A perfect circle-the outsider-I want to pull the trigger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
A perfect circle-the outsider-I want to pull the trigger
My heart will not stop pounding, my throat is choked up, the world is pressing down so hard. I WON'T give in. But I sure as hell want to. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired sad and angery, and useless against the way my life is. Yet I can't pick up that bottle. So what do I do? I'm f'd in the head, and I can't do anything about it!!!!
I'm sorry but I just got great news from my ultrasound. I'm having a girl, everything is great with the baby. I should be happy.
But how am I suppose to have a baby when I'm not getting better, I want to cry, but if I do I'll have a panic attack. If I don't I'm holding it in and trying to act happy when I'm not. Not at all.
If you know the song by- A perfect circle-called the outsider aka 13 step
I'm sorry but I just got great news from my ultrasound. I'm having a girl, everything is great with the baby. I should be happy.
But how am I suppose to have a baby when I'm not getting better, I want to cry, but if I do I'll have a panic attack. If I don't I'm holding it in and trying to act happy when I'm not. Not at all.
If you know the song by- A perfect circle-called the outsider aka 13 step
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
You can do something about it....Your name says it all. Have faith...That every day you don't pick up that bottle your life will get better. Congratulations on your news...Get what support you need and do what you have to do for recovery....Have faith!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 259
Congratulations on your baby girl...Use that as your inspiration. Take deep, cleansing breaths and know that extra stress is not good for her. Heal for her, be her vessel toward a healthy entry into this world...You can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Congratulations on the baby-to-be. You can and will get strong and healthy for yourself and your daughter. She will know you as a strong and sober mother, and what a great gift that will be for her and for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Great news on your baby girl. I gather, however, that you are in the early stages of recovery?
Those first days, weeks and months are harrowing at best, debilitating at wrose, but oh so worth the trip.
I had to have a support group around me in the early stages of recovery and found help in the rooms of AA. There were pregnant women there struggling with their first few weeks abstaining from alcohol.
Pregnancy aside, I think we all go through that period of despair, anger, angst, depression, panic, insomnia, anxiety when we quit dealing with all of life's little and big issues by slugging down booze. We're alcoholics and drinking is what we do, it's how we handle every aspect of life. Take it away and we are just a mess. At least I was. In fact, it took me at least six months to recognize that sober means dealing with life on life's terms, not reaching for that bottle as soon as things get a little bumpy let alone the big whammies life can throw our way.
You're struggling, we at SR are here to tell you how we struggled, and how sobriety -- while not all ice cream and rainbows -- is an incredible reward.
Those first days, weeks and months are harrowing at best, debilitating at wrose, but oh so worth the trip.
I had to have a support group around me in the early stages of recovery and found help in the rooms of AA. There were pregnant women there struggling with their first few weeks abstaining from alcohol.
Pregnancy aside, I think we all go through that period of despair, anger, angst, depression, panic, insomnia, anxiety when we quit dealing with all of life's little and big issues by slugging down booze. We're alcoholics and drinking is what we do, it's how we handle every aspect of life. Take it away and we are just a mess. At least I was. In fact, it took me at least six months to recognize that sober means dealing with life on life's terms, not reaching for that bottle as soon as things get a little bumpy let alone the big whammies life can throw our way.
You're struggling, we at SR are here to tell you how we struggled, and how sobriety -- while not all ice cream and rainbows -- is an incredible reward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Thank God I Found this Website
Thank you all for the response. Seriously.
I haven't drank in about 9 months.
And haven't used Spice in over 6 months.
So I am discouraged to read posts on here of people feeling great and no anxiety now that they've stopped and I'm months off this stuff! But of course don't want to bring anyone down by saying I'm still not feeling right.
Have had a struggle with being put on meds, and now have stopped taking those. They weren't helping and feel like being sober means abstaining from anything. Then at the OB today after the ultrasound, I came out to the dr. during the consult about my recent struggle with my pancrease flaring up and taking pain meds, that that bothers me. For two reasons obviously.
I've gotten addicted to them in the past. After my battles with chemicals, I feel guilty for taking anything. And TWO I'm pregnant...
The dr. said he wants me to see a gasteroenterologist, and a neruologist and get chronic pain managment! Because he said my weight is a huge concern. If I am not eating because of the pain, it's better I be managed. And tells me at this point meds don't cause birth defects, that they only do in early stages. The only risk is the baby being dependent on them when born!
SO confused.
I haven't drank in about 9 months.
And haven't used Spice in over 6 months.
So I am discouraged to read posts on here of people feeling great and no anxiety now that they've stopped and I'm months off this stuff! But of course don't want to bring anyone down by saying I'm still not feeling right.
Have had a struggle with being put on meds, and now have stopped taking those. They weren't helping and feel like being sober means abstaining from anything. Then at the OB today after the ultrasound, I came out to the dr. during the consult about my recent struggle with my pancrease flaring up and taking pain meds, that that bothers me. For two reasons obviously.
I've gotten addicted to them in the past. After my battles with chemicals, I feel guilty for taking anything. And TWO I'm pregnant...
The dr. said he wants me to see a gasteroenterologist, and a neruologist and get chronic pain managment! Because he said my weight is a huge concern. If I am not eating because of the pain, it's better I be managed. And tells me at this point meds don't cause birth defects, that they only do in early stages. The only risk is the baby being dependent on them when born!
SO confused.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
I am so sorry you are struggling but you should be very proud of yourself and the discipline you are exhibiting. You are doing the very best thing for your beautiful daughter and your beautiful self. As hard as it seems right now it will be so worth it when that little girl first wraps her tiny hand around your finger.
Keep up the good fight, Warrior Mamma! You will win!
Keep up the good fight, Warrior Mamma! You will win!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Image~
Do you like the song Noose?
Started listening to that album while still drinking and using. When I started sobering up that song haunts me. I love it, and listening to it now. I don't think it's negatively coming down on us at all. But it will make me cry sometimes.
I do think Maynard is genius. The Noose is one of his favorites.
lyrics~
So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heavens help you cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead
Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead
With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
To choke you now
Do you like the song Noose?
Started listening to that album while still drinking and using. When I started sobering up that song haunts me. I love it, and listening to it now. I don't think it's negatively coming down on us at all. But it will make me cry sometimes.
I do think Maynard is genius. The Noose is one of his favorites.
lyrics~
So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heavens help you cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead
Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead
With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
But I'm more then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your
More then just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
To choke you now
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
So I am discouraged to read posts on here of people feeling great and no anxiety now that they've stopped and I'm months off this stuff!
It's easy to get discouraged but please don't be...bodies and minds can take time to heal...but things can and do get better provided we keep on the right road
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Thank you , thank you, thank you!
You know, it's kinda a wierd feeling....being able to post these feelings, and not so positive ones. And then to have people actually read, respond, and offer support.
People who are "normies" I just cannot relate to.
How do they do it? Why did we do what we have done?
Pointless questions I know. But without people like you all, how could I not feel like the lowest loser, undeserving of love?
You know, it's kinda a wierd feeling....being able to post these feelings, and not so positive ones. And then to have people actually read, respond, and offer support.
People who are "normies" I just cannot relate to.
How do they do it? Why did we do what we have done?
Pointless questions I know. But without people like you all, how could I not feel like the lowest loser, undeserving of love?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
a low self esteem feeds pretty well into an addiction I think...if we don;t think we;re worth fighting for, we won't....and the addictive part of us loves that...free range debauchery.
The fact is - you are worth fighting for - you and that little girl to be as well
I really believe you can do it
D
The fact is - you are worth fighting for - you and that little girl to be as well
I really believe you can do it
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
I know you are SO right. My self-esteem is HORRIBLE. It tells me pick up and use or kill yourself, on somedays. And I'd rather kill myself then put my family through that slow death and trauma, so that warped thinking tells me they'd be better off with me gone.
The lies oh the lies, my brain can conjure!
The lies oh the lies, my brain can conjure!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by havfaith 
I know you are SO right. My self-esteem is HORRIBLE. It tells me pick up and use or kill yourself, on somedays. And I'd rather kill myself then put my family through that slow death and trauma, so that warped thinking tells me they'd be better off with me gone.
The lies oh the lies, my brain can conjure!
The lies oh the lies, my brain can conjure!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Yeah, I understand what you are saying about keeping busy. In the beginning that was my BIGGEST coping mechanism. I'd wake up with a racing heart(if I slept at all)...and get my ass out of the house and just go somewhere to be around people even if just to circle k, until it was time for a meeting.
Then through this pregnancy, my body has been in so much pain and mentally the hormones have made this processes worse , and I no longer drive, I'm stuck at home ALOT.
Then through this pregnancy, my body has been in so much pain and mentally the hormones have made this processes worse , and I no longer drive, I'm stuck at home ALOT.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Call your AA helpline and see if they can help you get to meetings.....Maybe someone there lives near you and can help you out with rides...I was stuck at home a lot too...But it never stopped me from getting alcohol. I have a lady in my homegroup that went to meetings through her pregnancy and she had a beautiful baby girl about 5 months ago....She brings that kid everyday....What a wonderful thing to witness.
former walking pharmacy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Watertown, CT
Posts: 146
Havfaith,
I know 'the noose' as well. The entire album is very special to me as I began really listening to it when I first started thinking I might have a problem with booZe and drugs. The final song 'gravity' is really a masterpiece IMO, tho I know every song by heart and each has a special meaning to me. Do you listen to Tool or any other APC albums??
I know 'the noose' as well. The entire album is very special to me as I began really listening to it when I first started thinking I might have a problem with booZe and drugs. The final song 'gravity' is really a masterpiece IMO, tho I know every song by heart and each has a special meaning to me. Do you listen to Tool or any other APC albums??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 23
Image~
Yeah for sure. Tool is amazing, Maynard is amazing. I hear you on that album being very personal, I started listening to it as well when I first knew I had to do something but felt there was no way to do anything about it.
Tool's Sober of course is a good one that morphs into my perception, love the lyrics
" I will help to elevate you, Just enough to bring you down" ~ so true right?
3 Libras from AMotion is powerful
How far into recovery or working on recovery are you? If you don't want to say that's alright.
I know I need to find a way to get to meetings again, but there have been some issues with the meetings in my town, and NA meetings are only on weekends here, which right now I feel like I need NA, so I can talk about my other addictions. in AA they don't let you speak of your other isms. I have spoken up once or twice though to say ...Alcohol is a DRUG. Which it IS. Why do we always refer to Alcohol and drugs as though they are seperate??
Yeah for sure. Tool is amazing, Maynard is amazing. I hear you on that album being very personal, I started listening to it as well when I first knew I had to do something but felt there was no way to do anything about it.
Tool's Sober of course is a good one that morphs into my perception, love the lyrics
" I will help to elevate you, Just enough to bring you down" ~ so true right?
3 Libras from AMotion is powerful
How far into recovery or working on recovery are you? If you don't want to say that's alright.
I know I need to find a way to get to meetings again, but there have been some issues with the meetings in my town, and NA meetings are only on weekends here, which right now I feel like I need NA, so I can talk about my other addictions. in AA they don't let you speak of your other isms. I have spoken up once or twice though to say ...Alcohol is a DRUG. Which it IS. Why do we always refer to Alcohol and drugs as though they are seperate??
former walking pharmacy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Watertown, CT
Posts: 146
No worries; i'm a few months sober. I don't count days or go to AA; I just can't stop drinking when I start, so I don't any more (pretty simple program lol).
I've known i've had a problem for probably 5 or 6 years now and have been to AA/NA, seen a counselor,a psychiatrist , been in the recovery community basically the whole time, and finally, finally ended it. All of those things contributed to my recovery, btw; there was no single 'program.' My life has gotten a lot better even in the few months; i'm making lots of friends back, working full time, working out, eating better, and I feel and look so, so much better.
Some people can't drink. I'm one of them. If I want to have a full and productive life, I cannot drink. I WANT that life, so I don't drink. I guess I gave up trying to control it and just removed it from my life. Wasn't easy, and obviously had to change lots of behaviors and thought patterns and find motivation during a pretty low period, but it's completely, 100% worth it.
If I can give you any advice it's to use whatever parts of whatever programs you feel comfortable with and apply them. THE most important step is action. It's not easy, no one really said it was, but it's worth it. I think lots of people on this board can at least agree with that
I've known i've had a problem for probably 5 or 6 years now and have been to AA/NA, seen a counselor,a psychiatrist , been in the recovery community basically the whole time, and finally, finally ended it. All of those things contributed to my recovery, btw; there was no single 'program.' My life has gotten a lot better even in the few months; i'm making lots of friends back, working full time, working out, eating better, and I feel and look so, so much better.
Some people can't drink. I'm one of them. If I want to have a full and productive life, I cannot drink. I WANT that life, so I don't drink. I guess I gave up trying to control it and just removed it from my life. Wasn't easy, and obviously had to change lots of behaviors and thought patterns and find motivation during a pretty low period, but it's completely, 100% worth it.
If I can give you any advice it's to use whatever parts of whatever programs you feel comfortable with and apply them. THE most important step is action. It's not easy, no one really said it was, but it's worth it. I think lots of people on this board can at least agree with that
Last edited by Image101; 09-07-2012 at 02:24 PM. Reason: added a smiley :)
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