It took a marrage to an alcholic to see I was an ACOA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
It took a marrage to an alcholic to see I was an ACOA
Seriously! I just separated, and soon to be divorced from my AW of 1.5 years.
I always knew my dad's addictions had an effect on me. But I have always been responsible. My only addictions ate coffee and cigarettes. I have since my mid 20's been able to drink in moderation, I don't even like more than one drink. And I quit all the hard drugs when I was a teen.
I was blinded to the fact that my dads addictions and actions were still effecting me.
Just a little background, I'm the oldest of 4 siblings, the youngest being 7 years younger than me. My dad was the first to give all of us alcohol. And the first to give us harder drugs, like meth and he even gave us LSD, me at the age of 14 and my youngest sibling at the age of 9. I spent most of my teen years doing what ever drug I could get my hands on.
As a preface to that, my parents were married when I was 4 and raised us in a strict, almost cult like, Christian home. When they got divorced, I was 12. And all the structure we had was gone. My mom, at that time was a stay at home mom, who home schooled all of us kids. My father, who my have been abusing pain pills, rarely drank, and owned a successful business.
All of that changed after their divorce. My mom went to work, and the to school. My dad let his business run in to the ground. I for reasons I can't remember went to live with my dad, while my younger siblings lived with my mom.
My dad passed away 4 years ago. All of my siblings were in the hospital room when he took his last breath. He had been telling us for years he was dieing. We never believed him. To me it seemed like he was himself one week and the next he was incoherent and on his deathbed.
With in an hour of his death all of us, his children, went out and had dinner. I'm sure a few of us cried at the hospital. But we all managed to go out ans eat. It wasn't a celebration. I know that for me it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Two years after that, I meet my dad....I mean my future wife. I didn't realize at the time, I wish I had, that she was an alcoholic.
Everything seemed good. Or maybe it was just what I was use to. So we got engaged about 8 months into our relationship. Not knowing what I know now about addiction, I saw she had a problem soon after we got engaged. I thought I could love her throuh it.
Less than a year after we got married she cheated on my for the first time. That almost ended it there. But it was never really delt with. I was too obsessed with trying to get her to stop drinking, and covering up het drinking.
It has been a little over a month since she told me she was in love with another man. That was the final straw. She still wanted me to stay with her. I'm not sure what her plan was, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.
That is what brought me to search out why I am the way I am. That is what brought be hete. I'm not the responsible person I thought I was. I can't hold the world together. I can only work to make my self a better person. And right now I am trying to learn who I am and why I think like I do.
Thanks for reading my story. I think I said more than I planed, yet left out half of what I wanted to say.
I always knew my dad's addictions had an effect on me. But I have always been responsible. My only addictions ate coffee and cigarettes. I have since my mid 20's been able to drink in moderation, I don't even like more than one drink. And I quit all the hard drugs when I was a teen.
I was blinded to the fact that my dads addictions and actions were still effecting me.
Just a little background, I'm the oldest of 4 siblings, the youngest being 7 years younger than me. My dad was the first to give all of us alcohol. And the first to give us harder drugs, like meth and he even gave us LSD, me at the age of 14 and my youngest sibling at the age of 9. I spent most of my teen years doing what ever drug I could get my hands on.
As a preface to that, my parents were married when I was 4 and raised us in a strict, almost cult like, Christian home. When they got divorced, I was 12. And all the structure we had was gone. My mom, at that time was a stay at home mom, who home schooled all of us kids. My father, who my have been abusing pain pills, rarely drank, and owned a successful business.
All of that changed after their divorce. My mom went to work, and the to school. My dad let his business run in to the ground. I for reasons I can't remember went to live with my dad, while my younger siblings lived with my mom.
My dad passed away 4 years ago. All of my siblings were in the hospital room when he took his last breath. He had been telling us for years he was dieing. We never believed him. To me it seemed like he was himself one week and the next he was incoherent and on his deathbed.
With in an hour of his death all of us, his children, went out and had dinner. I'm sure a few of us cried at the hospital. But we all managed to go out ans eat. It wasn't a celebration. I know that for me it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Two years after that, I meet my dad....I mean my future wife. I didn't realize at the time, I wish I had, that she was an alcoholic.
Everything seemed good. Or maybe it was just what I was use to. So we got engaged about 8 months into our relationship. Not knowing what I know now about addiction, I saw she had a problem soon after we got engaged. I thought I could love her throuh it.
Less than a year after we got married she cheated on my for the first time. That almost ended it there. But it was never really delt with. I was too obsessed with trying to get her to stop drinking, and covering up het drinking.
It has been a little over a month since she told me she was in love with another man. That was the final straw. She still wanted me to stay with her. I'm not sure what her plan was, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.
That is what brought me to search out why I am the way I am. That is what brought be hete. I'm not the responsible person I thought I was. I can't hold the world together. I can only work to make my self a better person. And right now I am trying to learn who I am and why I think like I do.
Thanks for reading my story. I think I said more than I planed, yet left out half of what I wanted to say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome android1. I'm sorry you had to go through this all. But it sounds like you are now ready to start your journey, good for you. I understand the relief you all felt when your father died, and I understand not believing he was at death's door. This is a great place to start your healing. Try reading the stickies above the posts they really have a lot of great information and has helped me a lot. Don't expect any of your siblings to follow this path with you, they may come later or not at all. But it's you that you should concentrate on now.
I found it helpful to write out the missing parts you mentioned, in the blogs that are available here to each of us. Please feel free to read mine and others.
I found it helpful to write out the missing parts you mentioned, in the blogs that are available here to each of us. Please feel free to read mine and others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by android1 
It has been a little over a month since she told me she was in love with another man. That was the final straw. She still wanted me to stay with her. I'm not sure what her plan was, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.
It seemed to me that your wife is trying to use you as a 'safety net' just in case the relationship with the new man does not work.
If it works, she leaves you. If not, she still have you ie, she wants her cake and eat it too.
Im glad you did not stick around to find out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Hi android1, I'm in a somewhat similar situation although our circumstances are very different.
In the last 3 months or so I've realized that my RAH's alcoholism has triggered all kinds of things from my childhood with AF that I thought I had already dealt with. (RAH is sober 1 full year now so I think I'm only just feeling secure enough to dive this deep.)
It has been eye-opening to say the least & honestly, I'm a little stunned sometimes & still digesting it all. Some of the issues are things that I HAVE dealt with, but I am seeing them from a different perspective now as a wife & not a daughter. I told my best friend that it started out like I had an emotional closet I needed to clean out to continue in my own therapy/program, but when I opened the door I found an entire extra wing on the house I didn't know existed. I've worked on bringing up some suppressed memories that didn't seem relevant before. Now that I've opened the 1st door, I've have the most random things bubble up from the most unusual triggers!
In the last 3 months or so I've realized that my RAH's alcoholism has triggered all kinds of things from my childhood with AF that I thought I had already dealt with. (RAH is sober 1 full year now so I think I'm only just feeling secure enough to dive this deep.)
It has been eye-opening to say the least & honestly, I'm a little stunned sometimes & still digesting it all. Some of the issues are things that I HAVE dealt with, but I am seeing them from a different perspective now as a wife & not a daughter. I told my best friend that it started out like I had an emotional closet I needed to clean out to continue in my own therapy/program, but when I opened the door I found an entire extra wing on the house I didn't know existed. I've worked on bringing up some suppressed memories that didn't seem relevant before. Now that I've opened the 1st door, I've have the most random things bubble up from the most unusual triggers!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
