Don't know where to turn....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 4
Don't know where to turn....
I want to start off by saying that I never thought I would be in this spot and I'm not exactly sure why... all the signs have pointed here for a long time but I guess I just mislead myself into believing that things would get better.
My father is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember, but I guess it wasn't so bad because he was always a happy drunk, went to work everyday, was loving... until about 5 years ago when he went through some health issues which did involve withdrawl symptoms and DT's, long story short this left him with defecits in his speech, balance, his hands no longer work properly (kind of like a stroke victim). I moved myself and my fiance into his home once he was release from hospital and physical rehabilitation where we spent the next 2 years. It only took a couple of days of him being home until he started drinking again.....Fastforward to today.....
In the last 7 days he has been hospitalized for withdrawl seizures and told by the doctors if he has no intention of stopping drinking that he will need to ensure that he drinks everyday so he does not have another seizure....then last night he fell while walking home and ended up in the hospital again, this time with broken ribs..... now he really cannot do anything for himself.... and I am at a loss, in order to keep the seizures away I need to make sure he has a drink everyday....Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because he relies on me for a lot of his basic needs that because of his physical defecits he cannot do alone.... I'm all he has and walking away from this situation is obviously not an option.....
My father is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember, but I guess it wasn't so bad because he was always a happy drunk, went to work everyday, was loving... until about 5 years ago when he went through some health issues which did involve withdrawl symptoms and DT's, long story short this left him with defecits in his speech, balance, his hands no longer work properly (kind of like a stroke victim). I moved myself and my fiance into his home once he was release from hospital and physical rehabilitation where we spent the next 2 years. It only took a couple of days of him being home until he started drinking again.....Fastforward to today.....
In the last 7 days he has been hospitalized for withdrawl seizures and told by the doctors if he has no intention of stopping drinking that he will need to ensure that he drinks everyday so he does not have another seizure....then last night he fell while walking home and ended up in the hospital again, this time with broken ribs..... now he really cannot do anything for himself.... and I am at a loss, in order to keep the seizures away I need to make sure he has a drink everyday....Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because he relies on me for a lot of his basic needs that because of his physical defecits he cannot do alone.... I'm all he has and walking away from this situation is obviously not an option.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Wow. Nothing I can add from my experience like this with a loved one.
We did have a "damaged" alcoholic in one group down here that sounds a lot like your father. He did stop drinking and went to meetings regularly. It was sad that things went so far down for him, and he was dependent on family members for support, but he did function, and he didn't drink.
I hope everything turns out OK.
We did have a "damaged" alcoholic in one group down here that sounds a lot like your father. He did stop drinking and went to meetings regularly. It was sad that things went so far down for him, and he was dependent on family members for support, but he did function, and he didn't drink.
I hope everything turns out OK.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
Hi Count2ten
Sounds like you're struggling to know how to cope with the increased levels of care your father needs at the moment - and especially a dilemma about whether to provide him with alcohol while he's incapacitated with broken ribs.
I don't have any advice to give you from personal experience, I'm afraid.
I think the first step might be to talk to your father's doctor and ask outright: "What do you advise we do to prevent him having seizures from withdrawal?" and "My father is determined to continue drinking alcohol - which I'll now have to obtain. Given that, is there any other advice you have?"
I wondered whether you could seek advice from a local care home? Presumably if you could no longer care for your father, a residential facility would have to look after him. Preferably one with experience in dealing with alcoholics. Perhaps the staff there could offer advice on how they deal with the dilemma of providing an incapacitated alcoholic with alcohol?
Best wishes
SG
Sounds like you're struggling to know how to cope with the increased levels of care your father needs at the moment - and especially a dilemma about whether to provide him with alcohol while he's incapacitated with broken ribs.
I don't have any advice to give you from personal experience, I'm afraid.
I think the first step might be to talk to your father's doctor and ask outright: "What do you advise we do to prevent him having seizures from withdrawal?" and "My father is determined to continue drinking alcohol - which I'll now have to obtain. Given that, is there any other advice you have?"
I wondered whether you could seek advice from a local care home? Presumably if you could no longer care for your father, a residential facility would have to look after him. Preferably one with experience in dealing with alcoholics. Perhaps the staff there could offer advice on how they deal with the dilemma of providing an incapacitated alcoholic with alcohol?
Best wishes
SG
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You are not a victim of his drinking. By realizing that he is doing this to himself, for himself, you can remove yourself from thinking that you are a victim in this situation.
You do have options.
One of them is to walk away and allow this grown man to deal with the consequences of his choices.
What is your motivation for spending years of your life as a caregiver to an alcoholic? Is it because he is your biological father? The father you knew and remembered is not the man you see today.
The man you are caretaking is an active alcoholic whose condition will continue to grow worse. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse. Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?
I suggest giving him his bottle and taking yourself to an Alanon meeting. Learn everything you can about alcoholism, codependency and find a way to start living your own life.
He has chosen how he wants to live his life. You have the same right!
You didn't arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take time to extract yourself from this situation. Here are some links to posts on this site (called stickies) that will help you find your way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You do have options.
One of them is to walk away and allow this grown man to deal with the consequences of his choices.
What is your motivation for spending years of your life as a caregiver to an alcoholic? Is it because he is your biological father? The father you knew and remembered is not the man you see today.
The man you are caretaking is an active alcoholic whose condition will continue to grow worse. Alcoholism is progressive and it will get worse. Is this how you want to spend your one precious life?
I suggest giving him his bottle and taking yourself to an Alanon meeting. Learn everything you can about alcoholism, codependency and find a way to start living your own life.
He has chosen how he wants to live his life. You have the same right!
You didn't arrive in this situation overnight, and it will take time to extract yourself from this situation. Here are some links to posts on this site (called stickies) that will help you find your way:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 4
Thanks for the words of advice. I definetly do not want to come across as a victim in this situation. I am fully aware that I have contributed to this situation and continue to do so. I will say that I do feel (In my particular situation) pretty alone. I haven't heard of anyone else that is dealing with this type of situation. When an alcoholic gets to the point that it can be fatal to quit drinking alcohol, it makes things very complicated. And yes I know that I do have a choice not to provide him with alcohol and to put myself completly out of the situation, which in theory sounds perfect. So logically I know that if something ever happened to him that it would not be my fault, however realistically how do you live with that?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I can offer you some suggestions ...............................
First, if your father is not of retirement age, then work on getting him classified as disabled by Social Security as he definitely is. If he is retired then he does have Medicare.
Second, talk honestly with his doctor about one more medical detox, and then into a nursing home that is capable of and has experience in dealing with folks of his type (alcoholics).
Third, get him into said nursing home, where ALL his daily needs (but alcohol) will be met, which relieves you of the mental and physical stress of his day to day care.
Fourth, visit him as often, daily if need be, as is needed for you and him. But again, you will not have the daily physical and mental stress of his care.
Fifth, or you can continue the way your are now, slowly and quickly wearing yourself out as his 24/7 caretaker, only maybe getting 'respite' care once in a while and watch him continue to be ravaged by the alcohol.
Yes, sometimes the child does become the parent. And yes, then the child/parent has to make some very tough decisions. Your father may not be happy (as a matter of fact I can guarantee he will NOT be happy) at first about no more alcohol and being in a Nursing Home/Facility, however, with help from his doctor and possibly a psych Dr to put him on some anti D meds that will change and you will see that he does start to make some friends in the Home/Facility in time. You will also probably see some positive changes in him as time goes on and he is off the alcohol. HE may stay angry and stubborn for a while, but as all the alcohol leaves and his brain wakes up a bit you may even see some of your 'old' father return.
Please, please, for your own sanity, peace of mind, and serenity check out some Alanon meetings, at least 6 different ones to get an idea if there is one that you feel you could fit into, and/or some one on one therapy for yourself. This is so important. There are therapist, and yes ones that specializes in addiction and the whole family that do have 'sliding scale' fees.
Please also keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so very much.
I went through this twice, once with my father, who I cannot say was or was not an alcoholic, however, he drank the same amount every day for all the years I knew him, only trading his Vodka Martini's, 2 daily, for Vodka and Tonic, 2 daily, and continuing to drink his Wild Turkey every night, same amount. Then with my mother, who was not an alcoholic, she literally did have an allergic reaction to alcohol, but WAS a Valium addict.
My sister and I chose, because we were both working on our own careers and businesses to get 24/7 in home care for first my father, relieving my mother of a job she could not handle, and then upon his passing, we kept the 'crew' for mom. By the time it was mom's turn we had 'fine tuned' the caregivers, and although sis and I were long distance we each made it down there about every 3 to 4 weeks, so one of us was there every 2 weeks. I am familiar with private home care as that was my business for many years.
However, I have also helped friends whose family could not afford that to find decent, respectable, with a good reputation, nursing homes for their parents.
You are a very loving daughter, and that is beautiful to see. Just remember you too deserve to 1) have a life and 2) the time is coming when your father will require more care than you are capable of giving him. Wouldn't it be easier on all to get a 'new routine' going for him now, so you two can still share 'quality time'?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
First, if your father is not of retirement age, then work on getting him classified as disabled by Social Security as he definitely is. If he is retired then he does have Medicare.
Second, talk honestly with his doctor about one more medical detox, and then into a nursing home that is capable of and has experience in dealing with folks of his type (alcoholics).
Third, get him into said nursing home, where ALL his daily needs (but alcohol) will be met, which relieves you of the mental and physical stress of his day to day care.
Fourth, visit him as often, daily if need be, as is needed for you and him. But again, you will not have the daily physical and mental stress of his care.
Fifth, or you can continue the way your are now, slowly and quickly wearing yourself out as his 24/7 caretaker, only maybe getting 'respite' care once in a while and watch him continue to be ravaged by the alcohol.
Yes, sometimes the child does become the parent. And yes, then the child/parent has to make some very tough decisions. Your father may not be happy (as a matter of fact I can guarantee he will NOT be happy) at first about no more alcohol and being in a Nursing Home/Facility, however, with help from his doctor and possibly a psych Dr to put him on some anti D meds that will change and you will see that he does start to make some friends in the Home/Facility in time. You will also probably see some positive changes in him as time goes on and he is off the alcohol. HE may stay angry and stubborn for a while, but as all the alcohol leaves and his brain wakes up a bit you may even see some of your 'old' father return.
Please, please, for your own sanity, peace of mind, and serenity check out some Alanon meetings, at least 6 different ones to get an idea if there is one that you feel you could fit into, and/or some one on one therapy for yourself. This is so important. There are therapist, and yes ones that specializes in addiction and the whole family that do have 'sliding scale' fees.
Please also keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so very much.
I went through this twice, once with my father, who I cannot say was or was not an alcoholic, however, he drank the same amount every day for all the years I knew him, only trading his Vodka Martini's, 2 daily, for Vodka and Tonic, 2 daily, and continuing to drink his Wild Turkey every night, same amount. Then with my mother, who was not an alcoholic, she literally did have an allergic reaction to alcohol, but WAS a Valium addict.
My sister and I chose, because we were both working on our own careers and businesses to get 24/7 in home care for first my father, relieving my mother of a job she could not handle, and then upon his passing, we kept the 'crew' for mom. By the time it was mom's turn we had 'fine tuned' the caregivers, and although sis and I were long distance we each made it down there about every 3 to 4 weeks, so one of us was there every 2 weeks. I am familiar with private home care as that was my business for many years.
However, I have also helped friends whose family could not afford that to find decent, respectable, with a good reputation, nursing homes for their parents.
You are a very loving daughter, and that is beautiful to see. Just remember you too deserve to 1) have a life and 2) the time is coming when your father will require more care than you are capable of giving him. Wouldn't it be easier on all to get a 'new routine' going for him now, so you two can still share 'quality time'?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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