what a situation i've got myself into...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Somewhere, USA
Posts: 4
what a situation i've got myself into...
Hi, i'm an alcoholic and an addict, sober 33 days. Been in the progam about 60 days. I live with an alcoholic who is not sober.
We've been having problems and having serious talks of divorce. He thinks I have a drug problem but can still drink. He doesn't understand that if I get drunk, I will do drugs.
He has finally come out and said I have to choose between AA and him. He thinks if I set my mind to it I can stay off drugs but drink with him and be fine.
I'm at such a loss at this point. I don't want to choose and it's unfair to even ask me to do it, but life ain't fair.
What would you do for the person you love? I'm at work right now and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I don't know what to do, can't get a hold of my sponsor and I'm supposed to be going home in about an hour.
Your experience, strength, hope would be appreciated.
Freaking Out--sprngbreez
We've been having problems and having serious talks of divorce. He thinks I have a drug problem but can still drink. He doesn't understand that if I get drunk, I will do drugs.
He has finally come out and said I have to choose between AA and him. He thinks if I set my mind to it I can stay off drugs but drink with him and be fine.
I'm at such a loss at this point. I don't want to choose and it's unfair to even ask me to do it, but life ain't fair.
What would you do for the person you love? I'm at work right now and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I don't know what to do, can't get a hold of my sponsor and I'm supposed to be going home in about an hour.
Your experience, strength, hope would be appreciated.
Freaking Out--sprngbreez
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 31
Hey there,
First of all calm down - no need to freak out!!
You need to be number 1 right now - you need to take care of yourself. The choice, although not easy, must be to take care of yourself first.
I sent you a PM!!
LOL, Ann
First of all calm down - no need to freak out!!
You need to be number 1 right now - you need to take care of yourself. The choice, although not easy, must be to take care of yourself first.
I sent you a PM!!
LOL, Ann
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Wow that is a hard one! I don't understand why he has given you this ultimatum. I think he perhaps is envious of the program helping you. Our loved one and partners often seem to become jealous of our programs. They are jealous and hurt because they think they should be enough for us. The old " If you really love me.... " thing. Maybe he could try al-anon and see that you need this program to be able to be the person you want to be. Sometimes relationships are founded on our party lifestyle and when sober we gain a whole new perspective. He can't force you to drink and I can't see why he can not accept you don't anymore, but can still find a way to enjoy each other. Does he have a problem?
We can't tell you how to make this decision but we can tell you your sobriety should come first.. no matter what is thrown at us. Maybe he just needs to be reassured he's important but so is your program. Difficult to say, but you have my support.
We can't tell you how to make this decision but we can tell you your sobriety should come first.. no matter what is thrown at us. Maybe he just needs to be reassured he's important but so is your program. Difficult to say, but you have my support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Chy, Yes the post says he is active A.
I have a female friend in similar situation, tho she doesnt want recovery...yet.
My friend, will call her woman, is married to, conicidentally enough, Man. Both drink to excess and then some. He constantly enables her behavior, making sure she eats, even tho she doesnt want to. I thought it was cus he wanted her healthy,,turned out he didnt want her getting sick or too wasted that the party would have to end early!
She admitts she is alcoholic, tho doesnt want to stop. He tells her she is not and to stop saying that. He clearly prefers to denie her addiction to avoide HIS own.
When the party is over for the person who wants it to be, it interrupts the party for the still active A.
Bottom line.....the program says to get away from people, places, things of the old ideal,,,,,its a life or death choice...Good Luck,SB...
I have a female friend in similar situation, tho she doesnt want recovery...yet.
My friend, will call her woman, is married to, conicidentally enough, Man. Both drink to excess and then some. He constantly enables her behavior, making sure she eats, even tho she doesnt want to. I thought it was cus he wanted her healthy,,turned out he didnt want her getting sick or too wasted that the party would have to end early!
She admitts she is alcoholic, tho doesnt want to stop. He tells her she is not and to stop saying that. He clearly prefers to denie her addiction to avoide HIS own.
When the party is over for the person who wants it to be, it interrupts the party for the still active A.
Bottom line.....the program says to get away from people, places, things of the old ideal,,,,,its a life or death choice...Good Luck,SB...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Sprngbreez
I understand how you are feeling right now, I had some similar problems with my wife when I got sober.
a couple things that helped me, were to remember that often people say things they don't really mean when they are scared.
another thing, was my sponsor told me no major changes the first year, and that included divorce.
I had to take my relationship one day at a time just like my sobriety,
I would pray daily, that if we are meant to be together than so be it, and if were meant to part ways then so be it, I asked my HP for guidance, my wife didn't drink or use, but she was full of resentment towards me for all the things I had done, and she was also feeling like an AA widow, to make a long story short, she ended up getting help too, and were still together.
sometimes the best we can do is lead by example, my sobriety has to come first, and over time things have worked out.
I understand how you are feeling right now, I had some similar problems with my wife when I got sober.
a couple things that helped me, were to remember that often people say things they don't really mean when they are scared.
another thing, was my sponsor told me no major changes the first year, and that included divorce.
I had to take my relationship one day at a time just like my sobriety,
I would pray daily, that if we are meant to be together than so be it, and if were meant to part ways then so be it, I asked my HP for guidance, my wife didn't drink or use, but she was full of resentment towards me for all the things I had done, and she was also feeling like an AA widow, to make a long story short, she ended up getting help too, and were still together.
sometimes the best we can do is lead by example, my sobriety has to come first, and over time things have worked out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Kansas City,Mo
Posts: 478
Sprngbreez,
I would have to agree with others that your sobriety has to come first.
Does he have a problem with drinking?
I know that must be hard to try and stay sober while he remains to drink.
Maybe he is scared that if you stay sober he might have to stop also,and maybe he isnt ready for that yet.
Hang in there.....we are all here for you.
I would have to agree with others that your sobriety has to come first.
Does he have a problem with drinking?
I know that must be hard to try and stay sober while he remains to drink.
Maybe he is scared that if you stay sober he might have to stop also,and maybe he isnt ready for that yet.
Hang in there.....we are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Re: what a situation i've got myself into...
Originally posted by Sprngbreez
Hi, i'm an alcoholic and an addict, sober 33 days. Been in the progam about 60 days. I live with an alcoholic who is not sober.
We've been having problems and having serious talks of divorce. He thinks I have a drug problem but can still drink. He doesn't understand that if I get drunk, I will do drugs.
He has finally come out and said I have to choose between AA and him. He thinks if I set my mind to it I can stay off drugs but drink with him and be fine.
I'm at such a loss at this point. I don't want to choose and it's unfair to even ask me to do it, but life ain't fair.
What would you do for the person you love? I'm at work right now and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I don't know what to do, can't get a hold of my sponsor and I'm supposed to be going home in about an hour.
Your experience, strength, hope would be appreciated.
Freaking Out--sprngbreez
Hi, i'm an alcoholic and an addict, sober 33 days. Been in the progam about 60 days. I live with an alcoholic who is not sober.
We've been having problems and having serious talks of divorce. He thinks I have a drug problem but can still drink. He doesn't understand that if I get drunk, I will do drugs.
He has finally come out and said I have to choose between AA and him. He thinks if I set my mind to it I can stay off drugs but drink with him and be fine.
I'm at such a loss at this point. I don't want to choose and it's unfair to even ask me to do it, but life ain't fair.
What would you do for the person you love? I'm at work right now and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
I don't know what to do, can't get a hold of my sponsor and I'm supposed to be going home in about an hour.
Your experience, strength, hope would be appreciated.
Freaking Out--sprngbreez
Hi Sprngbreez, And Congratulations on your 33 days, thats FANTASTIC.
We've been having problems and having serious talks of divorce. He thinks I have a drug problem but can still drink. He doesn't understand that if I get drunk, I will do drugs.
This isn't about choosing him over AA..... this is about choosing YOUR life, over YOUR death. This isn't about you loving HIM, this is about YOU loving YOU.
Put YOU and your sobriety FIRST. When you begin to put priorities in the correct slot, I believe that you will see what is happening here.
This man is afraid of losing his "drug buddy", this isn't about love, this is about "ADDICTION"..... plain and simple.
Think of it this way: How much does this man love you if he is willing to co-sign YOUR DEATH?
I have been right where you are at, and done this. With help from my sponsor, and those who genuinely cared about me and my sobriety, I learned to separate out what my priorities are, and put them in the correct slots, so that I COULD STAY ALIVE, and learn to love ME.
Think....Think.....Think. This is a man who isn't interested in whether you live or die. His priorities are all screwed up because HIS DISEASE is doing the thinking, the choosing and making ALL his decisions for him.
Make the correct choice sprngbreeze...... Choose TO LIVE, and do it for YOU. Take him out of the decision process completely, and ask yourself one question. Do I want to LIVE or do I want to DIE? And then ACT on the answer to that question.
It is NEVER ever a wise choice to put the above decision into the hands of a drug addict who's decisions are being made for him by HIS DISEASE.
His biggest fear right now is not that YOU will live or die, his biggest fear is losing HIS drug buddy.
Ask your HP to help YOU to choose with HIS HELP and keep your HP, YOUR SOBRIETY AND YOU.........in the number one slot.
God Bless, and yes I have had to make this choice, and I CHOSE TO LIVE......sober, happy, and free from this disease in all its forms. He doesn't have to understand at all that you are an alcoholic and drug addict.......... YOU DO.
Love,
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Spring,
I have to second what Patsy said. This is all about him losing his buddy. He's probably scared to death that if you stay sober, sooner or later, he's going to have to do something about himself.
I don't believe in giving ultimatums. I don't believe in your case you have to accept the untimatum. Make your own choice based on what you want for you, not what he wants. My wife and I were in the same situation 28 years ago when she came into AA and left me on my own. I did go to Al-anon and a year later I came into AA when the time came. Point being, you can get healthy, set a positive example and whichever way things turn out, you'll be able to handle it with help from your new friends. Your relationship carries no guarantees whether you're drinking and drugging or not, so take care of yourself. You hubby will do whatever he does.
I have to second what Patsy said. This is all about him losing his buddy. He's probably scared to death that if you stay sober, sooner or later, he's going to have to do something about himself.
I don't believe in giving ultimatums. I don't believe in your case you have to accept the untimatum. Make your own choice based on what you want for you, not what he wants. My wife and I were in the same situation 28 years ago when she came into AA and left me on my own. I did go to Al-anon and a year later I came into AA when the time came. Point being, you can get healthy, set a positive example and whichever way things turn out, you'll be able to handle it with help from your new friends. Your relationship carries no guarantees whether you're drinking and drugging or not, so take care of yourself. You hubby will do whatever he does.
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