seriynochi

So, my AH has had a summer job in the tourism industry where he's pretty much partied the past 4 months. It's coming to a close and he has to go back to his "real" job in healthcare. The summer has been kind of awful for me because he's been drunk the whole time and not treating me well.. not being abusive but being emotionally absent, immature, etc. We've been married for 3 years and his drinking has definitely worsened over this summer, but I keep hoping that it will get better once he's removed from the frat party environment.

I'm back in our apartment and he's camping out the next month or so before he comes home for good. I've been here a week by myself and (dare I say it) it's been really nice being alone. Our relationship has gotten so strained I don't really even care anymore. I've got about a year or so of school left and under the advice of his own dad/stepmom I might stick it out and then leave. They seriously told me that if it didn't get better, that they would support me in leaving their son. His mom is an A, and that side of the family things he needs to "cut back" on his drinking.. yeah right.

Without him I will have no way of paying for rent, food, etc. I'm in my early 20s and trying to find a job but it's been hard without having a degree or anything. I also live 2k miles away from my family so I don't have a lot of support coming from them.

Anyway, point of this post:

AH came back today to move some stuff in and he will leave after tomorrow. Tonight he went and played with his band at the local bar and had probably 8-9 drinks there. I showed up for the last few songs and walked him home. On the way home he thought it would be funny to try and trip me, flash his junk at me (seriously - he's 30, what the hell) and urinate in public. UGH.

We get home and I'm watching a movie, he's sitting on the bed smoking marijuana (rolls eyes) and for some reason thinks it would be funny if he pressed his hot lighter down on my thigh. F--king hurt like hell. NOT funny. I have a small burn now. Not bad but that's not the point. He tried to do it a couple more times as a joke but then realized 20 mins later that he actually burned me and apologized. Felt bad for it I guess. Then he passed out.

Nothing like that's ever happened before, normally he does stupid crap like the trying to trip me, twisting my arm and "wrestling" like a teenager. Trying to schedule a session with my therapist in the next few days, AH and I are both about to fly home to see our families and I don't have many friends who know about this whole issue. Maybe I should tell my folks about him being an A? I have been saving a little bit (it's like $100 at this point) and he is not on the lease.. yet. Might keep putting off that appointment til I figure out what to do. I don't know if this will be the last straw or what. I don't really feel anything any more, to be honest.

Just needed to get that off my chest. Really hate this disease. I know I deserve better. I just feel stuck. Al-anon was last night, maybe I should find another meeting to go to. Hope I can see my therapist before I leave.

Thanks for reading.

AlcoholicLove

So this loser alcoholic thought it would be funny to burn you with his hot lighter? Twisting your arm? You do know that is physical abuse.
Is it possible to stay with your dad until you finish school?

"..keep hoping it will get better" It won't.
You need to get away from this alcoholic now.

LifeRecovery

I am unclear from what you wrote if you consider what he did with the burning as abusive? I understand that you don't think his behavior to you was abusive prior to this incident.

The reason I ask is that my definitions have changed as my healing has taken place, and what was "acceptable" behavior prior, is not necessarily now.

I am glad you are here, but sorry for what brought you here.

FireSprite

IF it were me, I think I'd be concerned about what NEXT summer's binges might bring regardless of how he reigns it back in after the frat party ends now. Does it seem to be progressively worse each summer? Do you still have similar incidents throughout the year that just seem less intense without the 'frat party' atmosphere? Are you willing to go through another summer that is like this year or worse?

It sounds like you might be at the point of making decisions & figuring out where your boundaries are. Maybe even starting to strategize Plan B just in case? Your concerns are legitimate & you don't deserve this kind of treatment. (((HUGS)))

bonami

Burning you with his lighter is extremely troubling - that is abuse, whether he was drunk or sober. So is trying to trip you! Please go and make that appointment with your therapist, that may help you figure out what you need to do and get you unstuck. And please keep reading and posting here. Sending you strength.

ShootingStar1

"for some reason thinks it would be funny if he pressed his hot lighter down on my thigh. F--king hurt like hell. NOT funny. I have a small burn now. Not bad but that's not the point. He tried to do it a couple more times as a joke but then realized 20 mins later that he actually burned me and apologized. Felt bad for it I guess. Then he passed out.

Nothing like that's ever happened before, normally he does stupid crap like the trying to trip me, twisting my arm and "wrestling" like a teenager."

That's pretty scary stuff to me. It is physical abuse. It's good that you have a therapist, and I hope you can talk candidly about your AH's hurting you. It might be time to rethink whether you really want to stay another year with him. Alanon meetings are great, and talking with your folks also might help.

I wouldn't underestimate the consequences of his behavior, especially since he has escalated it from over-the-top rough-housing now to burning you.

Take care, we're all here for you,

BothSidesNow

outtolunch

It sounds like you married the Tom Hank's character gone bad, in BIG.

Alcoholism/addiction and abuse are progressive.

djayr

Thank you for posting. My sympathies go out to you. I think you should try to be honest with your parents, especially if you are close with them and you trust them. What happens the first few years (I have 17 years married to AW) is that you go into denial. So many strange and awful things are happening, that you minimize them and try to pretend they are no big deal.

So things that are quite abnormal, seem OK, and they basically form the basis for a secret life of which you are somewhat embarrassed. It's not your fault, this is what happens when you are in love with an alcoholic. On the one hand you are trying to survive and rationalize that it's not that bad, on the other hand you have a feeling something is very wrong.

It's better to live in reality. Learn as much as you can about alcoholism, and if you don't feel like sharing with friends and family, you can always come on this forum or to any Al Anon meeting, where you will find many others who have experienced the same things.

What has struck me over the years, is how there are stages. There is a progression. The alcoholic devolves in their own way, and the partner goes on their own hell ride of worry, concern, denial, embarrassment, covering up, and basically just coping -- one can't help it.

Hang in there . . .

seriynochi

Thank you all for your replies.

I am seeing my therapist on Monday. Talked to a few of my friends and my (aforementioned) in-laws about the incident, and while I knew it was f--ked up it helped to read from you guys and hear from others that I am not the crazy one.

Last night AH was drunk as a skunk but didn't hurt me or anything. We got in a big fight and I told him he needed to go to counseling and AA, stat. And that his behavior gives me no choice but to leave. His family said they would help pay for an assessment and treatment but as we all know, nothing will change until he makes that choice.

I will talk with my dad when I go visit, but he's neck-deep in my little brother's legal troubles so I am hesitant to talk with him. But I know I should, and I will.

And yes, I know it is progressive and escalating. I have started looking for housing around here. I have a little over a year of school left here and then I can get the hell out of this area and get a real job. I have a few friends here that I could stay with if it got really bad. I have a cat, though, and would also have to break a lease I just signed (AH is not on the lease yet). Affordable housing is really hard to find around here but there is a resource center that told me a while back that if I need emergency housing, they can get it for me.

I don't plan on being around for next summer's meltdown. Hopefully will be able to get out of this before that.