JG13

My A brother has been living with me and my kids for 8 years. He moved in to help me as I am a single mom. He has destroyed us though.

It got to the point, finally, where I felt strong enough to tell him to move out a couple months ago and he did. Only he keeps coming back. We, unfortunately, are still intertwined because of the kids and finances.

He keeps asking to come over when me and the kids aren't home so he can watch tv or something and I have a hard time saying no and he ends up staying after we do get home. And ultimately it leads to an argument or some sort of rant about how sorry he feels for himself.

I would really like to get him out of my life for good but I feel weak for not being able to say no to his pleas.

Every time I hear his voice or see him I go into a funk and I keep telling myself that my happiness is important but it seems I really haven't completely convinced myself.

I also have a hard time because 1 of my kids is still attached to him. My oldest can't stand him because of the way he talks to him and is always accusing him of lying, but my little one isn't old enough to know better. Plus, he gives my little one anything he wants while treating the others horribly.

I didn't realize it would be this hard to get him out of my life! I know what I should do, but don't know why I just can't bring myself to do it.

Any advice or stories that could help me?

dollydo

Your kids will get over it, change your locks and go no contact with him.

My story is not with a brother, however, you are the captain of your own ship, his influence on your children is not good for them in the long run, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. It is your responsibility to set a good example for them.

Katiekate

It doesn't sound healthy.

It sounds like he is manipulating you.

I agree, going no contact, do it for a couple of weeks anyway.

You might like it. It won't be easy, but it sounds like it might help.

You son that is attached to your brother, may be as co dependent as you are.

Close relationships with alcoholics are always very twisted. I hate to say it, but I don't think I am wrong.

Please keep posting. Take a vacation from it. Get educated about alcoholism and co dependency. There is a ton of info here on the forum.

JG13

I have had days that I haven't seen him and only spoken to him minimally and felt the freedom. It was amazing. I did worry some, but overall it just felt like so much weight was off my shoulders and I became a much better mother.

Katiekate, I agree with all that you said. I just need to learn not to let him come over and manipulate me. That seems to be the harder thing.
I can say, I have quit "mothering" him and that alone has helped.
I just wonder, is this something that happens sometimes by gradual steps? Or is it easier or better to cut off all at once?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

It is in your best interest to go No Contact immediately. Learn to say No.
Practice with one of your older children. Role play and practice saying : "no."

Everytime you allow any feedback from your brother, you are exposing yourself to more manipulations and lies. Cut him off immediately.

Oh, and this:

No is a complete sentence.

NWGRITS

Clean break, no looking back. Go NC for at least a couple of weeks. Take that time to think about what YOU deserve, and especially what your CHILDREN deserve. My mother's been drinking longer than I've been alive, and I can tell you that trying to undo the damage of growing up with an alcoholic influence is hard and it takes years. I'm 29 now and I still have a long way to go, but going NC with my AM is the best thing I ever did for myself.

Katiekate

I just wonder, is this something that happens sometimes by gradual steps? Or is it easier or better to cut off all at once?

Gradual steps never worked for me. My co dependent self would get sucked in everytime.

I had to cut it right off, and then go through withdrawal. I needed support, my counselor, who specializes in addiction was so important in the early day, I'm still stuggling but so much more at peace these days.

Outside support may be key.

JG13

Thank you again for you advice. I had to work overnight last night and my A brother watched the kids for me. I find out this morning when I got home, he didn't feed the kids (thankfully, they are old enough to microwave stuff in the freezer) and he ate a 5 pack of steaks all by himself. Didn't give the kids any!
He was appalled when I told him to leave and not come back (before I found out about the food) because I could tell he had been drinking the night before. My stomach was in knots all night worried about the kids and I certainly didn't want to see his face now.
So, this is still a work in progress but I just get kept thinking today about all your advice and it really gave me comfort!

thanks again!!!