Inthepit108

A couple of weeks ago I posted for the first time how I had had enough and woke up from years of feeling dead inside after my middle son died and I accepted my AH behavior and just made peace with it. Well as you may remember I started rebelling, not going into work (our business), doing things for myself and then he manipulated me with his sweetness and I fell back down into the pit. During that week of coming alive, I actually felt alive but I also felt so many emotions, fear, excitement, strength, and like I could change my life. Now two more weeks have passed and we are back to status quo only I didn't realize it. Yes I feel comfortable and I like that feeling. But I also feel depressed. I bought paint to paint the bathroom today and I have arthritis and it may not be a good idea for me to attempt climbing up and down a ladder and stretching because it will get the fibromyalgia acting up. But I was comfortable in our relationship because AH went to the doctor and was honest about his drinking and he was so worried about his blood pressure but when we got there it was only slightly elevated. He kept telling me he wasn't drinking any hard liquor and I believed him. So in my mind, he was doing good and going a week or so without hard liquor lowered his blood pressure Then today he makes a statement that stealing my blood pressure meds must have worked because the doctor gave him a clean bill of health. I checked my bottle and yes many are gone. What he doesn't realize is now the doctor didn't give him his own prescription and believe me I will be hiding mine now. His blood pressure has been running 170 over 110! Anyway I have been back to work since last weekend and we have been getting alone wonderfully and I feel comfortable. So today I look in a cabinet and there is an empty bag with a receipt in it for Monday (2 days ago) the same day he went to the doctors and the receipt said it was for Vodka. So I went crazy. I screamed, I cussed and I refused to work today. I was lied to again. I am such a fool. At first he denied the receipt was his and then he denied it was for Vodka even thou is says it on the receipt. Then he said he bought it but hasn't been drinking it. So here I sit with the paint can and I CANT MOVE. I am so pissed at him, I am so pissed at me for believing him. But we all know I am not going anywhere, why? because I am comfortable but I am also depressed. I know you all will tell me to get my butt up and paint or do something for myself but right this minute I don't think I can.

lillamy

You are in the pit.
And I'm not going to tell you to get up and paint.
But I'm going to say that I sat around for years hoping that something would change. And the only thing that changed was that his alcoholism did what alcoholism does -- it got worse.

You already know this is driving you crazy. You already know you don't want to live like this. Where is your closest Al-Anon meeting? They helped me when I didn't see any way out.

Local Meetings

ShootingStar1

I think one of the hardest things for me was the false hope I would get when my AH said he had stopped drinking and doing porn and acted much better. I wanted ever so much to believe him. I so badly wanted my marriage back, and I was so ready to fully engage in the dream again.

But it was the alcoholic loop - he does terrible abusive things while drinking, I protest, he cools it and makes promises, we are much happier, and then I find out he was drinking again, he gets mad and punishes me by doing terrible abusive things, I protest.....

There is no end to this. My AH is currently on relatively "good behavior" even though we are now divorcing. But he is still drinking, much less, but since nothing fundamental has changed, I have to expect that he'll continue the cycle without me.

It takes his repeating this loop with me for me to really understand what is happening. Since I left AH on July 4th, I have been at a distance, but numerous times I have been sucked back into the emotional quicksand. And I'm not sure it won't happen again, but each time, people here remind me of what I told them he is like, and I remember.

Don't beat yourself up about this, inthepit, we were both married many years and these patterns are ingrained in us. Just be glad that you are really starting to see the truth of what is happening between you and your AH. Each time you go round this emotional loop with him, you'll know more and see more. And I hope, for me, and for you, that someday we'll just look out ahead and say "Emotional loop coming toward me" and just step aside.

BothSidesNow

Inthepit108

Thank you for the replies. I literally couldn't move last night but I did stay on this board reading. I read the quacks and actually got some laughs because I he used so many of those statements on me. Then I went to Getting Them Sober discussion board and also watched videos of past tv programs on that site. I went to bed early and listened to a co-dependent cd. I feel like I am now obsessing over how to not be hurt by him so now my entire world is revolving around alcohol related information. BothSidesNow - Even when you are doing what is healthy or right like your separation, don't you feel somedays like you are just going thru the motions but your heart hurts really bad? And when they are loving and kind, you want to forget they are an alcoholic. Twenty-Seven years together, wow, it is just so hard. Much easier to be comfortable and keep the status quo. I don't think I am strong enough to even consider leaving but I will work on not getting pulled into the emotional loop. Lilliamy- Thank you. I keep thinking about going to a meeting. There are only two in our area but because He is a business man and everybody knows him, I feel like I will run into a customer and embarrass him or ruin his reputation. I know I shouldn't care and if I see someone there I know, they are there for the same reason. Twenty years ago when I was very active in Al-anon, my self-esteem would build up and I would leave him. We actually separated 4 times and each time he seemed to go on with his life and had a million friends. I was lonely although I had a few friends but not in this town. I need some friends not to cry my sob stories to constantly, but someone to go to coffee or a movie with. I don't know how to get out there and meet people because I have always shadowed his coat-tail and now that I am in my 50's it is very hard. I guess if I can just get the depression to lift enough to at least work on the many things around this house that need completing, i.e. painting, repairs, cleaning out old junk etc. then I will keep my mind off things and get a feeling of accomplishment. He never fixes or cleans anything inside the house and we have a beautiful home but the outside is always manicured to perfection. Just like him, the people see a well put together friendly person and he is a mess on the inside. I don't want to spend every minute focusing on getting strong or faking it till I make it. I just want to live. I want to feel good, have energy and accomplish something positive everyday until one day I wake up and don't need to be in this relationship anymore. Will that day ever come?

BlueSkies1

Yes, I can answer for me, that my heart still hurts really badly. I feel like I'm "white-knuckling it" through life. But I intend on getting back to being a "normie" as I called it on my thread. I don't intend on staying in some recovery program forever, or being on this board forever, as if I am eternally wounded. For now though--sigh--still wounded.

I don't know if I can achieve this goal--of returning to the normal me I knew beforehand--what I considered a life of sanity--but I sure am going to give it my best shot. I think I have a chance at it.
54 isn't too old--I'm just 5 years behind you.

I love your analogy! A manicured outside, a mess inside. The facade to the outside world hides what is within.
There's no reason why you can't start making your insides beautiful, and you sure can start with the house--it may very well make you feel beautiful inside yourself. Give that arthritis a break, and act on the good days--isn't that what we all have to do--act when we have the positive energy flowing--and accept those days which we do not.
Do whatever it takes, girl !
You don't want to fake it until you make it--I get this entirely. It mirrors my 'don't want to spend my life white-knuckling it' forever, as if eternally wounded.
I think 'fake it until you make it' is a term used for those days when you have no positive energy flowing.
I am getting stronger all the time emotionally, but for me I had to do a clean break. It sure %&*(^$@#* hurt though. I had to cut him loose. That boiling pot of water Grizz was talking about was killing me.

Inthepit108

Today I was a no-show to our business again. I cleaned one bathroom, vacuumed the house, washed the deck door windows, washed clothes, made a bite to eat and called a painter who will come look at the job on Monday. I ordered some books on line and read some posts here again today. I feel good that I accomplished some things but I feel bad that I didn't leave the house and he will be home soon. He hasn't spoken to me again for 1 and 1/2 days. My son noticed I haven't been going to work much and he ran his mouth again but at least he didn't cuss me or threaten me this time. I wish I could get out of here for awhile before he gets home. Maybe I'll just take a ride to walmart. So I'm just checking in because I cherish the support. Hope everyone is having a good evening.