re: hard to let go

Old 08-29-2012, 05:42 PM
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letting go of alcoholic loved one..stay or go?...tips?

IM a 32 year old guy. stable profesional. ready to meet someone and just settle a bit. Met another guy who had all the same values as I do. Wants to stay away from city / club vibe and settle down, own a house, live a bit simply and just enjoy life. except for one thing. He has a problem maintaining control when he drinks and drins himself into oblivion and makes really bad choices. Usually able to tone it down around me but when he is out with his friends he loses it and some pretty scary shady stuff has happened ( waking up/ passing out in a ditch on the side of the highway, driving intoxicated, extremely poor judgement, missing major life events because of alcohol) It has all been a bit much to handle and I have given him numerous chances to quit drinking. he has been in treatment for drinking but maintains that he can manage himself and continues to drink. he is absolutlely not able to maintain control and after the 5th and final episode of his drinking and becoming wreckless ( i honestly worry for his safety, and I dont want to date someone so irresponsible!) I have ended the relationship. Its pretty sad because I actually connected him on so many other levels and had lots in common. Just wondering how hard it is to support someone like his. he always says he wont drink anymore and then he does and somthing bad happens..

I feel sad to let him go..is there any way this can work? or should I just cut my losses and try and find someone who is compatable but does not have these issues...help!
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:09 PM
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In my experience dealing with "A's" there is no hope unless they quit drinking entirely, and work a strong recovery program for life...unfortunately, the chances of this happening are less than 10%, not good odds.

I would move forward with my life, if he ever hits bottom, gets into recovery and is clean and sober for at least a year....there may a slight glimmer of hope...until then...there is none.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Randy32 View Post
IM a 32 year old guy. stable profesional. ready to meet someone and just settle a bit. Met another guy who had all the same values as I do. Wants to stay away from city / club vibe and settle down, own a house, live a bit simply and just enjoy life. except for one thing. He has a problem maintaining control when he drinks and drins himself into oblivion and makes really bad choices. Usually able to tone it down around me but when he is out with his friends he loses it and some pretty scary shady stuff has happened ( waking up/ passing out in a ditch on the side of the highway, driving intoxicated, extremely poor judgement, missing major life events because of alcohol) It has all been a bit much to handle and I have given him numerous chances to quit drinking. he has been in treatment for drinking but maintains that he can manage himself and continues to drink. he is absolutlely not able to maintain control and after the 5th and final episode of his drinking and becoming wreckless ( i honestly worry for his safety, and I dont want to date someone so irresponsible!) I have ended the relationship. Its pretty sad because I actually connected him on so many other levels and had lots in common. Just wondering how hard it is to support someone like his. he always says he wont drink anymore and then he does and somthing bad happens..

I feel sad to let him go..is there any way this can work? or should I just cut my losses and try and find someone who is compatable but does not have these issues...help!
You don't want to date someone so irresponsible. Don't devalue your wants and needs in a relationship. Don't "settle", because that is what you will do if you decide that his behavior is "good enough"..is this what you pictured, when you pictured your next boyfriend? Probably not. No one can tell you what to do, you need to figure it out on your own. From my own experience, settling was a bad, bad move.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:14 PM
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Hello Randy. It sounds like to me that he is an alcoholic in denial. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and without proper treatment it can get worse. If he is wanting to “manage” his drinking by himself it sounds as if he is not ready to admit the depth of the problem.

I cannot tell you what to do, but being closely involved with an active alcoholic will drain you. It's like an emotional roller coaster that you get looped on and before you know it you feel drained, emotionally tired, and stuck. An active alcoholic gets in patterns of manipulation that will lure you in to believe that things will change for the better, but then they go back to the way they were eventually. They lie to keep their addiction fed. It’s a cycle. As soon as you threaten to change the cycle the active alcoholic will again come up with some form of manipulation to keep their enabler close.

If you do wish to continue with this relationship my advice is to be prepared. Educate yourself on Alcoholism and Codependency. Read the stickies at the top of the forum, and read through our many stories. Note they are all similar in many ways. Attend Al-Anon meetings and make sure you understand that you did not cause this, despite what you may feel later, you cannot control this, and you most definitely cannot cure this. Remember you cannot help him. It is up to him and only him to help himself.

Always take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to make yourself a priority. Don't settle for unhappiness.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:26 PM
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Welcome Randy32. I am sorry for your situation that brought you here, but glad you found a place full of resources, support and experience.

I was sad to have to let my relationship go, too. Still very sad about it. But in the end, it was the best thing for me, as I knew I wasn't satisfied with what I had, and how unfair is that for someone else? It became my responsibility to care for myself, be honest and humble, and admit there wasn't a chance of this working, and let it go.

Alcoholism is a contender like no other. It will always win. Find a good man that meets your needs. They are out there - this is a big big world that we live in.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:47 PM
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wow!..wasnt expecting so many resoponses. i appreciate all the feedback!

The things you were all saying about this cycle of stop go stop go and roller coaster of highs and lows and manipulations..all rang true for me. Whenever he would have an episode with drinking he would beg and plead for me to stay and promise to go to AA and never drink again..and then a month later start up again. he is literally the king of manipulating me and guilt tripping me and I always seem to get sucked in. i have actually just blocked him from my cell phone and emails instead of having a conversation because I know I will get sucked in.

what is it about this that sucks you in?..Its like I compromised my boundaries of what i would put up with and slowly with each slight compromise I went so far down the hole that i couldnt get out of it. This whole thing seemed never endending. he was not a stable guy and I was physically and emotionally drained alot..he had quite the snappy temper too..

but that all being said..why the hell do I still entertain the idea of going back for more!!??..ive never been this lacking in confidence before. It feels like im under a spell. I know in my head he is not the type of person I want totake care of me ( irresponsibe, immature, ) or take care of and have a partnership with..but I still worry and care about him and his well being. i guess its not my problem and I need to wlk away..just funny how it can suck you back in so easily.

note to self. get a spine.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:04 PM
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Hi Randy,
I found that being in a relationship with an alcoholic pretty much sucked the life out of me. Things were always chaotic, he was moody and verbally abusive as well as full of empty promises that never materialized. I never knew how much he was drinking because he would often do it at bars and hide it from me. I tried many things to get him to quit or cut back on his drinking but it was always an issue. I really gave up hope on him after one incident and shortly after that we broke up.

When you think about "going back for more" you are probably focusing on the good parts of the relationship. Honestly I still love my ex, but my life is so much more peaceful than it has been in a while. It sucks but I think I am better off -- especially now that the initial pain of it all is mostly behind me.

I believe that A.s are emotionally unavailable and unwilling to have a real relationship as long as they're obsessed with the bottle.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:28 PM
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If you don't want a life of heartache and grief, cut your losses and don't look back.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:42 PM
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It is strange how one can get looped into willfully riding the roller coaster again and again.

I personally contribute my lack of education on Alcoholism and its effects on others to be my seat belt. Hope played a huge part in keeping that seat belt fastened for so long. I have been with my husband for over twelve years. I met him young. He didn't drink then. When he turned 21 we partied a lot. I mean a lot. I thought our drinking habits where normal. I guess "normal" can be a bit skewed if you grow up in a home with an alcoholic father as I did, even though I didn't realize my father to be an alcoholic at the time. Before I knew It I was in a cycle. He was two people. Every time he apologized and begged I thought of the man I fell in love with, the man that brought me flowers when I was sad, the man that took care of me, but I was blinded to the reality. I hoped for “my love” to stay, but he was powerless to the alcohol. The man I received for years was a selfish man; a man who lied, who hid things, and who cursed words of hate at me. I felt so lonely, drained, and stuck. I kept saying if only he didn't drink. I would make excuses as to why we couldn't attend social functions, so I would try to keep him away from the alcohol. I tried to control it for him, because I knew he couldn’t. I tried to get him to cut back, and he would promise he would. They were all empty promises. I enabled him to progress. The problems worsened, and I cried every night. I was so beat down.

I am still with him today. He has admitted his problem, went to rehab, relapsed, but is now active in AA and in personal therapy. I have educated myself. I get my support and am slowly building myself back up. We attend couples therapy. It’s not easy. I don’t know if I am making the right decisions, but I now have a feeling that I will be okay.

It's a long road, but if you were to ask me if I would do it again, or if it was worth it. I would say, “no.” If I knew then what I know now I would have not stayed, I would have not said "yes" at the altar.
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:43 PM
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thank you again for all the feed back everyone..He just wrote me the following:

"I know I have to stop… I know I can't control it now even when I'm feeling good… Just makes me sad to know that you will leave me when I need you most.. If I had cancer, would you leave me because it was bringing you down? What I have is an illness but can be looked after… But you're just throwing me away
The fact that you just blocked me from your life when we were still technically boyfriends really is not cool… Just leaving me hanging
Anyways, thanks for leaving me when I need you most Randy.. You don't have any love for me because you don't leave somebody who needs your help.
One day when I'm better and doing so well, you will look back and regret this.
All the best and good luck with everything in the future
Ciao"

thoughts?
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:05 PM
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He has an illness that he's chosen not to look after, that's why you're leaving him. You have no obligation to stay and help someone destroy himself, even though he's trying to make it sound like that's what love is. It is not. You can't help him. If you stayed you would likely end up destroying both of you.

You are doing the right thing by letting go.
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:10 PM
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That's pretty much what my AXH said, too -- especially the "if I had cancer, would you leave me?"

My response to that was "if you had cancer and were undergoing the recommended treatment, I would not leave you because of the fact that you have cancer. If you had cancer and were undergoing treatment and behaved like at complete ass toward me, I would leave you because you behaved like a complete ass.

The thing is, you are not seeking the recommended treatment for your disease. You are getting sicker, and meaner, and your behavior toward me is unacceptable, regardless of what the reason for it is."

I never said that, however. Because most alcoholics can't be reasoned with while they're actively drinking.

So my advice would be to not respond to that. Because you'll probably just get more of the same. You can't win.
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:11 PM
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You know that is simply more BS I hope....

It's my observation and expereince that not all loves
are forever...and some are just toxic...
I also left a lover years ago who continued to drink.
I thrived and he survived.


Check out a book....Co Dependant No More by M beattie.

BTW I'm an AA recovered alcoholic who is doing Chemo
for cancer.
I live alone and take care of myself physically and financially
Apples and oranges is what he said. Randy.

Last edited by CarolD; 08-29-2012 at 09:29 PM.
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Randy32 View Post
thank you again for all the feed back everyone..He just wrote me the following:

"I know I have to stop… I know I can't control it now even when I'm feeling good… Just makes me sad to know that you will leave me when I need you most.. If I had cancer, would you leave me because it was bringing you down? What I have is an illness but can be looked after… But you're just throwing me away
The fact that you just blocked me from your life when we were still technically boyfriends really is not cool… Just leaving me hanging
Anyways, thanks for leaving me when I need you most Randy.. You don't have any love for me because you don't leave somebody who needs your help.
One day when I'm better and doing so well, you will look back and regret this.
All the best and good luck with everything in the future
Ciao"

thoughts?
Yes... RUN! Talk about throwing guilt, manipulation, control, and a whole bunch of other bad stuff your way. For Pete's sake, that was a load of BS, I hope you know that. He obviously doesn't care one whip about your feelings, Randy.

You're young, you've got a good job and a great future ahead of you; live for you and what you want out of life - he's not the only guy out there.

There is a famous saying around here: Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable.

Be strong, and best of luck to you! You deserve better
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:05 AM
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Let's say for a moment that he truly believes he can only get sober with your help and support. He's wrong. You can support him, perhaps in some ways help him. But the hard work of sobriety is on him.

What he is doing is setting himself for failure and continued drinking because you left. You didn't help.

This is more than manipulation. This is hitting you where is hurts because it is clear you really care for this guy. That is cruelty. That is alcoholic behaviour.

The only person you can fix is you. I wish you the best.
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:11 AM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html

sure there is a way you can live with an alcoholic...^^but why not read from the experts who HAVE lived or living with an active alcoholic now in their lives..

u do know you have a choice to be in a healthy relationship because your worthy of that right?

maybe Melody Beatties "Co dependent No More" may be a good read for you...
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Randy32 View Post
thank you again for all the feed back everyone..He just wrote me the following:

"I know I have to stop… I know I can't control it now even when I'm feeling good… Just makes me sad to know that you will leave me when I need you most.. If I had cancer, would you leave me because it was bringing you down? What I have is an illness but can be looked after… But you're just throwing me away
The fact that you just blocked me from your life when we were still technically boyfriends really is not cool… Just leaving me hanging
Anyways, thanks for leaving me when I need you most Randy.. You don't have any love for me because you don't leave somebody who needs your help.
One day when I'm better and doing so well, you will look back and regret this.
All the best and good luck with everything in the future
Ciao"

thoughts?
I pretty much agree with everyone else here, he is laying a big guilt trip on you. He needs to take responsibility for quitting drinking himself. If your mere loving prescence was enough he would have quit already.
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:47 AM
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My thoughts screamed manipulation when I read that message that he sent you. There is nothing about how you feel. There is nothing about how great you are. It's all about him. This is textbook alcoholic manipulation. He's guilt tripping you to stay. He says he needs you, but gives no steps as to what he is going to do for himself. He almost makes it sound as if he "needs" you to hold him up like a crutch. It's a draining weight on your shoulders to make yourself responsible for not only yourself, but also a destructive individual that needs you to clean his messes and pick him after he falls.

You can love him and support him from afar. My advice would be to not get yourself entangled in the chaos.
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Randy32 View Post
thank you again for all the feed back everyone..He just wrote me the following:

"I know I have to stop… I know I can't control it now even when I'm feeling good… Just makes me sad to know that you will leave me when I need you most.. If I had cancer, would you leave me because it was bringing you down? What I have is an illness but can be looked after… But you're just throwing me away
The fact that you just blocked me from your life when we were still technically boyfriends really is not cool… Just leaving me hanging
Anyways, thanks for leaving me when I need you most Randy.. You don't have any love for me because you don't leave somebody who needs your help.
One day when I'm better and doing so well, you will look back and regret this.
All the best and good luck with everything in the future
Ciao"

thoughts?
He is guilt-tripping and manipulating you. You need to refuse it. Stop reading his emails and texts or you are going to get sucked back in. Get smart about their manipulation tactics. Here's a link to a thread that I started when I found a good source of information about this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html

And another:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ipulation.html
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:40 AM
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Thanks for all your messages everyone. Its nice to re-enforce and validate some of these things Ive already been feeling. ( guilt trip, manipulations)

I find myself soooooooo furious and angry that someone is able to be so deluded and irrational. He is soo selfish and everything is about him and his issues and anxieties. This is literally the most head games I have seen coming from a person and the part i dont understand..is he actually doesnt see thru the ********..all the crazy ideas and guilt trips and manipulations swimming in his head..he believes them as truth!! it boggles my mind..so frustrating.

will there ever be a time when he wakes up and looks himself in the mirror and sees himself for that sad insecure little boy that he is and realizes all the crap he pulled was the reason he lost this relationship? I guess it just feels a bit like ive run a marathon..all this emotional output and no reward!..where is the justice in that..he still has no clue and will take ZERO responsibility for his beavior.

what a mind trip.
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