Sadconfused

Things have been really calm here lately. ABF is still getting drunk every night an passing out but no drama. I have kinda detached I guess. I will ask him to do something, he of course doesn't and instead of going in there and flipping out on him, I just do it myself and leave him be. I have realized that it takes less time to just do it myself compared to the energy and time I waste nagging him. It's his life, if he wants to sit and waste it drinking and playing who am I to try and stop him. I already feel myself getting back what I felt before when I detached from him a few yrs ago and started to accept that he wasn't my responsibility. It's nice, i know I have a long road to walk and its going to be really hard at times but at least I know there is light at the end. I am learning to focus more on myself and my problems over his. Doing so has made me realize that I have a lot of issues. One is the whole "affair" thing, I havent told anyone much about it cause I can't trust that it won't be brought out in the open and I feel a lot of guilt about it but I miss the other guy terribly, I know that it's unhealthy and that I probably miss him for all the wrong reasons but it hurts. I get bitter when I am dealing with ABF and I think " what were you thinking chosing him and giving up what could have been." Then I feel even more guilty. I have tried to stop thinking about it all but it's getting harder to push it all back. I know no one here probably cares and I'm sure it makes me look like an a$$ but it feels goo to spill and acknowledge the feelings do once. I'm not sure what my next step is, I am reading codependent no more and its a very insightful book. I want to start journal ing but it would be hard, ABF is nosey and I'm not sure I could without it becoming public. I thought about an online journal but I really enjoy writing with a nice pen and paper. It makes me feel like I actually got something off my chest when I write it out on paper compared to typing it up on a pc. Like I said random thoughts.....

suki44883

What are you getting out of your current relationship? Is there some reason why you choose to stay with him even though it is obvious that you are very unhappy? There are other guys out there who don't have drinking problems and don't drink and pass out every night. You deserve someone who gives as much in a relationship as you do. What is the point of being in a relationship if you have to be detached all the time?

hrtbroken

Hey, don't ever feel like no one wants to listen...I am happy to. We all have different issues here and this is a safe place. I care!

BlueSkies1

Since he's nosy pen to paper is out of the question. Write yourself emails and save them as drafts. It's like having a journal folder right in your email, UNLESS you think he may be using a keylogger, then all bets are off and the only safe place is in your head. Since this is about your progress, where it is written down is nowhere near as important as that something actually comes out of the writing. I know exactly what you mean, but given the circumstances, you must adjust.
The affair is a fantasy. You have no idea where that relatioinship would have gone, and it may have ended up very sour.
The bigger issue is you becoming comfortable in your own skin, man or no man around. If you need a man for validation, then you have some growing up to do, and damn I know it's hard because I've been there myself. At some point I simply got disgusted with myself knowing that I always felt I had to lean on a man when I didn't. What was I really afraid of? I had my own identity separate of having a man, didn't I?
this above is what I think your problem is, not the lost guy, nor the abf.
When I am old, if I'm lucky enough to make it there, I want to be an old bat with an attitude with long gray hair flowing out in my garden mumbling to myself. Point is, I want to be healthy and secure in my own skin, and having a man around or not, comes second. Sacrificing any part of me isn't worth it. Mumbling in my garden while the neighbors watch thinking an old bat lives there is another point--it's what I think of myself, and what others think of me is unimportant, and none of my business.

dancingnow

(((HUGS))) there is always someone who cares. We all know what it's like to be invisible when you're with an A.

I was wondering, are you married or just dating? Maybe just my thoughts but if you start becoming interested in someone else, is that an affair or is it a wake up call that maybe the relationship you're in is not working out for you.

IMO someone actively drinking is not available for a relationship.

Titanic

Oh my. You have a two-fer of a problem. It is painful to get that from one you are in a relationship with, and it "feels" wrong for you to be missing your X.

As to #1, I would recommend reading:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-let-go.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

As for your feelings of guilt, they are not necessarily facts. It is normal to miss the good things about someone you once loved & that person, especially when you're having bad times in a current relationship. However, have you taken any actions towards making an "affair" happen before resolving things one way or the other in your current relationship? Seems like you haven't. Let it go, unless you actually do have reasons for "being" guilty. If that is the case, then you'll have to face up to your actions with the help of some reading, counseling, listening to good advice or the like.

Serenity to you.

marie1960

So........ what exactly are you getting out of this situation ?

I grew so sick and tired of the emptiness.

The constant day to day struggle of living with an active alkie, is just not worth it. I guess when you have had enough, you will know.

There really are men out there that do not get drunk daily, and lay around like zombies.

Keep posting, we are listening.

Sadconfused

I don't really get much from the relationship. I ignore him when he is drinking now and he ignores me when he is sober. I use to have a thousand irrational reasons as to why I stay, all of which I'm sure you've all heard but I don't have any now. I honestly don't know why I stay, my guess is because it's easier.

MadeofGlass, I have done a lot of thinking about this. I thought that might have been my problem too but thinking back to when the "affair" started I really don't think that's the issue. When it started ABF had been spending all of his free time drinking and playing video games for over a year. While I was pregnant he would say "oh it will change when the baby gets here" The baby came and then it was "oh when she gets older it will change" needless to say it never happened. When she was around 6 months old I basically gave up. I was alone, I did everything alone and was ok with it. I accepted that I was essentially single ( without the benefits of actually being single) at this point he didn't lash out at me unless I was trying to get him off the game, he didn't care. I didn't care, I was done but I never ended it, I just went on with my life and ignored him. I was happy enough, I had my family and my daughter. So 4 or 5 months later I somehow ending up talking via text to the OG ( I have known him for yrs, he is a family friend). Anyways before I get sidetracked, I know I don't need a man to be happy. I know I can live without any of them, the only person I doubt I could live without is my daughter. That relationship might have very well went sour and it may be a fantasy but I wish I had taken the chance to know for sure. I miss talking to him, he is a wonderful hard working honest sober man and he valued me which is something I hadn't felt for yrs.

I do most of my foruming and stuff on my phone so I don't have to worry about him finding anything. He has all of my email passwords and stuff so tht out of the question case if I change them he will get suspicious and ww3 will break loose.. I have notepad and stuff on my phone but I would feel safer finding an online journaling site that he wont know about.

Titanic

Don't forget to clear your web History & sites searched on your phone!

itsmylifenow

I know what you mean about writing things out with pen and paper. I was writing for years in a journal until my xh read one, then I went to one on wordperfect where it could be password protected.

Do you have a really secret spot you could put it in? I've put mine underneath linens in the closet, the underside of a drawer, in the ceiling where there are tiles, inside a cookbook - the places are endless.

Sadconfused

I don't have any reason to feel guilty anymore physically, ABF knows everything that happened then and I haven't spoke to the other guy since January. I never slept with him, we kissed a few times but it was mostly jyst talking. I had told ABF I was done and I wanted him to move back then when it first started, he just ignored me and continued drinking and playing so I continued doing what I was doing. He didn't care until I came clean to him. Then it was hell. He wanted to fight for the relationship then because he felt threatened by another man. I don't believe for one min it was because he loved me. Anyways he left the state to visit his family in the end, he lasted 3 days before he came back and I gave in, stopped contact with the other guy and here we are today. So I guess the only real reason I feel guilty now is because I still have feelings for that guy and I still think about him everyday.

Sadconfused

We aren't married, we have been dating for 11 yrs. I was 16 when we starting dating and he was 21. I'm sure I could find some where I hide it but I would always be anxiety ridden that he was going to find it. I am going to check out the website you mentioned.

BlueSkies1

My point I guess, more than any other, is that you weren't ready for the OG even if he could be Mr. wonderful.
I think men can be a distraction when we need personal growth. The abf doesn't care if you look down upon his drinking. So since he is living his life the way he wants to, how do you want to live yours?
I know the answer is not living with someone who is passed out half the time....which makes me think--you need more work on you, not more work on finding a new mr. wonderful.
I get that the OG could be fantastic...I also get that there are many men out there that could be fantastic...again...it is distracting from YOU.
Even abf could get sober and become a mr. wonderful.
Doesn't matter, not in the big picture of You living for YOU, not the daughter (although she's your heart), not the abf, not even the sober abf, not the OG either.
How do YOU...just YOU...want to live, and what are you doing to get there?

figure that out and do it.
Then, and only then, there will be plenty of time to find a mr. wonderful.

LifeRecovery

Sanconfused-

I read a great book called After the Affari by Janis Abrahms Spring when I was faced with an affair situation. It talks about the feelings for the person in the affair and those who were not.

It really helped me to understand what I was feeling, and honestly to see the other person's side too (for example grief is pretty normal when you have been in the affair).

We all have stuff, but choosing to look at it and working recovery is always a choice too. I am so glad I did.

Sadconfused

MadeofGlasd, your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you! This is the 100% truth of the matter and that is exactly what I explained to the other guy. Even if I wasn't with ABF, I'm just in no place for a relationship, period. I still miss him though and it tears me up cause we live on the same road so it's hard to avoid each other.

BlueSkies1

You're a sweet woman. This man can be your friend, and friend only, should you separate from abf.
There's no rush you see. You don't have to give him up if you were single. danger would be that one thing leads to another, as we are all motivated by attraction as well, being human. All in good time...just not immediately...the only emergency in life is stopping children from running in front of cars. Everything else can wait for the timing to be right.

at 49 years old, I think I have this goal to grab every younger woman on the planet and scream LIVE FOR YOURSELF NOT A RELATIONSHIP! FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE! until I'm blue in the face...lol

Sadconfused

I know it would be hard for either of us to just be friends and even if I can ever split fom ABF, he def isn't going to make my life easy so it's beat we have no contact but again it's hard. It so difficult to turn off that panic button. I know that no decision has to be made right away and I have to constantly remind my self of that to rid myself of that over reaction and stress. It really does feel like the end of the world unless you act right then, I hate that feeling. I really do appericate your response though, everyone's but especially MadeofGlass. My new goal is going to be to find out how I want to live and what I want out of it cause in all of the chaos I have completely forgotten and lost all of my expectations along the way.

SoloMio

As far as the journaling, I highly recommend it, if you tend to find catharsis in writing things down (I sure do.).

Microsoft Word has a password feature. I would recommend writing in Word, name it something completely random, but then password protect it. That's what I do.

MadeofGlass: thanks for this.
My son sent me Mary Oliver's The Journey. I suspect he knows I need words of wisdom like this.