Here again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Burlington, vt
Posts: 102
Here again
Hi, all.
I've been here before- during the two months of alcohol-free days I put together February-April of this year. Since then, well, I've gotten back into you know what, and it's been harder on me than ever before. I haven't been drinking straight on since April; I've cobbled together a week or so abstinent here and there. But when I have drunk, it's been bad. I've really come to see how this is indeed a progressive disease, and gets worse every time I start up again. The addictive voice has just been roaring. But I know if I don't get control of my sick brain, it's not going to end well for me, and it will probably end soon.
So. I've got two days without the stuff now, and am starting to feel relatively sane- if not great. I've come to believe that in addition to the addictive voice, my brain is PLAGUED with doubts that keep me from doing what needs to be done. These doubts pre-date the active alcoholism, but they really go hand in hand with it. Also, my family is not remotely helpful, and God knows how I might extricate myself from THEM.
But, anyway. I can't drink. It's good to be back here.
I've been here before- during the two months of alcohol-free days I put together February-April of this year. Since then, well, I've gotten back into you know what, and it's been harder on me than ever before. I haven't been drinking straight on since April; I've cobbled together a week or so abstinent here and there. But when I have drunk, it's been bad. I've really come to see how this is indeed a progressive disease, and gets worse every time I start up again. The addictive voice has just been roaring. But I know if I don't get control of my sick brain, it's not going to end well for me, and it will probably end soon.
So. I've got two days without the stuff now, and am starting to feel relatively sane- if not great. I've come to believe that in addition to the addictive voice, my brain is PLAGUED with doubts that keep me from doing what needs to be done. These doubts pre-date the active alcoholism, but they really go hand in hand with it. Also, my family is not remotely helpful, and God knows how I might extricate myself from THEM.
But, anyway. I can't drink. It's good to be back here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
So glad to see that you are fighting again-it's something worth fighting for... I'm in the AA program and am at the point in the program (step 4) and it will be so nice to get past these hurts and things of the past.. I've learned my sobriety comes first and if those who i love are still around afterward then good, but I gotta focus on me for now...
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I found my serenity in AA also. It has been the BEST THING I have ever done for myself!! I am a happy, grateful, serene person now. I have 8 months, and these 8 month have been quite a "ride"! I am just hanging on, waiting for my next miracle to show up! It is an amazing feeling, all the miracles back in my life! When I realized I couldn't do it on my own and I surrendered to my Higher Power, my life took off! I have a sponsor that has been sober since 1975, my home group is wonderful, and I am working the steps. I am the classic case of the alcoholic. I was tired of being sick and tired, I hit rock bottom, I had enough..... I surrendered.........Now I am 8 months sober! You can do it too!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
I'm glad you're here, Olympia. 
I was also someone who was inundated with negative thoughts, long before I began drinking. I learned that drinking was the symptom and so when I stopped drinking, I still had work to do on myself. I've always found lots of support and information here, at SR.
I was also someone who was inundated with negative thoughts, long before I began drinking. I learned that drinking was the symptom and so when I stopped drinking, I still had work to do on myself. I've always found lots of support and information here, at SR.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Hi, Olympia, it's great to see you here. I'm not in AA either, so maybe that's why I noticed this:
My experience is that my addictive voice does a lot more than just tell me to take a drink, I deserve a drink, what's the harm in a single drink, we should celebrate with a drink, and so forth. My AV tries to make me doubt myself. It tries to tell me that I can't get sober, if I could get sober I could never do it now, that I am hopeless, that I am worthless, that I have an incurable disease, and that I am powerless against alcohol. This is ALL ADDICTIVE VOICE. All of it.
My AV uses everything it can, and everything it knows about me, and that is everything. It knows my disappointments, my fears, my regrets, everything, and it can use all of it to make me doubt myself. So, what do I do about this? I start by recognizing exactly what is going on, that any thought about drinking again or uncertainty in my ability to stop drinking, is my AV. It's not me. I have decided that I have 100% confidence in myself that I can do this. Anything that tries to chip away at this is not me.
I wish you well, Olympia.
I've come to believe that in addition to the addictive voice, my brain is PLAGUED with doubts that keep me from doing what needs to be done. These doubts pre-date the active alcoholism, but they really go hand in hand with it.
My AV uses everything it can, and everything it knows about me, and that is everything. It knows my disappointments, my fears, my regrets, everything, and it can use all of it to make me doubt myself. So, what do I do about this? I start by recognizing exactly what is going on, that any thought about drinking again or uncertainty in my ability to stop drinking, is my AV. It's not me. I have decided that I have 100% confidence in myself that I can do this. Anything that tries to chip away at this is not me.
I wish you well, Olympia.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Burlington, vt
Posts: 102
Thanks for all the advice and well wishes, everyone. I have to admit, I've felt sheepish about coming back- how can I say "I'm really serious this time" when it worked out as it did the last time? I have been reading on the neuroscience of addiction, and that has helped some- seeing this as a disease of the brain, which is constructed of cells just like any other body part. I can see where the higher power stuff comes from- I need something bigger than this damaged brain of mine.
freshstart57- Yeah, my addictive voice sounds EXACTLY like you describe; it will twist itself into advanced acrobatics to get me to drink, and use any excuse or reason to do so.
LookingForNewMe- Much luck to you.
freshstart57- Yeah, my addictive voice sounds EXACTLY like you describe; it will twist itself into advanced acrobatics to get me to drink, and use any excuse or reason to do so.
LookingForNewMe- Much luck to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,575
So happy to see you back, olympia. I was really serious every time I quit for good, too. The last time stuck, though. You sound ready. You don't need that stuff - you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome back. AA works for me but AVRT makes a ton of sense also. Of course we are here for you at SR too.
Did you know you are very close to where AA's 2 co-founders were born, East Dorsett VT and St Johnsbury VT? Although AA was founded in Akron OH many years later.
Did you know you are very close to where AA's 2 co-founders were born, East Dorsett VT and St Johnsbury VT? Although AA was founded in Akron OH many years later.
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