everything.

I'm much better with all that since I've been sober, though. I'm a lot calmer, and don't view my life as a failure or a success. Instead I try to focus on the right now, this very moment, and attempt to not let my mind wander. Of course, I do everything I can to ensure that I am a success, but if I'm not at one given thing? Who cares! I'm a success in other things.

You'll find that when you're sober, life isn't so black and white any more. Or at least that happened for me, any way.

You can do this! Believe in yourself. I'm glad you're checking out AVRT. It's what I use, and I found it revolutionary.

Wishing you all the best. Glad you're here.

Dee74

Welcome Jakko

I was never ok with me either, and I realise now I was using booze to stop myself from being OK with myself...

I knew that process would necessitate a journey of discovery and frankly I was afraid of what I might find out.

Eventually tho, I had no choice...my drinking was killing me and my mercurial achievements when drinking were all long behind me...

What I found out was a lot of what I'd been afraid of didn't actually exist - it was just fear...and a convoluted way to stick with the status quo.

I'm glad I got ok with myself, because now I actually like myself for the first time in my adult life.

I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror again.
It's a good feeling

Stopping drinking is the first step in that journey.
Glad you've joined us

D

Jakkolantern

Hmmm... Read about AVRT on Monday... ordered the 1996 book that night, received it Wednesday. Halfway through so far.

Haven't had a drink since Sunday night. No cravings, no detox... I have to send the voice away occasionally, but nothing serious.

Even though it was a rough 3 years of nightly half bottles of scotch or more (sometimes lots more), perhaps I'm getting out early enough to avoid the real detox.

Discussed it with my counsellor - we have lots to work on. I can't help but ask, "Is it really that simple?" and so far the answer is "yes". But then it's only 5 days so far.

I did avoid a trigger without any trouble. I had to go to a grocery 20 minutes ago because I ran out of cat food. It's right next to a liquor store that sells my scotch.

No problem.

Sapling

You know....I don't kmow much about AVRT...But I know quite a bit about alcoholism. At day five I was in detox. I wish you luck....But if it was that easy....I would have heard about it,

LaVallette

Geez Jakk, I got shudders reading reading this, you've described me perfectly. From the outside looking in I've got it all; house, wife, great job, SUV and motorbike etc, etc. I have learnt along the course of my journey that all these things are "externals", my problem with booze was what it was doing to me on the inside. No-one at work saw me waking up at 3 - 4 AM, in a cold sweat with a feeling of impending disaster, or felt the fear that even small problems began to look insurmountable. I too was a "snob-drinker"; I loved the peaty scotches from Islay (and I won't expand further in case I trigger someone) and rarely got a "traditional" hangover, just that screaming of the 40 committees in my head that wanted attention. I could hide it for a while, because I couldn't stay in bed, with a few words of comfort to my wife like "Oh, just having trouble sleeping, something on my mind from work" or something else just as inane. My work paid for a psychologist too, who specialised in alcohol and drug counselling. I looked for causes for my drinking, I wouldn't start, or would flat refuse a project because I thought I couldn't do it perfectly. That doesn't mean I didn't do anything difficult, I actually accepted a couple of projects that had been refused as "too convoluted" by my colleagues, but they suited my talents and way of thinking. But as I stated, if I didn't think I could do it "perfectly" then I wouldn't take it on. My counsellor told me this was a symptom of "perfectionism" is the bad sense that is. That might be worth raising at your next session. Anyway after trying to blunder about fighting this thing for years (I'm 46), I too finally ended up walking through the doors of AA. As you've probably already figured out by surfing this board, you are not alone! That was the big impact i found that AA had on me, and it was by talking to and learning from other alcoholics, NOT "alcohologists", that I am beginning to get some progress. All my best for your journey.

Jakkolantern

Of course everybody is different (when we're all not mostly being the same).

When I went through cocaine addiction in 2001 and I had reached the point where I was ready to quit, I contacted my dealer and said, "All that cocaine I was buying for 'friends'? It was for me. I have a problem. Please don't sell to me anymore." She was a friend, and agreed. And that was that.

When I was addicted to ketamine, it lasted until the source dried up. And that was that.

The earliest addiction for me was food, throughout childhood, until 1996 when I was 305 pounds. I hit the gym then, and in 1998 I was 180 pounds and in excellent shape. I'm not that weight anymore (alcohol didn't help), but I've started on it again. I never got anywhere near my 1996 level.

I'm a serial addictor, absolutely. But I also seem to have a limit... I actually thought alcohol would be the one that finally did me in because the supply is endless and legal risk-free. But perhaps I'm just looking for that escape trigger.

Question is... if I walk away from alcohol, what's next?

Made popcorn and watched a movie last night for the first time in a long time. "Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil". Not exactly masterpiece theatre, but a good laugh. Got up today, made a classic french omelet with toast and used my aeropress to make some seriously good coffee.

Normalcy. How I miss it.

Vall

Dear Jakkolantern,

Yummmyyyyyy :> The omelet and toast idea has made me very hungry.

Have you thought of trying cognitive behavioural therapy? I am not sure if this is the same as AVRT but it can help change your usual patterns. It worked for me. Just a thought.