i have never done this before - will i make it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
i have never done this before - will i make it?
hi guys, i'm new here. i'm really nervous about even posting and was just browsing around in private, but everyone seemed really supportive and honestly i could use a little support right now.
i'm 23, been dating my boyfriend officially for a little over 4 months. he has a past with percocet dependency and just recently told me that it had become a problem again and stopped taking them, went thru withdrawal, and has now been clean again for a little over 2 weeks. before he admitted to me that he was having a problem with the pills, we started fighting over weed because that's what i thought was making him fall asleep while he was talking to me, act angry and irritable, and become unreachable when he was high. i now know that i was recognizing all the signs, but identifying the wrong drug.
two nights ago i broke up with him after a huge fight that extended over the weekend. NOT because he is an addict, but for various insecurities and road blocks in our relationship. lord knows i am far from perfect and it certainly takes 2 to tango, but it was getting too hard to make him see that i do not aim to hurt him. i now realize this fear stems from the same place his addiction stems from. the problem is i love him! isn't that i always the problem huh? he doesn't want to break up and quite honestly neither do i. in all other arenas he is a great person and great boyfriend. we have fun together, we can be silly together, he is chivalrous, adamantly refuses to let me pay for things even when i beg, is respectful, makes me feel beautiful and smart, and makes time for me. he actually hasn't DONE anything to me. but emotionally he is fighting his own demons and that is going to come (and HAS come) into the relationship whether we like it or not.
i am DEAD scared. i have never done this before! i have never dealt with an addiction head on like this with someone i love and am intimately involved with in many ways. i am in school getting a mental health counseling degree and it kills me because he will not see a therapist. he says he can do it with the love of the people around him and his own willpower, and not that i don't believe him or don't respect that, but it's very hard to work past an addiction when you're not dealing with the things behind propping it up, you know?
i'm sorry this is so long, i just don't know what to do. in the end, it would probably be better for me to just let it go. but that's love! and we have seen so much happiness together. any advice? thanks in advance and sorry this turned out to be so long!
i'm 23, been dating my boyfriend officially for a little over 4 months. he has a past with percocet dependency and just recently told me that it had become a problem again and stopped taking them, went thru withdrawal, and has now been clean again for a little over 2 weeks. before he admitted to me that he was having a problem with the pills, we started fighting over weed because that's what i thought was making him fall asleep while he was talking to me, act angry and irritable, and become unreachable when he was high. i now know that i was recognizing all the signs, but identifying the wrong drug.
two nights ago i broke up with him after a huge fight that extended over the weekend. NOT because he is an addict, but for various insecurities and road blocks in our relationship. lord knows i am far from perfect and it certainly takes 2 to tango, but it was getting too hard to make him see that i do not aim to hurt him. i now realize this fear stems from the same place his addiction stems from. the problem is i love him! isn't that i always the problem huh? he doesn't want to break up and quite honestly neither do i. in all other arenas he is a great person and great boyfriend. we have fun together, we can be silly together, he is chivalrous, adamantly refuses to let me pay for things even when i beg, is respectful, makes me feel beautiful and smart, and makes time for me. he actually hasn't DONE anything to me. but emotionally he is fighting his own demons and that is going to come (and HAS come) into the relationship whether we like it or not.
i am DEAD scared. i have never done this before! i have never dealt with an addiction head on like this with someone i love and am intimately involved with in many ways. i am in school getting a mental health counseling degree and it kills me because he will not see a therapist. he says he can do it with the love of the people around him and his own willpower, and not that i don't believe him or don't respect that, but it's very hard to work past an addiction when you're not dealing with the things behind propping it up, you know?
i'm sorry this is so long, i just don't know what to do. in the end, it would probably be better for me to just let it go. but that's love! and we have seen so much happiness together. any advice? thanks in advance and sorry this turned out to be so long!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi ON2, 
to SR. I am glad you found us. My advice to you, as a woman who has known addiction her entire life and has been involved "romantically" with at least 3addicted men and has several brothers with addiction and alcoholism, is to move on NOW and get a boyfriend who is not an addict. Yes, it is scary to move on, but life is all about moving on. At 23, you should be dating several people at one time to learn about the kinds of people out there, and not get tied down in a relationship. You do not need to be strapped to a person who is addicted to both pot and percoset, and lord knows what else he does that he has not told you about. My brother became addicted to percoset at about age 23 or 24 and he is now over 40 and has NEVER truly conquered his addiction and likely never will. Yes, he had some clean time here and there but only AFTER his percoset addiction spiraled out of control to the point where he was shooting up whatever he could get his hands on, including heroin, and became homeless and destitute. The percoset abuse went on for almost 20 years. Eventually, their "legitimate" pharmaceutical supply from doctor shopping and having elective surgeries runs out and they are forced to turn to street drugs.
Do not let the fact that this person is "only" doing pot and pills fool you. Addiction is a very serious matter. It DESTROYS. Destroys people, families, love, togetherness. It is horrible. Just keep poking around here on SR and read other people's stories about their loved ones with addiction and realize that is the road your BF is headed on. You are at a crossroads and it is a very important and crucial crossroads in your life. Do you have addiction or alcoholism in your family of origin? If so, you may want to attend Al-Anon meetings and start investigating why you are attracted to and pick a drug addicted man as a partner.
(((Hugs))) YOU CAN DO THIS. Call up your best girlfriends and surround yourself with them and other supportive people to get your through this time. You are so young, please turn around and walk away from this guy. There are SO MANY great guys out there who do not do drugs.
to SR. I am glad you found us. My advice to you, as a woman who has known addiction her entire life and has been involved "romantically" with at least 3addicted men and has several brothers with addiction and alcoholism, is to move on NOW and get a boyfriend who is not an addict. Yes, it is scary to move on, but life is all about moving on. At 23, you should be dating several people at one time to learn about the kinds of people out there, and not get tied down in a relationship. You do not need to be strapped to a person who is addicted to both pot and percoset, and lord knows what else he does that he has not told you about. My brother became addicted to percoset at about age 23 or 24 and he is now over 40 and has NEVER truly conquered his addiction and likely never will. Yes, he had some clean time here and there but only AFTER his percoset addiction spiraled out of control to the point where he was shooting up whatever he could get his hands on, including heroin, and became homeless and destitute. The percoset abuse went on for almost 20 years. Eventually, their "legitimate" pharmaceutical supply from doctor shopping and having elective surgeries runs out and they are forced to turn to street drugs.Do not let the fact that this person is "only" doing pot and pills fool you. Addiction is a very serious matter. It DESTROYS. Destroys people, families, love, togetherness. It is horrible. Just keep poking around here on SR and read other people's stories about their loved ones with addiction and realize that is the road your BF is headed on. You are at a crossroads and it is a very important and crucial crossroads in your life. Do you have addiction or alcoholism in your family of origin? If so, you may want to attend Al-Anon meetings and start investigating why you are attracted to and pick a drug addicted man as a partner.
(((Hugs))) YOU CAN DO THIS. Call up your best girlfriends and surround yourself with them and other supportive people to get your through this time. You are so young, please turn around and walk away from this guy. There are SO MANY great guys out there who do not do drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
thank you so much for the reply, i feel like i am stumbling in the dark and i don't know what to do. he does do other drugs recreationally, as do many people i know, which is normally nothing i really worry much over as it's really a party scene type of behavior. never really makes it safe or okay, but this is the first real bout of addiction i've seen with anyone close to me. addiction does not run in my family and no one else i know intimately has had these issues, nor have i. it is mainly the opioids my boyfriend has a problem with, specifically percocet. i am in so much pain! all of a sudden we were fine, perfect, happy, great love life, laughing all the time, he got a new, great job, i am about to start my second year of grad school, and then all of a sudden the past few weeks it's fight after fight. but really about nothing - no cheating, no abuse, none of that. but the addiction is there and no matter how much we both want to wrap it up and tie a bow on it and call it something else, he is an addict. i am not. and while he is so adamant about not having this problem, and staying off the percs, and being honest and openly dealing with it, i'm NOT sure he realizes that until he deals with himself and everything he is thinking, feeling, and hurting about, he will want to self-medicate. we are on a "break" at the moment, which is stupid because honestly, what is the point of a break? but when we talk in the next few days the addiction process and being a part of the addiction process with him is something that is going. i know i should have just ended it with a clean break when i initially broke it off, but damned if i do damned if i don't. love makes us do crazy things sometimes, i'm just not sure what is right. thank you so much again for the reply.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 104
Hello and Welcome. I am new here too; just joined yesterday. The first thing you need to do is look at yourself. How has this relationship effected or changed you? Has it made you do things or act in any ways that you might have ever thought you were capable of before? I am not an addict but my recovering husband is... We have been married for 19 years and at times I really don't know have I have stayed sane thru our relationship. We have had extreme highs and extreme lows; right now we are both focused on working our programs or the marriage will end. No more chances. So, what I am getting at is - are you willing to venture into a relationship with someone you know has a known addiction? Addiction is a disease and it never just magically goes away. BOTH people are effected always. You might not see it now but it's true. So, just realize if you decide to stay in this relationship for whatever reason that it will be a daily work in progress. Every day you will have to center yourself and reach for serenity and peace. You might even get so wrapped up in his issues you let yourself go...only to look back years later and say WTF happened? How did I get here? Oh and it happens, I am living proof. So, it all boils down to choices. If I knew THEN what I know NOW I think my life would have been different. Not saying I don't love my hubby - I DO!! I love him but i absolutely HATE his disease. And when he is in active using state he LOVES his disease and is pissed at anyone getting in the way of the love affair he and his disease is having. So the choice is yours. I hope this makes sense and I hope I have helped somewhat.
Progress not perfection; one day at a time.
Progress not perfection; one day at a time.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
we were fine, perfect, happy, great love life, laughing all the time, he got a new, great job, i am about to start my second year of grad school, and then all of a sudden the past few weeks it's fight after fight.
You can always make a clean break now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Move on, Sweetie. You don't need a boyfriend who resembles your future clients. You need a partner who you can relax and confide in when you get home from a long day of helping other folks heal. If I were you I'd feel suspicious about someone who thinks he can do it on his own--that is such a red flag. And it doesn't respect the profession you are studying to be a part of professionally. You are not damned if you break it off. It hasn't been very long, you don't have children and a house together...Just my thoughts. No judgement, just a heartfelt response from a 45 yo woman who's walked this road a bit, seen some stuff, and had a little insight to share. Peace & all the best to you. I know it is hard. Be true to yourself. There are other wonderful men out there for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Welcome and sorry you need to find yourself here!
Four months may seem like a long time to you but for those of us who are older and have kicked around a bit it is a very short period of time in our minds. That does not diminish what you are feeling....it just should go to demonstrate to you that in the course of a lifetime....it is a very very short amount of time.
I would suggest to you that you look at how you invision your life. I would guess that dealing with all of this stuff probably doesn't even enter the picture. That is ok...you can give yourself permission to walk away after only 4 months. 4 years maybe we could talk about it....but now you need to look forward to building your life and not being held back. This is not enough time with someone to compromise your life style and goals.
Close the door on this softly and respectfully and move on. My advice.....
Four months may seem like a long time to you but for those of us who are older and have kicked around a bit it is a very short period of time in our minds. That does not diminish what you are feeling....it just should go to demonstrate to you that in the course of a lifetime....it is a very very short amount of time.
I would suggest to you that you look at how you invision your life. I would guess that dealing with all of this stuff probably doesn't even enter the picture. That is ok...you can give yourself permission to walk away after only 4 months. 4 years maybe we could talk about it....but now you need to look forward to building your life and not being held back. This is not enough time with someone to compromise your life style and goals.
Close the door on this softly and respectfully and move on. My advice.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.......there is a lot of collective wisdom here regarding addiction and what life is like with an addict.
We all love an addict in our lives. Some of us are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, sisters, brothers.......we all have one thing in common. We love someone addicted to drugs. It's a rough road that I wouldn't wish on anyone. If you decide to proceed with the relationship, know that you have support here. If you choose to move on, you won't need it.
gentle hugs
ke
We all love an addict in our lives. Some of us are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, sisters, brothers.......we all have one thing in common. We love someone addicted to drugs. It's a rough road that I wouldn't wish on anyone. If you decide to proceed with the relationship, know that you have support here. If you choose to move on, you won't need it.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
he does do other drugs recreationally
It is not for me to tell you what to do, but with such a short time invested in this relationship and with the problems it has brought you already, if I were your mama I would tell you to run for the hills.
Take a read around and decide if living with an addicted boyfriend is how you want to spend your life...because even recovery has no guarantees and addiction is a life long problem and it takes a lot of work and commitment to stay clean.
Good luck, I hope you find support and comfort here and some knowledge of what may be your future.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
ON2....
I am sorry for your struggles right now. You said that your ABF says he can stop on his own with the help of his loved ones. I can tell you from experience with my brother that the chances of that happening without professional help is slim. My brother has had brief periods of sobriety off and on for many, many years. He also has said that he can do it on his own, yet time and time again relapses. He got his girlfriend pregnant and the birth of his son wasn't even powerful enough to seek recovery. I am now watching my brother's addiction impact his son more than any of us, and it makes me angry and sad. Whether you choose to stay or go, please think about your motivation for staying. You cannot rescue him from this. He has to be willing to do this on his own. You can love him all you want, but that love isn't going to change the addiction. I know that sounds harsh, but my brother says that when you are an addict the only thing that matters is the addiction. You also need to consider what your life would be like if you stayed with him. What if years from now, after you are married and/or have a child with him, he starts using again? Then it is not just you, but a child as well. Please think carefully before you decide to stay with him. Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is let them go.
I am sorry for your struggles right now. You said that your ABF says he can stop on his own with the help of his loved ones. I can tell you from experience with my brother that the chances of that happening without professional help is slim. My brother has had brief periods of sobriety off and on for many, many years. He also has said that he can do it on his own, yet time and time again relapses. He got his girlfriend pregnant and the birth of his son wasn't even powerful enough to seek recovery. I am now watching my brother's addiction impact his son more than any of us, and it makes me angry and sad. Whether you choose to stay or go, please think about your motivation for staying. You cannot rescue him from this. He has to be willing to do this on his own. You can love him all you want, but that love isn't going to change the addiction. I know that sounds harsh, but my brother says that when you are an addict the only thing that matters is the addiction. You also need to consider what your life would be like if you stayed with him. What if years from now, after you are married and/or have a child with him, he starts using again? Then it is not just you, but a child as well. Please think carefully before you decide to stay with him. Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is let them go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ON2 
he actually hasn't DONE anything to me. but emotionally he is fighting his own demons and that is going to come (and HAS come) into the relationship whether we like it or not.
You have this right. He's not using at you. It's not personal. It's his demon.
he says he can do it with the love of the people around him and his own willpower, and not that i don't believe him or don't respect that, but it's very hard to work past an addiction when you're not dealing with the things behind propping it up, you know?
You have this right. He's not using at you. It's not personal. It's his demon.
he says he can do it with the love of the people around him and his own willpower, and not that i don't believe him or don't respect that, but it's very hard to work past an addiction when you're not dealing with the things behind propping it up, you know?
There is nothing you can say or do or not that will get and keep him sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are. If love and support were all it took to snap them out of it, none of us would be here.
Remarks such as the one he is making are usually attempts to keep us hooked into their situation.He has not remotely accepted his own powerlessness over drugs.
Alcohol and weed are common gateways that lead right back to the addicted person's drug of choice.
He does not sound ready to make the changes within himself and his own lifestyle that will lead to permanent sobriety. Can you accept him as is/where is, knowing addiction is progressive and do so without any intention of compelling him to change into the guy you want him to be?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
thank you everyone so much for the support and the advice and for sharing your stories with me, everything you guys have said has been so insightful. i did decide to let him go. it would break my heart to watch someone who i think is the world not help themselves. and i can't drag him to that point, that much is certain. he needs to walk to that point on his own. my heart is aching! but i know i made the right decision. thanks so much again.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
((((ON2))))) I'm sorry, sweetie. God, it hurts. I know. You are doing the right thing for BOTH of you. I hope you see that. Feel free to hang out with us for as long as it takes -- we are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I would guess the lyrics to the siren song would include a blaming shaming part about her "not being willing to help him, the one who loves her so much, when that is what she is studying for in her vocation"...but these deeply manipulative words will only come if after all of the other beautiful honey dripping promises were spoken don't work.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
