wow04

I posted this in the 12 step forum, but I wanted feedback from family members also. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict with over 9 years clean and my boyfriend is a recovering addict with over 3 years clean.

So I get a text from boyfriend's daughter last night. She knows when her dad is at a meeting and when I am at a meeting. She is 18 years old and lives about 45 minutes away. Here is the conversation:

Her: Has dad left for his meeting?
Me: Yes, everything okay?
Her: Yeah. If I tell you something will you keep it between us?
Me: I will try. If it is something I think that needs to be told, I will have to tell.
Her: I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell dad.
Me: Honey, I am sorry I can't promise that.
Her: I think I have problem with drinking and smoking pot.
Me: Why do you think that?
Her: I want to drink all the time, so I pawn the baby off on someone. I smoke pot all day. D (her boyfriend) works 40 hrs a week and still has to give plasma so we have enough money to buy pot and alcohol.
Me: Do you really want to stop?
Her: I don't know. I just don't want to be a bad mom and I feel I am by pawning the baby off every weekend.
Me: Have you tried to stop?
Her: No
Me: I am always here to help you, if you really want to stop. You have to be serious about it.
Her: Okay, well baby needs to eat. Thanks, love you.
Me: Anytime. Love you too.

So I called my sponsor right away. She said I needed to tell my bf. When he got home I showed him the texts. He went in the other room and called his sponsor. He came out and said we can no longer enable her. I said I didn't think we were.

His sponsor stated by us watching the baby we are enabling his daughter to drink and drug. I understand him listening to his sponsor and I usually back him in these decisions. I disagreed so I called my sponsor. My sponser said she sees nothing wrong with us keeping the baby as we don't see her very often.

I want to help her when she is ready to stop. I know a bunch of women who can and would help her, but I know it is worthless unless she is ready. As for the enabling, is keeping the baby enabling her?

GardenMama

The baby has no say in the matter, she just needs to be cared for by sober adults. I can't see how that is enabling. I get the babysitting part, and that she said she's pawning the baby off in order to use, but she's also probably using in the presence of the baby, too. If it were me, I'd separate the well-being of the baby from the enabling of your daughter. She's asking for help big time by texting you this, and it is likely worse than she is fessing up to...Keep your eye on that baby!

wow04

As a recovering addict, I know she isn't being honest on how much she is using. I know when I was using I sugar coated how much I used, even when asking for help.

My heart goes out to all addicts who are using, I am sure that is because of my own addiction. I also know that people enabling me made it so I could use longer.

I feel as though this baby needs my boyfriend and I even more now.

Freedom1990

^I agree.

AlwaysGrowing

Such a difficult place to be. How does one make sure the baby is ok and not enable someone else. I really think it comes down to what each can live with and I would pray long and lots about this decision. Both of you need to be prepared to live with any decision which ripples may come from it. There are options, temp custody, total shut off, normal spending time with the baby with NO out of the way services due to parities, drama etc..
I would 100% suggest BOTH of you need should be total agreement.

bjames

Well... maybe. But what's more important... the safety and welfare of a baby or the possibility that you're enabling her?? I'd watch the baby for sure.

wow04

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. We talked and decided that we are keeping the relationship with baby different than the relationship with the daughter. If we are able and want to we are keeping the baby. So we will have the baby this weekend!