emptyshell

lying
(Sorry this is a bit jumpy bc I'm upset )My husband is an addict, pain pills (several yrs)which lead to herion (a yr). He put me threw hell and I was gonna leave for my own sanity. I became a horrible, angry, depressed, un motivated, untrusting, awful, worrying wreck of a person who found joy in nothing. Then to my suprise He went to the Dr. in Jan after he hit rock bottom ( he stole from me &his family, pawned items of ours including jewelery from my dead loved ones and my engagement ring, ran up a $5000 credit card and $2000 worth of overdraft on his bank account, bills were piling up, and much more) and the doc prescribed suboxone, he did pretty good on it. I decided to stick it out, if he was gonna get help I was gonna try to heal this marriage too. No drug relapses, but I did feel like he was abusing it at times, taking more than prescribed. Don't know if you can get high off it or not. He didnt do counseling (big mistake, I see that now). He had been clean of pills/herion for 7 months. He took a new job with a higher pay, but doesnt get insurance for 6 months, so he had to go off the subs b/c they were too expensive (about 2 months ago). I thought things were finally looking up for us. I see now NO counseling and a short stent on sub did NO good. He began drinking when he felt the sub withdraw, he drank pretty consistantly since (about a 6 pack a day). I felt like he was replacing one thing with another, I would say that to him, but didnt really put up a fuss about it. Then I went on vacation with my sister for 5 days (2 weeks ago), and he gets a DUI. Of course I was unhappy, but I thought maybe this is another wakeup call for him. He suggested going back to the Dr. bc of drinking and I was all for it and counseling of course. Now its been about 2 weeks since the DUI and I think hes back on the drugs. He hasn't drank and since Fri His pupils are constricted, bloodshot glassy eyes, itching, excess energy, etc. I'm not dumb I work in the healthcare field and I know the signs and I especially know HIS signs. He has been denying it, saying he's been taking Benadryl and cold meds etc. I know he's on drugs, I feel it inside. Money has disappeared, he said he gave money to his mom (keep in mind he owes her about $4000 from the last drug fueled rage), I called her she said he didnt give her money that she lent him money in fact! I told her what I think is going on again, so we can form a pack again to not enable at all this time. My husband says she's lying. So far this week he has sold things of his that he used to enjoy, he didn't tell me about it, he's been hiding it. Until I discovered it today, then he makes an excuse why he sold it, I needed gas (so why not ask me for gas???). He is finding excuses to go out, like oh I forgot my cell at work etc. Weird phone calls and texts to people he used to talk to when he was on drugs before (yeah thats right I checked his cell I know their #s by heart, I hate being that way thats not really me, acting like I'm a detective searching the house, his wallet, his car, and his phone, thats ME when HE'S on drugs). He has been gaurding his cell taking it everywhere, when he didnt do that sober, when sober he'd let me look at cell. All day today I have been searching the web and finally signed up here for HELP ( i am not even sure how to get your answers bc I have never used this before). I have read from members that go to Narcanon/Alanon that I need to make boundries so I sat down and wrote em out. &I am seeking out a Naranon meeting in my area. I kept suggesting the Dr to him and I get NO response now, it has only been about 2 weeks since he himself suggested it! Has addiction grabbed him that fast, in a week? BTW, He must've been sober yesterday b/c he was all depressed and barely talked to me, mooping around. My other questions are: when I set these boundries do I just tell him all of them, or do I wait for a specific things to happen that crosses it and then tell him what I expect and will not put up with? I also read that I need to not be angry with my addict, that I need to be supportive. How do I do this? How do I act as if nothing is wrong when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry histerically. Isn't acting like nothing is wrong just like ignoring the problem? We fought today (according to others I am not supposed to do that I'm supposed to be supportive) and he said if you want me to take a drug test just ask and I said I wanted him to, then he says "you don't need to waste your $ on that and I am not gonna give you the satisfaction, you should just believe me, are you with me or against me here?" This is manipulation right??? Why would he suggest it just to refuse it in the next breath? ANd my other question is aimed more for a recovering addict to answer. I know addicts lie to cover their disease, push you away so you dont get in the way of their drugs, to stop a fight, etc etc. There are oh so many reasons why they lie, but my question isn't why; it is how can they lie to you straight to your face, watch your heart break and you/ their spouse turn into a debilatatingly depressed empty shell that cries all day and they don't even have a feeling about it? Like WOW I am really hurting someone I supposedly love here and I need to snap out of it and quit the drugs, or atleast tell the truth so she can make a fair decision for herself. ANy none addicted person would feel sad/upset that they are hurting someone else so much. I know I would. But not him its like it doesnt phase him, like there are no more feelings in side of him anymore. I don't know what happened to the man I married and the man I thought I had back, but I can tell you that my addict is a horrible horrible person who I resent so much. Please can any one answer my questions and give me some peace of mind?

oooopps

On the issue of being supportive, you are there to support his sobriety, not using. so when he is being a jerk to you as a result of using, you do not need to be supportive of that. You are entitled to stand up for yourself.

Heroin is a nasty nasty drug. It completely overtakes the addict and dominates their thoughts and actions. Lying, stealing, breaking hearts are all part of the package. I also had a heroin addict in my life for many years. Thankfully I got out. Life is much more peaceful, safe, and hopeful not having that person in my life. During my recovery from the wrath of that relationship, I read this blog response written by another girl that had a heroin addict boyfriend and it helped me ... share with you:

Anyone have a boyfriend/girlfriend who uses drugs, mainly heroin and it is slowly ruining your relationship? | Answerbag

I recommend you to think about what kind of life you want for yourself in the long term. Is this the kind of lifestyle you can live with for the rest of your life or do you envision something better, way better than what you have now?

A life with a heroin addict will always be a rollercoaster ride. Sobriety is difficult and very low in statistic for this particular drug of choice. If you choose to stay with your husband, then educate yourself on the drug and more importantly codependency. I really believe that healthy people choose to be with healthy partners and that they get themselves out of toxic relationships.

Go back to the main forum page and read the stickes. I recommend "10 Signs It's Time to Let Go" and "Are you Codependent?"

Hang in there... there is always hope no matter what.

Vale

They lie.It's what they do.They are completely ruled by their proto
(reptilian) brain.The part of the brain that 'cares',can recognize
probable behavioral outcomes(cortex).....is completely overridden.

Is your husband a horrible person? I can't answer that. I know that
the person I cared about did ALL those things-----without forming an
intent at all.

I think that's the part that scares the crap out of 'normies' like
us the most.The sense that there isn't a person behind those eyes at
all.Merely a calculating biochemical computer as dispassionate as a
spider stalking a fly.

Your husband forming a plan to hurt and betray you is awful.But at
least it's human.Understandable.Betrayal,for all it's bad press,IS a
higher order function....formed from an intent,originated in the cortex.

This other thing,this primal force,from a primitive center brain
hundreds of millions of years old---that we share with the lowest
chordates.......scares the crap out of us.

It should.

emptyshell

I stayed up all night crying alone. As i did many nights when he was using before, he slept like a baby. We fought again this morning about the drug test and the Dr. and the calls/texts and of course I got no where from it. When am I gonna learn!? He actually thought it was funny that I am this upset, he said I will see he's not a drugs that he learned his lesson last time and he knows what he needs to be doing right now bc of his past experience. In what sick mind is this pain funny, I would never put my husband or family through that. Or is it funny b/c I have become the enemy to his drug so quickly again??? If the shoe were on the other foot, I being a normal human being would just p*ss in the cup to make him feel better b/c I have nothing to hide. How do I set those boundries that the Naranon people talk about? (read previous post) I need some answer in the meantime til I find a meeting near me.

Oooops- thank you for the advise and article ( i will have to read later as I must get ready for a job interview- like I'm gonna get this job looking like a hot mess). To answer the question you told me to ask myself- I do not want to live with an addict, a recovering addict with no slip ups I can handle, but an active addict NO WAY. The wounds he imposed on my heart, mind and emotions in the last episode are still fresh and I still very much remember what kind of person that turned me into. Its weird you say about toxic people bc that is something I always say and generally practice too, except for him. I don't know if it's bc I have low self esteem & am afraid of being alone, or if it's bc I take my vows so seriously, or b/c the hope for him that is inside of me hasn't completely died yet. But I do know that he pushed me to my breaking point last time and I was on the verge of leaving (it was the worst 2 years of my life and the first 2 yrs of our marriage, thought that was supposed to be the honeymmoon period, yeah right). I had everything set up to move home with my Dad, when he suddenly had a change of heart and went to the Dr. Maybe that scared him, maybe bc I was so different to him, had a plan in place, and the whole family knew, maybe then he finally got it. Atleast thats what he said changed him, that and all the debt!
So you say I should support his sobriety ok I can do that. ANd I can stand up for myself when he's a jerk too, I usually have no probs with confrontation. However, how do I act when I know he's high but he's acting ok? Do I act normal? Do I refrain from asking are you high? When all I want to do is freak out yelling and crying. I have seen that Naranon members have posted not to cry, beg or plead with your addict, to seperate yourself emotionally and physically if you must, but that doesn't make sense to me yet. He and I talked right after I got back from vac about selling our place (it's not worth alot) to pay off the DUI fines and the debt he's been trying to pay off and moving in with my Dad. But I told my husband if he's on drugs I will be the only one moving and he can pay his own stuff I will not help. I have an internal conflict about that though. The way I figure it is: If he's sober paying the fines/debt is good for us and living with Dad would make me feel safe&secure and help us and my Dad to save $. But on the other hand, if my husband is doing drugs it will be bad all the way around. If my Dad see's him messed up in his home or finds out he has stolen something, my Dad will flip call the cops and kick my husband out. I am not worried about that bc thats the right thing to do, and in some wimpy way I feel maybe thats the way out, maybe I could deal with it bc I didnt have to leave or kick him out, dad would do it for me. Thats so sad that I am actually thinking that! What I am worried about is that my Dad will be upset with me for bringing this BS to him! Do you have any opinion on this????
Dad and I have talked about the possibilities of a high or sober husband and he told me straight out, in my house there are rules and you know that/them, everyone has responsibilities and drugs/excessive drinking are a zero tolerance policy, &if I find drugs, stealing etc hes gone&the cops will come, but if he does good here I will be happy to have him. My Dad used to drink alot when I was very young, he quit cold turkey 23yrs ago, he married his 2nd wife and she had a drug/alcohol prob that he dealt with for 2 yrs and then kicked her out, so I completely understand his point of view. ANd my home growing up was always zero tolerance and expectations were hi. I can live up to that, but can my husband? He grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents (still are) that let him do whatever bc they were too messed up to notice he had no rules he fended for himself, and I think thats why he's so messed up.

becky1982

(((emptyshell)))
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I feel your pain as I am walking this road with you. Our stories have many similarities, I am married less than 2 years and this all happened in that short time. My husband has also been on subs and not attending counseling or NA and therefore NOT recovering. Boundaries are tricky, especially in marriage because there is supposed to be a merging of lives and with our vows we essentially promise not to have boundaries, and its confusing. But here is what I've come to understand about boundaries: they will save your life and may save his as well. If you suffer his consequences for him you are preventing the very process of learning that mistakes entitle us to. Life is meant to be a process of learning and growing for all of us and that process requires that we experience pain, discomfort and sadness at times. If you go around cleaning up his messes for him (like selling your property to pay HIS debt which is the direct consequence of his addiction) you are preventing him from hitting bottom and getting real help. It doesn't sound like he has gotten real help yet. Suboxone is a double edged sword, reduces harm of active addiction but prolongs active addiction when not combined with other treatment like counseling and meerings, its like suspended animation addiction IMO. Boundaries also bring us back to OUR center, because loving an addict often causes us to lose ourselves, living an other-centered exsistance. When we truly grasp that nothing we do or don't do will control, cause or cure our loved ones addiction, we come back to our own life, and just maybe start living it if we chooses. Here is my favorite boundary quote:
"Boundaries emerge from deep within. They are connected to letting go of guilt and shame, and to changing our beliefs about what we deserve. As our thinking about this becomes clearer, so will our boundaries." -M.B. the language of letting go.
Instead of thinking about what to do or how to behave in terms of "rules", like I'm not supposed to express anger or I'm not supposed to act like I care or don't care, start with self acceptance, feel your feelings and do the only thing that you can do that works: practice taking care of yourself. I think the next steps will become clear. But obviously I'm no expert, just a fellow traveler on this dark road with you. But we are together, and we can help eachother find the sun again.

Kindeyes

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over the addict--that OUR lives had become unmanageable.

This is the first step of the twelve step program of Nar-Anon. When people from Nar-Anon suggest that you stop yelling, pleading, etc., it is because we are spinning out of control ourselves when we do this in an effort to control something that we can't. OUR lives become unmanageable because we are totally focused on trying to control someone else's life. An impossible task.

In Nar-Anon we learn to stop trying to control someone else and begin focusing on that which we can....ourselves.

This often makes NO SENSE to most people.....particularly the close loved one of an addict. Every thought you have written has gone through my head before I began my own recovery. Why don't they realize what their using is doing and just stop it? Well.....let's change that question.....why don't we (the addict's loved ones) just realize that we are trying to control that which we cannot....and just stop it? Ahhhhhh.........not so easy is it?

You've now attended your first Nar-Anon meeting right here on SR. Keep coming back.

gentle hugs
ke

emptyshell

Becky1982 (we are the same age), thank you for your kind words. It really does help me to get on here and vent a little. I am sorry you are going through this too. I wish I had some comforting words for you, but I am truely not there yet, I am bitter and upset currently and hope to someday be a better "chatter" w/ you. I thought I did let go of the control, last time, I totally gave up after seeing how bad he was and how bad that dragged me down too. I think thats why I had enough and was ready to go. Can you tell me a little about your story? If you don't want to I understand. Do you go to Narcanon or counseling for yourself? Does it help? It is so very hard to know who or how to be around him that I did lose myself before, I was starting to feel good again when he was sober, but its so interesting how quickly thats turned to crap again. I feel like a weak person, I truely never used to be that way. If someone said or did something I didn't like/argee with and there seemed to be no reasonable solution I had no problem writing them off, but I am not that person anymore after years of my husbands problems. I have no other solution for myself except for me to go to meetings (bc I cant afford a therapist). Thank you for the advice on the home and fines situation, maybe I can get more clarity on that at a meeting too. I still feel like its a good idea (however some part of me thinks thats wrong and is thinking just like you) I have been wanting to sell this place for years (that was our goal, fix it up live here til I graduated college then use that $ for a down pymnt on a house) I am not happy here, too close to scumbags and his alcoholic family, and this place just reminds me of the bad times. I kinda feel that living with my dad would help me ground myself again and gain back some sanity. This place is in my husbands name even though we bought it together before we married and I am afraid if I leave he will sell and use all the $ on drugs (theres that control thing u mentioned!), where as if we sell I can make him pay fines/debts and I will get some $ out of it too to pay off my mountain of student loans. I just graduated and have yet to find a job w my degree so I am pretty much broke! Maybe if the fines/debts are paid I will feel like I did all I could to help, and that its not my fault if our marriage fails. IDK. Maybe thats just crazy thinking, I know my fam would say F it take your pets and get out while you still can, while you are still sane. But as I said some part of me feels bad to leave at such a horrible time (between his debt and possible fines its prolly gonna be close to 12K and theres no way he can get out of it on his own, I know I know let him suffer the consequences). But how can you do that to someone you vowed to love, honor and cherish, someone you vowed to give up all your wordly goods for (yes that was our vow), sickness and health? I guess it boils done to that control thing again, ugh, thats one of the hardest parts...

FindingErica

ES, welcome to the group! I will write more later but wanted to at least send a greeting you way and a ((hug))

lesliej

emptyshell...your name says A LOT

we, as codependents, often end up as sick or sicker than the addict

there is a lot to learn about yourself, and you are on the right path

please read all the stickies here...those posts that are "stuck" up on the top of the lists of posts...there is a lot of info for you there. also, when you post and feel the need to say a lot you can break it up into smaller paragraphs and sentences so that it is easier for us to all read

you will find your way, life will get better, you are making the right moves and finding resources to take your first steps toward getting better! good for you! some of what you hear in the beginning will not make sense to you, it will seem as though everything is the addicts fault, which is easy to imagine and believe. but just keep posting, reading and listening.

get yourself a couple of solid books, like "Codependent No More" and find a meeting. You will be simply and totally amazed where you are in just a few days, weeks, months!!! we are here for you!

outtolunch

If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. There is nothing you can say or do that will get him sober or keep him clean. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Sounds like your dad has some good boundaries. He has made the decision to not live with substance abusers. He is not trying to control other people. Rather, he is protecting himself and home from all the BS and chaos that goes hand in hand with addiction. And by golly, when and if someone steals from him he is prepared to call the Police and press charges.

oooopps

emptyshell,

I can tell you from my own experience that I did not let the heroin addict anywhere near my family. My parents and their home are my sanctuary and I simply did not allow that kind of stuff near them. This would be one example of drawing boundaries. It was not announced to him, just something that I did and believed was right to do. My parents did not need to be victims of my bad choices.

I would suggest that you do not bring your Husband anywhere near your dad's home. Your husband needs professional help and he is a grown adult. Without a long time of sobriety under his belt and I'm talking about years, I would not bring him near your families. If you must move back home to your father's place, do it alone. Your dad deserves peace and quiet at his age. Not theft and the fear of losing valuables when living under his own house.

becky1982

I would be delighted to tell u my story! I'll keep it short but if you read my threads you'll get all the details and the amazing advice I received along the way. I married my husband in november 2010, and during that first year things were rough, he was angry and emotionally distant, he never brought home money and always had excuses. I got pregnant shortly after the wedding. I read marriage books and tried to talk to him about my loneliness but things never improved. By September I started to suspect drugs, I confronted him but he laughed and said no way silly mama, I would never do that! He stole $200 from my purse, money my grandma gave me to buy baby things. I was so confused! Then one night in October he didn't come home, he went to the casino, emptied my bank account, never called, I thought he was dead, then he calls from jail, he got arrested with crack and pills. His mom bailed him out, I was 9months preg and super angry. Then he revealed his addiction to percocet and fentanyl patches for the past year. He promised to clean up, and I thought it was behind us, but then he relapsed at some point that winter and I knew, but he denied. He blamed me, he raged at me, he put me through he77, then finally admitted it in march and started subs. Now he just got kicked out of the program for taking less than prescribed, and he is lying about money again. So I'm planning to ask him to leave this weekend when my older daughter goes on a week long trip with my mom. I cannot tolerate lies, I cannot tolerate the same pattern that has developed in my marriage, so I am going to do something drastic. I've come to the point where living with him on a daily basis is scarier and more painful than the thought of living apart. It will be tough but I am taking a leap of faith, because it feels like the next right step and it feels healthy so I am just gonna go for it. I had previously set a boundary of active recovery or no marriage, but went back on it out of fear, guilt and manipulation. But that's just his addict trying to have his way with me. Only i can put a stop to it. I have gone to meetings and do like them, and I plan to go to more. I also see a therapist occasionally when I can afford it. But the single most helpful thing I did was read "codependent no more". It changed everything for me, and I am reading it again now. I totally understand your dilemma with selling the house, you deserve to have that money. Disentangling your life and feelings from the addict is overwhelming to say the least. I'm confident you'll do the right thing for you. It's ok to make choices that are in your best interest, and if he weren't so clouded by his addiction, he might just tell you to run for your life. You sound like you have a lot going for you, and no kids yet. So maybe its ok to start picturing life without him and living your way towards the life you want, the life you deserve. He broke the marriage covenant when he chose drugs over marriage. HIS choices brought him here. Where do you want to go next?

outtolunch

[QUOTE=oooopps;3526032]
I would suggest that you do not bring your Husband anywhere near your dad's home. Your husband needs professional help and he is a grown adult. Without a long time of sobriety under his belt and I'm talking about years, I would not bring him near your families. If you must move back home to your father's place, do it alone. Your dad deserves peace and quiet at his age. Not theft and the fear of losing valuables when living under his own house.[/QUOTE]

May I add that we all deserve peace and quiet without constant fear of being robbed, no matter what our age.

emptyshell

Sorry for such long posts. I am new and haven't gotten the hang of it all yet.Thank you all for the sound advice, you have been posting what my consious is really telling me! Becky ur story sounds soooo much like mine as I am sure manyt stories sound that way. I am glad you are doing what you feel is right for you, please keep me posted on how you are doing after you ask him to leave. Yes my Dad does have some good boundries, always had. His 2nd wife had a coke, pot &alcohol prob, they fought all the time and I didnt understand. Then they tried counseling, and she flat out said "Do I smoke pot and use coke and alcohol, yes I do, am I going to stop, NO I am not". And that was it for my Dad. He got right up out of his chair and left her at the counslers office. I had no idea what had been going on in their/his house until she got her stuff a week later, thats when he poured it all out to me. He saw the light, when will I? I asked him before, how did you know you wanted a divorce? He said "when I knew I could do all of it on my own, pay bills, keep up w/ the house, bc she did nothing, and I could do it all with out drugs running my life anymore". Pretty smart, huh.

emptyshell

Guess thats just common sense and loving yourself enough though. I went to my mother inlaws house today and I told her exactly what I think is going on. We made a promise to each other that we won't give him $, or things that he could buy himself if he weren't doing drugs. As I said before he has sold some of his stuff for $that has dissappeared this week, so I took the rest of my valuables to his mom's house for safe keeping. Bc just as before I know it will only be a matter of time til he steals my stuff too. Most of my valuables are still at my Dads from his previous binge. I have not had the heart to bring them back into our home. So I feel better about doing that for myself. I have yet to tell my fam what I think is up, dont know when I will. I saw my husband today driving around at work, he stopped and go figure he looked messed up and he wasn't happy that I was going to his mom's but oh well. I'm sure I'll get the 3rd degree when he gets home.
Ottolunch- just a quick reply, we have no mortgage he paid for this place cash, it was cheap, $2000 bc it was in BAD shape and I sunk alot of $ into fixing it up to liveable condition, it took 6mnths to fix up and all of MY $! But it was bought before we married and I m not on the deed. But I spent more $ than him on this place and DO feel entitled to getting it back. If I leave there is no chance of that. See my predicament (sp?)?
Kindeyes- yes that does seem like a very hard concept to wrap my head around, hopefully face2face meetings will help me with that. Bc that almost seems impossible. My profession is a nurse and I care for people no matter what the circumstance so it seems hard for me to seperate that, I control others health for a living (not currently, bc Im looking for a job), but thats what I was trained to do in my years of school. They say nurses pick their profession for 2 reasons: 1. Bc they have a strong personality or 2. Bc they have the need to control. Guess I need to take a long hard look at myself after saying that, bc I think I'm the latter....

becky1982

Absolutely I will. And pm me anytime. Have you thought about your bottom line in the marriage? Writing it down really helps. Keep posting!

becky1982

I'm a nurse too! Lol! You may be entitled to half the house, doesnt hurt to talk to a lawyer.

Vale

>>>>>>>But how can you do that to someone you vowed to love, honor and cherish, someone you vowed to give up all your wordly goods for (yes that was our vow), sickness and health? I guess it boils done to that control thing again, ugh, thats one of the hardest parts...<<<<<<

IT IS the hardest part....

Many took oaths to the SS in WWII.When they found themselves ordered to
murder innocent men,women,and children by the thousands----some complied,
some did not.At the end of the war at Nuremburg the world was put on
notice.We are not accepting any excuses.Not vows,not oaths,not "orders".
If you choose to participate in the rape of human dignity.....then we will find you
and you will hang.

Each human has a separate and sovereign right and obligation to defend the
dignity of humanity.That includes your own.No excuses.When the boundaries
that comprise the fabric of our shared humanity are crossed---an obligation to
act is born.

What that action is depends on the severity of the aggression.Perhaps only
a warning.Perhaps more.If you want to learn about boundaries,try and approach
any first world nation's boundaries (airborne) at a high rate of speed without
their prior knowledge.You will soon have a pair of "friends" .One
you can see,and one below and behind you that you can't.The one in front is
there to say "hi! What are your intentions?".The one behind you is there for
darker reasons should the 'interview' not go well.

I made a promise to "be there" for a person suffering the horrific trauma
of opiate addiction.When that promise began to conflict with the vital interests of
those I truly loved,cared for(and who reciprocated in kind)---then
triage became the operative word. Three categories----
-minor(not life threatening)..major( front of
the line----one we can possibly save).......and then terminal (put an "X" on their
forehead,get them a blanket,and make their passage from this world to the next
as comfortable as possible).

Did I "cut out" on my friend at the first signal of difficulty?No. I was there
for her for a very long time at a huge cost in risk and resources.

When is it time to go? When we decide that our staying is an affront to
human dignity.......theirs as well as ours.

Ilovemysonjj

Vale, thank you for both of your very insightful posts on this thread.
The one regarding the reptilian brain really spoke to me today.
TT

emptyshell

Becky1982- I dont know what the bottom line is anymore. Sad that I cant even draw a line after all hes put me through before. I feel the emotional dementia setting in again, or atleast thats what i call it when your head is so full of crap that you can't really remember anything or think clearly enough ( head filled with crap like: where was he, is he messed up, who just called, wheres the money, searching everything humanly possible and trying to remember exactly where all objects are placed in the home so I can tell if anything is gone, moving my valuable, trying to remember his lies, oy I can go on and on here) not to mention he's mad at me now so thats weighing on me too bc he was yelling at me and I was just trying to be nice to him prior. I did write down my boundries yesterday, but the bottom line... I have no clue right now!