mamabearto3

In my other thread I mentioned that I am a doer. I have a hard time waiting to fix things. I've spent the morning working on a letter that I'd like to read to my husband. I would appreciate some feed back and if I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm tired. Tired of living with an alcoholic. Tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of taking all the blame. Tired of doing all the work. Tired of being last. Tired of beer coming first. Tired of trying to shield our kids from your alcoholism. Tired of pretending this is just a phase. Tired of pretending we're a happy family that isn't being affected by your drinking. I'm tired of lying to everyone, even my own therapist. I'm tired of feeling ashamed of myself for something I'm not doing. I'm tired of feeling alone.
I am seeking help for myself and the kids so that this cycle of alcoholism ends with you. I cannot look at our children and justify them living like this anymore. I cannot allow them to think that being an alcoholic is ok and that it is an ok way to cope with life. I cannot look at my boys and say "I hope they end up like their father." You are no longer living, you are functioning. If you believe our children are not aware because they are so young, you are wrong.
You can only change for your life for you. It wont be for me, a***, I***, or a*****, but we will be there for you when you are ready to live. I need you to seek help and stop drinking. Not for a day, a week, a year, but forever. There are programs and counseling that are available. I am more than willing to help you find something that works for you. If you don't feel you are ready or are not willing to get sober now, I think its time for me to take action. What exactly that will be, I'm not sure yet, but it will start with the kids and I moving out. And we will stay out until you are sober for good. I'm not putting a time limit on you, but I expect change soon. I have no desire to disrupt our kids lives anymore than it is, but I'd rather do it now then spend years cleaning up the mess that will surely ensue if we continue down the road we're on.
My goal with this letter is not to guilt or shame you. It is to get my feelings and thoughts out without being jumbled. And also to give you time to think and respond. I love you, I really truly do.

theuncertainty

The letter is very well thought out and, from this side, does indeed follow through with your statement that you don't want to guilt or shame him. How he will take it may be altogether different, but it depends on him and where he is in his addiction.

A question for you to ponder, no answer required on the thread: What do you hope the letter to accomplish? If it's just a vehicle to let him know you're moving out and why, it'll work. If in the bottom of your heart, you're hoping it will help him realize what his addiction is doing to the family and get him to stop, well, I'm afraid it would most likely be wasted paper and breath.

marie1960

I understand your letter.

It makes perfect sense to me.

With kindness I say, I wouldn't put much faith in AH having an A-HA moment.

I read on these boards to work the program you wish the A would/could.

I think it's wonderful that you are ready to put you and your kids first. That truly is the first step in healing. Sending you strength, and wishing you peace.

LaTeeDa

I agree with theuncertainty. If it makes you feel better to write it all down, then that's reason enough to do it. But, if you expect it to change him, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

On a side note, why would you lie to your therapist?

L

dancingnow

Is this your intention?

IMO this letter does not uphold the intention of not guilting or shaming.

Also IMO and from my experience there are much better ways of getting out our feelings when we are dealing with active alcoholics then confronting them with letters we wrote. I am not judging your choice, only letting you know I have been down this road and it did nothing to make me less tired and it did not add anything to my recovery nor my RAH's recovery, except to help me realize I need to focus on myself first and do what is best for me.

A's have plenty of time to think and respond when they are left alone to face the consequences of their addictions.

Easy for me to suggest but hard for me to do all the time but just expressing my love and taking care of what is best for me is the experience that leads to sanity, serenity and recovery.

Have you been to alanon?

mamabearto3

Thank you for your honest responses. I think I'm hoping to show him that I'm done and ready to take the next step. I honestly will be surprised if he responds at all. His usual response to things he doesn't want to hear is to ignore it and drink more. I just want to be able to say those things without my emotions getting the better of me.

Maybe lying (in regards to my therapist) isn't the right word, but like am do to everyone else, I've downplayed how much his drinking affects me/us. I've decided next session I'm going to tell her everything. Keeping it cooped up is driving me insane. Its all I can think about.

mamabearto3

I am ready to take action. I have been working on this all morning as well. I have money that is mine that I can dip into. And I know if I opened up to them, my parents would help.
What would be your suggestion to tell him this? Is it worth it? I am open to any suggestions.
I have not gone to alnon yet. I only really started researching how to do something this weekend when I reached my breaking point. When my husband chose beer and partying over his 6 year old begging him to come home with us. I guess that was my a-ha moment. I realized he will always pick beer over us and I cannot and will not live like that. I promised each of my kids a good life and I'm going to give it to them.

SoaringSpirits

I wrote a similar letter to my AH last year when we separated, but never gave it to him. It has been helpful for me in that I review it often. It's my 'reality check.'

This might be a good foundation for a really honest discussion with your counselor.

Meantime, get your finances in order, do as much prep work as you can. Once you hit him with that final 'boundary' you will want to be prepared to move ahead with it without hesitation. Don't hold your breath that this will get his attention, sad as it is.

Like you, I had an 'aha' event (Easter Sunday spent alone with our kids while AH sat in a tool shed and drank) and months of quiet preparation (with the hope that it was unnecessary) suddenly bloomed into action. When it happened (separation) it happened fast. I was DONE. I couldn't take one more weekend. I hadn't gone to an Alanon meeting yet, and found myself at one 24 hours after I kicked him out. I've found Alanon to be a huge help and encourage you to take advantage of it. That and SR have truly been my lifeline as my marriage finally, truly crumbled.

BlueSkies1

If you can follow through on your ultimatum, then go ahead. Here's the thing though--most of us have given ultimatums and then caved when the A doesn't respond in the way we hoped we would force, control, and shock them into, even when we so believed ourselves that we would follow through!

Then we are like the boy that cried wolf when one wasn't coming--and the A in our lives then knew that our word was our own form of manipulation and not a real threat to their addiction at all.

That is why people here are hesitant to give ultimatums, especially listening to them in codependents early attempts to control their own lives.

Most of us simply got to that point that there was nothing left to say, and simply left, exhausted, after years of the good fight.

You are early in your attempts to change your life, and you are starting out by issuing the ultimatum--it's the normal first attempts. If you are truly strong enough to walk away now, then go ahead, but I suspect like many of us that when you are truly ready to walk away, it won't be a letter with ultimatums, it will simply be quietly packing your bags.

You can't control his drinking. Your letter reads like an attempt at control. This is why we tell you that he has to want recovery himself. You trying to force him into recovery will 99.999999% of the time simply result in him hiding it, being sober for a short time then lying about it when he goes back, new and more volitile arguments, moving in with each other, out again, and over and over, with each argument nastier than the last.
I want your story to be different. I want a simple letter to make all the difference in the world. And I can tell you that it never happens that way.

He has to want his recovery himself, he has to want to stop drinking himself. When you are ready to accept that, then you will be ready to act, with no drama, but simple acceptance. Until then, you are not ready yet...it's simply not that easy, or the rest of us wouldn't be here.
Are you ready to accept that he may choose alcohol over you and your children as you walk away? If not...Alanon.

ZiggyB

I can attest to the fact that my A. did got very angry when confronted about his addiction...

Also I tried sending him emails like this and I can tell you it did NADA. We broke up and he kept on drinking.

Learn2Live

I wouldn't give him the letter.

mamabearto3

Thank you all for your very honest replies. I think I know deep down that this letter wont work. But I feel like I have to say something!! Do I though? Is it worth it? Do I tell him I'm thinking about leaving? I know that this life we are living is not working. For the last few months have been taking the blame for the imbalance in our lives, I've been putting it on myself. I'm tired of it. I want calm and serenity (as much as one can have with young children). Is leaving him the only way to achieve this? Can he clean up without us leaving? I'm so lost.

ZiggyB

I was told: "I will do whatever I want and you will shut up about it."

I would not tell him you are thinking of leaving unless you have a plan for following through on it. You have to decide if you can deal with the way things are. It is unlikely that an A. will quit on their own without outside help and unless he admits he has a problem.

LaTeeDa

This is where giving him the letter will likely cause you disappointment and pain. If getting him to see the light is what you are going for, not only will you most likely be disappointed, but you are leaving yourself wide open for his manipulation. I've seen it time and time again, both in my own experience and the experience of the stories I've read on this board.

Here's how it goes: You tell him you are leaving unless he gets sober. He says "okay, if that's what it takes, I will do it." Then he goes through the motions to get you off his back and try to convince you that he will comply with your wishes. He gets angrier and angrier since he is "doing what you wanted" and you are still not happy.

If you are ready to leave for your own happiness and well-being, then by all means take that step. If you are leaving to knock some sense into him, or threatening to leave for the same reason, then wait. Awareness-->Acceptance-->Action. Do not take the action until you have fully accepted that nothing you say or do will change his trajectory. Do it for you, or don't do it.

That's my experience, anyway.

L

BlueSkies1

When we give ultimatums, we are essentially threatening someone.
When we simply act, we are following through.
When dealing with an active A, it is best to keep your own counsel, or share with someone safe, like a therapist.
Sharing with the A what your plans are, can propel them to violence or vindictive behaviors.
As I write this it is sinking in with myself why ultimatums never work. They are threats.

Action would be: I am leaving and taking the children with me until you are sober for a significant amount of time. Then doing that.

How comfortable are you with the thought of moving out, him not getting sober, sharing custody and/or visitation, financial fallout, him getting a girlfriend, marriage might be over forever...where are you really with those possibilities?

marie1960

From your post, I am gathering that this is not your first attempt to try and reason with your AH. Sounds like you have had the "Ive had it with your drinking" talk on more than one occasion.

If it were me, and I was serious and ready to leave, I would secure new housing, pack my things and leave. Your actions will speak for themselves, no need for discussion. Personally, I did not have an intelligent conversation the whole 5 years I was with an active alkie. It was like talking to a brick wall. I do not believe there is anything you can say to actually reach him. It is so damn frustrating.

Like LaTeeDa says, you have to do it for yourself, when you are ready, you will leave. Not going to sugarcoat it, it will be rough for a bit, but it is not nearly as bad as living in the day to day toxic situation you currently are living. Baby steps, my friend.

marliese22

For me it has been 27 years of the I will quit it lasts for a few months then returns each time getting worse. It has taken a toll on my health migraines, ulcers, frown lines, and depression. I kept thinking if I loved him enough he would be able to turn his life around but before I finally asked him to leave I was actually hoping that he would die( I still can't believe I thought that). But I finally found the courage to do this, I am worthwhile and a good person,they have a way of making us feel very bad about ourselves. My counselor is a godsend. My AH husband has told me he can't quit on my terms it has to be his and I finally get that I cannot save him from himself. I will take care of myself and will find peace and happiness eventually. One day at a time or as my friend says one foot in front of the other. Do it because you are a good person and do not deserve what he is putting you through. Much calm and serenity will be in your future if you do what is in your heart.

marliese22

Please do not give him the letter it will change nothing for the better and could make things worse. It was so well written and all those things we all here have felt. Keep it and read when you need reasurance that what you are doing or will do is the right path for you. I am printing a copy for myself as everytime I start to do this I end up in tears just too emotional yet.

JrsJourney

The 3 A's of Alanon might help here: Awareness, Acceptance and Action

Although I think you wrote a beautiful letter that expressed how you feel I think it would be a total waste to give it to your A to read. Please don't get me wrong, I think your letter was wonderfully written and thoughtfully done however the words would be lost on someone who is actively drinking AND I fear (from experiences of my own) that this might backfire in your face and actually could cause harm; either emotionally or physically. I don't trust an A as far as I could throw them right now. This is only my opinion based on my experiences. Until you are ready to actually take the action of NO CONTACT then I would wholeheartedly and undeniably say NO do not give it to him.

Good luck to you!

mamabearto3

Is it just the codependency that makes me think he deserves a warning or at least an insight into what I'm going through? Is it because I'm not taken over by addiction that I am try to rationalize?
I am normally quite outspoken when things are not right, why with this am I so afraid?