Time to focus on ME....
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Time to focus on ME....
I have avoided the inevitable long enough. I have spent more time denying the fact that I had an issue. I avoided Al-Anon because I didn't want my life to be about alcoholism, when I've never had an issue with it myself or have I had it in my family. Why should I have to attend meetings and read books to deal with something I felt my abf should be dealing with?
Because, guess what? My Co-dependency is MY issue. Being with an abf was just the wake-up call I needed to see how I was behaving and realizing that until I addressed MY problem I was going to continue in the cycle.
So, today, I start MY recovery and begin with Step 1.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. There have been times in my life with other alcoholic friends that I once believed I could make them see the error in their ways. That I thought I was helping by being there to drive them home, to take care of them. To always be the responsible one. As I've gotten older and wiser I realize that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and actions.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
How can I not recognize it? The fighting, the difference in opinions, ideas, ways of dealing with life; they are all there every day. I always thought we were just two different people and saw things in our own ways. But, the extreme of it all is too much. We never saw eye to eye on ANYTHING. It was as if we were from two different planets.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Oh, this one is tough. Probably because I have gotten so tired of alcohol being used as an excuse as to why he flirted with someone, slept with someone else, lied to me, screwed up, etc. He doesn't deserve for it to be something like a disease that he has no control over. I find it a cop-out. Another reason to not take responsibility over his actions. I have major problems with this one. I feel angry just thinking about it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Well, this could be a long list. I spent a lot of my younger years feeling that I knew what was right for everyone else's life. I thought I was so reasonable and responsible and knew how to do the right thing that everyone else ought to listen to me. I knew it all.
Most of the time I became frustrated that they didn't take my advice. Or, that they listened to me and thought my advice was good but didn't take any action on it. Then what good was it to even ask me?
I have spent so much of my life trying to show people my worth by helping them, staying in a relationship when most people would leave and being a doormat; all in the name of trying to help them change.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Oh, I am not good at this. I usually start by hoping the other person will just know my needs without me having to express them. Then, when they don't respond correctly or have a clue, I find myself getting angry that I'm not important enough for them to find out. I don't feel I deserve to have my needs met most of the time. I don't know how to ask for them to be met. Instead, I meet others needs and then use the fact they are not taking care of me as a reason to be a martyr.
I am afraid to ask for my needs to be met because that means I'm not good enough, strong enough. It makes me vulnerable. Needs make you vulnerable. And, when you are vulnerable, you can get hurt.
Wow, these questions are much more insightful than I imagined.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I accepted a long time ago that the xabf was who he was. All the hope and love in the world wasn't going to make him stop drinking, stop flirting or doing stupid things.
At first, I usually ended up crying over the whole thing. Not understanding why he was behaving like he was and why he couldn't be that loving man I saw come out every once in awhile.
But, after time, I just accepted it. I changed myself to adapt to his actions because it was futile to expect him to behave any differently.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Putting the responsibility on the other person to take care of their own life has been a challenge for me, but one I have finally embraced. In fact, after I tried to change the low life bf I dated before the abf, I made it a conscious effort to not ever go that route again. So, much to my abf's dismay, I refused to help him. He needed to figure out his life himself. I no longer was going to try and help/enable another bf. I figured this particular need I had to help others should be put towards people who were paying me instead and that maybe it would alleviate my need to fix the bf's. So, I became a coach to help others.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I have done this part. With enough time and tired of putting my focus on them and not me, I simply let them figure it out. Actually, my coaching class helped me with this. The goal of coaching is to guide someone to what they want with THEIR life. It's not to impose your experiences or opinions, but instead let them come to their own conclusions. Great lesson there.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Almost every situation you can imagine. I am always on the lookout for someone who needs help. I am always cautious. I see possible danger and I am ready to move on it, even if it only exists in my mind. Oh, that child is too close to the edge of the water, be alert. That man is having a hard time walking, watch him in case he falls and needs help.
I am on constant mental alert to be responsible for almost everyone I see.
Wow, again another answer I didn't realize was so important.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When people are out of control. I am so always in control of myself that I don't understand how others can find it funny to not remember what they did or where they were. I was always embarrassed when the xabf would start making stupid jokes or tell the same stories over and over again. People laughed at him and thought he was funny. I just felt ashamed and sorry for myself that I had to deal with it.
I wonder if people feeling sorry for me is part of the reason I stayed with him. It would make me look like the saint while he was looking all stupid.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I went to one Al-Anon meeting after my abf drove drunk and I thought my life was going to end. I didn't find any value in it at that time because I wasn't sure how it was going to solve my problem of being with an alcoholic. I don't think I really understood or knew how it was going to help me. And, at the time, I didn't want to be helped because I didn't want alcohol to be a problem in my life through someone else's actions when I had the choice to walk away from him and not have it be a part of mine.
Since then, my expectations have changed. I was leery about the 12 steps because I didn't see how they applied in this situation. Until I dug further and realized there were in-depth questions involved in each step. On the surface, I didn't think they could help me. Now, looking at what I'm doing and working through this step I see how I absolutely need to do this work.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Who hasn't? From the good friend I lost when I chose the abf to work with me over her, to my family, to close friends who don't understand why I hadn't walked away. Everyone close to me knows what I've been through and luckily for me most of them are still here and around for me.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I start to get on the emotional roller coaster. When I can't think straight. When all I want to do is sleep to avoid the mess that's going on in my head. When I start to blow up over something so simple and then come down and be calm and cool again. When I watch the days go by and my life go by and not accomplishing anything. When I lose interest in doing anything I normally want to do. When I have no energy to do anything and I don't care.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
With the abf I had to make a conscious effort to say no when he was pressuring me to say yes. His manipulation tactics were good and because I felt I was easy going and didn't want to show myself as being a princess, I went along with things he wanted to do. I would tell myself, so what if we aren't going to go to see the band I want to see or do what I want to do. I am going to hear some new music or do something new I haven't done before. When that became a regular occurrence over a once in awhile thing I knew I no longer had control over my life. I rebelled, I held my ground, I stopped doing everything he wanted me to do. It got to the point where I refused to do anything he wanted because I needed to have control of my life back.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. I find the answer interesting because I was considered a selfish person for quite some time. The world revolved around me, as my exh used to say. Everything was always about me and my life, my thoughts, my needs, my desires. Honestly, it all changed when I had children. I could no longer be selfish and I believe I let my ability to care for myself totally take the back burner to taking care of others. I had a total change once they came along. Now, I find I need to help others more than myself quite often.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
If this is what classifies what the codie needs, then I am the poster child. I love a crisis. I love (yet hate) drama. I am a super hero when there is a crisis. My dad is a very non-emotional person who never seemed to react when things happened around our house. I learned this skill from him. So, whenever something goes wrong, I immediately go into this serious, focused mode of attacking the problem and thinking what to do next. I admit that I love when I'm in this mode. Because while other people are losing their cool, I am calm and centered and focused. Something that is quite contradictory to the other side of me (my mom) that becomes quite emotional and out of control.
When life is going smoothly, I'm bothered by it. The quiet of it all disturbs me. My house is quite chaotic with my kids and all the pets in the house and when they aren't here it's unsettling. Yet, I find myself needing to find solitude and quiet because it's too much.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not as well as I should. I try to exercise and eat right and meditate to take care of my emotional needs, but whenever I get stressed out or can't handle things I really start to go the opposite way and abuse myself through eating bad.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I normally enjoy my alone time. It gives me time to breathe and focus and try to bring the attention to what's going on in my life. I can travel alone and do most things alone without any problem. But, that is when it's alone time I've decided on. When my kids go off to their dads house and now I'm alone on purpose and there is no where to go or all my friends aren't available I can get very lonely and freaked out. It's one of the things that actually scares me. The feeling of being totally alone.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is something I feel for my xabf because I can see how he's hurting. I feel sorry that he experienced the loss of his wife at such a young age and how it's affected him. I have often confused my feelings of loving him when I believe it is more an empathetic feeling I have inside.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes, although I didn't realize it until just recently. My xbf before xabf had a problem getting over his xgf. I thought if I could give him books and advice and of course, just by me being me I could make him forget all about her and fix it for him. Wrong. And, although I didn't try and fix my xabf, I did try to be there for him in an effort to hope he might make a move to change himself.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Right now, I don't trust anything in my life. Not my feelings, barely my intuition and definitely not my actions. I'm so out of whack right now I don't know what end is up.
Because, guess what? My Co-dependency is MY issue. Being with an abf was just the wake-up call I needed to see how I was behaving and realizing that until I addressed MY problem I was going to continue in the cycle.
So, today, I start MY recovery and begin with Step 1.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
Yes. There have been times in my life with other alcoholic friends that I once believed I could make them see the error in their ways. That I thought I was helping by being there to drive them home, to take care of them. To always be the responsible one. As I've gotten older and wiser I realize that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and actions.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
How can I not recognize it? The fighting, the difference in opinions, ideas, ways of dealing with life; they are all there every day. I always thought we were just two different people and saw things in our own ways. But, the extreme of it all is too much. We never saw eye to eye on ANYTHING. It was as if we were from two different planets.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Oh, this one is tough. Probably because I have gotten so tired of alcohol being used as an excuse as to why he flirted with someone, slept with someone else, lied to me, screwed up, etc. He doesn't deserve for it to be something like a disease that he has no control over. I find it a cop-out. Another reason to not take responsibility over his actions. I have major problems with this one. I feel angry just thinking about it.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Well, this could be a long list. I spent a lot of my younger years feeling that I knew what was right for everyone else's life. I thought I was so reasonable and responsible and knew how to do the right thing that everyone else ought to listen to me. I knew it all.
Most of the time I became frustrated that they didn't take my advice. Or, that they listened to me and thought my advice was good but didn't take any action on it. Then what good was it to even ask me?
I have spent so much of my life trying to show people my worth by helping them, staying in a relationship when most people would leave and being a doormat; all in the name of trying to help them change.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Oh, I am not good at this. I usually start by hoping the other person will just know my needs without me having to express them. Then, when they don't respond correctly or have a clue, I find myself getting angry that I'm not important enough for them to find out. I don't feel I deserve to have my needs met most of the time. I don't know how to ask for them to be met. Instead, I meet others needs and then use the fact they are not taking care of me as a reason to be a martyr.
I am afraid to ask for my needs to be met because that means I'm not good enough, strong enough. It makes me vulnerable. Needs make you vulnerable. And, when you are vulnerable, you can get hurt.
Wow, these questions are much more insightful than I imagined.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I accepted a long time ago that the xabf was who he was. All the hope and love in the world wasn't going to make him stop drinking, stop flirting or doing stupid things.
At first, I usually ended up crying over the whole thing. Not understanding why he was behaving like he was and why he couldn't be that loving man I saw come out every once in awhile.
But, after time, I just accepted it. I changed myself to adapt to his actions because it was futile to expect him to behave any differently.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Putting the responsibility on the other person to take care of their own life has been a challenge for me, but one I have finally embraced. In fact, after I tried to change the low life bf I dated before the abf, I made it a conscious effort to not ever go that route again. So, much to my abf's dismay, I refused to help him. He needed to figure out his life himself. I no longer was going to try and help/enable another bf. I figured this particular need I had to help others should be put towards people who were paying me instead and that maybe it would alleviate my need to fix the bf's. So, I became a coach to help others.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I have done this part. With enough time and tired of putting my focus on them and not me, I simply let them figure it out. Actually, my coaching class helped me with this. The goal of coaching is to guide someone to what they want with THEIR life. It's not to impose your experiences or opinions, but instead let them come to their own conclusions. Great lesson there.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Almost every situation you can imagine. I am always on the lookout for someone who needs help. I am always cautious. I see possible danger and I am ready to move on it, even if it only exists in my mind. Oh, that child is too close to the edge of the water, be alert. That man is having a hard time walking, watch him in case he falls and needs help.
I am on constant mental alert to be responsible for almost everyone I see.
Wow, again another answer I didn't realize was so important.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When people are out of control. I am so always in control of myself that I don't understand how others can find it funny to not remember what they did or where they were. I was always embarrassed when the xabf would start making stupid jokes or tell the same stories over and over again. People laughed at him and thought he was funny. I just felt ashamed and sorry for myself that I had to deal with it.
I wonder if people feeling sorry for me is part of the reason I stayed with him. It would make me look like the saint while he was looking all stupid.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I went to one Al-Anon meeting after my abf drove drunk and I thought my life was going to end. I didn't find any value in it at that time because I wasn't sure how it was going to solve my problem of being with an alcoholic. I don't think I really understood or knew how it was going to help me. And, at the time, I didn't want to be helped because I didn't want alcohol to be a problem in my life through someone else's actions when I had the choice to walk away from him and not have it be a part of mine.
Since then, my expectations have changed. I was leery about the 12 steps because I didn't see how they applied in this situation. Until I dug further and realized there were in-depth questions involved in each step. On the surface, I didn't think they could help me. Now, looking at what I'm doing and working through this step I see how I absolutely need to do this work.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
Who hasn't? From the good friend I lost when I chose the abf to work with me over her, to my family, to close friends who don't understand why I hadn't walked away. Everyone close to me knows what I've been through and luckily for me most of them are still here and around for me.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I start to get on the emotional roller coaster. When I can't think straight. When all I want to do is sleep to avoid the mess that's going on in my head. When I start to blow up over something so simple and then come down and be calm and cool again. When I watch the days go by and my life go by and not accomplishing anything. When I lose interest in doing anything I normally want to do. When I have no energy to do anything and I don't care.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
With the abf I had to make a conscious effort to say no when he was pressuring me to say yes. His manipulation tactics were good and because I felt I was easy going and didn't want to show myself as being a princess, I went along with things he wanted to do. I would tell myself, so what if we aren't going to go to see the band I want to see or do what I want to do. I am going to hear some new music or do something new I haven't done before. When that became a regular occurrence over a once in awhile thing I knew I no longer had control over my life. I rebelled, I held my ground, I stopped doing everything he wanted me to do. It got to the point where I refused to do anything he wanted because I needed to have control of my life back.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes. I find the answer interesting because I was considered a selfish person for quite some time. The world revolved around me, as my exh used to say. Everything was always about me and my life, my thoughts, my needs, my desires. Honestly, it all changed when I had children. I could no longer be selfish and I believe I let my ability to care for myself totally take the back burner to taking care of others. I had a total change once they came along. Now, I find I need to help others more than myself quite often.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
If this is what classifies what the codie needs, then I am the poster child. I love a crisis. I love (yet hate) drama. I am a super hero when there is a crisis. My dad is a very non-emotional person who never seemed to react when things happened around our house. I learned this skill from him. So, whenever something goes wrong, I immediately go into this serious, focused mode of attacking the problem and thinking what to do next. I admit that I love when I'm in this mode. Because while other people are losing their cool, I am calm and centered and focused. Something that is quite contradictory to the other side of me (my mom) that becomes quite emotional and out of control.
When life is going smoothly, I'm bothered by it. The quiet of it all disturbs me. My house is quite chaotic with my kids and all the pets in the house and when they aren't here it's unsettling. Yet, I find myself needing to find solitude and quiet because it's too much.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not as well as I should. I try to exercise and eat right and meditate to take care of my emotional needs, but whenever I get stressed out or can't handle things I really start to go the opposite way and abuse myself through eating bad.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I normally enjoy my alone time. It gives me time to breathe and focus and try to bring the attention to what's going on in my life. I can travel alone and do most things alone without any problem. But, that is when it's alone time I've decided on. When my kids go off to their dads house and now I'm alone on purpose and there is no where to go or all my friends aren't available I can get very lonely and freaked out. It's one of the things that actually scares me. The feeling of being totally alone.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is something I feel for my xabf because I can see how he's hurting. I feel sorry that he experienced the loss of his wife at such a young age and how it's affected him. I have often confused my feelings of loving him when I believe it is more an empathetic feeling I have inside.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes, although I didn't realize it until just recently. My xbf before xabf had a problem getting over his xgf. I thought if I could give him books and advice and of course, just by me being me I could make him forget all about her and fix it for him. Wrong. And, although I didn't try and fix my xabf, I did try to be there for him in an effort to hope he might make a move to change himself.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Right now, I don't trust anything in my life. Not my feelings, barely my intuition and definitely not my actions. I'm so out of whack right now I don't know what end is up.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Okay, so many issues to deal with but I feel my boundaries are the first thing that's got to get in place.
So, I'm creating a list of boundaries for my life that I will adhere to from now on:
1. I will walk away from anyone exhibiting "red flags". These include drinking too much, anger issues, cruelty to animals, not child or pet friendly, pot smoking or addiction to any substance, married, separated or newly divorced, still hooked on the ex, unemployed, verbally abusive.
2. I will maintain NC with the xabf. This includes NC through email, texting, phone or talking to him if I see him in person.
3. I will maintain NC with those people who I feel are negative, do not enhance my life or who I cannot trust.
4. I will only entertain relationships with those people who exhibit healthy relationship qualities.
5. I will not tolerate drinking and driving and will not get into a vehicle with someone who has too much to drink.
6. I will not accept a relationship that uses texting or email as it's main source of communication.
7. I will not tolerate disrepect to myself or others.
8. If someone insists on arguing with me, I will calmly walk away until things have cooled down.
9. I will not tolerate lying. If I am lied to, I need to end the relationship.
10. I will not tolerate gossip, especially anything having to do with the xabf. If someone wishes to talk about him, I will ask that they refrain from doing so in my presence.
11. I am only responsible for myself and my actions. How others choose to live their life is up to them and trying to fix them is not my job.
So, I'm creating a list of boundaries for my life that I will adhere to from now on:
1. I will walk away from anyone exhibiting "red flags". These include drinking too much, anger issues, cruelty to animals, not child or pet friendly, pot smoking or addiction to any substance, married, separated or newly divorced, still hooked on the ex, unemployed, verbally abusive.
2. I will maintain NC with the xabf. This includes NC through email, texting, phone or talking to him if I see him in person.
3. I will maintain NC with those people who I feel are negative, do not enhance my life or who I cannot trust.
4. I will only entertain relationships with those people who exhibit healthy relationship qualities.
5. I will not tolerate drinking and driving and will not get into a vehicle with someone who has too much to drink.
6. I will not accept a relationship that uses texting or email as it's main source of communication.
7. I will not tolerate disrepect to myself or others.
8. If someone insists on arguing with me, I will calmly walk away until things have cooled down.
9. I will not tolerate lying. If I am lied to, I need to end the relationship.
10. I will not tolerate gossip, especially anything having to do with the xabf. If someone wishes to talk about him, I will ask that they refrain from doing so in my presence.
11. I am only responsible for myself and my actions. How others choose to live their life is up to them and trying to fix them is not my job.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Areas I need to work on
1. Excessive responsibility for other people
In my quest for drama and chaos, I constantly am on alert for any situation I may have to suddenly become a "hero" for. I notice elderly people trying to walk and watch them to be sure they don't fall. I watch little kids playing or standing dangerously near the edge of something and I'm mentally prepared to help if calamity happens.
I see danger everywhere. Possible danger. I enjoy the thought of helping someone out of the blue without them asking for it. Is it the recognition I need? Is it the need for control? It's one thing to want to be responsible for friends and family, but total strangers?
Definition of responsibility: Responsibility has been defined as the belief of possessing a pivotal power to provoke or preventing crucial negative consequences.
This is listed as an obsession. So, what good does it do me to constantly be on the lookout for tragedy or accidents? What if I was just oblivious to everything? What if I only reacted and helped when I was asked? Are there times when my life has lots of drama when I don't feel the need to be responsible for others? Do I feel the biggest need to help others or see tragedy when my life is boring?
My answer is yes. I feel uncomfortable thinking of a life that has no drama in it. Stagnant and uneventful. No feeling of being alive. No adrenaline rush. I am hooked on that feeling of adrenaline and how it brings life into me. This is why I have had 3 affairs and dated alcoholics. The thrills are big. The chance of getting caught was invigorating. It made everything more intense. Without it, life would have remained boring.
In my quest for drama and chaos, I constantly am on alert for any situation I may have to suddenly become a "hero" for. I notice elderly people trying to walk and watch them to be sure they don't fall. I watch little kids playing or standing dangerously near the edge of something and I'm mentally prepared to help if calamity happens.
I see danger everywhere. Possible danger. I enjoy the thought of helping someone out of the blue without them asking for it. Is it the recognition I need? Is it the need for control? It's one thing to want to be responsible for friends and family, but total strangers?
Definition of responsibility: Responsibility has been defined as the belief of possessing a pivotal power to provoke or preventing crucial negative consequences.
This is listed as an obsession. So, what good does it do me to constantly be on the lookout for tragedy or accidents? What if I was just oblivious to everything? What if I only reacted and helped when I was asked? Are there times when my life has lots of drama when I don't feel the need to be responsible for others? Do I feel the biggest need to help others or see tragedy when my life is boring?
My answer is yes. I feel uncomfortable thinking of a life that has no drama in it. Stagnant and uneventful. No feeling of being alive. No adrenaline rush. I am hooked on that feeling of adrenaline and how it brings life into me. This is why I have had 3 affairs and dated alcoholics. The thrills are big. The chance of getting caught was invigorating. It made everything more intense. Without it, life would have remained boring.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Areas I need to work on
2. Control
Okay, control is my #1 biggest issue. I see myself struggle with my kids over who has the most willpower. I had issues with control with the xabf..absolute power struggle there.
I'm starting to see where I have this need to control in almost every situation. This morning I'm trying to control what my daughter wears to school. And, what my son has for breakfast. At school there is a line of people and no one in the street guiding them in. I am assessing the situation and thinking they need someone at the street. I want and need to control something that is not mine to control. If I thought it would have been beneficial and not embarrass my daughter, I probably would have gotten out of the car and taken matters into my own hands.j
I can't stand when situations aren't being managed properly. Based on what I believe to be right. Because I am a problem solver. I can make everyone's world better and right.
Over the weekend my family and I went to a park for a picnic. I had to take total control over setting up the food and cooking it. I wouldn't allow anyone else to do it. It was my job and I was going to be the one to do it and do it right. I couldn't let someone else take over.
If I'm not in control, my mind is in chaos. I'm uncomfortable. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Especially in situations where I know how to do something and other people don't. I hate when people put on parties and don't clean up or refill food or organize things right on the table so it's workable. I hate things that don't make sense. Like putting the plates and silverware in the middle of a buffet table or something. It's not efficient. I like efficient and I like things to flow smoothly.
As a kid I had to fight for control with my mom. She controlled my feelings, my emotions, my reactions. She was a dominant force in my life. But, she had to control me. My father was more passive but he just handled things differently. He used reasoning to solve problems but was very unemotional and unattached. I grew up wanting to please my mother, yet wanting to be like my father. She didn't like that I didn't want to be like her. She envied the relationship I had with my dad, which was much more subdued and simple. She was emotional and unstable at times. I was used to living in drama and chaos. And, neither of my parents were drinkers.
So, how do I let up on controlling every situation around me to only worry about those that matter in MY life? How do I let the universe take care of whatever it needs to for others and only focus on ME? So many people would benefit from my help if they only realized it.
What I'm saying is true feelings of how I interpret my controlling actions. Does is sound high and mighty? Does it make me look like I'm this big know it all?
I will have to be more aware of every situation I try to control and start learning how to let go. I'll be honest, the thought of that gives me this little freaked out feeling inside. Giving up control means giving up the only thing I have to save my life. I can't handle the thought of anyone controlling or taking over my life. So, what happens when I give up some of my power? Maybe I will have more when I focus it on me and remove it from other people's situations. Control and excessive responsibility.
I keep thinking what do I get from both of these? Besides feeling like I'm in charge, there must be some recognition. Some quality I want others to see about me that shows how good I am. Like staying with an alcoholic was my way of proving to the world that I was loyal. Look at me, I love someone enough to put up with this crap. Wow, I must be a saint. I must be such a good and wonderful person that I am staying with such a LOSER. Hmmm. It should have been - I'm leaving this relationship because I love someone (ME) more than anyone else.
I watched an episode of Hoarders once where this man had major hoarding issues. He was dating a woman who had never seen his house as he was always going to hers. He decided it was time to show her if he wanted to be honest about who he was. When she got there she freaked out at all the stuff he had. She left him. My first reaction was how bad that seemed. How cold. How heartless to leave a man she was dating (don't remember the extent of their commitment) while he was in a crisis. I would have stayed. Because he obviously needed help and it seemed so wrong to leave someone just because they had a problem.
Yes, I had this same thought process when I was with my xabf and he wasn't working. For the whole 3 years we were together he never had a job. And, I was patient with him. I didn't want to be seen as one of these women who are only out for a guy with money. Look how much more saintly I appear by staying with someone whose only way to make money is by doing illegal activities.
Gosh, I should be so proud of myself for my way of thinking.
Okay, control is my #1 biggest issue. I see myself struggle with my kids over who has the most willpower. I had issues with control with the xabf..absolute power struggle there.
I'm starting to see where I have this need to control in almost every situation. This morning I'm trying to control what my daughter wears to school. And, what my son has for breakfast. At school there is a line of people and no one in the street guiding them in. I am assessing the situation and thinking they need someone at the street. I want and need to control something that is not mine to control. If I thought it would have been beneficial and not embarrass my daughter, I probably would have gotten out of the car and taken matters into my own hands.j
I can't stand when situations aren't being managed properly. Based on what I believe to be right. Because I am a problem solver. I can make everyone's world better and right.
Over the weekend my family and I went to a park for a picnic. I had to take total control over setting up the food and cooking it. I wouldn't allow anyone else to do it. It was my job and I was going to be the one to do it and do it right. I couldn't let someone else take over.
If I'm not in control, my mind is in chaos. I'm uncomfortable. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. Especially in situations where I know how to do something and other people don't. I hate when people put on parties and don't clean up or refill food or organize things right on the table so it's workable. I hate things that don't make sense. Like putting the plates and silverware in the middle of a buffet table or something. It's not efficient. I like efficient and I like things to flow smoothly.
As a kid I had to fight for control with my mom. She controlled my feelings, my emotions, my reactions. She was a dominant force in my life. But, she had to control me. My father was more passive but he just handled things differently. He used reasoning to solve problems but was very unemotional and unattached. I grew up wanting to please my mother, yet wanting to be like my father. She didn't like that I didn't want to be like her. She envied the relationship I had with my dad, which was much more subdued and simple. She was emotional and unstable at times. I was used to living in drama and chaos. And, neither of my parents were drinkers.
So, how do I let up on controlling every situation around me to only worry about those that matter in MY life? How do I let the universe take care of whatever it needs to for others and only focus on ME? So many people would benefit from my help if they only realized it.
What I'm saying is true feelings of how I interpret my controlling actions. Does is sound high and mighty? Does it make me look like I'm this big know it all?
I will have to be more aware of every situation I try to control and start learning how to let go. I'll be honest, the thought of that gives me this little freaked out feeling inside. Giving up control means giving up the only thing I have to save my life. I can't handle the thought of anyone controlling or taking over my life. So, what happens when I give up some of my power? Maybe I will have more when I focus it on me and remove it from other people's situations. Control and excessive responsibility.
I keep thinking what do I get from both of these? Besides feeling like I'm in charge, there must be some recognition. Some quality I want others to see about me that shows how good I am. Like staying with an alcoholic was my way of proving to the world that I was loyal. Look at me, I love someone enough to put up with this crap. Wow, I must be a saint. I must be such a good and wonderful person that I am staying with such a LOSER. Hmmm. It should have been - I'm leaving this relationship because I love someone (ME) more than anyone else.
I watched an episode of Hoarders once where this man had major hoarding issues. He was dating a woman who had never seen his house as he was always going to hers. He decided it was time to show her if he wanted to be honest about who he was. When she got there she freaked out at all the stuff he had. She left him. My first reaction was how bad that seemed. How cold. How heartless to leave a man she was dating (don't remember the extent of their commitment) while he was in a crisis. I would have stayed. Because he obviously needed help and it seemed so wrong to leave someone just because they had a problem.
Yes, I had this same thought process when I was with my xabf and he wasn't working. For the whole 3 years we were together he never had a job. And, I was patient with him. I didn't want to be seen as one of these women who are only out for a guy with money. Look how much more saintly I appear by staying with someone whose only way to make money is by doing illegal activities.
Gosh, I should be so proud of myself for my way of thinking.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Areas I need to work on
[U]#3 Obsessive Behavior
My obsessive behavior often comes from my emotions. Very strong emotions. Usually a desire to know something. What is my ex doing? Who are they doing it with? I need to see them together so I can process that they really are with someone else. I need to know if they are cheating on me. I want details of what happened. I have a great need for visuals in my mind in order to process something.
I have spent my life not trusting people...guys usually. I have spent my life playing detective and finding out the truth. I need the truth. I can't stand being lied to and to hear different stories about the same situation just drives my brain wild.
I hate when I get this overly strong, and I mean STRONG, feeling inside me to do something I shouldn't. Like drive by the ex's house, drive around his neighborhood looking for his car, going to places I know he will be at so I can run into him. I've become known as the crazy, stalker girl. Great.
Part of my compulsion stems from being unable to detach from him. I need to see him. Need him to hold me. Need him to talk to. Need, need, need. It's all internal and I can feel that.
How is it I don't take care of myself and what I need and what's good for me, yet I can certainly take care of the need to have him and all the bad things that go along with him?
Okay, back on track.
My compulsion is nothing more than a feeling. And, there have been a time or two when I've resisted that feeling and not done what I wanted to do. It's not easy and I really have had to talk myself out of it.
But, it's like having another person inside me. Someone who is much stronger than I am and who needs to have their way. It always feels like I have no choice in the matter. The crazy stalker side is going to win and there's no way or reason to try and fight it.
My focus seems to always be on him when we break up. Even today, I've been really trying to move forward and do other things and I find he pops into my mind here and there. I can hear the conversation he had with his xgf, I can hear things he's said to me. I keep looking at my email wondering if he'll contact me, hoping he will but thankful that he hasn't. A part of me no longer wants to know what he's doing. I just can't take knowing anymore. I know too much already.
So, why obsess over something that's done and over? Why do I keep replaying things in my head? What good is it going to do me? How many times do I need to hear him tell her that having sex with her was the best thing that never happened? Then hearing him tell me there was no intimacy and he didn't kiss her...just basically threw on a rubber and stuck it in her. Nice imagery there for me I'll tell ya.
I have to move past these obsessive thoughts about him and her and move on to my own life. So, something else to work on.
My obsessive behavior often comes from my emotions. Very strong emotions. Usually a desire to know something. What is my ex doing? Who are they doing it with? I need to see them together so I can process that they really are with someone else. I need to know if they are cheating on me. I want details of what happened. I have a great need for visuals in my mind in order to process something.
I have spent my life not trusting people...guys usually. I have spent my life playing detective and finding out the truth. I need the truth. I can't stand being lied to and to hear different stories about the same situation just drives my brain wild.
I hate when I get this overly strong, and I mean STRONG, feeling inside me to do something I shouldn't. Like drive by the ex's house, drive around his neighborhood looking for his car, going to places I know he will be at so I can run into him. I've become known as the crazy, stalker girl. Great.
Part of my compulsion stems from being unable to detach from him. I need to see him. Need him to hold me. Need him to talk to. Need, need, need. It's all internal and I can feel that.
How is it I don't take care of myself and what I need and what's good for me, yet I can certainly take care of the need to have him and all the bad things that go along with him?
Okay, back on track.
My compulsion is nothing more than a feeling. And, there have been a time or two when I've resisted that feeling and not done what I wanted to do. It's not easy and I really have had to talk myself out of it.
But, it's like having another person inside me. Someone who is much stronger than I am and who needs to have their way. It always feels like I have no choice in the matter. The crazy stalker side is going to win and there's no way or reason to try and fight it.
My focus seems to always be on him when we break up. Even today, I've been really trying to move forward and do other things and I find he pops into my mind here and there. I can hear the conversation he had with his xgf, I can hear things he's said to me. I keep looking at my email wondering if he'll contact me, hoping he will but thankful that he hasn't. A part of me no longer wants to know what he's doing. I just can't take knowing anymore. I know too much already.
So, why obsess over something that's done and over? Why do I keep replaying things in my head? What good is it going to do me? How many times do I need to hear him tell her that having sex with her was the best thing that never happened? Then hearing him tell me there was no intimacy and he didn't kiss her...just basically threw on a rubber and stuck it in her. Nice imagery there for me I'll tell ya.
I have to move past these obsessive thoughts about him and her and move on to my own life. So, something else to work on.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
This is a really good start, IMLN. Part of the beauty of working the steps ourselves is that we keep the focus on US and what we can control. I found it to be a very enlightening journey, and it appears to be the same for you.
It can be a bit overwhelming too, to discover things about ourselves that we either didn't know or didn't WANT to know.
Remember to be gentle with yourself along the way. I look foward to reading more!
Cats
It can be a bit overwhelming too, to discover things about ourselves that we either didn't know or didn't WANT to know.
Remember to be gentle with yourself along the way. I look foward to reading more!
Cats
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Cats,
Thanks for your input. I am trying to let things come as they may and not force it because I am feeling impatient and want to move on. Easier said than done!
I think my fear is that if I'm not emotionally ready and the xabf comes back around I won't be in the right place to stay NC.
A rational part of me knows that as long as I remember what proceeded our break-up (him lying and cheating) I shouldn't have a problem. But, the other half, the part that he is able to manipulate and control, may be the half that gives me the problem. I know I can't solve a lifetime of issues overnight, but I am going to work as hard at it as I can.
Thanks!
Thanks for your input. I am trying to let things come as they may and not force it because I am feeling impatient and want to move on. Easier said than done!
I think my fear is that if I'm not emotionally ready and the xabf comes back around I won't be in the right place to stay NC.
A rational part of me knows that as long as I remember what proceeded our break-up (him lying and cheating) I shouldn't have a problem. But, the other half, the part that he is able to manipulate and control, may be the half that gives me the problem. I know I can't solve a lifetime of issues overnight, but I am going to work as hard at it as I can.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 104
BEAUTIFUL WORK!!!! I am so happy for you itsmylifenow!!!!! Life changes when you really get open, honest and willing. It is a process and you are doing a GREAT JOB!!! I love seeing positive steps forward in recovery. Good for you! Keep sharing and keep coming back - it works if you work it and you're worth it!! xo
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I had an interesting morning today. Past events seem to be flowing through my mind quite effortlessly these days and trying to capture it when it comes sometimes can't be done, otherwise you ruin the flow.
I have had some interesting revelations about the relationship with my parents and how I am behaving right now.
I've come to realize that my mom was a co-dependent. I can see clearly how her need to please people and go above and beyond was a way to hope others would like her. How they would appreciate her and realize she had worth and value. I relate this to myself and how I need that crisis to prove how beneficial I am. One of those Look at me moments.
She let past events shape who she was and what she did. She was defensive, emotional and withheld her love when she got angry. As a child I remember her being mad at me and although she'd say she loved me, she just didn't like me right now. As a child, I didn't know the difference between being loved and liked. Wasn't it the same thing? I remember trying to apologize to her. I would beg her to forgive me, but she would stick to her guns. I would be upset thinking she didn't love me anymore and would do anything to get that love back.
I repeated this pattern with friends. If someone was mad at me I was devastated that I had screwed up. I remember begging and crying to a gf of mine who held something I had done over me for months. Funny, I just realized she was a drug user and would get high during the day at work. Not quite an alcoholic, but a user. She played on my desperation for her friendship.
I repeated this with my xabf. How many times would he get angry over something and I would go into this totally different mode to try and fix the problem. I tried to keep the peace. I didn't want to lose his "love".
My mom suffered from some mental issues that stemmed from how she was treated as a child. I don't begrudge her for her illness or how it affected me. Because she did her best to not pass on the mental things that had happened to her. She was conscious of what had hurt her and made it a mission to not let those same things happen to us. But, the damage to her was so great that it was impossible for it not to trickle down in some ways.
Although I don't recall my mom ever being verbally abusive, I suppose she was. It was subtle though. Comments made to me that were sarcastic. I really believe she was more verbally abusive to herself than her kids, but she verbalized her negative self-talk and I heard it. She was never good enough, ugly, overweight, no one loved her like she loved them, she couldn't get approval for anything she did once her younger sister came into the picture. No matter what she did she could never please her parents.
As I sit and write this out I see myself being exposed to this and realize this isn't me. I mean, it's what I know, what I've been used to being all these years..but this is a result of my mom's issues. I was just the kid who loved her mom and wanted to please her by being like her. Even if it really wasn't who I wanted to be. I am a carbon copy of both my parents. As, we all are to some extent.
This can change. These feelings I have of being unworthy, deserving of punishment, lacking a strong self image...they can all be changed. Because they come from a place and time that no longer exists.
One last note. My connection to my mom was SO strong that I couldn't separate myself from her. I tried. I fought and fought, I went to counseling so I could stand up to her and assert myself more. I tried to be myself and not be like her, only to end up just like her. She got cancer and died 8 months later. And, although I loved my mom and I miss her to this day, when she was gone I suddenly had freedom. I was free to live my life the way I wanted to and what I felt was right for me. Yet, the guilt of feeling that way about my mom is still there.
And, I wonder, in my guilt and need for what was comfortable; did I stay in my relationship with my xabf as a way to continue my R with her? Because, it was pretty damn close to being the same dynamics. He had many of the qualities she had, many of the same emotional responses and it was very familiar.
More to ponder I guess.
I have had some interesting revelations about the relationship with my parents and how I am behaving right now.
I've come to realize that my mom was a co-dependent. I can see clearly how her need to please people and go above and beyond was a way to hope others would like her. How they would appreciate her and realize she had worth and value. I relate this to myself and how I need that crisis to prove how beneficial I am. One of those Look at me moments.
She let past events shape who she was and what she did. She was defensive, emotional and withheld her love when she got angry. As a child I remember her being mad at me and although she'd say she loved me, she just didn't like me right now. As a child, I didn't know the difference between being loved and liked. Wasn't it the same thing? I remember trying to apologize to her. I would beg her to forgive me, but she would stick to her guns. I would be upset thinking she didn't love me anymore and would do anything to get that love back.
I repeated this pattern with friends. If someone was mad at me I was devastated that I had screwed up. I remember begging and crying to a gf of mine who held something I had done over me for months. Funny, I just realized she was a drug user and would get high during the day at work. Not quite an alcoholic, but a user. She played on my desperation for her friendship.
I repeated this with my xabf. How many times would he get angry over something and I would go into this totally different mode to try and fix the problem. I tried to keep the peace. I didn't want to lose his "love".
My mom suffered from some mental issues that stemmed from how she was treated as a child. I don't begrudge her for her illness or how it affected me. Because she did her best to not pass on the mental things that had happened to her. She was conscious of what had hurt her and made it a mission to not let those same things happen to us. But, the damage to her was so great that it was impossible for it not to trickle down in some ways.
Although I don't recall my mom ever being verbally abusive, I suppose she was. It was subtle though. Comments made to me that were sarcastic. I really believe she was more verbally abusive to herself than her kids, but she verbalized her negative self-talk and I heard it. She was never good enough, ugly, overweight, no one loved her like she loved them, she couldn't get approval for anything she did once her younger sister came into the picture. No matter what she did she could never please her parents.
As I sit and write this out I see myself being exposed to this and realize this isn't me. I mean, it's what I know, what I've been used to being all these years..but this is a result of my mom's issues. I was just the kid who loved her mom and wanted to please her by being like her. Even if it really wasn't who I wanted to be. I am a carbon copy of both my parents. As, we all are to some extent.
This can change. These feelings I have of being unworthy, deserving of punishment, lacking a strong self image...they can all be changed. Because they come from a place and time that no longer exists.
One last note. My connection to my mom was SO strong that I couldn't separate myself from her. I tried. I fought and fought, I went to counseling so I could stand up to her and assert myself more. I tried to be myself and not be like her, only to end up just like her. She got cancer and died 8 months later. And, although I loved my mom and I miss her to this day, when she was gone I suddenly had freedom. I was free to live my life the way I wanted to and what I felt was right for me. Yet, the guilt of feeling that way about my mom is still there.
And, I wonder, in my guilt and need for what was comfortable; did I stay in my relationship with my xabf as a way to continue my R with her? Because, it was pretty damn close to being the same dynamics. He had many of the qualities she had, many of the same emotional responses and it was very familiar.
More to ponder I guess.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Surprised myself today by getting upset while talking about my history with xabf, my correlation with my mom and my self worth. I had no idea I had such strong feelings about it. I am in such a raw place right now it feels like it will take a long time to ever rebuild what's been torn down.
On the brighter side of that I get to create the person I want to be. And, I get to let go of all that old baggage! That's what I want more than anything. If they could only give us a fresh memory to start over with, how sweet would that be?
On the brighter side of that I get to create the person I want to be. And, I get to let go of all that old baggage! That's what I want more than anything. If they could only give us a fresh memory to start over with, how sweet would that be?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Bristol, UK
Posts: 33
I am impressed! A lot of work has gone into that, and it is evident that it has made you angry, which is a good thing. As others have said the process teaches you a lot about yourself and I can see it has been a voyage of discovery. Anger is good. Anger with myself is what saved my life literally!! You will now have a new life and a far better one. Good!! but don't let this dreadful experience make you lose your humanity. You showed a lot of patience with your xabf and it wasn't all because you were his doormat!! You cared as long as you could but like my ex-wife there came a point of no return. I do not blame her at all. It took a lot for her to give up 25 years of marriage. You have had good sound advise here.
Alcoholism is a disease! It may be used as an excuse, but that is a symptom of the disease! It is difficult to describe what it is like because you have never been through it and my words are always inadequate. An alcoholic himself will only understand when he sees it through sober eyes, and many if not most never do.
I would ask you one big favour. When ever you see someone abusing alcohol, wait until they are sober and tell them and their family your story. You might just save a couple or family going through what you have just been through.
You are a Star!!! It takes a very special person to go through what you have been through and still be strong enough to reason yourself through to here. Your future is very bright. I wish you well!! :-)
Alcoholism is a disease! It may be used as an excuse, but that is a symptom of the disease! It is difficult to describe what it is like because you have never been through it and my words are always inadequate. An alcoholic himself will only understand when he sees it through sober eyes, and many if not most never do.
I would ask you one big favour. When ever you see someone abusing alcohol, wait until they are sober and tell them and their family your story. You might just save a couple or family going through what you have just been through.
You are a Star!!! It takes a very special person to go through what you have been through and still be strong enough to reason yourself through to here. Your future is very bright. I wish you well!! :-)
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Mendipman, thank you so much for your support! This has become my personal journal and a journey that I feel needs to be shared with others. I hope it shows someone that they can work the process and come out okay in the end...even if I'm not totally there yet I am making progress.
I am looking forward to creating the me I want to be and not the one so many other people had a hand in
Have a great weekend!
I am looking forward to creating the me I want to be and not the one so many other people had a hand in
Have a great weekend!
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
So, yesterday surprises me by getting so emotional over the idea of self worth. I know this is an area that I am struggling with right now. The xabf was very good at knowing where my insecurities were and knew just how to bring me down with his words. When we are already weak and thinking these bad thoughts about ourselves, it seems easier to surround ourselves with others who think the same things. Then we have an excuse for our shortcomings because other people agree with us.
So, the whole self-worth piece. Man, that's a big one. Huge. So huge. The same patterns are repeating in my head right now - I'm not good enough, I'm not young anymore, I'm 20 pounds overweight and look so fat, look how successful they are - no one would want anything from me, why would someone believe me, who would want to hear me speak?, people will laugh at me if I think I'm smart, beautiful, sexy. Who do I think I am? What makes me someone anyone would want to believe or trust or think I'm an expert.
Okay, even I can't tolerate hearing any more. It's bad enough that there is more.
So, today I am reading through the Co-dependency no more workbook and everything is fine, until I read "You belong here. You are worth it."
Out of nowhere I started crying. Almost uncontrollably. That word, "worth", is obviously a major trigger point for me. And, I'm bothered for not having any real idea why I don't feel I'm worth anything. I mean I know there have been situations where I have come to believe that yes, I do deserve to be happy, deserve a good relationship, etc. But, is there a difference between feeling you "deserve" something and feeling you are "worthy" enough to have it?? Are the words interchangeable?
The definition of worthy says "having sufficient worth, deserving. Useful or valuable." Definition of deserving? Worthiness.
So, the definition of the 2 words are the same. But, my definition and how I feel the two relate are not the same. Maybe my meaning of deserve, as in I deserve to be in a healthy relationship, is coming from a place of entitlement.
Hmm...I'm using the wrong word. I really don't feel I deserve a healthy relationship because I'm worthy of having one. I feel I'm ENTITLED to one because I've been put through the wringer. That is a big difference. In my mind I still feel the word deserve is the right word, but it's really not when given the definition and meaning.
I believe I read that part of our worth comes from guilt. I have things in my life that I still feel bad about doing. I still have guilt, even though I've tried to release as much of it as I can. And, that guilt does make me believe that I'm not worthy, or deserving, or entitled to a good relationship. Choose your word. In this case they all mean the same thing.
Amazing, while I am thinking about this guilt I have, my chest starts to hurt. I can feel all the guilt I have still remaining inside me. It is this guilt that makes me think I deserve to be punished. A very common theme for me these past few years. No one likes when I say that. I just feel that if I do something wrong, there is nothing another person could do to me that is worse than the punishment I give myself. Why do I feel this need to punish myself? I haven't figured that out yet.
Maybe by punishing myself I don't have to face the wrath of the person I hurt. Because I know that someone being disappointed in me and losing faith in me is not something I care to face or handle.
And, I can think of a few situations where I feel apologizing to the person directly is the only thing that can solve my guilt. But, it could hurt other people. And, that means I need to find another way to absolve myself of this guilt.
Whew..my head hurts this morning. So much is rushing out. It's only been a little over a week since I ended my R with xabf, but the focus on myself and the emotions and thoughts rushing at me feel like a blessing and I don't want to stop them. But, I need some time to digest some of this so I'm going to make the rest of the afternoon a non-thinking day. And, will go off and do some laundry and have some fun with my kids.
So, the whole self-worth piece. Man, that's a big one. Huge. So huge. The same patterns are repeating in my head right now - I'm not good enough, I'm not young anymore, I'm 20 pounds overweight and look so fat, look how successful they are - no one would want anything from me, why would someone believe me, who would want to hear me speak?, people will laugh at me if I think I'm smart, beautiful, sexy. Who do I think I am? What makes me someone anyone would want to believe or trust or think I'm an expert.
Okay, even I can't tolerate hearing any more. It's bad enough that there is more.
So, today I am reading through the Co-dependency no more workbook and everything is fine, until I read "You belong here. You are worth it."
Out of nowhere I started crying. Almost uncontrollably. That word, "worth", is obviously a major trigger point for me. And, I'm bothered for not having any real idea why I don't feel I'm worth anything. I mean I know there have been situations where I have come to believe that yes, I do deserve to be happy, deserve a good relationship, etc. But, is there a difference between feeling you "deserve" something and feeling you are "worthy" enough to have it?? Are the words interchangeable?
The definition of worthy says "having sufficient worth, deserving. Useful or valuable." Definition of deserving? Worthiness.
So, the definition of the 2 words are the same. But, my definition and how I feel the two relate are not the same. Maybe my meaning of deserve, as in I deserve to be in a healthy relationship, is coming from a place of entitlement.
Hmm...I'm using the wrong word. I really don't feel I deserve a healthy relationship because I'm worthy of having one. I feel I'm ENTITLED to one because I've been put through the wringer. That is a big difference. In my mind I still feel the word deserve is the right word, but it's really not when given the definition and meaning.
I believe I read that part of our worth comes from guilt. I have things in my life that I still feel bad about doing. I still have guilt, even though I've tried to release as much of it as I can. And, that guilt does make me believe that I'm not worthy, or deserving, or entitled to a good relationship. Choose your word. In this case they all mean the same thing.
Amazing, while I am thinking about this guilt I have, my chest starts to hurt. I can feel all the guilt I have still remaining inside me. It is this guilt that makes me think I deserve to be punished. A very common theme for me these past few years. No one likes when I say that. I just feel that if I do something wrong, there is nothing another person could do to me that is worse than the punishment I give myself. Why do I feel this need to punish myself? I haven't figured that out yet.
Maybe by punishing myself I don't have to face the wrath of the person I hurt. Because I know that someone being disappointed in me and losing faith in me is not something I care to face or handle.
And, I can think of a few situations where I feel apologizing to the person directly is the only thing that can solve my guilt. But, it could hurt other people. And, that means I need to find another way to absolve myself of this guilt.
Whew..my head hurts this morning. So much is rushing out. It's only been a little over a week since I ended my R with xabf, but the focus on myself and the emotions and thoughts rushing at me feel like a blessing and I don't want to stop them. But, I need some time to digest some of this so I'm going to make the rest of the afternoon a non-thinking day. And, will go off and do some laundry and have some fun with my kids.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I took a break from thinking and analyzing for a day or so. I think it's too easy to try and learn everything about yourself too quickly.
But, I did find this article on personal power that I had saved. I think much of it is beneficial to me and each statement makes a great affirmation. I wish I knew where I got this from, it may have been on this site, I'm not sure.
Personal power looks like this:
* I can assert my own needs and rights. I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
* I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
* I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
* I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
* I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality. I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
* When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
* I know that I am capable of being in my True Center regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
* I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
* I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work. And so it is!
* I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be. My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
* If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
* I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job. I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honor me, as I honor myself, will be my reality.
But, I did find this article on personal power that I had saved. I think much of it is beneficial to me and each statement makes a great affirmation. I wish I knew where I got this from, it may have been on this site, I'm not sure.
Personal power looks like this:
* I can assert my own needs and rights. I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.
* I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.
* I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.
* I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.
* I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality. I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.
* When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.
* I know that I am capable of being in my True Center regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.
* I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.
* I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work. And so it is!
* I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be. My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.
* If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.
* I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job. I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honor me, as I honor myself, will be my reality.
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