dogperson

hi...I have only posted once but read your stories all the time. I find comfort in knowing other people have the same thoughts and situations. I have a 20 year old daughter that has just got out of rehab. Her doc is heroin. She has been doing very well. She spent 21 days in rehab and has been out for a week and a half. She landed a good job and starts mon. but she disapeared last nite. she didnt respond to my calls and i was terrified. I have since gotten in touch with her and her father (my x) picked her up. She says she is still clean and i am the one who stresses her out.... I am very close to a divorce with my husband now because he says all i care about is her! I also have twin boys 18. I am trying to keep them from the middle of everything but sometimes i think a bullet to the head would be easier than this life. I could never do it because it would be awful for my kids but honestly this is the hardest and most soul destroying disease. I dont know how to help but not run her recovery. Her friends are not allowed in the house because someone has stolen in access of 500 dollars. She still hangs with 2 of them her bbest friend who went to rehab a few weeks before her and her boyfriend who got sober when she went in. I tell her that she needs to get new friends but i dont forbid her to see them because i cannot run her recovery. They are kids i knew before she had a problem. All i want is for her to love herself as much as i love her and to see her potential. I know i am destroying my marriage.. that i can live with but i cannot live with dragging my boys through this emotional termoil, especially since they love thier sister to death. They still do not understand how deep in she is( not even sure i do). any advice? She says i stress her out because i ask to many questions. I probably do but there is no trust.thanks for just having this web site because i have noone else to talk to!

suki44883

Hi, dogperson. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I am glad you find some comfort here. I hope you will stick around and read and post often. We will support you in any way we can.

Have you considered attending al-anon or nar-anon meetings? I think it would be very helpful for you to have some face-to-face support from others who are dealing with many of the same issues.

I know it is hard when our children make choices that are not good for them, but, as I am sure you know, we cannot live their lives for them. We have to let them make their own mistakes and figure out how to fix their own problems. I hope you will give meetings a try. Again, welcome to SR.

lightseeker

just wanted to welcome you....I'm really sorry for your situation and all of the turmoil. It sounds like you have lots of different things going on - just even one thing would be more than enough.

I know what that what has helped me more than anything is working my own program. The support that I get in Alanon is so helpful. It is a group of people that understand. And there are so many tools that it has taught me to use.

Living can be a tough and messy thing - I understand that there are times it seems easier just not to be here - but you're right - that is not an option. It's not fair to do that to the people that we love. At least it helps to be able to say that it's hard to go on though. I know that many times it has just helped me to express that even though I wasn't going to do anything like that.

Try and take things one at a time and one day at a time. There is a wonderful saying in recovery "hands off of the addict". I know that it's hard not to question your daughter and make suggestions but her recovery really is her business. You certainly need to set the boundaries that are appropriate for you though. Alanon really has helped me to disocver what is best for me and my situation.

In regards to your marriage.....that's a tough one. Working my own recovery program has helped me to deal with my marriage ....and now separation. It's not been easy but without the tools of Alanon I don't know that I would have made it.

More people will be along to welcome you but I just wanted to drop in and say hi!

dogperson

Thank you, I will look up an naranon meeting in my area. I have considered it before but after today and haering from you i realize that it would be really helpful for me. It is a huge relief just to post and talk about things. thank you again!!!

lightseeker

I started out in Naranon and absolutely loved it! It was a wonderful thing to be able to be so open and candid. Glad that you are thinking about going to a meeting!

Titanic

Welcome! You are doing the best thing by going to Nar-Anon. Get in as many meetings as you can (Al-Anon works too).

Your daughter only recently became an adult. She is often making poor choices. It is hard for any parent to just stand by while that happens. However, she is a person in her own right and, with this disease (heroin especially), one must set tough boundaries. Those boundaries will protect you and give her an unenabled chance to do the inside job she needs to do to escape the claws of this disease. For many parents, that entailed putting their A out of the home.

These difficult times, decisions and follow-throughs have mostly been possible only because of the cameraderie of Experience, Strength and Hope found here and in those rooms.

I bid you Serenity.

Impurrfect

((dogperson)) - This is just my experience and I'm a few decades older than your daughter. My family had NO trust in me after I relapsed. I am living back at home thanks to consequences of addiction and I felt like a teenager again...answer the phone when family called (or call back ASAP if I was unable), let them know when I would be home, where I was going, etc. I actually did this on my own, it's nothing they asked, but I knew what their triggers were because I learned it on here and because I also have loved ones who are A's.

The only thing that bugged me is, when my dad would ask me in the early days "are you craving?" Crack was my DOC. I'd tell him "gee, hadn't thought about it until you brought it up!" Honestly, he has no clue of addiction and doesn't want to know and that's okay.

I have over 5-1/2 years in recovery, but there are still certain behaviors that if I do them? My family is going to go to worst-case-scenario. I respect that because I've been on the other side. Not sure your daughter is old enough to have that sense of responsibility. I'm NOT saying that in a derogatory way, I just have a 19-year-old niece who seems totally clueless at things that worry those of us who love her.

I think the meetings will be a great help, along with everyone here. I came here, looking for addiction help and found my "home" in this forum. I was a codie long before I became an A and reading of what people go through here has helped my codie recovery as well as my addiction one.

BTW, I'm not saying just because she's young, she can't be responsible. I was raised to call if I was going to be late and stuff like that. Kinda lost all that knowledge when I was using, but it kicked in in recovery. To me, it's just common courtesy and I am slowly teaching my niece the same thing but boy, it is not easy.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.We have many parents here who will support you. And we all will support you!

I am not the parent of an addict but I have always felt that the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. I went to Nar-Anon for several months (also am a regular at Al-Anon) and I always said that in the meetings during my time to share, as so many parents were in the room and they had other children at home, and husbands, and sisters, and elderly mothers, and it was often so apparent that ALL those people were coming second to the addict. So I will say it to you as well: the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family.

In AA they have a philosophy of the greatest good for the greatest number, and I think that works in families as well.

You very much need to attend a strong 12-step group weekly, and even better, two or three times a week. You are very hooked into your daughter's disease and that helps absolutely no one. But meeting attendance will gradually heal you, clear your head, and you will find a way to release her to her path.

Try to breathe deeply. And go to a meeting. Try a few different ones, and find a good fit. Google Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and your state and you will track down places and times. You do not have to share. Newcomers generally just listen. People in the meeting share about 3-5 minutes regarding their recovery from the effects of a loved one's addiction. They work a spiritual--not religious--program based on AA's 12 Steps. And they do change for the better. Even if the meeting isn't perfect and even if you don't like this or that person in the room, it is still a powerful antidote to obsession.

I hope you will find all the support you deserve. Experts say that addicts have a greater chance of getting sober and staying sober if the family is working a strong recovery program.

cangel2

(((dogperson))) Hugs from another mother! It is great to ask questions...you just need to determine where the best resource is for answers to those questions. Al-Anon, Nar-Anaon and this forum are really good safe places to ask whatever you want! There are others too....a personal therapist is always a great resource.

I have found in my journey that it takes a combination of all of the above to keep me centered and healthy. We all find a combination that works for us...if we work it.....keep trying, reaching out and listening. There is a lot of support out there if you grab on to it!

Specific to your situation....I am thinking that if your daughter were to be in a Sober Living Environment it might help her and remove some of your anxiety. You might want to have a conversation about that and your willingness to support it. Addicts or Recovering Addicts in our homes....never seems to be a winning solution.....the addicts and us revert to some bad behaviors.......best to remove those impulses and be separate.....

Hugs!

Titanic

100% agree with EnglishGarden. Heard & seen many a family focus on the A, and the resulting neglect and unfairness provide a breeding ground for the next in line.

Some program meetings are designed with parents of As in mind. If you can find one of those to go to weekly AS WELL, great for you!

Keep Coming Back!

PrayingMama

Hi, and welcome from another mama. I am the mother of a 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin), so my heart goes out to you. As others have posted, meetings are essential. When I first started attending, I actually went to open NA meetings (no Naranon in my area). It was life-saving, full of love and compassion and information and insight--and these were meetings for addicts themselves (though, because of the "open" designation, anyone can attend).

I also attend Alanon (excellent), but Families Anonymous is my "home." Most parents, but often the offspring are dual diagnosis, meaning they have been officially diagnosed with a serious psychiatric disorder (depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline personality). The strength and empathy in those rooms is what will heal you and transform you. I can't stress it enough. Whatever meetings are available in your area, please give them a try. No need to speak. Just listen if that's what you need. Or share your pain, if that seems to be what you need to do. You will be welcomed, tended to, comforted and strengthened. Not many places you can go for all of that.

I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart. You will need it as your plate is indeed full. But you must first tend to yourself and your well-being.

Blessings.

kmangel

My husband has gotten tired of our conversations surrounding our RAS when he was using and in early recovery, too. He would comment that we had another son, too. Well, our other son has his own problems now (not drug or alcohol related, but with his anger). Oh, well. I'm just glad we stopped at two kids!

Our son came home after rehab, but it was not the right place for him. He is older than your daughter (29) and was used to living on his own for several years. Coming home would not be the best scenario for a non-addicted adult child. Our son finally moved out after living with us seven months. He seems to be doing well now. In our home he didn't work and it was a constant irritation. People on this forum recommended he go to a sober recovery house after rehab. Hindsight is 20/20 and his not living at home is much better than living at home.

My son when he was living at home had counseling sessions (as did my husband and me with the same counselor). Our son complained to the counselor about my questions, too. I really don't believe that my questions were out of line at all. For the four years he was becoming a heroin addict I was silent (due to my being clueless), so when he came home after rehab naturally I had questions. Having the counselor talk through issues like these really helped. She was able to address problems in a way that helped both my son and me better understand each other.

Kindeyes

Welcome dogperson....from another dog person and mother of an addicted son.

I love my son. Very much. His addiction was the focus of all of my attention for a very long time. It's what a good codependent does. My thinking was warped and my actions were unhealthy.....for him and for me. Beyond that......my actions and obsession were detrimental to my other healthy relationships.....and to my marriage.

Eventually, I had to make a choice. My health....or him. My marriage.......or him. My relationship with my daughter......or him. My grandson......or him. My business......or him. That is what addiction does. It sucks the life out of the addicted and those who are closest to them.

I still occasionally talk with my son. I still occasionally see him. But my boundaries are strong and I don't allow the manipulation that has occurred in the past. My focus is now on living MY life. My focus is now on the healthy relationships in my life.

This hasn't helped my son's addiction.....but it saved me. Meetings (Nar-Anon & Al-Anon) are my lifeline.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with addiction. I hope that you reach a point soon that allows you to see that others have value too......most particularly......you.

This is a tough road but we'll walk with you.

gentle hugs
ke