i think i just got rejected by a crackhead

Old 09-05-2012, 05:45 PM
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i think i just got rejected by a crackhead

I need a little support now...esp some perspective from people who understand recovery..
My husband is 100 days clean and gung ho in recovery
He does like 5 meetings, book study, outpatient..sponsor...etc and is always throwing recovery concepts around
we've been fighting over a trip he hid from me with his old friends that still use... he says his sponsor is ok with it and he has a plan. he refused to discuss trip with me... it was non negotiable.
I left for a week vacation we were not on best of terms but ok
i check his phone... he called an escort 3 nights into trip (i don't trust him.. was actually just looking for dealers number)

I couldn't handle and broke up with him over email.
He at first wouldn't admit escort... but talked about how i needed more alanon meetings and how he found me an alanon sponsor....
then he talked about how my need to be a martyr has destroyed the relationship as much as his narcissm...i believed in him for a year and kept on trying to get him into recovery

I had a soft moment and said if he wanted to try brutal honesty and counseling.. we could try.. but he would still have to move out.
He REFUSED....said this conversation was putting him in him a bad place and his recovery comes first....

Im cutting him off... I don't know this monster... to add insult to injury.. he is going to try to get money in divorce (he won't get anything... we lived apart most of marriage and he had income) he is in the process of moving our

what the hell just happened to me? its almost like the recovery 12 step stuff has made it worse... Im done... i just need perspective on what the hell happened... oh he is clean of any substances... they **** test him weekly at his outpatient.
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Old 09-05-2012, 05:49 PM
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Last thing.. our marriage (as mentioned in another post) was built on a lie. he didn't tell me about drugs until after we got married. i just don't get this... Is this normal in early recovery?!! I get that i have to let him go.
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Old 09-05-2012, 05:58 PM
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I am sorry, however, this marriage was over before it even started. There is nothing "normal" about dealing with an addict, in recovery or not and he is a cheater to boot.

Don't beat yourself up, he is doing you a favor, you were trying to get him to move out, now he is going to on his own, saves you alot of heartache.

Keep posting it will help.
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Old 09-05-2012, 05:58 PM
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((oneday)) - Sounds to me like he's talking the talk but not walking the walk. I'm a recovering crackhead and the LAST people I'd want to be around are people who still use, even after 5-1/2 years in recovery. He's lied to you, he got an escort or was calling his dealer?

Recovery involves changing one's behavior, changing the people/places/things you associate with your DOC (drug of choice).

I don't know how early he is in recovery, but I can tell you that from day one, I was holding myself accountable and trying to prove to my loved ones that they COULD trust me and it still took a few months before they did.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like he's using "recovery speak" without actually doing the work that is involved in recovery.

Focus on you, sweetie, and what you want out of life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-05-2012, 05:59 PM
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Deep breath.

I'm no expert but it sounds to me like he is either using or very close to it.

Honey, he is still operating like an addict.

I know there were many times I left my xa house saying to myself, what just happened here.

Do you have support????

You asked if this was normal for early recovery, yes, it's normal, chaos is normal with addicts.

I do think he has a good smoke screen going, there are drugs that can't be detected in drug tests. I think he;s using.
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:06 PM
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The phone records just show the calls to escort.
Not dealer...
i appreciate the replies...very much

oh and i don't mean crackhead in a derogatory way except for him as that's how he describes himself and Im in a place of anger now

That's brilliant... still operating like an addict.. i get that
i know i need to run.. i just feel blinded
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:13 PM
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Regardless if he is using or not it sounds as though he is not being respectful of your marriage. If you were uncomfortable with him going on a trip with his friends regardless of who they are then that should of been disgust. In a healthy marriage you must talk and come to conclusions that sit well with both parties.

IMO if the buddies he was going on the trip with were known users he wouldn't of put himself in that position to begin with. I believe his sponsor would of talked to him about whether or not that was the best situation for him to be in esp after only 100 days clean.

Does your gut say he's using again? Does his actions match his words?

Addicts are great at passing drug tests. I would keep your eyes open! Normally when it quakes like a duck its a duck!

What are you doing for you? You can't control him . . . you can only control how you react to him!
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:32 PM
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I think that one of the (many) things that helped me to separate from my ex was hearing what other men who were in recovery from crack would say about the women that had been with them during their active use

somehow I got it in my head that they felt so low, worthless and disgusted with themselves that they had no respect for the woman that would have wanted to be with them...and because of the nature of codependency and such they could often deflect and, once they had a little recovery under their belt, start saying how sick "she" was to have loved someone so despicable.

I may never know the truth of the behaviors of my ex while he was using (sex or whatever)...but HE does, and if he is so self disgusted then it seems natural to be somehow disgusted with someone who cared about someone so disgusting...make sense? LOL

I was determined NOT to start taking on that role in his mind...in his twisted way of turning things around. I, too, started to hear little criticisms of my program (I am almost seven years sober and now two years in recovery with codependency!) yet he would fingerpoint at any defects/chinks in my program, he would rage at my imperfections when it came to being a holier than thou person...I was supposed to accept and forgive,
but I could tell I was turning into a crackhead codependent...in HIS mind!!! haha

this post may sound bizarre...

what happened is that as I started getting better and realizing what I was involved in I could see more clearly the manipulation. he blamed me for my pain and sorrow, and used it as an excuse to belittle my capacity for recovery and as an excuse for him not being successful at recovery.

OUT, freedom!
recovery means taking your OWN inventory!
the addict doesn't get to do it for you!
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:46 PM
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((oneday)) - I call MYSELF a recovering crackhead, so I don't think of it as derogatory or anything like that.

One delicate thing I do want to recommend. If you've been intimate with him, it would be a really good idea to see your dr. and be checked for STD's.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-05-2012, 08:51 PM
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"this is not what recovery looks like.." I feel this in my gut but was so turned around today i actually wasn't sure....i am getting std screen this week

Leslie... That post was not bizarre .... it was an eloquent and clear explanation of a perverse and twisted explanation.....its like we are dating the same guy.... he criticized me over everything.. even how i talk to my friends..... He criticized everyone in his program for how they worked their recovery.... its insane.... its really really twisted and its getting worse the more recovery he gets....
Self loathing.. wow.
I get it.... this disease is really really cunning and baffling...
U are correct... the better i got and the more i stood my ground on thing that i could not tolerate... the crueler he became.... he has a long long road... I realize that for me to my "support" his recovery would equal destroying my self respect and spirit and do him no good...
I used to think that things would get better when he did recovery .... i see now that recovery and staying clean are not even the beginning... and that detachment is for my survival.... thank you everybody...
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Old 09-05-2012, 09:07 PM
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Holy crap... just checked phone... he just relapsed... You were all right..
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Old 09-05-2012, 09:57 PM
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yep.....it was coming that was for sure. When I first read the title to your thread my first thought was "lucky girl". Earlier today I actually told my counselor that I wished that my ex would have relapsed early on so that our relationship would have/could have ended before so much damage was done.

I know that it's hard....I really do......but I'm glad that you got the information that you need to protect yourself (emotionally and physically). It's really tough to go through all of this, I know. My ex is a crack addict and the sex is definitely a concurrent thing for a whole lot of users.

You might be reeling for a bit as the dust settles but I hope that you are able to reach a place of gratitude sooner rather than later that you have dodged a bullet in the long run. Addiction is a tragedy - but there is nothing that we can do to keep the people that we care about from doing what they are going to do.

Your tag line has become even more important.......don't forget it.....you must let go of the life you imagined....in order to have the life that is waiting for you.....
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Old 09-05-2012, 11:01 PM
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Thank God for AA... i didn't know what to do so i called his sponsor and he is going to try and get him out of my house. he will bring other aa members if needed... thank God for these boards...
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Old 09-05-2012, 11:56 PM
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Thank you lightseeker.... its a tragedy
i hope it will be a blessing one day
i will have my home back soon

i feel like i need to just get some peace for a little while
these ups and downs are just making me crazy
I've been saying the serenity prayer over and over
that and posting and reading this board are keeping me sane..
Im grateful today for the support from this community, my friends, and my husbands sponsor.
I am grateful that i have the strength to choose not to have a using addict in my home and someone who treats me badly in my life... sober or clean... no matter how much i love them
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:12 AM
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My husband is 100 days clean and gung ho in recovery
He does like 5 meetings, book study, outpatient..sponsor...etc and is always throwing recovery concepts around
I can relate to this. My AXGF, in her pink cloud days, was doing a lot of this stuff. But in the end, it was just for show. There was no change in her behavior, or her attitudes. An addict not using but not in recovery is a very dangerous person. Case in point:

Holy crap... just checked phone... he just relapsed... You were all right..
There's a lot of good input in this thread. Now's the time to use your wise mind and to do what is necessary to protect yourself.

Be safe,
ZoSo
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:42 AM
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A selfish entitled person doesn't stop being selfish and entitled just because they stopped one selfish thing (drugs) they felt entitled to do.

I found that out with AH. And it is unlikely you have been permanently dumped, in my experience addicts will keep coming back to the well to see if there is anything left.
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Old 09-06-2012, 10:38 AM
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it is actually, literally, crazy making...the emotional trauma of loving someone who is struggling with addiction

to break away means that one needs to face the grief of the end of the relationship which is an emotional process.

but to stay in a place of emotional danger is to continue being subjected to trauma
trauma, recurring, untreated, creates craziness
ptsd, borderline symptoms, paranoia, fear, doubt, suspicion, instability...etc etc etc

it literally IS crazy making

when I finally realized the profound impact on my own long term well being over the affects of being with someone who smoked crack...
who was an active addict
I finally realized why I wanted to save myself

I did not want to continue down the spiral into more insanity.

freedom, healing and peace to you.
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Old 09-06-2012, 11:22 PM
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Erica.. you are right... he sent a pitiful email telling me he relapsed and how miserable he was..
I replied with.. "just let me know when you have moved out"

You know... in reading these boards for almost a year... I've absorbed the concept of no contact and even done it for a few 2 or 3 week periods
Your point Leslie is well taken...to remain in any time of relationship with him is to deepen the trauma and perpetuate the literal crazy making

i am so tired and sometimes i feel i don't even know which end is up.
I think by going no contact i will give myself the space to assess the damage... i don't even know how much damage has been done to my heart and my spirit...

Stepping back from a year of watching the roller coaster of Addiction and recovery....
I am now FINALLY beginning to understand step 1.... I have no control over this thing and my life is not manageable.... for heavens sake im sleeping in a hotel 2 miles from my home for the 10th time in a year because of addiction and my failure to control it or have any impact on it at all... ZERO.

When i was a newbie... if u had told me that my love, support, suffering, research, and compassion would have no impact on him but make me a crazy person who couldn't think rationally at times and was starting to question my goodness as a person and personalize things that had nothing to do with me a(i literally had the thought... "what does the escort have that i don't) i would never have believed you. i would have understood but not believed... had to learn the hard way. addiction was making me into a shell of myself... and i don't drink or use.

No contact... just comitting to that is a relief...Dolly was right... Posting and sharing help.
much love to everyone tonight
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Old 09-07-2012, 02:45 AM
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YOu will heal oneday66.

We care!
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:02 AM
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So sad to read. As i was reading, i was thinking "this guy isn't in recovery", its more than not using, its about changing the way you act and think.
As it turns out he was lying about being clean(was probable). It makes me upset as well. I look at the people in the rooms who took there recovery seriously, and are building/have built great lives. And people who claim to be working the program to manipulate others,,, arghh it makes me angry.
Wishing you all the best oneday66.
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