greeneyedgirl18

First off I'd like to say that I am new here and I am struggling with an issue that I really could use some advice on. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and recently came out of detox and is in an intensive outpatient problem and still drinking. He became friends with a woman while in detox and I had no problem with it but I guess I din't think it would become an everyday thing with her. I figured it would be support calls when needed and an ocasional meeting together and even coffee after. To me that is what usually happens. Since the day he came out they talk everyday and text every day and go to each others houses. Since he has been out of detox its been a lot of days where he has been passed out drunk and even last night I had to practically carry him to bed. HE doesn't even rememeber some of the great times we have because he is so drunk. This of course saddens me seeing him like this. Since he does drink a lot, Im missing out on those good days together, that when he is sober I just want to soak up the time with him, because I never know what each day will bring. Then when Im with him, the texts are coming in and calls and even today we were at a family BBQ and he took a call and walked away for about a half hour and it wasn't a distress call at all and that was after a morning and afternoon of texts and calls. It was something that could have waited. Am I wrong to just ask him to have boubdaries with this woman? I want the best for him, but I don't want to lose anymore time with him on top of the drinking taking away time. I've helped him get into detox, I've dealt with his insurance, his work and I support and encourage him and also give the tough love that I hate to give but know he needs. He is my world. I just miss him.I I even found myself enabling him and put a stop to that. He tells me that we see each other everyday and yes we usually do, but most of the time he is drunk so its not quality time. Maybe I am selfish and if I am please tell me. This bothers me so much and I know he is going through a hard time and its not about me. Am I over reacting?? This also is not new to me because evryone I have dated before or married has had addictive behaviors and sddicted to drugs alcohol or sex and I deal with this everyday in my profession. Its definetly much different when its close to home. I love him immensly and don't want to male this harder for him but I did want him to know how I felt.

Learn2Live

His relationship with this other womam is completely inappropriate and obviously hurtful. Relationships with alcoholics and addicts to me are like trying to buy a car: You have to be willing to WALK AWAY from them, otherwise you are going to get burned. I am sorry to say this GreenEyes, but you need to wake up to what this person is doing with this other woman.

suki44883

You aren't being selfish at all. What he is doing is inappropriate, but even more, he is treating your horribly. Is this how you wish to live your life? Taking care of some guy who drinks himself into oblivion everyday and treats you like a piece of furniture?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

P.S. to add: You aren't making anything harder for him. In fact, you are making it very easy for him to continue doing what he does. You clean up his messes and he just has another drink.

greeneyedgirl18

I appreciate your advice very much. What makes this so hard is that he is such a wonderful person that just happens to have a disease. I am someone who always wants to help everyone and I do end up always getting hurt so thats why Im so cautious this time. She is married and according to her husband is ok with the situation. Maybe he is a better man then I am a woman. I just have never had a good experience when it came to this kind of issue and I don't want this to turn into something even ifits not what he wants now. He is a wonderful perosn and like to help others too and thats why I love him so much. I told him that aanyone would love a great guy talking to them and giving them ao much attention and that even though he says he has abbsolutely no intentions and I honestly belive him, its what could develop if it continues in such a daily way. Im not saying he has to stop being her friend or even talking to her. Im just asking him to respect my feeliongs and tone it down a little. I feel horrible that I feel this way

NWGRITS

This is what I was going to say. You're an excellent enabler, and any addict would love to have a girlfriend like you. You're new to this, and you're hurting. But definitely step back and consider the questions posed to you. You can't make him stop, you can't help him. At this point you need to think about yourself and what you can do to save your self.

Learn2Live

He doesn't sound like a wonderful person to me.

Yes, I am also the same way, always trying to help people, always seeing the good in people and ignoring the blatant crap they dish out to me such as what this person is dishing out to you. Your instincts are right and you need to trust them.

The fact that her husband is OK with this relationship between these two alcoholics does not lessen your rights or your feelings in your relationship. He is not this wonderful guy who "just happens to have a disease." He is a person treating you like crap and you deserve better.

suki44883

Regarding the "disease" thing...That is just a cop out. When someone has a disease, the normal thing for them to do is be pro-active in doing what is necessary to get better. Is he doing this? No. Also, if he had cancer, would that make it alright for him to treat you the way he does? No. Having a disease does not excuse bad behavior.

greeneyedgirl18

Other then this issue, he does treat me great. The fact is, I am in love with this man and I was hoping that this relationship wouldnt end like all the others and that this could be so much better. In the other relationships where I was with addicts, I did the same thing and helped them and stayed with them till they were sober an dthen we broke up. Our relationships ended after I went through hell to help them get sober. Now they are all sober. It makes me think that my purpose in life is just to help people but get nothing in return. Im not trying to make this sound like a "poor me" situation, I just want happy and respect. I always have faith in people and their abilities to overcome things and want to be the one in the end after all is said and done with the sober man and look back on what we have overcome. Maybe I just expect too much

greeneyedgirl18

He is doing the Intensive outpatient program three days a week but still seems to drink after classes or a meeting or even spending the day with the woman who is his support from detox and even with me. He says he is trying. After detox he went back to work but they didn't know he was coming back so they filled his hours and forced him to take a vacation. He knew it would be bad because he would be home all week alone and just drink. SO he blames the fact that he is not working on drinking. I worked with him every day to make a "plan for the day" of things to do and get accomplished so he would be busy including meetings but he decided not to do those things and drink during the day. SO is he trying? Yes, by doing the Intensive program, but doesn't seem to be trying when it comes to the drinking. He says its only his first week with the program and should get better. SO Im praying he is right. I know when he starts working he wont drink during the day, but at night Im sure he will.I just feel l ike he should be trying harder to slow down on thedrinking while on vacation so it may be easier when he goes back to work. SOmetimes I just feel like I am working harder on hos recovery then he is and I know thats never good. I told him that too

dollydo

Have you ever thought about why you always hook up with addicts/alcoholics? Thus far, have you saved any of them from themselves/

To me, he does not sound like a wonderful person, perhaps you are selling yourself short.

You are an "A's" dream a codependent, enabler. Have you read Codependent No More? Attended any Alanon meetings?

Take some time to read all the stickeys in the Family & Friends Forums, lots of great information at your fingertips.

suki44883

I'm sorry, but driving to IOP three times a week is not working on recovery, especially if he is still drinking. If he wanted to stop drinking, he wouldn't buy alcohol and then drink it. The first step in recovery is to STOP drinking. I know that sounds harsh, but looking at your situation as a disinterested third party, and one who is also in recovery, it is glaringly obvious to me that you ARE working his recovery more than he is. He's barely working it at all.

murrill

No, he isn't trying. His relationship with the other woman is not appropriate. And you are not going to save any of these alcoholics. Get to Alanon or CODA meetings.

Learn2Live

GreenEyedGirl, There is SO much more to life than helping addicts and alcoholics. You deserve so much more, really you do. These guys tie us down and hold us back from experiencing the life we are INTENDED to experience, and from becoming the people we are INTENDED to become. Taking care of him out of your love for him is truly NOT YOUR JOB.

changeschoices

He's at least emotionally cheating on you. And you have a lot more patience than I do, because if my boyfriend ever walked away to have a half-hour phone chat with another woman that he couldn't have in front of me, I'd leave him at the BBQ, stop at the hardware store on the way home for all new locks, and go home and change all the locks.

I highly recommend "Codependent No More" and therapy, which have both been very helpful to me. Your BF is still an active addict and worse, he is disrespecting you.

Ellvk

Sorry you are going through this...
I have to wonder... what does he need support from this woman for if he is not in recovery? Recovery includes NOT drinking, IMO. I, too, am a fixer. I think many of us are. Maybe that's what draws us to broken people. My question is, what about you? Who is helping you?

L.

Shadydeal

Boy, I hesitate to reply to this one because it strikes home. However, I just can't remain silent. So, I am going to respond but I hope that you will keep in mind that your situation may be totally different than mine. I hope that it is and many of you many have heard bits/piece of my story before so I am going to try to keep it short as possible...

I knew my XABF for 25-30 years, he lived in another state, moved here and started dating. After a year or more I ended up putting him thru detox/30 day rehab. This whole A thing was not something I knew anything about or had ever been involved w/an A. I supported him by sending him, while he was in there and when he got out. When he got out he a acted strange but then again he was sober & this was new! He made lots of friends..supporter...what I didn't know is that he met a women while in there and she went to a halfway house for 30 days after getting out of the center. Then guess what??? One day out of the blues...he didn't call me, wouldn't answer my calls! I had no idea what happened! Well, she was released from the rehab and straight to his apartment! I just thought the A produced HELL. Put 2 Active A together and it's horrible. I knew he was an A and I knew he had lots of problems but I never would have dreamed he'd cheat and lie! I am so very ashamed to say that for the next 2.5 years I allowed someone to use, cheat and lie to me. Why? I think I really wanted to believe he loved me, really wanted to believe he learned from that mistake. Nope! He didn't but I hope I did! Without details I allowed both of them to play me, everything I did ended up helping them! I paid more rent and electric bills than I care to total! Each time he decided to clean up; I would help him detox, get a job, pay his rent, electric bill because this time was going to be different! She would appear in the picture again (of course after I did all this) and live in the apartment with him! Then I wouldn't hear from him again...they been on a binge.....then we'd repeat the whole thing again! I'd believe his BS.... He was done w/her and the drinking. He didn't love her they just had the drinking in common or so he'd say! They relasped all the time. He maintained soberity for only 30 days after rehab. Anything after that was only when necessary because he was out of money likely! Sad deal and even worse is that I allowed the whole thing for a couple of years! I must add that both of them came from good family, good looking people, smart, he had never been in trouble w/the law but she was another story! She staying in and out of jail! To meet them on the streets you would never in a million years think she spent anytime in jail but she did....lots during the time frame after rehab! Which was also one reason I always thought she might really be out of the picture! Needless to say, Things didn't end well but they did end! They are together, no jobs, no place to live and driving around in a truck that I also helped him pay for....I ended up filing charges on her for harassment! So, I know this is more information that you likely wanted to hear but my advice to you is put your foot down! He is being disrepectful to you! What we permit...we premote! I am ashamed of myself for allowing anyone to treat me the way I allowed them to do! Please do not come close to making the same mistake! A are some of the best manipulators!

Shadydeal

Again my 2 cents but I find you get the best up front! My XABF tried/did not not drink at first when he was trying to straighten up then as soon as he had confidence again....he could control (thought) and would start drinking again. But doesn't sound like he's even truthfully trying if he has not even stopped. Going to treatment and drinking isn't trying!

greeneyedgirl18

First I like to say that this website is probably the best thing I have found and I am so very thankful for all of you tonight! Im going to try and answer all of you in this statement......

Dollydo- I am actually in therapy now and we are working on why I always seem to be in relationships with addicts. The weird thing is when I meet them, I have no idea that they are. It's not till after I fall for them that I find that out and then I feel I need to stay even if the relationship turns bad for me during their drinking/drug use. Its a question I have been dying to figure out.

Suki44883- You are 100 % right! I am working for his recovery harder then him.

murrill- I actually just started looking into meetings! I need all the support I can get

learntolive- Iam told by all my friends the same thing as you just said to me. There is so much more to saving these people. I don't know what a regular relationship even feels like. I don't know what it is like to have someone put me first.

changeschoices- Thats what I try to explain to him. That I feel disrespected and that he isn't even considering my feelings. In fact, I feel the more I say the more they talk and she knows it bothers me too. He has told her. I told him, that I don't want him to stop talking to her for support, just have some boundaries and keep my feelings in mind. Thanks for the recommendation to "codependent no more" Im going to look into that!

ellvk- I actually said something similair to myself but felt bad about thinking it. He says they support each other but they both started drinking again, but not together. I was wondering what support was even being done. He drinks after a meeting, his intensive outpatient class and even after seeing her. He says, " I just can't ever see myself never haviong a drink again" SO with that thought in his head, how could it be successful?? As far as who is helping me.... I haven't told any of my friends or family whats going on because I feel its none of their business and its' not my place to tell people whats going on in his life so so far its just this site thats helping me out

sassydog- First off, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. This is exactly what I am trying to avoid and am afraid could happen to me. I never listen to my intincts and they end up being right every single time, yet every time it happenes again, I don't listen! My therapist said I need to change my habits and its not easy. I wish you the best luck and wish you a well deserved happy life

suki44883

I hope you'll come back often. You will find a lot of support here.

greeneyedgirl18

Thank you! I will! So far, I have been on and off all day. I'll be on as often as I can. I'll take all the advice I can get