mv6348

I know I am not alone, but I feel lonely.

I know I am not the only one that is going through this, but I am the only one that I know of.

I know what is the right thing to do, but I just don't do it.

I know I need to detach, but I still love.

I know I love, but I still need to detach.

I know alcohol is a disease, but I still can't understand it.

I know he needs help, but I can't help him.

I know we haven't talked over two weeks, but I do talk to him everyday in my heart.

I know I care about him, but need to start caring more for myself.

I know he is an amazing man, but he does have a disease.

I know it is a matter of time to heal, but I get desperate.

I know I have my ups and downs, but I want to be at peace.

I know that this was a blessing and a lesson, but it was too much at once.

All I know is that I don't know anything and that this is my journey too. I know everything will be ok. I just hope that everything will be ok.


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I am experiencing all kinds of emotions. I am growing and learning to accept the reality. It is definitely not easy, but each second that passes by it seems to ease the hard times. I miss my ex boyfriend a lot. He is an alcoholic. He really wants to get better, but he is not ready and if he is not ready, he is not ready. No other explanation to that.

I had to let go. It was too painful to watch and to be involved with. I tried many times through our 3 year relationship, but now I know that there is nothing that I can do. It has to come from him. That sucks because I feel powerless, but it is what it is and I can't argue with that. I don't like it and I don't like it makes me feel, but it is what it is.

I miss him because we have memories, we loved each other, we have a history, and because we are humans and humans feel. It is scary to let go of the past because I am afraid to forget what we had. I am afraid to feel the loss.

It is scary to not know what will happen in the future. It is a scary feeling the feeling of the unknown, but just like any recover addict, I am taking it day by day and taking baby steps. Each second counts. I may not see it now and it is extremely painful, but each second makes a difference.

To all of you wonderful human beings that are struggling with an alcoholic (addict), please hang in there and take care of yourself. Life is too precious to just waste it. I am not saying it will be easy, because it is not, but your life is worth peace, happiness and hope.

A warm hug from my heart to yours!

BlueSkies1

I feel or have felt pretty much all of that. We have to trudge on...they leave us no other choice. I have to learn to take care of me again. I lost myself, and lost myself in him.
It's not my first choice which was happily ever after.
Guess that's why they call them fairytales.

ZiggyB

Hello
I so know how you feel... It's been 7 weeks since I broke up with my exbf. I have had so many emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, regret, self hatred, as well as some relief. It is a grieving process we have to go through and my heart was really broken. I had to cry for all of the dreams I had and the hopes we had together, as well as the past. If there's one thing I do feel badly about it's the harsh words I used at times, but there was plenty of that coming from him. It's so difficult to keep your calm when you feel like you're being attacked constantly.

But, in the end I really felt like he chose alcohol over me. Yes he may have a disease but he never once tried to get help. It's true they don't really leave us much choice because the relationship gets pretty dysfunctional and painful.

So the past two days I have been feeling better, Thank God. Some of the hurting is starting to subside and I feel okay and like my old self is starting to come back again.

My ex is an amazing man too but I don't think he will ever stop drinking and I just couldn't cope. Going to therapy has helped, my therapist made me realize that the relationship was not going to work out because he wanted someone who would go with him to the bar and party circuit and my days of being the party girl are just over. I just need a nice stable guy who's not angry most of the time.

Things will get better! I kept a journal and I've been writing constantly, I think it has helped.

-z

mv6348

One day at a time!
Breathing.
Today is a not so easy day.

DefofLov

Thank you for this beautiful post.

OhBoy

Very nice, thank you.
OhBoy

itsmylifenow

This post was great and very heartfelt. It was something I felt I could have written myself.

It is time to turn and look inward. As he has his reasons for drinking, we also have our reasons for staying in relationships that are not healthy for us.

There is nothing in your post that I envy except the part where you wrote he was an amazing man. I always thought I saw a glimpse of who my abf could have been, but amazing would have never been the word I would have used. It would be harder, I think, if he had loving, wonderful qualities that I loved and admired. I always thought I saw a possibility of some good things come out of him, but they were few and far between.

Your post hit right on the money today. Thanks so much for sharing

candi7

I hope you have a better day, believe me, I'm there with ya!

It's amazing, as I work the 4th step of AA, I see the pattern of my life that led me to where I am today... I tell you what, I want a better life than I have now and my sobriety must come first. I'm in a weird situation now (still in love), but I've gotta live 1 day at a time, moments at a time some days.. I can't change no one or nobody... at least I have courage to change myself...

*Hugs*

lizatola

Thank you for sharing that. I always tell myself that if I didn't feel some negative every once in a while, I'd never appreciate the good and the positive. You sound like someone in the midst of change and I'm sure you will come out on the other side a much stronger person. It's all part of our struggle called life and it was never guaranteed to be easy, but it can be a victory in the end. Hugs to you!

mv6348

Thanks for your words.
It is definitely hard.

He was highly functional, very loving, an amazing human being, an amazing boyfriend, but he had anxiety issues and he is an alcoholic. That is why I think is extremely hard to accept because he has so much potential, so I feel powerless. He is just not ready to deal with his issues, and he internalizes it everything. Our relationship couldn't move forward because we were stuck and if he didn't love himself, then there is no space for me.

He is going to a doctor once a week, but it is not enough. He knows he has a problem, he has a hard time accepting it, and he just thinks he can do it on his own. That is where the problem is.

It has been 20 days without talking and it is extremely painful. I think of him a lot in hopes that he is doing ok. I just had to step away because it was causing me more pain seeing him struggle.

I had a rough day yesterday, today I am just trying to keep myself busy.

Once day at a time

mv6348

Thanks! It is good to hear the other side and other perspective.

So proud of you and your steps. Keep it up!

As for him, he is not doing any steps and seems to be stuck. He genuinely wants so, but there is not much of an action. He is dealing with multiple issues, and alcohol is one of them. He goes to a great doctor once a week, but that is not enough. He is starting to recognize that.

Trust me, I understand that he needs to love himself first before he could love anybody else, but it is just painful to experience. As much as I hate admitting it, sometimes thought such as "Why not be with me, I can hold your hand when you need me to?, Why can't he move forward and get help? Why is love not enough? I am a great companion and support system" come to mind. It is just painful to admit and see that love is not enough, and that as much as I want to contribute and help, it is his own journey. I need to also take care of my self.

I try to educate myself, to understand him, to understand his disease, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Can I ask you a question? What was your initial gut and push to start your own recovery? I know every individual have their own different journey, but I am just curious what was your turning point?!

Thanks for the support.

mv6348

I am in the midst of a change and yes I know everything will be ok, but the process is quite painful and new to me.

Thank you for the words. Life it is a journey. I am just embracing the hell out of it.

It could always be worse.

NYCDoglvr

Thanks for posting this. It shows our feelings do change and that it's a process. Beautifully written.

candi7

I drank alone in a dead marriage, no love/no sex. Then started to getting attention from the opposite sex.. Left my husband, alcohol led me down some really bad roads... turned into a complete ****... Then someone was gracious to pull me out of my pit..We dated about 6 months before we moved in together.. I started drying out 9 months ago, he didn't know I was an alcoholic.. Then we moved in together... I went to an AA meeting to support him (as he has been sober for years) and realized I had a problem. I drank one last time.. and that drank sobered me up to the point I realize-I don't want it.. not for him, but for me.. Yes, he's loved me more than anyone(and that love and support helped me so much).. but he's not to far from giving up and I'm actually doing really good-but he's living with me-and I'm not the easiest person to deal with.. I have mental health issues that I'm dealing with as well...in 97 days I've been had suicidal thoughts-related to the mental health, so half of my sobriety I've been on anxiety meds. I try to go to a meeting daily..and have a network of support apart from him.. I'm not as codependent on him as I once was-he's out of town for a while and I'm not freaking out (I have severe abandonment issues that run deep in my life).. He gives me a glimmer of hope but no promises.. I said all that to say... I wanted it for myself and am going after it hard...

mv6348

Wow! Thanks for sharing. All of this shows that it is all about the process.

I know that I have helped him so much (getting him out of his darkness, getting him a doctor, being support, listening to him, giving him the best of the best....) but now it is his turn. There is only so much that I can do, and when I noticed that it was starting to affect me, my health, my life, I knew I had to do something about it. That is were I am struggling, because I feel powerless. I am a helper, but not an enabler. It is just hard.

How are you feeling now?!

Have faith in the process, and believe that in the long rung you will be stronger.

HUGS!

candi7

He helped me a lot and I feel I brought him down too (had no desire for that), it did affect him as well, but he noticed it to and pulled back-the pulling back made me stronger.

You sound amazing and you deserve only good for such a sweet heart you have!

I have ups and downs, but feel excited about my future-whatever it brings.. I'm going to have to stand on my own with or without him... I know that I'm a good person and if he chooses to not take this journey with me, then when I'm good and healthy I will find someone who will share this life with me. That is after I deal with my steps in AA and then seek help with sex/love addiction anonymous..

Thanks for your encouragement!

mv6348

Thank you for sharing. Like I said, it is great so see the other side and my situation from another perspective.

Keep it up. Like you say, in the long run everything will be ok.

I also have my ups and downs. It is a matter of day by day.

mv6348

Acceptance?

I am having a difficult time with that.

I know that he is an addict.
I know I can't help him.
I know the relationship was not going to work.

But I can't help to have faith that everything will be ok in the long run.
Is this because I am not accepting the reality?
Why is it that I am holding to hope?
Is this normal?