Lakia

Hi,

I am only 6 days sober and I am really struggling. I can't think about anything other than 'shall I go get a bottle of vodka'. Am I really a problem drinker? My brain tells keeps telling me no.

I decided to quit drinking last Thursday to see if I can evaluate where I am in terms of drinking. I would drink a big bottle of vodka 3 times a week and really really enjoyed it. My husband and 21 year old son kept asking me to stop but I couldn't see what there problem was. I didn't cause any trouble. I talked alot when drunk but that's about it.

I understand it's not great for my health but kept thinking it would just sort itself out. I think it got worse 3 years ago when I lost my son as he was a stillborn.

Anyway...6 days without a drink and I am soooo tempted to pop to the shop and grab a bottle. Maybe I can limit it to once a week? Or am I just kidding myself and I do have a serious problem.

I do have some vodka in the fridge right now but will not touch it because I dont want a couple of glasses. I want a bottle. So if I am an alcoholic, would I not be drinking anything I can get my hands on? Also I will only drink vodka. There could be wine, cider, beer in the house and I would not touch it.

Sooo Confused!!!!

Lakia

Well... I came onto this site hoping I would gain some support or words of wisdom. I got nothing!!!

I guess this teaches me to be my own support. I did get Vodka and am really dissapointed in myself. I find it really hard reaching out for help, so this was a first for me. I am going to assume that I am not that great at reaching out for help, rather than jump to the conclusion that I am worthless.

I will attend an AA meeting on Saturday and Sunday and maybe you have all done me a favor by not responding to my plea for help. I am not at rock bottom yet but feel like It is possible to get help before I lose everything.

Again anything I do I try to be accountable for my own actions. I do not blame anyone else. I will get help as I now recognize I do have a problem as I could not go 7 days without drink.

ph3314

Welcome to SR Lakia. SO sorry that no one responded to your first post. I am sure a mod will be along to help you out with where the post is. I do think it is in a part of the forum that is not visited frequently. The newcomers to Recovery board is great with a lot of activity. Regardless of that, I am sorry you are feeling as you do.

You are absolutely not worthless and reaching out for help is fantastic. It can be the hardest thing to do! You have come to the right place though and I hope you keep reaching out! There is a lot of wisdom, experience and hope to be found here.

FredG

Hi Lakia - Very sorry I missed your post. I try to monitor the new posts but sometimes they spin by so fast and if I'm not paying attention miss them. I think a lot of people do the same. So if you don't get an answer within a short span, maybe make a addition to the thread and then it goes up to the top of the new posts.

In any case - alcohol is alcohol - The content in Vodka may be more or less than it is in beer, but it's still alcohol.

Going to AA is a great decision. You say you're not at rock bottom. Rock bottom is generally referred to as 'the furthest down the ladder you wish to travel before getting help'. For each of us it's different. You don't have to reach the basement before climbing out.

Again you're right in saying that you need to be accountable for your own actions, but that's not to say that asking for help is wrong. Each of us here needed it at one point or another, and I believe, each of us here is willing to give back what they're able.

MyTimeNow

Hi Lakia, so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and how you think it has contributed to you drinking more. I know these things never leave you and it's easier just to blank the pain out with booze.

It is very confusing when you give up, especially when you can get a week sober under your belt with little problem, it brings up the doubt of - well do I really have a problem?

I can relate to not being bothered by what is in the fridge, what's the point in that? I too could drink a 750ml bottle of vodka, and wanted to - nothing less would suffice. It's not good is it?

I'm sorry about the lack of replies too. You've posted in one of the quieter areas of the site I think. Hopefully you are still about and you can ask for your post to be moved to the Newcomers to Recovery board where there is a lot of traffic and more knowledgeable people than me on hand to help!

Please come back and let us know how you are feeling today.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Lakia

I've moved your post to our Newcomers forum. You're sure to get feedback here.

D

Lakia

Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot to me.

The booze got the better of me yesterday and I drank a whole bottle of vodka even though I promised myself I would leave at least half a bottle. I am hungover and feeling really ashamed of myself. I wish I could just hide away somewhere. I guess I am gonna have to deal with the fall out of last nights drinking. My mouth runs away with itself and I find myself revealing everyones secrets. I also decided to write letters to the elderly people in my area and invite them all round today for a coffee. Seemed like a brilliant idea last night... now I don't know who will be turning up to my house today at 12:00. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.

Sooo hungover! Sooo ashamed of myself.

Sasha4

Hello Lakia

Don't feel ashamed we have all been there!

You don't ever have to feel like this again though. All you have to do is not drink.

Do you think maybe you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure? Writing to elderly people and inviting them for coffee seems a very nice gesture but perhaps a lot of pressure if your feeling a bit off kilter?

Did you recieve professional help for your baby? I am very sorry that this happened. I do not know what I would do if it happened to me.

Keep posting here though xxxx

MyTimeNow

Glad you're still here Laika!

Ohhh dear... prime example of why drinking is not good. Very community spirited though!

Posting here is a great indicator that you are ready to change your lifestyle, lots of support and advice to help you along your way.

I'm sorry that hasn't been much help, I have to shoot off now but I hope not many turn up for you today (they might want to make it a regular coffee morning at yours!) and you manage to have a restful day looking round the site, getting ideas and reaching out for support.

Take care

Lakia

I have not had counselling over the loss of my son. It is just too painful to even think about it, let alone discuss it in any length. I just switch off my emotions when i talk about it. No amount of counselling can get you to come to terms with tucking your baby in a coffin.

Jitterbugg

Hi lakia,
I know all too well about making fantastic plans after a few too many. I am a single man and on a few occasions made dates with girls that I could not possibly make it to or had no interest when I wake up the next morning hungover. Vodka was my poison during my worst drinking days and it pretty much dragged me to rock-bottom. Remember that alcoholism is progressive so things are only going to get worse if you keep drinking the way you do. I'm sure your first posts would have been answered sooner if in a more active section. There are always people here to help!

Rosieblue

Hi Lakia welcome to SR

I also didn't drink everyday and kept telling myself that because of this I didn't have a problem I was wrong

It finally hit me that I had no control and drunk even when I didn't want to even when I was determined not to I was powerless alcohol was becoming my way to cope hide enjoy numb emotions

you have had a tough time ((((hugs)))) I don't know how I would have coped stay strong

IndaMiricale

Welcome aboard

Glad Dee moved your thread.

I am going to start with Congrats on 6 days. I know it took me till I was 39 to put together 6 six without drinking.

As youll come to see you found a great place , and we are all here to support each other. I am stoked to see you going to give a AA a try this weekend. So just go in open-minded, and try to relax. Just say hi and the rest should fall into place. I go almost daily and have for over a year. I love the meeting aspect of the program.

Please keep coming back and reading and posting.

Oh and I saw Sheffield, could that possibly be Sheffield Ohio?

Good love, Inda

IndaMiricale

And sorry you picked up the Vodka, but please dont beat yourself up about it.Finsihing the whole bottle after just saying half is what "we" alcoholics do.

I think its a small blessing , I can only speak for me but I drank daily for 20plus years. I can say if I stopped for a couple and only drank half the one day, the next I would of woke up drank that other half and got more. Then repeat and repeat.

You can be free.

iWillBSobr

Hi Lakia,

Happy to have you here. It does sound like you have a drinking problem. Those who can drink and moderate are able to put the glass down after one or two. We are all here because we cannot do that.

Just think to yourself, what is alcohol really doing for you? It's probably not doing anything - it's hurting you. Why try to moderate something that hurts?

When I finally came to terms with my condition and openly admitted it to others - I was a nervous wreck - everything seemed to change for the better. I felt like there was a bag of bricks lifted off my back and the way was finally clear.

Trying to moderate drinking when you like to drink that much is just exhausting.

If you decide to kick the habit for good, make sure you join the class of August 2012 (I thread in the newcomers for everyone who quit this month) - I am there.

I hope to hear more from you!

instant

Lakia

In my view alcohol promises a solution, but it undermines our resilience and increases our reactivity to stress. The effects on our thinking and emotions are complex. Life is so much better now I am sober- it is only with time I can see what a mess it made of my head.

Wishing you the peace you deserve

fallingtogether

Hi lakia, this is my ?# attempt at walking away and quitting alcohol for good. Most recently I strung 5 days together and in a moment of weakness has some wine 2 nights in a row. I beat myself up, I made the choice though, so I had to live with it. Nw I am back on day 2. I know that I am doing this for me this time. It's taken quite some time for me to get that through my head. Of course my kids and husband were definitely a motivator, in the past I would say this was for them, but when I didn't drink, no one said anything, and that really ticked me off, so I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, expecting praise for normal behavior. Tis time, I dont want praise, I want me to feel good about my decisions. No chip on my shoulder this time. No anger. It is what it is, when I drink, I do it to feel numb, escape life, go to sleep, whatever u wanna say, fact is I didn't enjoy the drink, or the outcome, or the embarrassment, or the hangover. And putting days together has shown me to appreciate even the littlest things. Today should have been day 8, instead it's day 2. I am happy knowing that in the last 8 days I drank twice, not 8 nights! Pull yourself up, and start over! You have to walk before you can run! Best of luck, keep coming back and we will all be here to help you any way we can! Xoxo

benice

Hello, Lakia. Welcome!

I’m glad your post got moved. I don’t know why, but this is the only form I read. Maybe I should change that…

6 days was a terrific start! Good luck with your coffee today!

gincognito

Sounds like your head is really spinning! It will get better faster than you think though it might not feel like it now. Just get to some meetings and find the right one.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

what's your plan for staying stopped?

Glad you are here!