Hope Against Hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Hope Against Hope
WOW!
Where to begin...
On Monday evening before my appointment my axbf showed up to accompany me. He took me by the water to "talk" he was gentle and kind and explained himself and his actions in such clarity, I was fooled, for a moment into thinking he had "come to his senses". " I don't want this happening to your body", "maybe this isn't right, I love you so much..." Along with an in depth conversation about how he was sorry about the problems his drinking had caused and how 'perfect' I was for him. I was guarded. Not at all completely fooled. As you have all read before I just needed the support and a literal, body to accompany me home.
The next day we went and when the nurse asked the mandatory "are you sure this is what you want?" I burst into tears. All the doubts he implanted in my head came rushing in and clouded my eyes in the form of tears. She sent me home to "think more about it". As I stepped out the clinic doors I told him, and his face dropped. My stomach with it. He seemed agitated and annoyed.
DUPED AGAIN!
BAM! It hit me why you all kept WARNING ME TO CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM STARTING NOW...
Was he sober the day before? drunk? drying out? Jekyl? Hyde? Was it reverse psychology? Whatever it was, in that moment I knew for sure what needed to be done, why I was doing it. I rescheduled for this coming monday. upon telling him he let me know he had planned a "road trip" with his uncle and wouldn't be able to take me. I asked, again and again, teary eyed: "what am I supposed to do? I can not do this alone?". As you can all guess, that accomplished nothing. I cried, I cried and I cried. 72 hours straight I cried.
I know what you all must be thinking. But hey, sometimes you gotta let that idiot kid get burned by that match in order for them to learn they shouldn't be playing with fire...
But what I did differently, is dry my tears at noon everyday and drag myself to an Al Anon meeting nearby. I cried in the meetings, hiding my distress but forcing myself to stay, sit and listen.
I attended my support group for the first time on Wedneseday. Scraped my last 320$ together to register. Boy was that overwhelming. There is no measure for the pain and anguish caused by addiction and alcoholism. I listened to adult children of As and parents of addicts. I tried to close my eyes and fathom, living with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles who you know love alcohol more than they do you. I felt so foolish, like I didn't belong. I made that known as my turn came around to tell my story. A woman, who has a 30 year old son addicted to drugs, turned to me with tears in her eyes and said: "you belong here too."
I wish I didn't have to meet a room full of such lovely people under such heart breaking circumstances....
So where am I now? I am still undermining my dignity begging my axbf to rethink his actions and to come with me on Monday. I sincerely have no one else to ask as everyone is busy with work or class. I don't know, I will figure that out. He came by last night and fell asleep on my couch. Refusing to leave until he was sure I was "ok". He even looked on as I did my "homework" for the support group, making light of what he was reading then finally walking out of the room when he read a phrase or two that was a little too real...
(specifically one about the alcoholic blaming the loved one for their drinking, directly after explaining to me that he drank the heaviest when I "pissed him off". Guess he felt stupid).
I woke up with him in the morning and sat over coffee, asking him one last time if he was really going to make me do this alone. Of course the long and the short of it was "yes". I asked him how he could do things like this to me, keeping in mind he claimed to have loved me more than anyone he had ever loved in his entire life (besides family). He said "well when I think of all the times you pissed me off it makes it easier". He said he would be by after work to check in on me and left.
The burning welled up in me again. That searing pain of heartbreak and physical eruption of tears behind your eyes. But then I kicked into terminator mode: "why am I about to cry?", "what am I feeling?", "who is responsible?", "how do I want to spend the next few hours?". I'd be damned if I spent another full day in bed crying over this person. Did it hurt? yes. Was I sad? yes. But I am sick to death of the anguish and the tears. And when I can help it. I WILL.
AND JESUS H...I just read a thread that was a series of excerpts from a book that describes being an alcoholic inside and out. "Under the Influence". Man oh man. It was sick how incredible it made me feel. I felt BETTER, instantly. I don't care who says studying the pathology of our addicts is not healthy. Drive bys in your cars, stalking and prank calls are unhealthy. But getting down to the "why" is sometimes the only catalyst to healing. I don't care who thinks its obsessive or that I should "focus on myself more". It was a damned good read and really opened my eyes to the pickled robot my exabf has drank himself into....
A friend of mine, who is ever the optimistic, still tells me to let him go. But to pray for him. That if I hope and pray hard enough maybe he will find his way and maybe that way will be back to me. Healthy and happy. My counsellor at my support group talks of hope all the time "miracles do happen" she says "my entire family is a miracle". I look at them and think "are you a bloody fool?" . But then it occurred to me that whatever hope against hope that may exist, whatever optimism that can carry me through this, I should hang on to for dear life. And in the meantime, when I heal and am able to move on, in the least I spent most of my days in the light and not in the darkness in agony.
The worst of my pain was caused by trying to understand how someone could consciously be so cruel and unfeeling. The worst of it was thinking that he doesn't care. But he does. Even if it is for a millisecond for each day, or 60 seconds a month. They know. And that is why they self medicate their souls into oblivion. It is a conundrum driven cycle of: self awareness, followed by a burial and/or drowning that self awareness in substances, followed by a self loathing followed by step one... all over again.
Cosmically, insane tail chasing.
They know. They all know what they do. But every cell, literally, of their beings is devoted to regenerating a hardened exterior to contain the rot inside.
He hasn't a clue what he is doing from one moment to the next. And even if he did have love in him for me, showing it would be like asking a dog to operate a sewing machine. He is sick and by many measures: hopeless. It is pathetic and sad. How someone sustains this for a lifetime will remain to be seen. But he is also trapped in his own jail of misery, shame, regret , and self loathing and all I can do now is move on and thank God that I am not him...
Where to begin...
On Monday evening before my appointment my axbf showed up to accompany me. He took me by the water to "talk" he was gentle and kind and explained himself and his actions in such clarity, I was fooled, for a moment into thinking he had "come to his senses". " I don't want this happening to your body", "maybe this isn't right, I love you so much..." Along with an in depth conversation about how he was sorry about the problems his drinking had caused and how 'perfect' I was for him. I was guarded. Not at all completely fooled. As you have all read before I just needed the support and a literal, body to accompany me home.
The next day we went and when the nurse asked the mandatory "are you sure this is what you want?" I burst into tears. All the doubts he implanted in my head came rushing in and clouded my eyes in the form of tears. She sent me home to "think more about it". As I stepped out the clinic doors I told him, and his face dropped. My stomach with it. He seemed agitated and annoyed.
DUPED AGAIN!
BAM! It hit me why you all kept WARNING ME TO CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM STARTING NOW...
Was he sober the day before? drunk? drying out? Jekyl? Hyde? Was it reverse psychology? Whatever it was, in that moment I knew for sure what needed to be done, why I was doing it. I rescheduled for this coming monday. upon telling him he let me know he had planned a "road trip" with his uncle and wouldn't be able to take me. I asked, again and again, teary eyed: "what am I supposed to do? I can not do this alone?". As you can all guess, that accomplished nothing. I cried, I cried and I cried. 72 hours straight I cried.
I know what you all must be thinking. But hey, sometimes you gotta let that idiot kid get burned by that match in order for them to learn they shouldn't be playing with fire...
But what I did differently, is dry my tears at noon everyday and drag myself to an Al Anon meeting nearby. I cried in the meetings, hiding my distress but forcing myself to stay, sit and listen.
I attended my support group for the first time on Wedneseday. Scraped my last 320$ together to register. Boy was that overwhelming. There is no measure for the pain and anguish caused by addiction and alcoholism. I listened to adult children of As and parents of addicts. I tried to close my eyes and fathom, living with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles who you know love alcohol more than they do you. I felt so foolish, like I didn't belong. I made that known as my turn came around to tell my story. A woman, who has a 30 year old son addicted to drugs, turned to me with tears in her eyes and said: "you belong here too."
I wish I didn't have to meet a room full of such lovely people under such heart breaking circumstances....
So where am I now? I am still undermining my dignity begging my axbf to rethink his actions and to come with me on Monday. I sincerely have no one else to ask as everyone is busy with work or class. I don't know, I will figure that out. He came by last night and fell asleep on my couch. Refusing to leave until he was sure I was "ok". He even looked on as I did my "homework" for the support group, making light of what he was reading then finally walking out of the room when he read a phrase or two that was a little too real...
(specifically one about the alcoholic blaming the loved one for their drinking, directly after explaining to me that he drank the heaviest when I "pissed him off". Guess he felt stupid).
I woke up with him in the morning and sat over coffee, asking him one last time if he was really going to make me do this alone. Of course the long and the short of it was "yes". I asked him how he could do things like this to me, keeping in mind he claimed to have loved me more than anyone he had ever loved in his entire life (besides family). He said "well when I think of all the times you pissed me off it makes it easier". He said he would be by after work to check in on me and left.
The burning welled up in me again. That searing pain of heartbreak and physical eruption of tears behind your eyes. But then I kicked into terminator mode: "why am I about to cry?", "what am I feeling?", "who is responsible?", "how do I want to spend the next few hours?". I'd be damned if I spent another full day in bed crying over this person. Did it hurt? yes. Was I sad? yes. But I am sick to death of the anguish and the tears. And when I can help it. I WILL.
AND JESUS H...I just read a thread that was a series of excerpts from a book that describes being an alcoholic inside and out. "Under the Influence". Man oh man. It was sick how incredible it made me feel. I felt BETTER, instantly. I don't care who says studying the pathology of our addicts is not healthy. Drive bys in your cars, stalking and prank calls are unhealthy. But getting down to the "why" is sometimes the only catalyst to healing. I don't care who thinks its obsessive or that I should "focus on myself more". It was a damned good read and really opened my eyes to the pickled robot my exabf has drank himself into....
A friend of mine, who is ever the optimistic, still tells me to let him go. But to pray for him. That if I hope and pray hard enough maybe he will find his way and maybe that way will be back to me. Healthy and happy. My counsellor at my support group talks of hope all the time "miracles do happen" she says "my entire family is a miracle". I look at them and think "are you a bloody fool?" . But then it occurred to me that whatever hope against hope that may exist, whatever optimism that can carry me through this, I should hang on to for dear life. And in the meantime, when I heal and am able to move on, in the least I spent most of my days in the light and not in the darkness in agony.
The worst of my pain was caused by trying to understand how someone could consciously be so cruel and unfeeling. The worst of it was thinking that he doesn't care. But he does. Even if it is for a millisecond for each day, or 60 seconds a month. They know. And that is why they self medicate their souls into oblivion. It is a conundrum driven cycle of: self awareness, followed by a burial and/or drowning that self awareness in substances, followed by a self loathing followed by step one... all over again.
Cosmically, insane tail chasing.
They know. They all know what they do. But every cell, literally, of their beings is devoted to regenerating a hardened exterior to contain the rot inside.
He hasn't a clue what he is doing from one moment to the next. And even if he did have love in him for me, showing it would be like asking a dog to operate a sewing machine. He is sick and by many measures: hopeless. It is pathetic and sad. How someone sustains this for a lifetime will remain to be seen. But he is also trapped in his own jail of misery, shame, regret , and self loathing and all I can do now is move on and thank God that I am not him...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I see a miracle right here, YOU!
You are healing , my heart goes gently out to you, but I have the feeling you are going to be alright, and on top of that a beckon for all of us out here in our own self imposed pain.
Thank you for sharing, and for being here with us. You have no idea how much it means.
Sending you much love and hope, and peace as you continue on.
Katie xo
You are healing , my heart goes gently out to you, but I have the feeling you are going to be alright, and on top of that a beckon for all of us out here in our own self imposed pain.
Thank you for sharing, and for being here with us. You have no idea how much it means.
Sending you much love and hope, and peace as you continue on.
Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by abandonedluv 
WOW!
He hasn't a clue what he is doing from one moment to the next. And even if he did have love in him for me, showing it would be like asking a dog to operate a sewing machine. He is sick and by many measures: hopeless. It is pathetic and sad. How someone sustains this for a lifetime will remain to be seen. But he is also trapped in his own jail of misery, shame, regret , and self loathing and all I can do now is move on and thank God that I am not him...
He hasn't a clue what he is doing from one moment to the next. And even if he did have love in him for me, showing it would be like asking a dog to operate a sewing machine. He is sick and by many measures: hopeless. It is pathetic and sad. How someone sustains this for a lifetime will remain to be seen. But he is also trapped in his own jail of misery, shame, regret , and self loathing and all I can do now is move on and thank God that I am not him...
I hope you find someone to take you to your appointment. I can only imagine how you must be feeling and I'm glad you are going to al-anon and taking care of yourself. Now it sounds like you are thinking much more clearly in your assessment of the situation. I might need to get that book you mentioned too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
I might need to get that book you mentioned too.
Pages and pages of explanations biological, emotional, physiological for why they are the way they are. I don't know. Helped knock some sense into me.
Milam & Ketcham
"Under The Influence"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Abandoned,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I would ask one of the Alanon people to go with you.
I know it sounds strange, but someone who is there just for you and not looking for any sympathy themselves would be good. Also, it gives you confidentiality.
It sounds like the Jerk just wants to make sure you go through with it!
Honestly, I am sickened by his behavior. He just wants to be off the hook, as he has always done.
It is a huge thing for a woman. Very huge decision and no-one knows except the individual woman involved.
You really would not benefit from any further contact with him. Tell him that you are done.
Do all the thinking for you and you alone.
Have you family? Can you tell anyone in your family?
Be sure of your choices. Absolutely sure.
My best to you. All the very best.
Anne
I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I would ask one of the Alanon people to go with you.
I know it sounds strange, but someone who is there just for you and not looking for any sympathy themselves would be good. Also, it gives you confidentiality.
It sounds like the Jerk just wants to make sure you go through with it!
Honestly, I am sickened by his behavior. He just wants to be off the hook, as he has always done.
It is a huge thing for a woman. Very huge decision and no-one knows except the individual woman involved.
You really would not benefit from any further contact with him. Tell him that you are done.
Do all the thinking for you and you alone.
Have you family? Can you tell anyone in your family?
Be sure of your choices. Absolutely sure.
My best to you. All the very best.
Anne
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by abandonedluv
Do it! It really is an incredible read, I am leaving to Indigo right now to seek it out. Someone by the name of GreenTea posted it today? I think? I forget the forum but it wasn't this one.
Pages and pages of explanations biological, emotional, physiological for why they are the way they are. I don't know. Helped knock some sense into me.
Milam & Ketcham
"Under The Influence"
Pages and pages of explanations biological, emotional, physiological for why they are the way they are. I don't know. Helped knock some sense into me.
Milam & Ketcham
"Under The Influence"
I hope you are doing ok today, luv!
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